The table below gives information about the problems faced by children in two primary schools in 2005 and 2015

A glance at the proportion of children' educational problems in two primary schools in 2005 and 2015 reflects the great differences.

The table shows that the percentage of reading ability and handwriting in school A remained the same. There was a slight increase in spelling area. The great rise was in listening skills and verbal expression of ideas which went up significantly by approximately 15% in 2015 . It is noticeable that both concentration in lessons and following instructions almost doubled from about 40% to 18%.

For children' problems in school B, growth was nearly double in spelling and following instructions. Handwriting is as the same rate as concentration in lessons. The number of educational problems in spelling and following instructions increased double in 2005 till 2015. However, there was a gentle climb in three problems left, just 1%.

Overall, rate of all areas in school A was higher than school B. It is predicted that problem areas in both school will go up in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"A glance at the proportion of children’ educational problems" -> "An examination of the proportion of children’s educational challenges"
Explanation: Replacing "A glance at" with "An examination of" elevates the formality and specificity of the language, while "children’s" corrects the possessive form to match the plural noun "children." "Educational challenges" is a more precise term than "educational problems."
"great differences" -> "significant differences"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more academically precise term than "great," which can sound vague and informal in academic writing.
"The table shows that" -> "The data illustrates that"
Explanation: "The data illustrates" is a more formal and precise way to introduce visual information in academic writing, compared to the more conversational "The table shows."
"great rise" -> "significant increase"
Explanation: "Significant increase" is a more formal and precise term than "great rise," which is somewhat colloquial.
"went up significantly by approximately 15%" -> "increased significantly by approximately 15%"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more precise verb for describing quantitative changes in academic contexts, and it aligns better with the formal tone of the essay.
"almost doubled" -> "nearly doubled"
Explanation: "Nearly doubled" is a more precise and formal expression than "almost doubled," which is slightly informal.
"children’ problems" -> "children’s problems"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form to "children’s" to match the plural noun "children."
"growth was nearly double" -> "growth nearly doubled"
Explanation: "Growth nearly doubled" is grammatically correct and more formal than "growth was nearly double."
"Handwriting is as the same rate as concentration in lessons." -> "Handwriting rates remained the same as those for concentration in lessons."
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"The number of educational problems in spelling and following instructions increased double in 2005 till 2015." -> "The number of educational problems in spelling and following instructions doubled between 2005 and 2015."
Explanation: "Doubled between 2005 and 2015" is a more precise and formal way of expressing the increase over time.
"a gentle climb" -> "a moderate increase"
Explanation: "A moderate increase" is a more formal and precise term than "a gentle climb," which is colloquial.
"problem areas in both school will go up in the future" -> "problem areas in both schools are likely to increase in the future"
Explanation: "Are likely to increase" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to predict future trends than "will go up," which is somewhat informal and imprecise. Additionally, "schools" should be plural to match the plural subject.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay focuses on details, such as the specific percentage increases, rather than providing a broader analysis of the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of children with educational problems in School A generally increased between 2005 and 2015, while the percentage of children with educational problems in School B generally decreased. The essay could also highlight the most significant changes in the data, such as the large increase in the percentage of children with listening skills and verbal expression of ideas problems in School A.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the educational problems faced by children in the two schools, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, with some phrases appearing mechanical or repetitive. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as some ideas are jumbled together without clear separation. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay with distinct paragraphs for each school, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively will help to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, providing clearer comparisons and contrasts between the two schools will improve the logical flow of information. Lastly, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will strengthen the overall presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the table, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the same rate as concentration in lessons," which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and grammatical structures, such as "children’ educational problems" instead of "children’s educational problems," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not meet the requirements for higher bands due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to educational problems. They should also practice using less common lexical items correctly and ensure that their word choices accurately convey the intended meanings. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and avoiding repetitive phrases will improve clarity and sophistication in their writing. Reading a wider range of texts and practicing paraphrasing can also help in developing a more flexible use of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "children’ educational problems" and "as the same rate as concentration in lessons" exhibit grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the misplaced space before the period in "2015 .", detract from the overall quality. Overall, the errors can cause some difficulty for the reader, aligning the essay with the characteristics of Band 5.

How to improve:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that comparisons and descriptions are clear and logically structured, which will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Practice Complex Structures: Focus on practicing the use of subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings to improve grammatical range.

Bài sửa mẫu

A glance at the proportion of children’s educational problems in two primary schools in 2005 and 2015 reflects significant differences.

The table shows that the percentage of reading ability and handwriting in School A remained the same. There was a slight increase in the spelling area. The most notable rise was in listening skills and verbal expression of ideas, which increased significantly by approximately 15% in 2015. It is noticeable that both concentration in lessons and following instructions almost doubled from about 40% to 80%.

For children’s problems in School B, growth was nearly double in spelling and following instructions. Handwriting remained at the same rate as concentration in lessons. The number of educational problems in spelling and following instructions increased twofold from 2005 to 2015. However, there was a gentle climb in the remaining three problems, just 1%.

Overall, the rate of all areas in School A was higher than in School B. It is predicted that problem areas in both schools will increase in the future.