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The table below shows the percentage of men and women working in different employment sectors in 1990, 000 and 2010

The table below shows the percentage of men and women working in different employment sectors in 1990, 000 and 2010

Provided is the chart delineating a comprehensive comparison of men's and women's employment in four fields: retail, health, manufacturing, and tourism at ten-year intervals, starting in 1990.
Overall, the proportion of the manufacturing sector, the most preferred sector for males, experienced a significant decline in the timeframe, while that of tourism, which was the prior choice of females, exhibited a slight rise at the same time. Noticeably, retail remained unchanged in the number of male workers from 1990 to 2010
As presented in the employment sectors of men, the predominance of manufacturing compared to others stood at 30% in 1990, before undergoing a marginal decrease, falling to 15% and 10% in 2000 and 2010 respectively. In contrast, the figures for the health and tourism sectors shared a comparable number at the beginning of the time scale with 7%, then registered a minor increase of 2% and 3% turn by turn in 2010. Interestingly, over the course of 30 years, starting from 1990, the percentage of retail or shops stayed intact at 13%.
Delving further into the analysis of females' work fields, it is irrefutable that the tourism, which accounted for the highest percentage in 1990 with 23%, showed a trivial growth of 2% after 20 years, whereas the second place in 1990, with 20%, was retail, which represented a small downturn to 18% in 2010. Moreover,a marked drop was seen in manufacturing, shifting from 17% to 5% and then to 3% from 1990 to 2010. Additionally, the health sector, which had the lowest figure at 9% in 1990, underwent a marginal climb to 11% by the end of the time scale.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Provided is the chart" -> "The chart is provided"
    Explanation: The phrase "Provided is the chart" is awkward and unnatural. "The chart is provided" is more direct and aligns better with formal academic writing standards.

  2. "the most preferred sector for males" -> "the most favored sector by men"
    Explanation: "Preferred" is somewhat informal and vague; "favored" is more precise and formal, and "by men" is more appropriate than "for males" in this context.

  3. "experienced a significant decline" -> "underwent a significant decline"
    Explanation: "Experienced" can be vague; "underwent" is more specific and suitable for describing changes in data or trends.

  4. "slight rise" -> "modest increase"
    Explanation: "Slight" can be too vague; "modest" provides a clearer and more formal description of a moderate change.

  5. "prior choice of females" -> "initial preference of women"
    Explanation: "Prior choice" is less formal and slightly awkward; "initial preference" is more precise and formal.

  6. "Noticeably" -> "Notably"
    Explanation: "Noticeably" is slightly informal and less commonly used in academic writing; "notably" is preferred in formal texts.

  7. "the figures for the health and tourism sectors shared a comparable number" -> "the figures for the health and tourism sectors were comparable"
    Explanation: "Shared a comparable number" is awkward and unclear; "were comparable" is straightforward and maintains the formal tone.

  8. "registered a minor increase of 2% and 3% turn by turn" -> "registered sequential increases of 2% and 3%"
    Explanation: "Turn by turn" is informal and unclear; "sequential" is more precise and academically appropriate.

  9. "the percentage of retail or shops stayed intact" -> "the percentage of retail remained unchanged"
    Explanation: "Stayed intact" is colloquial; "remained unchanged" is the standard phrase in formal writing.

  10. "it is irrefutable that" -> "it is evident that"
    Explanation: "Irrefutable" can imply a level of certainty that may not be supported by the data; "evident" is more neutral and appropriate for academic discourse.

  11. "trivial growth of 2%" -> "small increase of 2%"
    Explanation: "Trivial" can imply insignificance, which may not be the intended meaning; "small" is neutral and accurate.

  12. "marked drop" -> "significant decline"
    Explanation: "Marked drop" is informal; "significant decline" is more precise and formal.

  13. "shifting from 17% to 5% and then to 3%" -> "decreasing from 17% to 5% and further to 3%"
    Explanation: "Shifting" can be vague; "decreasing" is more specific and appropriate for describing numerical changes.

  14. "a marginal climb to 11%" -> "a slight increase to 11%"
    Explanation: "Climb" is informal and less precise; "increase" is the standard term in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the proportion of the manufacturing sector, the most preferred sector for males, experienced a significant decline in the timeframe". This is not accurate, as the data shows that the percentage of men working in manufacturing declined from 30% in 1990 to 10% in 2010.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of men working in manufacturing declined from 30% in 1990 to 10% in 2010, while the percentage of women working in manufacturing declined from 17% in 1990 to 3% in 2010. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in each sector, such as the percentage change in each sector over the time period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. It provides a general overview and details about the employment sectors for both men and women. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and some mechanical use of cohesive devices, which detracts from the overall flow. The referencing could be clearer, and the paragraphing, while present, does not always follow a logical structure, particularly in the transition between discussing male and female employment sectors.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Additionally, refining the use of referencing to avoid repetition and enhance clarity would strengthen the essay. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between ideas are smooth will help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the table. The writer uses some less common lexical items, such as "delineating," "predominance," and "irrefutable," which shows an awareness of style. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the prior choice of females," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and punctuation that do not significantly impede communication but indicate a need for improvement in lexical accuracy.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further, ensuring that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. They should also work on reducing errors in spelling and punctuation, as well as refining collocations to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of their lexical resource. Engaging with a wider variety of texts and practicing paraphrasing can also help in developing a more nuanced vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "turn by turn" which is awkwardly phrased and could confuse the reader. Additionally, phrases like "the tourism, which accounted for the highest percentage" contain unnecessary commas and could be streamlined for clarity. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the overall trends presented in the data.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and reducing errors in punctuation. This can be done by practicing more complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct. Additionally, reviewing the use of commas and other punctuation marks will help improve clarity. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and varying sentence lengths could also contribute to a more sophisticated writing style, which is essential for higher band scores.

Bài sửa mẫu

Provided is the chart delineating a comprehensive comparison of men’s and women’s employment in four fields: retail, health, manufacturing, and tourism at ten-year intervals, starting in 1990. Overall, the proportion of the manufacturing sector, the most preferred sector for males, experienced a significant decline over the timeframe, while that of tourism, which was the prior choice of females, exhibited a slight rise during the same period. Noticeably, retail remained unchanged in the number of male workers from 1990 to 2010.

As presented in the employment sectors for men, the predominance of manufacturing compared to others stood at 30% in 1990, before undergoing a marginal decrease, falling to 15% and 10% in 2000 and 2010, respectively. In contrast, the figures for the health and tourism sectors shared a comparable number at the beginning of the time scale with 7%, then registered a minor increase of 2% and 3% respectively by 2010. Interestingly, over the course of 30 years, starting from 1990, the percentage of retail or shops remained intact at 13%.

Delving further into the analysis of females’ work fields, it is irrefutable that tourism, which accounted for the highest percentage in 1990 with 23%, showed a trivial growth of 2% after 20 years, whereas the second place in 1990, retail with 20%, represented a small downturn to 18% in 2010. Moreover, a marked drop was seen in manufacturing, shifting from 17% to 5% and then to 3% from 1990 to 2010. Additionally, the health sector, which had the lowest figure at 9% in 1990, underwent a marginal climb to 11% by the end of the time scale.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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