there are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country is more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are various genes of music globally, each with unique characters and purpose. Music plays a vital role in human life because of different reasons. While international music is listened everywhere today, traditional style has a significant position in national culture of a country.
In my opinion, there are two reasons why people need to listen to music. Firstly, a beautiful song can helps us to gain relaxing and comfort. Some researches have shown that numerous kinds of music have a positive influence on our mental health, such as classical music, jazz, or instrumental music. If you enjoy favorite songs instead of think about troubles, you can relief your stresses in the hectic life. Secondly, a suitable song presents out our thought without talking, especially in the particular parties. For example, in the wedding ceremony, they turn on the song "Beautiful in white" to talk about a romantic love story and bless the couple happy forever. Therefore, beautiful melodies and meaningful lyrics are parts of our increasing pressure lives.
It is true that there are numerous kinds of music are listened all around the world and each style have separate significations. Although international style is heard everywhere, but I believe that traditional music is more important than modern style for a country. The first reason is its historical depth. For example, the style is called "Revolutionary music", these songs were composed in the war time, which gave us both great melodies and historical stories. Thus, traditional style helps young people to remember about national spirit, original point and historical culture. The second reason is that national music plays a kry role in the asserting values of the national culture in the world. There are many genes of traditional music in Vietnam were recognized as a cultural heritage, such as Quan Ho Bac Ninh folk songs, Hue royal court music, Southern amateur music. As a result, traditional music makes a significant contribution on the national culture.
In conclusion, there are a variety of music types in the world, those are useful for our stressful lives today. Although modern music is listened everywhere nowadays, but traditional style plays a significant role in the culture of a country.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are various genes of music globally" -> "There are various genres of music globally"
Explanation: "Genes" is a biological term and is incorrectly used here. "Genres" is the correct term for categories of music, enhancing the accuracy and formality of the statement.
"each with unique characters and purpose" -> "each with unique characteristics and purposes"
Explanation: "Characters" is typically used to describe people or personalities, whereas "characteristics" is the correct term for describing qualities or features of music. Additionally, "purpose" should be pluralized to "purposes" to match the plural subject "genres."
"because of different reasons" -> "for various reasons"
Explanation: "Because of different reasons" is somewhat informal and vague. "For various reasons" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"a beautiful song can helps us to gain relaxing and comfort" -> "a beautiful song can help us gain relaxation and comfort"
Explanation: "Can helps" is grammatically incorrect. "Can help" is the correct form, and "relaxation" is the noun form of "relaxing," which is more appropriate in this context.
"Some researches have shown" -> "Research has shown"
Explanation: "Researches" is plural and incorrect; "research" is the singular form needed here. Also, "has shown" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"If you enjoy favorite songs instead of think about troubles, you can relief your stresses" -> "If you enjoy your favorite songs instead of thinking about troubles, you can relieve your stress"
Explanation: "Instead of think" is grammatically incorrect. "Instead of thinking" corrects this. "Relief" should be "relieve," and "stress" should be singular to match the singular subject "stress."
"a suitable song presents out our thought without talking" -> "a suitable song expresses our thoughts without words"
Explanation: "Presents out our thought" is awkward and incorrect. "Expresses our thoughts" is grammatically correct and clearer. "Without talking" is redundant as "without words" conveys the same meaning more succinctly.
"beautiful melodies and meaningful lyrics are parts of our increasing pressure lives" -> "beautiful melodies and meaningful lyrics are aspects of our increasingly pressured lives"
Explanation: "Are parts of our increasing pressure lives" is awkward and incorrect. "Are aspects of our increasingly pressured lives" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity and formality.
"numerous kinds of music are listened all around the world" -> "numerous types of music are listened to globally"
Explanation: "Are listened all around the world" is grammatically incorrect. "Are listened to globally" corrects the verb form and uses a more formal phraseology.
"each style have separate significations" -> "each style has separate significations"
Explanation: "Have" should be "has" to agree with the singular subject "style."
"but I believe that traditional music is more important than modern style" -> "but I believe that traditional music is more important than modern styles"
Explanation: "Style" should be plural to match the plural context of "kinds of music" mentioned earlier, ensuring consistency and correctness.
"plays a kry role" -> "plays a key role"
Explanation: "Kry" is a typographical error; "key" is the correct word.
"makes a significant contribution on the national culture" -> "makes a significant contribution to the national culture"
Explanation: "On" is incorrect; "to" is the correct preposition for indicating contribution to something.
"those are useful for our stressful lives today" -> "these are beneficial for our stressful lives today"
Explanation: "Those" is incorrect in this context; "these" refers back to the previously mentioned "music types." "Beneficial" is a more formal synonym for "useful," enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the need for music and comparing the importance of traditional music to international music. The first paragraph introduces the topic of music’s role in human life, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into the significance of traditional music. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer and more direct response to the question about why we need music, as the reasons provided are somewhat general and could be more explicitly linked to the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly answered. For instance, they could provide more specific examples of how music fulfills emotional or social needs in various contexts, thereby directly addressing the question of why we need music.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that traditional music is more important than international music. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the discussion of the historical significance and cultural contributions of traditional music. However, the phrasing in some sections, such as "Although international style is heard everywhere, but I believe that traditional music is more important," could be clearer and more assertive.
- How to improve: The writer should work on phrasing to eliminate unnecessary conjunctions that can muddle the clarity of their position. For instance, they could rephrase sentences to be more straightforward, such as "While international music is widely heard, I believe traditional music holds greater importance for a country."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of music and the significance of traditional music, supported by examples like the use of music in weddings and the historical context of revolutionary songs. However, some ideas, such as the benefits of music for mental health, could be further developed with more detailed examples or studies to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. For instance, they could include statistics or studies that demonstrate the positive effects of music on mental health, or they could provide more context about the traditional songs mentioned to illustrate their importance.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of music and the importance of traditional music. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the benefits of music without directly tying it back to the comparison with traditional music. This can create a slight disconnect in the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made is directly relevant to the central argument. They could use transitional phrases to link back to the main topic, reinforcing how each point supports their overall thesis about the importance of traditional music.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it could benefit from more specific examples, clearer phrasing, and stronger connections between ideas to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction outlines the main ideas, and each body paragraph addresses specific reasons supporting the thesis. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the personal benefits of music, while the second focuses on the cultural significance of traditional music. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing the benefits of music to the importance of traditional music feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that directly link back to the thesis. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "On the other hand") can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability. Each paragraph has a main idea, but some paragraphs could be better structured. For instance, the second body paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on historical depth and the other on the cultural significance of traditional music. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Consider ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This can be achieved by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and following it with supporting details. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "For example," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a tendency to overuse certain phrases, and some sentences lack clear connections. For instance, the phrase "Although international style is heard everywhere, but I believe that traditional music is more important" contains redundancy and could be streamlined for clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "In contrast" when discussing the differences between traditional and international music, or "Consequently" when explaining the implications of traditional music on national culture. Additionally, ensure that sentences flow logically into one another, avoiding unnecessary repetition and redundancy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By refining the organization, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "vital role," "positive influence," and "historical depth." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat limited or repetitive, such as the repeated use of "music" and "style." Additionally, phrases like "beautiful melodies" and "meaningful lyrics" are somewhat clichéd and do not showcase a broader lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "music," they could use terms like "melodies," "tunes," or "harmonies." Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can add depth to the writing. For instance, instead of "beautiful song," consider "captivating composition" or "soul-stirring melody."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "genes of music," which should be "genres of music." The phrase "presents out our thought" is awkward and could be better expressed as "expresses our thoughts." Furthermore, "kry role" is a misspelling of "key role," which affects clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully proofread their work for vocabulary accuracy and appropriateness. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more suitable words. Additionally, practicing writing sentences with new vocabulary in context can aid in understanding their precise meanings and correct usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "genes" instead of "genres," "helps" instead of "help," "relief" instead of "relieve," "kry" instead of "key," and "significations" instead of "significance." These errors can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps by keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them. Additionally, using spell-check tools and proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch errors before submission. Reading extensively can also improve spelling through exposure to correct forms.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary usage, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("Music plays a vital role in human life") and compound sentences ("Although international style is heard everywhere, but I believe that traditional music is more important than modern style for a country"). However, the use of complex sentences is limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that detract from clarity. For example, "there are numerous kinds of music are listened all around the world" is grammatically incorrect and convoluted.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses effectively. For instance, instead of saying "there are numerous kinds of music are listened," the writer could say, "there are numerous kinds of music that are listened to all around the world." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using transitional phrases can improve the flow and coherence of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect its overall clarity. For example, "a beautiful song can helps us" should be "a beautiful song can help us," and "the style is called ‘Revolutionary music’, these songs were composed" should use a semicolon or a period instead of a comma. The use of "kry" instead of "key" is a spelling error that undermines the professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the phrase "although modern music is listened everywhere nowadays, but traditional style plays a significant role" incorrectly combines "although" and "but," which is redundant.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs are in the correct form. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading for common errors can be beneficial. Furthermore, the writer should focus on punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage, to avoid run-on sentences and fragments. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes that may be overlooked in silent reading.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are various genres of music globally, each with unique characteristics and purposes. Music plays a vital role in human life for various reasons. While international music is listened to everywhere today, traditional styles hold a significant position in the national culture of a country.

In my opinion, there are two main reasons why people need to listen to music. Firstly, a beautiful song can help us gain relaxation and comfort. Research has shown that numerous kinds of music have a positive influence on our mental health, such as classical music, jazz, or instrumental music. If you enjoy your favorite songs instead of thinking about troubles, you can relieve your stress in the hectic pace of life. Secondly, a suitable song expresses our thoughts without words, especially at particular events. For example, during a wedding ceremony, they often play the song “Beautiful in White” to convey a romantic love story and bless the couple with happiness forever. Therefore, beautiful melodies and meaningful lyrics are essential aspects of our increasingly pressured lives.

It is true that there are numerous types of music listened to around the world, and each style has separate significations. Although international music is heard everywhere, I believe that traditional music is more important than modern styles for a country. The first reason is its historical depth. For example, the genre known as “Revolutionary music” consists of songs composed during wartime, which provide us with both great melodies and historical narratives. Thus, traditional music helps young people remember their national spirit, origins, and historical culture. The second reason is that national music plays a key role in asserting the values of national culture on the global stage. There are many genres of traditional music in Vietnam that have been recognized as cultural heritage, such as Quan Ho Bac Ninh folk songs, Hue royal court music, and Southern amateur music. As a result, traditional music makes a significant contribution to the national culture.

In conclusion, there are a variety of music types in the world, which are beneficial for our stressful lives today. Although modern music is listened to everywhere nowadays, traditional styles play a significant role in the culture of a country.