The values that we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The values that we learn from our parents and family have greater influence on our future success than knowledge and skills we learn at school.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The last few decades have seen heated discussions about who has a substantial influence on young people. Personally, I am inclined that parents and family play a paramount role in their children’s lives. Nevertheless, I would argue that school enhances interpersonal skills and social communication.

On the one hand, I think that nobody can deny that parents have an influence on their youth. First, parents are role models for their children. They are the first tutors and teachers in children’s lives. In other words, the youngest monitors and observes the attitudes and reactions of their parents in any situation. After that, children try to imitate these behaviours, and they use the same words and the same speech avenue. In addition, the parents determine several ground rules and moral characters that their child should acquire and bring up on it . To illustrate, young people acquire distinctive characters through the time that parents spend with them by playing games, sports, and doing activities. Thus, young people will try to be disciplined and follow these rules that their parents foster by giving them privileges and gifts.

On the other hand, I claim school plays a major role in enhancing interpersonal skills. Primarily, it contributes to improving self-confidence, evolving communication skills, and boosting competitive spirit between peers and discipline. For instance, there are several activities inside and outside the classroom. For example, a teacher teaches pupils how to express their ideas and opinions through conversation about interesting topics. Also, the teacher has a high qualification in student’ discipline by putting any pupil who has misbehaviour in a naughty corner.

In conclusion, I believe parents and school are crucial for children. However, I would point out that education, values, and skills are pyramids that are constructed by a variety of experiences, practical experimentation, and parents' ethics. Parents and schools must ensure steps are taken to enhance moral issues.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Personally, I am inclined that" -> "Personally, I believe that"
   Explanation: The phrase "I am inclined that" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "I believe that" is the correct and more formal expression for asserting a personal opinion.

2. "play a paramount role" -> "play a significant role"
   Explanation: "Paramount" is often used to describe something of the highest importance or authority, which may be too strong for this context. "Significant" is more appropriate for describing the importance of parents in children’s lives.

3. "enhances interpersonal skills and social communication" -> "enhances interpersonal and social skills"
   Explanation: The phrase "social communication" is redundant as "communication" already implies social interaction. Simplifying it to "social skills" maintains clarity and avoids redundancy.

4. "nobody can deny" -> "it is undeniable"
   Explanation: "Nobody can deny" is a bit informal and conversational for academic writing. "It is undeniable" is more formal and fits better in an academic context.

5. "the youngest monitors and observes" -> "the young observe"
   Explanation: "The youngest monitors and observes" is grammatically incorrect. "The young observe" is grammatically correct and maintains the intended meaning.

6. "the same words and the same speech avenue" -> "the same language and mannerisms"
   Explanation: "Speech avenue" is an unusual and unclear term. "Language and mannerisms" are more precise and commonly used terms in academic writing.

7. "determine several ground rules and moral characters" -> "establish certain guidelines and moral values"
   Explanation: "Ground rules" and "moral characters" are not standard terms. "Guidelines" and "moral values" are more appropriate and clear in this context.

8. "bring up on it" -> "instill"
   Explanation: "Bring up on it" is incorrect and unclear. "Instill" is the correct verb for teaching or developing moral values and skills.

9. "young people will try to be disciplined" -> "young people are encouraged to be disciplined"
   Explanation: "Will try to be" implies a lack of certainty, which is less formal. "Are encouraged to be" suggests a more positive and formal approach to discipline.

10. "boosting competitive spirit" -> "fostering a competitive spirit"
    Explanation: "Boosting" is somewhat informal and vague. "Fostering" is more precise and academically appropriate for describing the development of a competitive spirit.

11. "a teacher teaches pupils how to express their ideas and opinions" -> "teachers instruct pupils in expressing their ideas and opinions"
    Explanation: "A teacher teaches" is too general and informal. "Teachers instruct" is more precise and formal, and "in expressing" is grammatically correct.

12. "has a high qualification in student’ discipline" -> "exhibits high standards of discipline among students"
    Explanation: "Has a high qualification in student’ discipline" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Exhibits high standards of discipline among students" is clearer and more formal.

13. "putting any pupil who has misbehaviour" -> "placing any pupil exhibiting misbehavior"
    Explanation: "Putting any pupil who has misbehaviour" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Placing any pupil exhibiting misbehavior" corrects these issues and maintains formality.

14. "ensure steps are taken to enhance moral issues" -> "ensure measures are implemented to address moral issues"
    Explanation: "Ensure steps are taken to enhance moral issues" is awkward and unclear. "Ensure measures are implemented to address moral issues" is clearer and more formal, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the influence of parents and family values versus the knowledge and skills learned at school. It acknowledges the significant role parents play in shaping children’s character and values, while also highlighting the importance of schools in developing interpersonal skills and discipline.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced discussion with deeper exploration of how each factor (parents/family vs. school) specifically contributes to future success. Providing more concrete examples and discussing potential counterarguments could strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay initially leans towards agreeing that parents and family have a greater influence, but later emphasizes the role of schools in enhancing interpersonal skills. While the position evolves, it remains somewhat ambiguous at times.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. Clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the prompt and support this position with more focused arguments and examples.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented but could benefit from more development and coherence. There are instances where ideas are vaguely connected or lack sufficient elaboration (e.g., the impact of parents as role models and the specifics of how schools enhance skills).
  • How to improve: Extend ideas by providing specific examples, statistics, or personal experiences to illustrate points more vividly. Ensure each paragraph supports the thesis clearly and logically.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the influence of parents and schools on children’s future success. However, there are moments of slight deviation, such as discussing discipline in schools without clear relevance to the main argument.
  • How to improve: Maintain strict relevance to the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to supporting your thesis on parental influence versus school influence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively discusses both parental influence and school education, there is room for improvement in clarity, coherence, and depth of analysis. Strengthening the structure and ensuring a more focused argumentation would likely elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically. It begins with an introduction that outlines the author’s stance and follows with two main body paragraphs discussing parents’ influence and the role of schools, respectively. Each paragraph is focused on a single aspect of the argument, which aids clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its topic sentence. This can be achieved by linking ideas more explicitly between paragraphs, such as using transition words or phrases that show the relationship between ideas (e.g., "Furthermore", "In contrast", "To illustrate").

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to structure its arguments effectively. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details. However, there are instances where the development within paragraphs could be more balanced, with some points needing further elaboration or clearer connections to the main argument.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph not only starts with a clear topic sentence but also develops the main idea fully with supporting examples or explanations. For instance, in the paragraph discussing parents’ influence, expand on how specific parental actions shape children’s behaviors and values.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they", "these"), conjunctions ("however", "thus", "for example"), and repetitive words to link ideas ("First", "On the other hand"). While these devices generally connect ideas adequately, there is room for improvement in variety and precision.
  • How to improve: Aim to diversify cohesive devices by incorporating more advanced linking words and phrases (e.g., "Moreover", "In addition to", "Consequently") to create more nuanced connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles by organizing ideas into clear paragraphs and using some cohesive devices, further refinement is needed to achieve a higher band score. Strengthening the logical progression of ideas and enhancing the diversity and precision of cohesive devices will elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, thereby improving its overall clarity and impact on the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, though it occasionally repeats words such as "parents," "children," and "skills." There are attempts to use varied vocabulary, such as "paramount," "enhances," "acquire," and "boosting." However, some phrases lack variety and could benefit from more nuanced word choices.
  • How to improve: To improve, vary the terminology used to refer to key concepts. For example, instead of repeatedly using "parents," consider synonyms like "guardians," "caregivers," or "upbringing figures." Additionally, strive for more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, such as "paramount role," "distinctive characters," and "enhancing interpersonal skills." However, there are instances where the vocabulary choice is less precise, leading to ambiguity or awkward phrasing. For instance, "speech avenue" and "putting any pupil who has misbehaviour in a naughty corner" could be more precisely articulated.
  • How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "speech avenue," consider "communication style" or "mode of expression." Replace vague expressions like "naughty corner" with terms like "time-out area" or "disciplinary space," which are more precise and contextually appropriate.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy generally meets the standard expected at this band level, with occasional errors like "misbehaviour" (misbehavior) and some minor typographical errors ("pupils" should be "pupil’s" or "pupils’"). Overall, the spelling is adequate but would benefit from careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, utilize spell-check tools and proofread thoroughly. Pay attention to common problem areas such as suffixes ("-our" vs. "-or") and possessives ("children’s" vs. "childrens"). Practicing writing under time constraints with a focus on accuracy can also help in improving spelling consistency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage and spelling, there is room for improvement in both range and precision of vocabulary, as well as in ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. By incorporating these suggestions and continuing to practice with attention to detail, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall writing proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used throughout, albeit with occasional errors that slightly affect clarity and coherence. For instance, in the sentence "Nevertheless, I would argue that school enhances interpersonal skills and social communication," a complex sentence structure is effectively employed to contrast ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences or passive voice constructions to enhance sophistication.
  • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If parents encourage exploration, children may develop more independent thinking skills"), passive voice (e.g., "Mistakes are often corrected by teachers to improve student learning"), and more varied transitions (e.g., "Consequently," "Moreover," "In contrast"). These additions will enrich the essay’s flow and demonstrate a higher level of syntactic complexity.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are noticeable errors that occasionally affect clarity and precision. For example, "First, parents are role models for their children" could be refined with the article "the" before "children" to improve specificity. Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("After that, children try to imitate these behaviours") slightly detract from readability.
  • How to improve: Focus on consistently using articles (definite and indefinite) correctly, especially in complex sentence structures. Review the placement of commas and other punctuation marks to ensure that they enhance clarity and organization. For instance, pay attention to commas in lists and after introductory phrases to improve the essay’s readability and coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a moderate range of sentence structures, further development in these areas will elevate the overall clarity, coherence, and sophistication of the writing, potentially achieving a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

The discussion about whether parents or schools exert a greater influence on young people has been ongoing for decades. Personally, I believe that parents and family play a significant role in shaping the future success of their children. However, I also acknowledge that schools contribute significantly to enhancing interpersonal and social skills.

Parents undoubtedly serve as primary role models for their children. They are their initial educators, teaching them through their own behaviors and reactions in various situations. It is undeniable that children observe and emulate their parents’ language and mannerisms. Furthermore, parents establish certain guidelines and moral values that children adopt and follow as they grow. For instance, through shared activities such as games and sports, parents instill discipline and encourage their children to adhere to these principles.

Conversely, schools play a crucial role in fostering interpersonal skills among students. Teachers instruct pupils in expressing their ideas and opinions effectively, which enhances their self-confidence and communication abilities. Additionally, schools promote a competitive spirit among peers, which is beneficial for personal development. Teachers also maintain high standards of discipline by addressing any misbehavior promptly, ensuring a conducive learning environment.

In conclusion, both parents and schools are pivotal in the upbringing of children. While parents lay the foundation for moral values and discipline, schools complement this by refining interpersonal skills and fostering a competitive environment. Ultimately, a balanced approach, integrating values from home and skills from school, is essential for the comprehensive development of young individuals.