The values that we learn from our parents and family have a greater influence on our future success than the knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In our contemporary society, many people argue that knowledge which learn from family and parents have a greater impact on children’s future than he cultivation of
schools; I, however, disagree with this statement due to the complex nature of education and its significant influence on a person's growth and achievement.

To begin with, parents have a greater role in setting good examples for their kids that shaping children’s characteristics; schools, moreover, dispose of it in order to complete the education of children by a qualified standard. Indeed, school is where the young can sharpen their personality to be suited to society standards which require more than instinct. For instance, in some families which excessively spoil their children, the young may tend to be needy; in this case, educational institutions play a role as “second parents” that revive children’s characteristics to become better by teaching them how bad that personality is.

Besides, school is also a place to foster the well-rounded development of youngsters by providing a structured learning environment where students acquire critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction. Not only providing qualified standard education in compulsory subjects for children, schools also give them an opportunity to interact with other peers which through it can teach them about soft skills such as communication skills, problem skills and team building skills. Family influence is generally shallow and non-specialized in this regard. Unlike familiar teachings, schools provide exams and revision to assess students' knowledge, enhance their strength and improve their weakness.

In conclusion, family values are certainly important in molding a person's character, but formal education in schools provides a comprehensive education that is essential for future achievements. This includes social interaction, skill development, and knowledge acquisition. The symbiotic relationships between academic learning and family teachings create a more substantial basis for an individual's successes.

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Errors and Improvements:

"knowledge which learn from family" -> "knowledge acquired from family"
Explanation: "which learn" is grammatically incorrect; "acquired" is a more precise verb choice for expressing the process of gaining knowledge.
"than he cultivation of schools" -> "than the cultivation in schools"
Explanation: "he cultivation" is grammatically incorrect; "the cultivation in schools" is a clearer and grammatically correct phrase.
"parents have a greater role in setting good examples for their kids that shaping children’s characteristics" -> "parents play a significant role in setting positive examples that shape children’s character"
Explanation: "that shaping children’s characteristics" lacks clarity and coherence; "setting positive examples that shape children’s character" is a clearer and more concise expression.
"dispose of it in order to complete the education" -> "complement it to enhance the educational process"
Explanation: "dispose of it" is unclear and awkward; "complement it to enhance the educational process" is a clearer and more precise phrase.
"For instance, in some families which excessively spoil their children" -> "For example, in households where children are excessively pampered"
Explanation: "in some families which excessively spoil their children" is overly wordy and lacks clarity; "in households where children are excessively pampered" is more concise and specific.
"the young may tend to be needy" -> "children may develop a sense of entitlement"
Explanation: "the young may tend to be needy" is vague and lacks precision; "children may develop a sense of entitlement" is a clearer and more precise expression.
"educational institutions play a role as ‘second parents’" -> "educational institutions serve as supplementary parental figures"
Explanation: "second parents" is a colloquial expression; "supplementary parental figures" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase.
"that revive children’s characteristics to become better" -> "that help refine children’s traits"
Explanation: "revive children’s characteristics to become better" is awkward and unclear; "help refine children’s traits" is a clearer and more precise expression.
"by providing a structured learning environment where students acquire critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction" -> "by furnishing a structured learning environment conducive to the acquisition of critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction"
Explanation: "where students acquire critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction" is ambiguous; "conducive to the acquisition of critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction" provides clarity and precision.
"problem skills" -> "problem-solving skills"
Explanation: "problem skills" is unclear and lacks specificity; "problem-solving skills" accurately describes the intended skill set.
"Unlike familiar teachings" -> "In contrast to familial teachings"
Explanation: "familiar teachings" is unclear and lacks specificity; "familial teachings" is a more precise expression.
"provide exams and revision" -> "administer examinations and review sessions"
Explanation: "provide exams and revision" is imprecise; "administer examinations and review sessions" is clearer and more formal.
"enhance their strength and improve their weakness" -> "strengthen their abilities and address their weaknesses"
Explanation: "enhance their strength and improve their weakness" is awkward and lacks clarity; "strengthen their abilities and address their weaknesses" is more precise and coherent.
"family values are certainly important" -> "family values undoubtedly play a crucial role"
Explanation: "are certainly important" lacks emphasis and formality; "undoubtedly play a crucial role" provides stronger assertion and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing the influence of both family values and school education on a person’s future success. It acknowledges the significance of family teachings in shaping character while arguing against the notion that they have a greater impact than formal education.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, the essay could provide more specific examples or statistics to support the argument that formal education is crucial for future success, thereby strengthening the rebuttal against the opposing view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing against the idea that family values have a greater influence on future success than school education. It effectively articulates this stance in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reaffirm it in the conclusion to ensure the reader grasps the writer’s perspective from beginning to end.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and supports them with relevant examples and arguments. It discusses the role of parents in shaping character traits and contrasts it with the comprehensive education provided by schools, including skill development and knowledge acquisition.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, the essay could delve deeper into the specific ways in which formal education prepares individuals for success in various aspects of life, such as career advancement, problem-solving, and critical thinking.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the influence of family values versus school education on future success. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more focused, particularly in ensuring that all examples directly relate to the comparison between family influence and school education.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay could avoid tangential discussions and ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument, emphasizing the contrast between familial teachings and formal education.

Overall, the essay effectively argues against the notion that family values have a greater impact on future success than school education, demonstrating a clear understanding of the prompt. To enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific evidence and maintain tighter focus on the comparison between family influence and formal education.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure, with an introduction, development paragraphs, and a conclusion. The logical progression from discussing the influence of family values to the comprehensive role of schools in fostering personal and academic growth is well maintained. However, some sentences are overly complex and occasionally disrupt the logical flow, such as "schools, moreover, dispose of it in order to complete the education of children by a qualified standard."
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider simplifying sentence structures and ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on one main idea. Transitional phrases could be employed more effectively to guide the reader through the arguments more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and aspects of the argument. Each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, such as "To begin with, parents have a greater role in setting good examples for their kids…" However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas which could be better separated to enhance clarity and impact.
- How to improve: Practice developing single ideas within each paragraph more thoroughly before transitioning to a new paragraph. This can be achieved by expanding on examples, providing more detailed explanations, or integrating more specific evidence. Ensure that each paragraph transitions neatly into the next to maintain coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Besides," and "In conclusion," which help in structuring the argument and guiding the reader. However, the effectiveness of these devices is sometimes diminished by grammatical inaccuracies and unclear reference, for example, "dispose of it in order to complete" could be clarified for better coherence.
- How to improve: Aim to diversify the use of cohesive devices beyond the typical "firstly," "secondly," "finally" structure. Incorporating synonyms and paraphrased expressions can enhance the readability and flow of the essay. Also, ensure that all pronouns clearly refer back to their antecedents to avoid confusion and improve clarity.

The overall organization and use of cohesive devices are sufficient to meet the requirements of a band 6, indicating an adequate handling of coherence and cohesion. However, attention to clearer and simpler expression, better paragraph development, and more precise use of cohesive devices can elevate the performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it effectively conveys ideas, there is room for improvement in utilizing a wider variety of vocabulary to enhance precision and depth of expression. For instance, phrases like "contemporary society" and "structured learning environment" exhibit a reasonable level of lexical diversity. However, there are instances where more specific or nuanced vocabulary could be employed. For example, instead of repeatedly using "schools," alternative terms like "educational institutions" or "academic establishments" could be integrated to enrich the vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, or domain-specific terminology where appropriate. Additionally, aim to incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, such as educational terminology or descriptors for familial influence. Reading widely across different genres and topics can also aid in expanding vocabulary repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with moderate precision, effectively conveying ideas with clarity. However, there are instances of imprecise usage that could be refined for greater specificity. For instance, phrases like "shaping children’s characteristics" and "revive children’s characteristics" are somewhat ambiguous and could benefit from more precise terminology to clearly delineate the intended meaning. Additionally, the use of "problem skills" could be substituted with a more accurate term like "problem-solving skills" for clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely articulates intended meanings. Utilize specific terms that leave no room for ambiguity, especially when discussing complex concepts or relationships. Thoroughly review word choices to ensure they align closely with the intended message, considering whether alternative terms might convey the meaning more accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates acceptable spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "he" instead of "the" in the opening sentence and "familiar" instead of "family" in the penultimate paragraph. While these errors do not significantly detract from the coherence of the essay, enhancing spelling accuracy would further bolster the overall quality of written expression.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing strategies such as proofreading carefully before submission, utilizing spell-check tools, and practicing spelling through targeted exercises. Developing a habit of double-checking written work for spelling errors can help mitigate the occurrence of such mistakes in future compositions. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with common spelling patterns and irregularities can aid in minimizing errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating simple, compound, and complex sentences effectively. For instance, it utilizes complex sentences to present nuanced ideas, such as "In some families which excessively spoil their children, the young may tend to be needy; in this case, educational institutions play a role as ‘second parents’ that revive children’s characteristics to become better by teaching them how bad that personality is." Additionally, it employs compound sentences to connect related thoughts, as seen in "Not only providing qualified standard education in compulsory subjects for children, schools also give them an opportunity to interact with other peers which through it can teach them about soft skills such as communication skills, problem skills and team building skills."
- How to improve: While the essay displays a good range of structures, further sophistication can be achieved by incorporating more varied sentence types, such as complex-compound sentences or sentences with inverted word order for emphasis. Introducing rhetorical devices like parallelism or appositive phrases can also enhance the essay’s readability and depth.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where grammatical issues arise, such as subject-verb agreement ("knowledge which learn"), incorrect verb tense ("schools also give them an opportunity"), and article usage ("the young may tend to be needy"). Punctuation is generally used appropriately, but there are occasional errors or inconsistencies, like missing commas before introductory phrases ("To begin with," "Besides," "In conclusion,") and inconsistent capitalization ("problem skills").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and revise sentences for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper article usage. Paying close attention to the placement of commas and ensuring consistency in capitalization will also contribute to clearer and more polished writing. Engaging in thorough proofreading or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and rectify these errors effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of sentence structures and maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, attention to detail in addressing specific grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies can elevate the overall quality of writing. Continued practice and revision focusing on these areas will contribute to further improvement in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In our modern society, there is ongoing debate about whether the values instilled by family hold more sway over a child’s future success compared to the education received in schools. I respectfully disagree with this notion, recognizing the multifaceted nature of education and its profound impact on personal growth and accomplishments.

Firstly, parents undoubtedly play a significant role in setting positive examples that shape children’s character. However, schools complement this parental guidance to enhance the overall educational process. For example, in households where children are excessively pampered, they may develop a sense of entitlement. Educational institutions, acting as supplementary parental figures, help refine children’s traits by providing a structured learning environment conducive to the acquisition of critical skills, knowledge, and social interaction.

Moreover, schools serve as crucial platforms for fostering the holistic development of young individuals. They offer a structured setting where students not only gain essential knowledge in core subjects but also develop problem-solving skills, communication abilities, and teamwork through interactions with peers. Unlike familial teachings, schools administer examinations and review sessions to strengthen students’ abilities and address their weaknesses comprehensively.

While family values undoubtedly play a crucial role in molding character, formal education in schools provides a comprehensive foundation that is indispensable for future achievements. The symbiotic relationship between familial teachings and academic learning creates a more robust basis for an individual’s successes by addressing various facets of personal and intellectual development.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the invaluable influence of family values, I maintain that formal education in schools plays an indispensable role in shaping individuals into well-rounded and successful members of society.