There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays ?

Nowadays, there is a rich diversity in music genres around the world. Music gives several benefits to human well-being. From my perspective, traditional and international songs have different unique values hence, both should be considered equally crucial.
Firstly, music brings a wide range of advantages to not only mental health but also emotional aspect. To demonstrate, music helps people to reduce anxiety and depression with its relaxing pace, besides, the combination of music and meditation would definitely release the harsh feeling and aid in maintaining the mental status at a balanced level. On the other hand, music is also a connection method between people regardless of age. Not only that, music so far has known as one of the vital elements making our life more vibrant because of its dynamic melody and ear-catching tune.
Secondly, I further believe that local and foreign music contributes distinct value to the music industry. While the traditional song expresses the national spirit, majestic history in order to spread a country’s culture, worldwide music conveys multiple music categories to people to explore and experience. Moreover, in the regard to lyric, the unique underlying meaning and heartfelt messages are the matter which people should emphasize rather than its origin. As far as aforementioned, both types of genres share unsimilar values thus it is hard to prioritize one of them.

In conclusion, music is an indispensable element to human health. Additionally, i do believe that domestic music and international music should be seem equally important in our daily life

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"Music gives several benefits to human well-being." -> "Music offers numerous benefits to human well-being."
Explanation: "Offers" is more formal than "gives," and "numerous" is more precise than "several," enhancing the academic tone.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "In my view" is a more formal expression commonly used in academic writing to introduce personal opinions.
"traditional and international songs" -> "traditional and international music"
Explanation: "Music" is the correct term to use when referring to the genre or style, not "songs."
"have different unique values" -> "possess distinct values"
Explanation: "Possess" is more formal and precise than "have," and "distinct" is more appropriate than "unique" when describing differences.
"Music brings a wide range of advantages" -> "Music offers a broad range of benefits"
Explanation: "Offers" is more formal than "brings," and "benefits" is more specific and appropriate in the context of discussing advantages.
"not only mental health but also emotional aspect" -> "both mental and emotional well-being"
Explanation: "Well-being" is a more comprehensive and formal term than "aspect," and using "both" instead of "not only…but also" streamlines the sentence.
"with its relaxing pace" -> "through its soothing melodies"
Explanation: "Soothing melodies" is a more specific and formal way to describe the effect of music on mood.
"the combination of music and meditation would definitely release the harsh feeling" -> "the synergy of music and meditation can effectively alleviate harsh emotions"
Explanation: "Synergy" and "alleviate" are more precise and formal terms, and "can" is more tentative and academically appropriate than "would definitely."
"aid in maintaining the mental status at a balanced level" -> "help maintain a balanced mental state"
Explanation: "Help maintain a balanced mental state" is more concise and formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "aid in maintaining the mental status at a balanced level."
"music is also a connection method between people regardless of age" -> "music serves as a universal connector among people of all ages"
Explanation: "Serves as a universal connector" is more formal and precise, and "of all ages" is a more natural way to express the inclusivity.
"music so far has known as one of the vital elements" -> "music has been recognized as a vital element"
Explanation: "Has been recognized" is more formal and corrects the grammatical error in the original phrase.
"making our life more vibrant" -> "enhancing our lives"
Explanation: "Enhancing our lives" is more formal and precise than "making our life more vibrant."
"in the regard to lyric" -> "regarding lyrics"
Explanation: "Regarding" is the correct preposition for introducing a topic, and "lyrics" should be plural.
"the matter which people should emphasize" -> "the aspects that people should emphasize"
Explanation: "Aspects" is more specific and formal than "the matter," and "that" is grammatically correct.
"both types of genres share unsimilar values" -> "both genres share distinct values"
Explanation: "Distinct" is the correct adjective for describing differences in values, and "genres" should be plural.
"it is hard to prioritize one of them" -> "it is challenging to prioritize one over the other"
Explanation: "Challenging" is more formal and precise than "hard," and "one over the other" clarifies the comparison.
"Additionally, i do believe" -> "Furthermore, I believe"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Additionally," and capitalizing "I" corrects the grammatical error.
"should be seem equally important" -> "should be considered equally important"
Explanation: "Considered" is the correct verb form for this context, and "equally important" is grammatically correct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the importance of music and comparing traditional and international music. The first paragraph effectively outlines the benefits of music, while the second paragraph explores the unique values of both traditional and international music. However, the response could be improved by explicitly stating why we need music in the introduction and providing a more detailed comparison of the two types of music.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the introduction could include a clearer statement about the necessity of music in human life. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to illustrate the points made about traditional and international music, such as cultural significance or emotional impact.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that both traditional and international music are equally important. This position is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding statement. However, the use of phrases like "I further believe" and "as far as aforementioned" could be more assertive to strengthen the position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer and more assertive position, the writer could use stronger language to emphasize their viewpoint. Instead of phrases that suggest uncertainty, such as "I further believe," the writer could use definitive statements that reinforce their stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of music and the values of traditional and international music. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of music reducing anxiety and depression could be enhanced with a specific study or anecdote to provide stronger support.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples or evidence for each claim made. For instance, citing research studies or personal experiences related to the benefits of music would add depth to the argument. Additionally, elaborating on how traditional music expresses national spirit with specific examples from different cultures would strengthen the comparison.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of music and the comparison between traditional and international music. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the phrase "music is also a connection method between people" could be more closely tied to the main argument about the importance of traditional versus international music.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to answering the question. Additionally, avoiding tangential statements will help keep the essay concise and relevant.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position, there are areas for improvement in providing specific examples, developing ideas more fully, and maintaining a strong focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the main argument, stating that both traditional and international music hold equal importance. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of music on mental health and social connection, while the second body paragraph contrasts the values of traditional and international music. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly between the benefits of music and the discussion of its cultural significance.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that directly connect to the thesis statement. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly links the benefits of music to its cultural significance, thereby creating a more cohesive narrative. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses the benefits of music, while the second discusses the comparative values of traditional and international music. However, the paragraphs could be further developed to include more detailed examples and clearer connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the mention of music aiding in reducing anxiety could be supported by a specific study or statistic. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible parts, which will help maintain clarity and focus within each paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the other hand," and "Moreover." These devices help to signal the progression of ideas. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow and connection between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbial phrases, and referencing techniques. For example, instead of repeating "music" in every sentence, use pronouns or synonyms to avoid redundancy. Additionally, phrases like "In contrast" or "Conversely" can be used to better articulate opposing ideas. This will not only improve cohesion but also make the writing more engaging for the reader.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on smoother transitions, more developed paragraphs, and a wider range of cohesive devices will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "diversity," "well-being," "anxiety," and "vibrant." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "traditional and international songs" and "local and foreign music." This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "music," they could use "melodies," "tunes," or "harmonies." Additionally, using more specific adjectives (e.g., "cultural," "melodic," "rhythmic") would help to diversify the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "connection method" which could be more effectively expressed as "means of connection" or "form of communication." The phrase "the unique underlying meaning and heartfelt messages are the matter which people should emphasize" is also awkward and could be clearer.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. They could revise sentences for conciseness and clarity, ensuring that each word accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of "the matter which people should emphasize," they could say "the aspects that deserve attention."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," and "seem" instead of "seen." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of frequently confused words can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory command of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "not only… but also" and "On the other hand" effectively connects ideas and adds complexity. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Music gives several benefits to human well-being" is straightforward and could be enhanced by incorporating more complex structures or clauses to add depth.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should consider using more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and relative clauses. For example, instead of saying "Music gives several benefits," the writer could say, "By providing various benefits, music plays a crucial role in enhancing human well-being." Additionally, incorporating more passive voice constructions or inversion could also add variety to the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, with most sentences being grammatically correct. However, there are notable errors that affect clarity and accuracy. For instance, in the phrase "music so far has known as one of the vital elements," the correct form should be "music has long been known as one of the vital elements." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "besides" in the sentence "with its relaxing pace, besides, the combination of music and meditation would definitely release the harsh feeling." This can lead to confusion in reading.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch errors in verb forms and sentence constructions. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify mistakes. For punctuation, the writer should review the rules regarding the use of commas, particularly in compound sentences and before conjunctions. Practicing sentence combining exercises could also help improve overall fluency and punctuation accuracy.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, there is a rich diversity in music genres around the world. Music offers numerous benefits to human well-being. From my perspective, traditional and international songs possess distinct values; hence, both should be considered equally crucial.

Firstly, music brings a broad range of advantages to both mental and emotional well-being. To demonstrate, music helps people reduce anxiety and depression through its soothing melodies. Besides, the synergy of music and meditation can effectively alleviate harsh emotions and aid in maintaining a balanced mental state. On the other hand, music also serves as a connection method between people regardless of age. Not only that, music has been recognized as a vital element that makes our lives more vibrant because of its dynamic melodies and ear-catching tunes.

Secondly, I further believe that local and foreign music contributes distinct value to the music industry. While traditional songs express the national spirit and majestic history to spread a country’s culture, international music conveys multiple music categories for people to explore and experience. Moreover, regarding lyrics, the unique underlying meanings and heartfelt messages are the aspects that people should emphasize rather than their origin. As mentioned above, both genres share distinct values; thus, it is challenging to prioritize one over the other.

In conclusion, music is an indispensable element for human health. Additionally, I do believe that domestic music and international music should be considered equally important in our daily lives.