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The top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree

The top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree

Nowadays,some businesses consider generating profit as the most vital thing. While I accept that this perception is somewhat justifiable, I believe that social responsibilities also take an imperative role.

On the one hand, making money is likely to be one of the top priorities of each enterprise. Firstly, economic advantages may fuel the development of the country. With a growing economy, the country may have possibilities of improving resident’s living conditions like accommodation, infrastructure,and health insurance. Additionally, if businesses make an effort to generate more and more profit, it also paves the way for more job opportunities. That is to say, the unemployment rates would also decrease significantly, resulting in a superior standard of living.

On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that each specific company should also consider social responsibilities as a vital issue. One reason is that some major businesses' activities may exert a detrimental impact on the environment. For instance, many enterprises dump directly contaminated waste into rivers, which could trigger several serious enviromental problems. This also takes a heavy toll on human health. Another reason is that businesses should also share equal accountability with governments for society's betterment. This is because of the fact that there is a wide group of people who are financially disadvantaged and enterprises may launch a volunteering project beside government’s support. By doing some straightforward actions like that, businesses may enhance their reputation in social perspectives.

In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that it is important for business to make a lot of effort to make a profit, I would contend that social responsibilities are also immensely vital factors


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays,some businesses consider generating profit as the most vital thing." -> "Nowadays, some businesses regard profit generation as paramount."
    Explanation: Replacing "consider" with "regard" and restructuring the sentence improves formality. "Generating profit" is replaced with "profit generation" for conciseness and academic appropriateness.

  2. "While I accept that this perception is somewhat justifiable," -> "While I acknowledge that this perspective is somewhat defensible,"
    Explanation: Replacing "accept" with "acknowledge" and using "perspective" instead of "perception" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  3. "On the one hand, making money is likely to be one of the top priorities of each enterprise." -> "On one hand, prioritizing financial gains tends to be a primary objective for every enterprise."
    Explanation: Simplifying "making money" to "financial gains" and rephrasing the sentence contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  4. "With a growing economy, the country may have possibilities of improving resident’s living conditions like accommodation, infrastructure,and health insurance." -> "A burgeoning economy creates opportunities to enhance residents’ living conditions, including accommodation, infrastructure, and health insurance."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and using "burgeoning economy" and "enhance" contribute to a more formal and polished presentation.

  5. "Additionally, if businesses make an effort to generate more and more profit, it also paves the way for more job opportunities." -> "Moreover, if businesses strive to increase profitability, it concurrently fosters additional job opportunities."
    Explanation: Substituting "make an effort" with "strive" and rephrasing the sentence with "concurrently fosters" elevates the formality and precision of the expression.

  6. "On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that each specific company should also consider social responsibilities as a vital issue." -> "Conversely, there are compelling reasons why I firmly believe that each company should prioritize social responsibilities."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence structure and using "conversely" instead of "on the other hand" enhance the formality and flow of the sentence.

  7. "For instance, many enterprises dump directly contaminated waste into rivers, which could trigger several serious enviromental problems." -> "For instance, numerous enterprises dispose of contaminated waste directly into rivers, potentially causing severe environmental problems."
    Explanation: Using "numerous" instead of "many," and rephrasing the sentence for clarity and precision, contributes to a more academically appropriate expression.

  8. "This also takes a heavy toll on human health." -> "Moreover, this has a profound impact on human health."
    Explanation: Replacing "takes a heavy toll" with "has a profound impact" elevates the formality and precision of the statement.

  9. "Another reason is that businesses should also share equal accountability with governments for society’s betterment." -> "Furthermore, businesses should shoulder equal responsibility alongside governments for societal improvement."
    Explanation: Replacing "accountability" with "responsibility" and using "societal improvement" instead of "society’s betterment" contribute to a more formal and refined expression.

  10. "By doing some straightforward actions like that, businesses may enhance their reputation in social perspectives." -> "Through undertaking such straightforward initiatives, businesses can enhance their reputation in social contexts."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "contexts" instead of "perspectives" contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  11. "while it is irrefutable that it is important for business to make a lot of effort to make a profit," -> "While it is undeniable that it is crucial for businesses to exert significant effort in profit generation,"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression and using "exert significant effort in profit generation" instead of "make a lot of effort to make a profit" contributes to a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of profit for businesses while acknowledging the significance of social responsibilities. The essay examines how making money contributes to economic development and job creation, and it also highlights the negative environmental and social impacts of some business activities.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing more depth in the exploration of social responsibilities. Offer specific examples of how businesses can fulfill social obligations beyond volunteering, and elaborate on the potential benefits for both businesses and society.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance by expressing agreement with the importance of making money for businesses while emphasizing the need for them to consider social responsibilities. The position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion. This can help reinforce the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas by providing reasons for the importance of profit and social responsibilities. However, some ideas, such as the impact of businesses on the environment, could benefit from more elaboration and specific examples.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, provide more detailed examples of businesses engaging in socially responsible practices and the positive outcomes. This will add depth to the argument and strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing both sides of the argument within the context of business priorities and social responsibilities. However, there is room for improvement in maintaining a tighter focus on specific examples and avoiding generalizations.
    • How to improve: Be more specific when discussing the impact of businesses on the environment and society. Use concrete examples to illustrate points and avoid overly broad statements. This will enhance the essay’s relevance and coherence.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a balanced view on the priorities of businesses. To improve, focus on providing more depth in the exploration of social responsibilities, explicitly stating the main argument, offering detailed examples, and avoiding overly general statements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a basic structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints, and a brief conclusion. However, the organization lacks depth in developing ideas within paragraphs, resulting in occasional disjointedness. For instance, the first body paragraph focuses on the economic benefits of businesses prioritizing profit without a smooth transition to discussing the negative environmental impacts in the second body paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a clearer progression of ideas within paragraphs. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and employ transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly transition between ideas. Consider a more balanced approach in discussing viewpoints throughout the essay to maintain coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs identifiable paragraphs; however, they lack consistent structure and depth. The first body paragraph tends to be lengthy, covering multiple ideas without clear separation, affecting readability. Additionally, the conclusion is concise and doesn’t offer a comprehensive summary or a final thought.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence at the beginning, followed by supporting details and examples to strengthen arguments. Aim for balanced paragraph lengths to maintain coherence and readability. In the conclusion, summarize the main points discussed in the essay and present a final perspective to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices (e.g., ‘On the one hand’, ‘On the other hand’, ‘In conclusion’). However, their application is limited, leading to a lack of cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs. There’s a need for more diverse cohesive devices, such as pronouns (‘this’, ‘these’), conjunctions (‘furthermore’, ‘however’), and transitional phrases (‘as a result’, ‘consequently’).
    • How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more effectively. Ensure consistent use of pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, utilize transitional phrases to signal shifts between contrasting viewpoints, and employ conjunctions to establish logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Practice using these devices to create a smoother and more coherent essay structure.

By implementing these suggestions and paying attention to paragraph organization, cohesive devices, and logical coherence, the essay can significantly improve in coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with varied word choices such as "justifiable," "imperative," "advantages," "compelling reasons," and "financially disadvantaged." However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repeated, such as "profit" and "businesses," which can be addressed to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To enrich vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring different expressions for common terms. For instance, instead of frequently using "businesses," consider alternatives like "enterprises" or "corporations." This will elevate the lexical diversity and sophistication of your writing.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with clarity, but there are instances where words could be chosen more precisely. For example, in the phrase "detrimental impact on the environment," consider using more specific terms like "adverse" or "harmful" to provide a sharper focus.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to precision in word choice. Utilize words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In this case, choosing more nuanced terms to describe the impact on the environment will enhance the precision of your language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "enviromental" instead of "environmental." These errors, while infrequent, can be distracting and should be addressed.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying specific attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to minimize the risk of oversight.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but refinement in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy can contribute to an even more sophisticated and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to use a variety of sentence forms, there is a noticeable reliance on simple and compound sentences. Complex sentences, especially those with subordinate clauses, are used sparingly. For instance, in the second paragraph, the sentence "With a growing economy, the country may have possibilities of improving resident’s living conditions like accommodation, infrastructure, and health insurance" displays a more complex structure, but overall, the essay could benefit from a greater diversity of sentence structures to enhance coherence and engagement.
    • How to improve: To improve the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions. Introduce sentences with introductory clauses or phrases, use inversion for emphasis, and experiment with varied sentence lengths to add dynamism to your writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward constructions. For example, the phrase "a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced" could be more succinctly expressed as "compelling reasons why I am convinced." Additionally, there are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "residents’ living conditions" where the possessive form seems unnecessary. Addressing these minor errors will contribute to a more polished and precise essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentences for subject-verb agreement and eliminate unnecessary words or phrases. Consider seeking feedback on specific grammatical points and practice editing sentences for clarity and conciseness.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where it can be refined for improved clarity. For example, the sentence "Additionally, if businesses make an effort to generate more and more profit, it also paves the way for more job opportunities" might benefit from a semicolon or a conjunction to better connect the ideas. Additionally, there are a few places where a comma is missing before coordinating conjunctions, impacting the flow of the sentence.
    • How to improve: Focus on using punctuation to enhance the flow and coherence of your sentences. Review the rules for comma usage, especially in compound sentences. Experiment with different punctuation marks, such as semicolons or colons, to vary sentence structures and convey relationships between ideas more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. By addressing the highlighted areas, you can further elevate the sophistication and precision of your writing, potentially reaching a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s landscape, some businesses prioritize profit generation above all else. While I acknowledge the validity of this viewpoint to some extent, I firmly believe that social responsibilities must also hold significant importance.

On one hand, it’s undeniable that making money stands as a primary goal for almost every enterprise. Economic growth contributes to enhancing the overall quality of life for residents by improving accommodations, infrastructure, and access to health insurance. Additionally, a drive for increased profitability creates more job opportunities, consequently reducing unemployment and elevating living standards.

Conversely, there are strong reasons why I advocate for every company to emphasize social responsibilities. Certain business activities, like the direct disposal of contaminated waste into rivers, pose severe environmental threats, directly impacting human health. Moreover, businesses should share responsibility alongside governments for societal welfare. Initiating simple, impactful projects, especially aimed at assisting the financially disadvantaged, can significantly boost businesses’ standing in the social sphere.

In conclusion, while the pursuit of profit remains undeniably crucial for businesses, I contend that social responsibilities are equally vital.

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