The world has seen an enormous increase in fights for business and commercial purposes around the world over recent years. What do you think are the main advantages and disadvantages of such fights?

The world has seen an enormous increase in fights for business and commercial purposes around the world over recent years.

What do you think are the main advantages and disadvantages of such fights?

In recent years, plenty of nations in the whole world witnessed various controversial phenomenons, and one of these was the fight for human rights, especially employee welfare. This trend soon grew significantly and had both positive and negative sites. From my personal standpoint, this contest should be carried out based on the provisions of law.
It can be seen from the fact that if the fight gains certain success, it can bring several advantages for workers, such as having higher salaries, better healthcare and time with family. Obviously, when people have more leisure time for themselves, their work efficiency is potentially improved and developed.
On the other hand, the struggle may cause stagnation in the operation of the company or the production process of the enterprise. Consequently, it leads to huge economic losses for both owners and employees. One more striking disadvantage is the state of uncontrolled fighting that can easily lead to violent actions that harm others, and sometimes even violate the law.
From my perspective, struggle actions should take place in a democratic form and in accordance with the law forced by a specific government. Despite all the proven benefits, it should be limited in all countries in the world.
In conclusion, there were both advantages and disadvantages among this trend. However, all of the fights should be limited, but when necessary, they should still take place voluntarily and in compliance with the law.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "plenty of nations in the whole world" -> "many countries worldwide"
   Explanation: "Plenty of nations" is somewhat informal and vague. "Many countries worldwide" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

2. "witnessed various controversial phenomenons" -> "observed various controversial phenomena"
   Explanation: "Phenomenons" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "phenomena." Additionally, "witnessed" is less formal than "observed," which is more appropriate for academic writing.

3. "the fight for human rights, especially employee welfare" -> "the struggle for human rights, particularly employee welfare"
   Explanation: "Fight" can be replaced with "struggle" to maintain a more formal tone. "Especially" is less formal than "particularly," which is preferred in academic writing.

4. "This trend soon grew significantly and had both positive and negative sites" -> "This trend soon gained significant momentum and had both positive and negative impacts"
   Explanation: "Grew significantly" is vague; "gained significant momentum" is more precise and formal. "Sites" should be replaced with "impacts" to correctly refer to the effects of the trend.

5. "From my personal standpoint" -> "From my perspective"
   Explanation: "From my personal standpoint" is redundant; "From my perspective" is sufficient and more concise.

6. "having higher salaries, better healthcare and time with family" -> "higher salaries, improved healthcare, and more family time"
   Explanation: "Having" is informal and can be replaced with the more formal "higher." "Better" is vague; "improved" is more specific. "Time with family" is informal; "more family time" is more formal.

7. "their work efficiency is potentially improved and developed" -> "their work efficiency may be enhanced and developed"
   Explanation: "Potentially" is somewhat informal; "may be" is more precise and formal. "Improved" is sufficient; "enhanced" adds a nuance of improvement in quality.

8. "the struggle may cause stagnation" -> "the struggle may lead to stagnation"
   Explanation: "Cause" is less formal than "lead to," which is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the consequences of an action.

9. "huge economic losses" -> "substantial economic losses"
   Explanation: "Huge" is somewhat informal; "substantial" is more precise and formal.

10. "One more striking disadvantage" -> "Another significant disadvantage"
    Explanation: "One more" is informal and redundant; "Another" is sufficient. "Striking" is somewhat informal; "significant" is more neutral and formal.

11. "the state of uncontrolled fighting" -> "uncontrolled fighting"
    Explanation: "The state of" is unnecessary and verbose; "uncontrolled" is more direct and formal.

12. "can easily lead to violent actions that harm others, and sometimes even violate the law" -> "may lead to violent actions that harm others and potentially violate the law"
    Explanation: "Can easily" is informal; "may" is more appropriate for indicating possibility in formal writing. "Sometimes even" is redundant; "potentially" is more concise.

13. "should take place in a democratic form and in accordance with the law forced by a specific government" -> "should occur in a democratic manner and in compliance with the laws of the relevant government"
    Explanation: "Take place" is less formal than "occur." "In accordance with the law forced by" is awkward and unclear; "in compliance with the laws of" is clearer and more formal.

14. "Despite all the proven benefits, it should be limited in all countries in the world" -> "Despite the benefits, it should be restricted globally"
    Explanation: "Proven benefits" is redundant; "benefits" is sufficient. "Limited in all countries in the world" is verbose; "restricted globally" is more concise and formal.

15. "all of the fights should be limited" -> "all such struggles should be restricted"
    Explanation: "Fights" is informal and imprecise; "struggles" is more appropriate for the context. "Limited" is less formal than "restricted," which is preferred in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of fights for business and commercial purposes. However, it primarily focuses on the fight for human rights and employee welfare, which is a narrower interpretation of the prompt. The advantages mentioned include higher salaries and better healthcare, while the disadvantages include economic losses and potential violence. The essay does not fully explore the broader context of business competition or commercial disputes, which limits its effectiveness in answering the question comprehensively.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly define what is meant by "fights" in the context of business and commercial purposes. This could include competition among businesses, labor disputes, or corporate takeovers. The essay should provide a balanced discussion that includes various aspects of these fights, ensuring that all parts of the question are addressed.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that fights should occur within the framework of the law, which is a clear stance. However, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, while the writer mentions the need for democratic forms of struggle, the conclusion reiterates a somewhat contradictory point about limiting fights, which could confuse the reader about the author’s true stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that their viewpoint is consistently reflected in all parts of the essay. This can be achieved by restating the main position in each paragraph and linking the advantages and disadvantages back to this central argument. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the main points while reinforcing the author’s stance clearly.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the advantages of improved worker conditions and the disadvantages of economic losses and violence. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with examples or evidence. For instance, the mention of higher salaries lacks specific context or examples of how this benefit manifests in real-world scenarios.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. This could include statistics on worker satisfaction or examples of companies that have benefited from improved employee welfare. Additionally, elaborating on each point with further explanation would strengthen the argument and provide a more compelling case.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the topic by focusing more on human rights and employee welfare rather than the broader implications of business competition and commercial disputes. While these are relevant issues, they do not fully encompass the scope of the prompt, which asks for an analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of fights in a commercial context.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the concept of fights in business and commercial contexts. This can be achieved by outlining the main points in the introduction and ensuring that each paragraph ties back to these points. Regularly checking if the content aligns with the prompt will help maintain focus and relevance throughout the essay.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score, the writer should ensure a comprehensive understanding of the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, provide well-supported ideas, and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing the advantages of fights for employee welfare to the disadvantages is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two ideas could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical progression of thoughts.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate the relationship between ideas, such as "While the advantages are significant, it is important to also consider the potential drawbacks." Additionally, outlining the main points in the introduction can help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to advantages and another to disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing advantages could benefit from more specific examples or elaboration on how improved employee welfare translates to better productivity.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that provide evidence or examples. For example, in the advantages paragraph, you could elaborate on how higher salaries directly affect employee morale and productivity, providing a more robust argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "Consequently," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are repetitive. For instance, the use of "one more striking disadvantage" could be varied to avoid redundancy and enhance the essay’s overall cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain coherence without repetitive phrasing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing the logical flow, developing paragraphs more thoroughly, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "controversial phenomenons," "employee welfare," and "economic losses." However, the use of phrases like "the fight for human rights" and "the struggle may cause stagnation" suggests a somewhat limited lexical variety. The repetition of words like "fight" and "struggle" indicates a lack of synonyms, which could enhance the essay’s richness.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "fight" and "struggle," alternatives such as "advocacy," "campaign," or "dispute" could be used. Additionally, introducing more sophisticated vocabulary related to economics and human rights could further enhance the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "sites" instead of "sides" when referring to advantages and disadvantages. The phrase "the state of uncontrolled fighting" is vague and could be more accurately articulated as "unregulated disputes" or "disorderly protests." These inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing definitions and contexts of words before using them. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing and using context-appropriate terms can help in achieving greater precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "phenomenons," which should be "phenomena," and "sites," which should be "sides." These errors indicate a need for greater attention to detail in spelling, which can undermine the overall professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help in reducing errors in future writings. Engaging in regular vocabulary exercises can also reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding the range of vocabulary, enhancing precision, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "It can be seen from the fact that if the fight gains certain success, it can bring several advantages for workers…" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a conditional relationship. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "One more striking disadvantage is the state of uncontrolled fighting" could be rephrased to enhance engagement and complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as participial phrases or adverbial clauses. For example, instead of starting with "On the other hand," you might begin with "Conversely," or "In contrast," to create a more dynamic flow. Additionally, integrating more relative clauses or using inversion in some sentences could enhance the complexity and sophistication of your writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with most sentences correctly structured. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the fight for human rights, especially employee welfare" could be clearer if rephrased to "the fight for human rights, particularly concerning employee welfare." Additionally, the use of "sites" instead of "sides" in "both positive and negative sites" is a notable error that affects the overall understanding of the text. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully to catch typographical errors and awkward phrasing. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help improve clarity. For example, ensure that commas are used appropriately before conjunctions in compound sentences and after introductory phrases. Engaging in exercises focused on common grammatical structures and their correct usage can also enhance overall accuracy.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria of the IELTS writing task.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, many countries worldwide have observed various controversial phenomena, and one of these has been the struggle for human rights, particularly employee welfare. This trend soon gained significant momentum and had both positive and negative impacts. From my perspective, this contest should be carried out based on the provisions of law.

It can be seen that if the struggle achieves certain successes, it can bring several advantages for workers, such as higher salaries, improved healthcare, and more family time. Obviously, when people have more leisure time for themselves, their work efficiency may be enhanced and developed.

On the other hand, the struggle may lead to stagnation in the operations of the company or the production processes of the enterprise. Consequently, this can result in substantial economic losses for both owners and employees. Another significant disadvantage is the state of uncontrolled fighting, which may lead to violent actions that harm others and potentially violate the law.

From my perspective, such struggles should occur in a democratic manner and in compliance with the laws of the relevant government. Despite the benefits, it should be restricted globally.

In conclusion, there are both advantages and disadvantages associated with this trend. However, all such struggles should be restricted, but when necessary, they should still take place voluntarily and in accordance with the law.