The table below shows the population ratio of females per 100 males in six different areas in 1995 and 2005.

The table illustrates the proportion of population of women per 100 men in six areas in 1995 and 2005. As can be seen, the figures for Asia were always the highest in both years while the figures for Europe were the lowest.
In 1995, the population percentage of women per 100 men in Europe was the lowest, at 89,4 percent. The second was the figure for Africa at 97,8 percent. Then, Central America and North America were the third and fourth categories at 100 and 100,1 percent, respectively. After that, this figure of Oceania stood at 103,9 percent which is 1.4 percent lower than the figure for the highest category – Asia.
According to the year 2005, the figure for Europe rose slightly to 92,8 percent but was still the lowest. Similarly, this figure in Africa also increased to 99,2 percent. In contrast, the figure for North America, Central America and Oceania falled significantly to about 96, 97 and 99 percent, respectively. In addition, the figure for Asia also decreased to 104,9 percent but was still the highest.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"proportion of population" -> "gender ratio"
Explanation: "Gender ratio" is a more precise term for comparing the number of females to every 100 males in a population, rather than "proportion of population."
"the figures for Asia were always the highest" -> "Asia consistently recorded the highest figures"
Explanation: "Consistently recorded the highest figures" conveys the idea of perpetual superiority more clearly and with a touch of sophistication.
"the figures for Europe were the lowest" -> "Europe consistently registered the lowest figures"
Explanation: Similar to the previous point, this change maintains consistency in language and emphasizes the enduring nature of the data.
"at 89,4 percent" -> "at 89.4 percent"
Explanation: In English, decimal numbers are typically written with a period instead of a comma.
"then, Central America and North America" -> "subsequently, Central America and North America"
Explanation: "Subsequently" enhances the flow of the sentence and adds a more formal tone.
"After that, this figure of Oceania stood at" -> "Following that, the figure for Oceania stood at"
Explanation: "Following that" is a smoother transition than "After that," and using "the figure for Oceania" instead of "this figure of Oceania" adds clarity.
"which is 1.4 percent lower than the figure" -> "which is 1.4 percentage points lower than the figure"
Explanation: "Percentage points" is more precise when discussing differences in percentages.
"According to the year 2005" -> "In 2005,"
Explanation: "In 2005," is a more concise and appropriate way to introduce the data from that specific year.
"rose slightly to" -> "increased marginally to"
Explanation: "Increased marginally to" provides a more nuanced description of the rise in the figure.
"falled significantly to" -> "fell significantly to"
Explanation: "Fell significantly to" is the correct past tense form of "fall" and maintains consistency in verb tense.
"about 96, 97 and 99 percent" -> "approximately 96, 97, and 99 percent"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal and precise when approximating values.
"but was still the highest" -> "yet remained the highest"
Explanation: "Yet remained the highest" adds variety to the language and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation:
The essay effectively covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the population ratios of females per 100 males in six different areas in 1995 and 2005. It presents the key features by highlighting the highest and lowest ratios in each year and providing specific figures for each region. The overview is clear and allows the reader to understand the general trends in the data.
How to improve:
To improve, the essay could extend the discussion of key features further, providing more detailed comparisons between the ratios in different regions and years. Additionally, ensuring precise language and accurate data representation would enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a somewhat organized manner, with clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a specific region and compares the female-to-male population ratio between 1995 and 2005. The essay utilizes cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as repetitive use of phrases like "the figure for" and "per 100 men." Additionally, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence. Paragraphing is logical, with each paragraph addressing a distinct aspect of the data.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, vary sentence structures and use a wider range of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Work on smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, consider providing more explicit connections between sentences and paragraphs to ensure a clearer progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the necessary terms and concepts related to population ratios. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary such as "proportion" and "categories." However, some inaccuracies are present in word choice and collocation, such as "rose slightly to 92,8 percent" where the comma should be placed after the decimal point, and "falled significantly" should be "fell significantly." While errors in word formation and spelling do exist, they do not impede overall communication.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource, focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. Ensure accuracy in word choice, spelling, and word formation to convey ideas more effectively. Additionally, pay attention to grammatical accuracy to enhance overall clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, presenting a clear overview of the data. The essay maintains coherence and cohesion throughout, with a logical progression of ideas. However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, such as missing articles ("the") before certain nouns and inconsistent use of verb tenses ("falled" instead of "fell"). These errors do not significantly impede communication but are noticeable.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, pay attention to article usage (the, a, an) before nouns. Ensure consistency in verb tense usage throughout the essay. Review punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and capitalization. Additionally, strive for greater precision in vocabulary and expression to enhance clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table presents data regarding the ratio of females to 100 males across six different regions in 1995 and 2005. Overall, Asia consistently exhibited the highest proportion of females per 100 males, while Europe consistently had the lowest.

In 1995, Europe recorded the lowest female-to-male ratio at 89.4%, with Africa following closely at 97.8%. Central America and North America ranked third and fourth, both with ratios of 100% and 100.1%, respectively. Oceania’s ratio stood at 103.9%, slightly lower than Asia’s leading ratio.

Moving to 2005, Europe’s ratio increased marginally to 92.8%, still maintaining its position as the region with the lowest proportion of females per 100 males. Conversely, Africa’s ratio saw an increase to 99.2%. However, North America, Central America, and Oceania experienced declines to approximately 96%, 97%, and 99%, respectively. Despite a decrease, Asia retained its lead with a ratio of 104.9%.

Overall, while there were fluctuations in ratios between 1995 and 2005, Asia consistently had the highest proportion of females per 100 males, while Europe consistently had the lowest.