The table below gives information about rail transport in four countries in 2007

The table indicates three figures of rail transport in UK, USA, Japan, and Italy in the year of 2007.
Overall, it can be seen in three figures, Japan had the higher number, follow by UK and Italy, the amount of two countries is quite the same. USA is the country that the numbers is lower in four countries.
Regarding number of individuals who use rail transport in four countries, 27 million Japanese transfer by train. Compared to another country, this amount is so much higher than other countries. 5.9 million and 5.5 million citizens in UK and Italy used train to travel every day, respectively. Meanwhile, in USA, there was only 0.3 million people using rail transport.
In case of passenger kilometers per head of population, Japan continues having the higher number. Average, Japanese traveled almost 2000 km by train in 2007. In UK and Italy, an individual using rail transport through 770 km and 780 km. This figures was only about half compared to Japan. 80 km was a total distance that a USA’s citizen moves by train in 2007.
Relating to the amount of cargo carried, this number had the uniformity in UK, Japan, and Italy. Japan was still a country that had higher figure, which was 23.01 billion tons. However, this number was not too high than UK and Italy, which was 22.2 billion tons and 21.9 billion tons, respectively. Finally, there was almost 3 billion tons of cargo, that carried by train in 2007.

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Errors and Improvements:

"figures of rail transport" -> "statistics of rail transportation"
Explanation: "Statistics" is a more formal and precise term for numerical data, and "rail transportation" is a more sophisticated phrase than "rail transport."
"follow by" -> "followed by"
Explanation: "Followed by" is the correct phrase to indicate the sequence of the countries based on their figures.
"the amount of two countries is quite the same" -> "the figures for the two countries are relatively similar"
Explanation: "Amount" typically refers to a quantity of something uncountable, whereas "figures" is more appropriate when referring to numerical data. Also, "relatively similar" is a more precise way to express the idea of similarity.
"numbers is lower" -> "numbers are lower"
Explanation: "Numbers" is a plural noun and requires a plural verb form, "are."
"Regarding number of individuals who use rail transport" -> "Regarding the number of individuals utilizing rail transport"
Explanation: This revision uses "utilizing" instead of "use" for a more formal tone, and "regarding the number" is a more concise way to introduce the following data.
"transfer by train" -> "travel by train"
Explanation: "Travel by train" is a more common and appropriate phrase to describe the action of individuals using rail transport.
"this amount is so much higher than other countries" -> "this figure is significantly higher than in other countries"
Explanation: "Amount" is not the most suitable term here; "figure" is better for numerical data. Also, "significantly higher" is a more precise way to express a large difference.
"In case of passenger kilometers per head of population" -> "In terms of passenger kilometers per capita"
Explanation: "In terms of" is a more precise phrase to introduce a specific metric. "Capita" is a more formal term for "head of population."
"Average, Japanese traveled almost 2000 km" -> "On average, Japanese traveled almost 2000 km"
Explanation: Adding "on" before "average" makes the sentence grammatically correct.
"This figures was only about half" -> "These figures were only about half"
Explanation: "Figures" should be plural to agree with "were."
"a USA’s citizen" -> "a citizen of the USA"
Explanation: This phrase follows the conventional order of words and is more formal.
"Relating to the amount of cargo carried" -> "Regarding the quantity of cargo transported"
Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal and concise alternative to "relating to." "Transported" is a better term for cargo carried by train.
"this number had the uniformity" -> "these numbers showed uniformity"
Explanation: "Numbers" should be plural to agree with "had." Also, "showed uniformity" is a clearer way to express the idea.
"However, this number was not too high than UK and Italy" -> "However, this number was only slightly higher than in the UK and Italy"
Explanation: "Only slightly higher" is a more precise way to describe a small difference in numbers.
"there was almost 3 billion tons of cargo" -> "almost 3 billion tons of cargo were transported"
Explanation: "Were transported" is a more appropriate verb phrase to describe the action of moving cargo.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the table regarding rail transport in four countries in 2007. It presents some key figures and trends, such as the number of individuals using rail transport and the amount of cargo carried, but lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the information. Some details are inaccurate, and the essay could benefit from more precise language and organization.

How to improve:
To improve the score, ensure that all key features and bullet points from the table are accurately addressed. Provide a clearer and more organized overview of the data, avoiding repetitive or irrelevant information. Use precise language and proper grammar to enhance clarity and coherence in presenting the information. Additionally, focus on accurately reporting the data without exaggeration or ambiguity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information regarding rail transport in four countries in 2007. It attempts to organize the information by discussing figures for each country in terms of passengers and cargo. However, the organization lacks overall progression and coherence. While some cohesive devices are used, they are inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, leading to a lack of clarity and cohesion within and between sentences. Paragraphing is attempted but is inadequate and lacks logical sequencing, affecting the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

Structural Organization: Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed, followed by well-structured body paragraphs discussing each country’s rail transport figures, and end with a conclusion summarizing the findings.
Cohesion and Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns to link ideas and sentences more effectively. Ensure that cohesive devices are used accurately to maintain clarity and coherence.
Paragraphing: Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or aspect of rail transport in each country. Transition between paragraphs smoothly to maintain coherence and logical flow.
Accuracy and Clarity: Check for accuracy in the use of numbers and figures to avoid confusion and ensure clarity. Revise sentences for clarity and coherence, avoiding repetition and unnecessary wordiness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. There is some variety in word choice, although it is somewhat repetitive at times. The essay manages to convey the main points with adequate clarity. Some less common vocabulary is used, such as "individuals" instead of "people" and "passenger kilometers per head of population," but there are instances where simpler language could have been more effective. There are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "transfer by train" instead of "travel by train." Spelling and word formation errors are noticeable but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, strive for more varied and precise vocabulary choices throughout the essay. Avoid repetitive phrases and explore synonyms to enhance expression. Pay closer attention to word choice and collocation to ensure accuracy and fluency. Review spelling and word formation to minimize errors that may distract the reader. Additionally, aim for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of structures to convey information about rail transport. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely impede communication. The essay attempts to present data and comparisons between countries, although some sentences could be more clearly structured for coherence.

How to improve: Focus on sentence structure and clarity. Ensure that complex ideas are presented with accuracy and precision. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to minimize errors and enhance readability. Additionally, work on improving the flow and coherence of the essay to facilitate understanding for the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table delineates the statistics pertaining to rail transport in the UK, USA, Japan, and Italy in the year 2007.

Overall, three key figures are presented. Japan emerged with the highest figures, followed by the UK and Italy, whose numbers were relatively similar. The USA recorded the lowest figures among the four countries.

Concerning the number of individuals utilizing rail transport in these nations, Japan boasted the highest count, with 27 million commuters. This figure significantly surpassed that of the other countries. In the UK and Italy, 5.9 million and 5.5 million citizens, respectively, opted for train travel daily. Conversely, in the USA, only 0.3 million people utilized rail transport.

Examining passenger kilometers per capita, Japan maintained the lead with an average of nearly 2000 km traveled by train in 2007. In comparison, individuals in the UK and Italy covered approximately 770 km and 780 km, respectively, through rail transport, roughly half the distance traveled in Japan. In the USA, the average distance per citizen by train was 80 km.

Turning to cargo volume, the UK, Japan, and Italy reported similar figures. Japan led with 23.01 billion tons, closely followed by the UK and Italy with 22.2 billion tons and 21.9 billion tons, respectively. Notably, nearly 3 billion tons of cargo were transported by train in 2007.