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There are those who consider work to be the paramount aspect of life, suggesting that without career success, life loses its meaning. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are those who consider work to be the paramount aspect of life, suggesting that without career success, life loses its meaning. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people would say: "Without career success, life loses its meaning, I partially agree with the statement. Let's go into details.
We are living in a growth-era of the economy when everything is money-matter. For example: I want have a shaped body which make me happy about myself. Then I need to register for gym membership which I must pay $50 monthly. Another example: I want my kids can go to the top-education schools. Then I need pay tuition. Those examples show that what makes people happy and enjoy life must come with a cost. The money will associate with the career. The higher the position, the higher the salary and more happiness.
However, some people may find a way not to involve career with their living meaning. An volunteer in Africa may not having success career but helping children in Africa which make he/she happy. A monk may not have a big salary, but helping people awaken make him happy.
In conclusion, successful career is not away the goal of life. What people do make them understand the meaning of their existence is the matter.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Without career success, life loses its meaning, I partially agree with the statement." -> "While some argue that life loses its meaning without career success, I partially agree with this sentiment."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves its formality by introducing the opposing viewpoint in a more academic manner.

  2. "We are living in a growth-era of the economy when everything is money-matter." -> "We are currently in an era of economic growth where financial considerations permeate every aspect of our lives."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces colloquial terms with more formal and precise language to convey the idea of the economy’s influence on various aspects of life.

  3. "For example: I want have a shaped body which make me happy about myself." -> "For instance, aspiring to achieve a well-toned physique that brings personal satisfaction requires a commitment, such as investing in a gym membership costing $50 monthly."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the example but uses more formal language and a clearer structure.

  4. "Another example: I want my kids can go to the top-education schools." -> "Another illustration is the desire to enroll my children in high-quality educational institutions."
    Explanation: The improvement replaces informal language with more sophisticated vocabulary while retaining the original meaning.

  5. "Those examples show that what makes people happy and enjoy life must come with a cost." -> "These examples illustrate that achieving happiness and life satisfaction often entails certain financial investments."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the clarity and formality of the sentence by rephrasing and introducing a more academic tone.

  6. "The money will associate with the career. The higher the position, the higher the salary and more happiness." -> "Financial considerations are closely tied to one’s career, with higher positions generally yielding increased salaries and, consequently, greater happiness."
    Explanation: The revision improves clarity and uses more formal language to express the relationship between money, career, and happiness.

  7. "An volunteer in Africa may not having success career but helping children in Africa which make he/she happy." -> "A volunteer in Africa may not pursue a successful career but finds fulfillment in contributing to the well-being of children, which brings happiness."
    Explanation: The improvement addresses grammatical issues and enhances formality and clarity.

  8. "A monk may not have a big salary, but helping people awaken make him happy." -> "A monk may not receive a substantial salary, but deriving happiness from assisting others in their spiritual awakening is fulfilling."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves grammar, replaces informal terms, and maintains a more formal tone.

  9. "In conclusion, successful career is not away the goal of life." -> "In conclusion, a successful career is not the sole objective of life."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality and precision of the concluding statement.

  10. "What people do make them understand the meaning of their existence is the matter." -> "The actions individuals undertake to comprehend the purpose of their existence are paramount."
    Explanation: The alternative offers a more formal and precise expression of the idea, avoiding informal language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both sides of the argument – the importance of career success for happiness and examples where individuals find meaning beyond a successful career. However, the analysis is brief, and the essay could benefit from a more comprehensive exploration of these perspectives. For instance, it could delve into the potential consequences of solely focusing on career success and elaborate on alternative sources of life satisfaction.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, consider providing more in-depth analysis and examples for each perspective. Develop arguments with specific details to enrich the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay’s stance is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. While the introduction leans towards partial agreement, the conclusion implies that a successful career is not the ultimate goal of life. The ambiguity in the essay’s position affects the overall clarity of the response.
    • How to improve: To improve, maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. If the position is partial agreement, ensure that every paragraph supports this viewpoint. Avoid introducing conflicting ideas that may confuse the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but they lack development and support. Examples provided are brief and lack specificity, affecting the depth of the argument. The essay could benefit from elaborating on the gym membership and tuition fee examples and providing more diverse and detailed illustrations.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, extend examples by providing more details and exploring various aspects of the argument. Use specific instances to bolster the reasoning and make the content more engaging for the reader.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but contains instances where the connection to the prompt is tenuous. For example, the mention of a shaped body in relation to a gym membership seems somewhat unrelated to the overarching theme of career success and life meaning.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every example and point directly relates to the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions that may divert the essay from the central theme. Stick to arguments that contribute directly to the exploration of career success and life meaning.

In summary, while the essay touches on various aspects of the prompt, it would benefit from a more thorough exploration of ideas, a consistent stance, and improved examples to enhance clarity and depth. Additionally, maintaining relevance to the topic throughout the essay will contribute to a more cohesive and effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a basic level of logical organization. However, there is room for improvement. The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement and a roadmap for the subsequent discussion. Additionally, the body paragraphs could benefit from a more systematic development of ideas. For instance, the examples provided to support the argument are somewhat disjointed, making the overall flow less coherent.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start the essay with a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs, with each one contributing to the overall argument. Consider grouping related ideas together to create a more cohesive structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. The opening paragraph is brief and lacks a clear topic sentence, making it less impactful. Additionally, the body paragraphs lack unity, and ideas are not consistently developed within each paragraph. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus, and develop ideas cohesively within each one. Consider using transitions to guide the reader through the essay smoothly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "however," "in conclusion"). However, their usage is limited, and the connection between ideas could be strengthened. The essay lacks a consistent use of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety and frequency of cohesive devices to improve the overall coherence of the essay. Use transition words and phrases more consistently to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will help the reader follow the logical progression of ideas more easily.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, but refinement in organizing information, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would contribute to a more compelling and logically structured response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a limited range of vocabulary. There is repetition of certain words and phrases throughout the essay, such as "career," "happy," and "meaning." For instance, the phrase "make him happy" is used multiple times in the conclusion. A wider variety of vocabulary would enhance the overall quality of expression.
    • How to improve: Introduce synonyms and varied expressions to convey the same ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "make him happy," explore alternatives like "bring him joy" or "fulfill him."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally imprecise. The essay lacks specificity in expressing ideas, and certain phrases could be more accurately articulated. For example, the phrase "helping people awaken" is vague and could benefit from more precise language to convey the nature of assistance.
    • How to improve: Aim for specificity by providing more details and using precise vocabulary. In the mentioned example, clarify the specific ways in which the monk helps people awaken, such as through meditation or spiritual guidance.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some spelling inaccuracies, such as "away" instead of "always" in the conclusion. While the errors are not pervasive, they do impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully or consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools. Developing a habit of revising written work can contribute to minimizing such errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in introducing more complex structures such as complex-compound sentences and varied sentence openings. For instance, the repeated use of simple sentence structures in the introductory paragraph may limit the essay’s overall sophistication. Incorporating more complex sentence structures can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex-compound sentences, using subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity. Additionally, vary sentence beginnings to create a more engaging and varied rhythm. For example, in the opening paragraph, instead of consistently starting sentences with "I," try introducing variety by using introductory phrases or dependent clauses.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "I want have" instead of "I want to have." Additionally, there are instances of comma splices, like in "Some people would say: ‘Without career success, life loses its meaning, I partially agree with the statement." These errors slightly affect the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review subject-verb agreement, ensuring proper usage throughout the essay. Pay attention to punctuation, particularly the correct use of colons and semicolons. Additionally, consider utilizing a variety of punctuation marks to enhance sentence structure. For example, replacing some commas with semicolons or using conjunctions to connect related independent clauses can improve the overall clarity and accuracy of your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure, further attention to detail and refinement in these areas could elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are those who argue that life’s meaning hinges on career success, and I partially agree with this perspective. Let’s delve into the details.

We are currently in an era of economic growth where financial considerations permeate every aspect of our lives. For instance, aspiring to achieve a well-toned physique that brings personal satisfaction requires commitment, such as investing in a gym membership costing $50 monthly. Another illustration is the desire to enroll my children in high-quality educational institutions. These examples illustrate that achieving happiness and life satisfaction often entails certain financial investments.

Financial considerations are closely tied to one’s career, with higher positions generally yielding increased salaries and, consequently, greater happiness. A volunteer in Africa may not pursue a successful career but finds fulfillment in contributing to the well-being of children, which brings happiness. Similarly, a monk may not receive a substantial salary, but deriving happiness from assisting others in their spiritual awakening is fulfilling.

In conclusion, a successful career is not the sole objective of life. The actions individuals undertake to comprehend the purpose of their existence are paramount.

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