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The use of social media (e.g. Facebook and Twitter) is replacing face-to-face contact for many people in everyday life. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

The use of social media (e.g. Facebook and Twitter) is replacing face-to-face contact for many people in everyday life.

Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

In recent years, it has been believed that daily direct communication of most people is being replaced by that via social media websites and apps. This essay is going to argue for why this trend brings a lot more drawbacks to society.

To commence, the popularity of social media in daily life can offer a few positive effects to users. The prominent benefit of using social media for communication is that it serves distant connection among relatives and friends at an economical price. To specify, users can conduct video calls or texting via some social apps such as facebook or twitter at ease without paying any extra amount except for the Internet charge. Therefore, this telecommunication is considered to be convenient in a view to keeping in contac. Additionally, frequent posts on social media can be of help to keep beloved ones updated about one's life events, allowing users to be imformed of all people in their circle.

On the other hand, the replacement of social media communication can affect users much more adversely. One of the primary drawbacks is that lack of direct communication could impede the development of emotion among individuals. To elaborate, conversations via screen cannot include body language and eye contact, leading to being insensive in capturing others' feelings and causing individuals to lack sympathy for others. Another significant negative effect of communicating via social apps is low concentration in conversations. To specify, one can both conduct a call or send messages while doing other activities at school or at work stimultaneously, resulting in ineffective outcomes of all involved activities.

In conclusion, notwithstanding a few advantages of communicating via social media, its drawbacks are much more significant. Therefore, social media users should never consider telecommunication as an alternative to in person commincation.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In recent years, it has been believed that daily direct communication of most people is being replaced by that via social media websites and apps."
    -> "In recent years, there is a prevailing belief that daily face-to-face communication among the general populace is being supplanted by communication through social media websites and apps."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and avoids the passive construction, providing a clearer and more direct expression of the idea.

  2. "This essay is going to argue for why this trend brings a lot more drawbacks to society."
    -> "This essay will argue why this trend poses numerous drawbacks to society."
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains formality and conciseness, eliminating unnecessary phrases and emphasizing the essay’s purpose.

  3. "To commence, the popularity of social media in daily life can offer a few positive effects to users."
    -> "To begin with, the prevalence of social media in daily life can yield several positive effects for users."
    Explanation: "To commence" is less formal, and the revised phrase "To begin with" is a more academic way to introduce a point. "Popularity" is replaced with "prevalence" for a more precise and formal term.

  4. "To specify, users can conduct video calls or texting via some social apps such as facebook or twitter at ease without paying any extra amount except for the Internet charge."
    -> "Specifically, users can engage in video calls or text messaging through social apps such as Facebook or Twitter effortlessly, incurring no additional expenses apart from the Internet charge."
    Explanation: The improved version enhances formality and clarity, using proper capitalization for social media platform names and providing a more polished structure.

  5. "Therefore, this telecommunication is considered to be convenient in a view to keeping in contac."
    -> "Therefore, this mode of telecommunication is deemed convenient for maintaining contact."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates the awkward phrase "in a view to" and substitutes it with a more concise and formal expression.

  6. "Additionally, frequent posts on social media can be of help to keep beloved ones updated about one’s life events, allowing users to be imformed of all people in their circle."
    -> "Moreover, regular posts on social media can assist in keeping loved ones informed about one’s life events, enabling users to stay apprised of everyone in their social circle."
    Explanation: The improvements include using "Moreover" for better transition, replacing informal terms like "beloved ones" with "loved ones," and refining the sentence structure for academic clarity.

  7. "On the other hand, the replacement of social media communication can affect users much more adversely."
    -> "Conversely, the substitution of social media communication can have more pronounced adverse effects on users."
    Explanation: "On the other hand" is replaced with "Conversely" for a more formal transition, and the language is refined for a more precise and sophisticated expression.

  8. "To elaborate, conversations via screen cannot include body language and eye contact, leading to being insensive in capturing others’ feelings and causing individuals to lack sympathy for others."
    -> "To elaborate, conversations conducted via screens lack the inclusion of body language and eye contact, resulting in insensitivity towards capturing others’ feelings and causing individuals to lack sympathy."
    Explanation: The revision improves the sentence by removing redundancy and using more precise language, making the statement clearer and more formal.

  9. "Another significant negative effect of communicating via social apps is low concentration in conversations."
    -> "Another notable adverse effect of communication through social apps is reduced concentration during conversations."
    Explanation: "Significant" is replaced with "notable" for a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, and the phrase is refined for academic formality.

  10. "To specify, one can both conduct a call or send messages while doing other activities at school or at work stimultaneously, resulting in ineffective outcomes of all involved activities."
    -> "Specifically, individuals can simultaneously make calls or send messages while engaging in other activities at school or work, leading to ineffective outcomes for all involved tasks."
    Explanation: The revised version uses "specifically" for clarity, corrects the misspelled "stimultaneously" to "simultaneously," and improves the sentence structure for academic precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear response to the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of the increasing use of social media. However, the analysis could be more nuanced, and the reasons could be further developed.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, consider exploring deeper insights into the advantages and disadvantages. Provide specific examples or scenarios to support your points, making the analysis more comprehensive.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position by arguing that the drawbacks of social media outweigh the benefits. The stance is clear, but the development of this position could be more robust.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the position by delving into more elaborate explanations for why the drawbacks are more significant. Use concrete examples and logical reasoning to support your stance consistently throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with basic explanations. However, there is room for improvement in extending and supporting these ideas. Some points lack elaboration and examples.
    • How to improve: Work on providing more in-depth explanations for each point. Include specific examples or evidence to bolster your arguments. This will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of your essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, there are instances of imprecise language and unclear expressions that may slightly deviate from the main focus.
    • How to improve: Be vigilant with your language to ensure clarity. Avoid vague expressions and focus on directly addressing the prompt. Additionally, strive for a smoother transition between ideas to maintain a clear and consistent focus on the topic.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear stance on the issue. However, to improve, it should deepen the analysis, strengthen the position, provide more detailed explanations, and ensure precision in language to enhance overall coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization by presenting the advantages and disadvantages of social media communication in separate paragraphs. However, there is a lack of a clear introduction, and the thesis statement is somewhat unclear. The progression of ideas is hindered by awkward phrasing and sentence construction, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the opening sentence could be more articulate in introducing the topic and setting the tone for the essay.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should begin with a clear introduction that succinctly introduces the topic and provides a thesis statement. Additionally, revise sentence structures for clarity, ensuring a smooth flow of ideas throughout the essay.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is evident, with separate sections for advantages and disadvantages. However, the structure within paragraphs is inconsistent, leading to occasional confusion. Some ideas are presented in lengthy sentences, reducing the overall effectiveness of paragraphing.

    • How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by breaking down lengthy sentences into concise ones. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea or aspect of the argument, facilitating a smoother transition between points.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "To commence," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, their usage is somewhat repetitive, and the overall cohesion is weakened by awkward phrasing and word choices. The transition phrases could be more varied and effectively employed to guide the reader through the essay.

    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, selecting them based on their appropriateness to link ideas logically. Choose transition words judiciously, ensuring they enhance the coherence of the essay. Consider revising awkward phrases for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but the vocabulary could be more diverse and sophisticated. For instance, phrases like "a lot more drawbacks" could be replaced with more nuanced expressions, enhancing the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and advanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of repetitive use of phrases like "social media," consider using alternatives such as "online platforms," "digital networks," or "virtual communities" where appropriate. This would elevate the lexical variety and contribute to a more sophisticated vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally lacks precision in vocabulary. For instance, the use of "insensive" appears to be a typographical error, and it affects the clarity of the sentence. Similarly, some phrases like "keeping in contac" are imprecise and could be refined for better conveyance of meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, carefully proofread the essay to eliminate typographical errors. Additionally, focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "keeping in contac," use "maintaining contact." Replace imprecise terms like "insensive" with "insensitive." This will contribute to a clearer and more precise expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "stimultaneously" (simultaneously), "commincation" (communication), and "imformed" (informed). These errors detract from the overall quality of the essay and may affect reader comprehension.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, utilize spelling and grammar-check tools during the writing process. Additionally, proofread the essay thoroughly to identify and correct spelling errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling accuracy over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some effort in utilizing a range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and precision. Spelling accuracy is a crucial aspect that requires attention. Enhancing vocabulary through the incorporation of synonyms and refining imprecise language will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in sentence structures. Most sentences are simple and lack complexity. For instance, the essay predominantly uses basic sentence structures, such as subject-verb-object, and fails to incorporate more complex structures like compound or complex sentences. This limited variety affects the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, try incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, you can introduce complex ideas with sentences that use subordinate clauses or use compound sentences to connect related ideas. Varying sentence structures will contribute to a more engaging and polished essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a number of grammatical and punctuation errors that impact clarity and precision. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues, such as "communication of most people is being replaced," where "communication" should be "communications." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like missing commas in sentences such as "This essay is going to argue for why this trend brings a lot more drawbacks to society," where a comma after "for" would improve readability.
    • How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to catch these errors. Additionally, review the rules of subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Pay close attention to punctuation, including commas and apostrophes, to avoid confusion and enhance the overall accuracy of the writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy would elevate the quality of the writing. Regular practice with diverse sentence constructions and careful proofreading for grammatical errors will contribute to a more refined and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there is a prevailing belief that daily face-to-face communication among the general populace is being supplanted by communication through social media websites and apps. This essay will argue why this trend poses numerous drawbacks to society.

To begin with, the prevalence of social media in daily life can yield several positive effects for users. Specifically, users can engage in video calls or text messaging through social apps such as Facebook or Twitter effortlessly, incurring no additional expenses apart from the Internet charge. Therefore, this mode of telecommunication is deemed convenient for maintaining contact. Moreover, regular posts on social media can assist in keeping loved ones informed about one’s life events, enabling users to stay apprised of everyone in their social circle.

Conversely, the substitution of social media communication can have more pronounced adverse effects on users. To elaborate, conversations conducted via screens lack the inclusion of body language and eye contact, resulting in insensitivity towards capturing others’ feelings and causing individuals to lack sympathy. Another notable adverse effect of communication through social apps is reduced concentration during conversations. Specifically, individuals can simultaneously make calls or send messages while engaging in other activities at school or work, leading to ineffective outcomes for all involved tasks.

In conclusion, despite a few advantages of communicating via social media, its drawbacks are much more significant. Therefore, social media users should never consider telecommunication as an alternative to in-person communication.

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