There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
It is a fact that numerous sorts of musical styles are favored all over the world. Music plays a pivotal role in human lives for several reasons, and I believe that conventional music is as important as international ones.
There are some reasons why music is necessary for society. To begin with, music is regarded as a means of healing. Immersing in gentle melody facilitates the feeling of relaxation after strenuous times, and the relief from long boring journeys. If people, especially adolescents undergo intense pressures from the workplace, music also serves as a mental treatment of anxiety, stress and more. Not only this, music has the ability to connect people from different generations. Regardless of age and sex, people can enjoy a memorable melody, a strong rhythm and a beautiful voice that have the same magical effect. For instance, several music televised competitions, such as “The Voice”, “The X Factor” and many concerts, all of which enable audiences to sing, dance and comment together.
From my perspective, both traditional and global music play an equally significant role in social life. Firstly, conventional music forms express the history, customs and identity of the country. When these types of music are the top priority of modern people, this spurs national pride and willingness to defend their nation. Secondly, international pop music is often associated with diverse genres, which assist listeners in broadening their horizons and accessing various worldwide cultures. Therefore, it would be perfect if traditional and pop music are incorporated, such as Hoang Thuy Linh’s latest album, allowing people both return to the past and catch up with modern trends.
To sum up, music is a necessary part of human existence, and I assert that conventional and international music are all of equal importance.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"numerous sorts of musical styles" -> "a variety of musical genres"
Explanation: Replacing "numerous sorts of musical styles" with "a variety of musical genres" enhances clarity and formalizes the language, making it more suitable for academic writing. -
"conventional music" -> "traditional music"
Explanation: "Conventional" is a bit vague and could imply music that is simply popular at the moment. "Traditional music" more accurately refers to music that has been passed down through generations and is culturally significant. -
"strenuous times" -> "challenging times"
Explanation: "Strenuous" primarily relates to physical exertion, whereas "challenging" is more fitting for difficult or demanding situations in general. -
"mental treatment of anxiety, stress and more" -> "mental alleviation of anxiety and stress"
Explanation: "Treatment" implies a medical intervention, while "alleviation" is more appropriate for describing the relief of symptoms. Additionally, specifying "anxiety and stress" makes the sentence more concise. -
"Regardless of age and sex" -> "Irrespective of age or gender"
Explanation: "Regardless of age and sex" is somewhat informal. "Irrespective of age or gender" maintains formality and clarity. -
"memorable melody" -> "captivating melody"
Explanation: "Captivating" conveys a stronger sense of engagement than "memorable." -
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is slightly informal. "In my view" is a more formal and concise expression of opinion. -
"conventional music forms" -> "traditional musical forms"
Explanation: "Conventional" can imply what is currently popular, while "traditional" specifically refers to music with deep cultural roots. -
"spurs national pride" -> "fosters national pride"
Explanation: "Fosters" is a more precise and formal term for encouraging or promoting. -
"catch up with modern trends" -> "stay abreast of contemporary trends"
Explanation: "Catch up" is somewhat colloquial. "Stay abreast of" maintains formality while conveying the idea of keeping up with current trends.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the importance of music in society and evaluates the significance of both traditional and international music.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately covers the main points, a more in-depth analysis could enhance the response. Providing specific examples of traditional and international music and their impact would strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that both traditional and international music are equally important.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the writer could explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples. It discusses the role of music in healing, connecting people, expressing identity, and broadening horizons.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, the writer could delve deeper into the cultural significance of both traditional and international music. Providing more detailed examples and elaborating on their impact would enrich the discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the importance of music and comparing traditional and international genres.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains focus overall, some sections could be more tightly connected to the central theme. Ensuring that every point directly relates to the role and importance of music would strengthen coherence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. By providing more detailed analysis, explicit positioning, and deeper exploration of ideas, the essay could further elevate its response and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that presents the topic and the author’s stance clearly. Each paragraph thereafter addresses a specific aspect of why music is important, first focusing on its therapeutic effects and ability to connect people, then discussing the significance of both traditional and international music. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points presented in the body paragraphs. However, transitions between some ideas could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the flow of ideas more smoothly. For instance, you can use phrases like "Furthermore," or "On the other hand," to signal shifts between different aspects of the topic. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to avoid confusion.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to structure the discussion. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, such as the therapeutic role of music, its ability to connect people, and the importance of both traditional and international music. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. However, some paragraphs could be more developed to provide deeper analysis and support for the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure and effectiveness, consider expanding on each main point with additional examples, evidence, or analysis. This will help strengthen the argument and provide a more thorough exploration of the topic. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its main idea without straying off topic.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. These include transitional phrases like "To begin with," "Firstly," and "Secondly," which help to sequence the author’s arguments logically. Additionally, pronouns such as "this" and "these" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts. However, there is room to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonyms, parallel structure, and repetition, to further strengthen coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or parallel structure to vary sentence structure and improve readability. Additionally, use cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay to ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Finally, pay attention to pronoun reference to ensure clarity and coherence in the essay’s overall structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, encompassing terms such as "pivotal," "immersive," "strenuous," "melody," "national pride," "incorporated," and "horizons," among others. These lexical choices contribute to the overall richness of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a good variety of vocabulary, enhancing it further by incorporating more nuanced or specialized terminology related to music and cultural discourse could elevate the lexical resource score. Consider integrating domain-specific terms or idiomatic expressions related to music and cultural identity to add depth and sophistication to the discussion.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying ideas and concepts related to the importance of music in society and the distinction between traditional and international music. For example, terms like "conventional," "global," "identical," and "various worldwide cultures" are used appropriately to articulate specific points.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for greater specificity and accuracy in word choice. For instance, instead of using broad terms like "music," "important," or "significant," consider employing more precise vocabulary to convey nuanced meanings. Additionally, pay attention to the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align closely with the intended message and do not create ambiguity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy overall, with no glaring spelling errors that significantly detract from comprehension. However, there are a few minor errors such as "several sorts" instead of "numerous types," "regarded as a means" instead of "recognized as a means," and "melody, a strong rhythm" where "and" might be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading carefully, using spell-check tools, and expanding vocabulary through consistent reading and writing practices. Additionally, pay attention to common spelling patterns and irregularities to minimize errors in future compositions.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the author effectively employs complex sentences such as "Music plays a pivotal role in human lives for several reasons" and "When these types of music are the top priority of modern people, this spurs national pride and willingness to defend their nation." The use of different sentence structures enhances readability and demonstrates the author’s ability to express ideas in diverse ways.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or sentences with embedded clauses. This can add sophistication to the writing and contribute to a higher score in this criterion.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy with few errors. However, there are a couple of instances where minor grammatical errors occur. For example, in the sentence "To begin with, music is regarded as a means of healing," the phrase "To begin with" should be followed by a comma. Additionally, the phrase "when these types of music are the top priority of modern people" could be revised for clarity and grammatical correctness. Nonetheless, these errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to sentence structure and punctuation rules. Reviewing basic grammar principles, such as subject-verb agreement and correct usage of conjunctions, can help minimize errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can catch any remaining grammatical inaccuracies and ensure a polished final draft.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is indeed true that a variety of musical genres are cherished worldwide. Music holds significant importance in our lives for various reasons, and I firmly believe that traditional music holds equal importance to international music.
There are several reasons why music is indispensable in society. Firstly, music is recognized as a source of solace. Listening to soothing melodies aids in relaxation after arduous times and during lengthy journeys. Moreover, music serves as a mental alleviation for anxiety and stress, particularly for individuals facing workplace pressures, including adolescents. Music also serves as a unifying force across different generations. Irrespective of age or gender, people can find joy in captivating melodies, compelling rhythms, and beautiful voices, which have a universal appeal. For example, televised music competitions like “The Voice” and “The X Factor,” as well as concerts, provide platforms for audiences to sing, dance, and engage together.
In my view, both traditional and global music hold equal significance in social life. Firstly, traditional music forms serve as expressions of a country’s history, customs, and identity. When these forms of music are prioritized in modern society, they foster national pride and a sense of loyalty to one’s nation. Secondly, international pop music encompasses diverse genres, enabling listeners to explore different cultures worldwide. Therefore, it would be ideal to integrate both traditional and contemporary music, as demonstrated in artists like Hoang Thuy Linh’s latest album, which allows people to connect with the past while staying abreast of contemporary trends.
To conclude, music is an essential aspect of human existence, and I contend that both traditional and international music hold equal importance.
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