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The table below shows the percentage of population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the percentage of population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The statistics illustrate how many bicycle riders broken down by age group and gender in one town in 2011.
What stands out from the chart is that except for the 18-39 bracket, the proportion of females was higher than that of males in the remaining age groups. Among all age groups, children under nine used bicycles the most for both genders.
Regarding age groups from 0 to 19, the percentage of girls under nine in one town stood at 52%, 1% higher than the figure for boys. Similarly, in the 10-17 years old, 42% of females rode bicycles which was about twofold the data of males, with the figure being 24%. By contrast, women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men, with 70% of men participating compared to 20% of women.
Concerning the remaining age groups, the number of both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bikes. Regarding females aged over 60 riding bicycles higher than females aged 40-59 with 7%, whereas 40-59-year-old men accounted for 8% of total men participants, just nearly half the figure for above 60-year-olds, as the figure stood at 14%.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "The statistics illustrate how many bicycle riders broken down by age group and gender in one town in 2011." -> "The statistics present the distribution of bicycle riders by age group and gender in one town in 2011."
    Explanation: Replacing "illustrate how many" with "present the distribution of" clarifies the purpose of the statistics and uses more formal language appropriate for an academic context.

  2. "What stands out from the chart is that except for the 18-39 bracket, the proportion of females was higher than that of males in the remaining age groups." -> "Notably, the proportion of females exceeds that of males in all age groups except 18-39."
    Explanation: "Notably" is a more formal transition than "What stands out from," and rephrasing the sentence streamlines it for clarity and precision.

  3. "children under nine used bicycles the most for both genders." -> "children under nine years old used bicycles most frequently for both genders."
    Explanation: Adding "years old" clarifies the age range, and "most frequently" is a more precise adverbial phrase than "the most," enhancing the academic tone.

  4. "Regarding age groups from 0 to 19, the percentage of girls under nine in one town stood at 52%, 1% higher than the figure for boys." -> "In the age range of 0 to 19, the proportion of girls under nine in this town was 52%, a 1% increase over the figure for boys."
    Explanation: "In the age range of 0 to 19" is more specific and formal than "Regarding age groups from 0 to 19." Also, "a 1% increase over" is more precise and formal than "1% higher than."

  5. "Similarly, in the 10-17 years old, 42% of females rode bicycles which was about twofold the data of males, with the figure being 24%." -> "Similarly, in the 10-17 age group, 42% of females rode bicycles, roughly twice the proportion of males, which was 24%."
    Explanation: "Roughly twice" is a more precise and formal way to express "about twofold," and "the proportion of males" is more specific than "the data of males."

  6. "By contrast, women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men, with 70% of men participating compared to 20% of women." -> "In contrast, women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men, with 70% of men participating compared to 20% of women."
    Explanation: "In contrast" is a more formal transition than "By contrast," and the sentence structure is simplified for clarity and formality.

  7. "Concerning the remaining age groups, the number of both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bikes." -> "Regarding the remaining age groups, both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bicycles."
    Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal transition than "Concerning," and "preferred riding bicycles" is more formal than "preferred riding bikes."

  8. "Regarding females aged over 60 riding bicycles higher than females aged 40-59 with 7%, whereas 40-59-year-old men accounted for 8% of total men participants, just nearly half the figure for above 60-year-olds, as the figure stood at 14%." -> "In comparison, females aged over 60 rode bicycles more frequently than those aged 40-59, with 7%, whereas 40-59-year-old men accounted for 8% of total male participants, roughly half the frequency of those above 60, which was 14%."
    Explanation: "In comparison" is a more formal transition than "Regarding," and "rode bicycles more frequently" is more precise than "riding bicycles higher than." Also, "roughly half the frequency" is more specific than "just nearly half the figure."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main features of the data. It presents information appropriately selected, highlighting key features and bullet points. However, some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men" but does not provide any supporting data. Additionally, the essay states that "the number of both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bikes" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men, with only 20% of women participating compared to 70% of men." Additionally, the essay could provide specific data to support the claim that "the number of both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bikes." For example, the essay could state that "19% of women over 60 rode bicycles, compared to 14% of men over 60."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently and demonstrates a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, the transition between the discussion of different age groups could be smoother, and some sentences feel somewhat disjointed. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical, as the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas and more structured paragraphs.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesion: Work on making the transitions between sentences and paragraphs smoother. Use a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas more naturally.
  2. Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic. For instance, separate the discussion of different age groups into distinct paragraphs to improve readability and logical flow.
  3. Clarify Referencing: Use clear and appropriate referencing to avoid ambiguity. This will help in maintaining a logical relationship between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
  4. Avoid Mechanical Cohesion: Instead of relying on repetitive structures, vary sentence structures and use a mix of cohesive devices to make the text flow more naturally.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the statistics illustrate how many bicycle riders broken down by age group and gender," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the figure being 24%" which lacks clarity. While the communication is not impeded, the errors do detract from the overall effectiveness of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise language. They should also pay attention to collocations and ensure that word forms are used correctly. Reducing grammatical errors and improving clarity in sentence structure will enhance the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and varying vocabulary choices can also contribute to a more sophisticated lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is compromised by several errors in grammar and punctuation. For instance, phrases like "the number of both genders aged over 60 preferred riding bikes" could be clearer, and the sentence structure occasionally leads to confusion. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical mistakes that do not significantly hinder communication but do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and improving sentence structure. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences while ensuring they are grammatically correct would also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing the use of punctuation correctly and ensuring clarity in comparisons will help in achieving a more polished and coherent essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The statistics illustrate the number of bicycle riders broken down by age group and gender in one town in 2011. What stands out from the chart is that, except for the 18-39 age bracket, the proportion of females was higher than that of males in the remaining age groups. Among all age groups, children under nine used bicycles the most for both genders.

Regarding the age groups from 0 to 19, the percentage of girls under nine in the town stood at 52%, which was 1% higher than the figure for boys. Similarly, in the 10-17 age group, 42% of females rode bicycles, which was about double the percentage of males, with the figure being 24%. By contrast, women aged 18-39 were less likely to ride bicycles than men, with 70% of men participating compared to 20% of women.

Concerning the remaining age groups, both genders aged over 60 showed a preference for riding bikes. The percentage of females aged over 60 who rode bicycles was higher than that of females aged 40-59 by 7%. In contrast, 40-59-year-old men accounted for 8% of total male participants, which was nearly half the figure for those aged over 60, as this figure stood at 14%.

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