There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In recent years, people have placed a great emphasis on youngsters' academic success. It is therefore supposed that informal education, for instance, physical education and cookery, needs to be abolished from the curriculum. While this perspective holds merit, I believe there are valid arguments against this approach.
Admittedly, it is understandable why many advocate for eliminating non-academic subjects from the program of study. This alteration to the teaching syllabus allows students to set aside their valuable time for studying formal subjects, such as Math, Physics, and Chemistry, which can directly sharpen critical and logical thinking, as well as elevate their performance on all exams. In fact, young individuals who have gained a wide range of academic achievements and succeeded in their education path, especially in the field of science subjects, are easily more highly appreciated and regarded as gifted students, while those who have a genius for sports or music are often underestimated in terms of their capacity.
However, I contend that there are many more plausible reasons to include informal subjects in the curriculum. Firstly, not all students are academically intelligent, and perhaps, they are more superior in arts. This theory is further supported when you look at those who are either natural-born artists or have an innate talent for other domains, for example, cooking and sports. By applying non-academic subjects to the curriculum, young people are offered opportunities for personal development and pursuing their own interests.
Furthermore, even if students are not fascinated by these aforementioned areas, subjects like art, music, physical education, are undeniably essential. These activities help students to avoid mental health problems and obesity, alongside permitting them to be more energetic, sociable, and relaxed after long hours of studying. In addition, non-academic subjects are also able to provide young individuals with a chance of getting access to hands-on knowledge and practical skills, which are useful in real life.
In conclusion, while the idea of removing non-academic subjects to allow students to concentrate on their studies is rational, I believe that it is crucial to consider the broader implications. Balancing academic accomplishment with practical knowledge is vital in formulating effective approaches for sustainable education.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"It is therefore supposed that" -> "It is therefore argued that"
Explanation: "Supposed" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Argued" is more precise and appropriate for presenting a scholarly perspective. -
"needs to be abolished" -> "should be eliminated"
Explanation: "Needs to be abolished" is somewhat forceful and informal. "Should be eliminated" is more measured and suitable for academic discourse. -
"This alteration to the teaching syllabus" -> "This modification to the curriculum"
Explanation: "Teaching syllabus" is redundant as "curriculum" already encompasses the educational content. Using "curriculum" simplifies and clarifies the statement. -
"allows students to set aside their valuable time" -> "enables students to allocate their time"
Explanation: "Set aside" is somewhat informal and vague. "Allocate" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"Math, Physics, and Chemistry" -> "mathematics, physics, and chemistry"
Explanation: Using full forms of academic subjects (e.g., "mathematics") enhances formality and precision in academic writing. -
"young individuals who have gained a wide range of academic achievements" -> "young individuals who have achieved a broad range of academic successes"
Explanation: "Gained a wide range of academic achievements" is somewhat awkward and verbose. "Achieved a broad range of academic successes" is more concise and maintains academic tone. -
"are easily more highly appreciated" -> "are generally more highly regarded"
Explanation: "Easily more highly appreciated" is awkward and unclear. "Generally more highly regarded" is clearer and more formal. -
"are often underestimated in terms of their capacity" -> "are frequently undervalued for their abilities"
Explanation: "Underrated" is a more precise term than "underestimated," and "abilities" is more specific than "capacity." -
"perhaps, they are more superior in arts" -> "perhaps, they excel in the arts"
Explanation: "More superior" is redundant and informal. "Excel" is more concise and academically appropriate. -
"natural-born artists" -> "naturally talented artists"
Explanation: "Natural-born" is an informal expression. "Naturally talented" is more precise and formal. -
"have an innate talent for other domains" -> "possess innate talents in other areas"
Explanation: "Have an innate talent for" is slightly informal and vague. "Possess innate talents in" is more formal and precise. -
"are undeniably essential" -> "are undoubtedly crucial"
Explanation: "Undeniably essential" is redundant. "Undoubtedly crucial" is more concise and maintains the formal tone. -
"help students to avoid mental health problems and obesity" -> "help students avoid mental health issues and obesity"
Explanation: "Help students to avoid" is slightly verbose. "Help students avoid" is more direct and formal. -
"are also able to provide young individuals with a chance of getting access to" -> "also offer young individuals the opportunity to access"
Explanation: "Are also able to provide… a chance of getting access to" is awkward and verbose. "Offer… the opportunity to access" is more streamlined and formal. -
"Balancing academic accomplishment with practical knowledge" -> "Balancing academic achievement with practical knowledge"
Explanation: "Accomplishment" is less common in academic contexts than "achievement," which is more widely accepted and understood in formal writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the removal of non-academic subjects from the curriculum. The introduction clearly states the issue and the writer’s stance, which is that while the removal may have some merit, there are significant reasons to retain these subjects. The body paragraphs present arguments for both the removal and retention of non-academic subjects, fulfilling the requirement to explore the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For example, instead of saying "I believe there are valid arguments against this approach," the writer could specify how strongly they disagree with the complete removal of non-academic subjects. This would provide a clearer framework for the reader.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the complete removal of non-academic subjects. The writer consistently supports this stance with logical reasoning and examples throughout the essay. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive in reinforcing the position. For instance, phrases like "this perspective holds merit" could be interpreted as somewhat ambiguous.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to use more definitive language to reinforce their position. Instead of suggesting that the opposing view "holds merit," they could assert that while there are arguments for it, the benefits of non-academic subjects far outweigh these concerns. This would strengthen the clarity and conviction of their position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the importance of personal development through non-academic subjects and their role in mental health and practical skills. Each point is supported with relevant examples, which enhances the overall argument. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the mention of "mental health problems and obesity" could be expanded with specific examples or statistics to provide a stronger basis for the claims made.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should consider integrating more specific examples, data, or case studies that illustrate the benefits of non-academic subjects. This would not only substantiate their arguments but also engage the reader more effectively.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the implications of removing non-academic subjects from the curriculum. There are no significant deviations from the main argument, and the writer consistently relates back to the prompt. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity and focus.
- How to improve: The writer should strive for conciseness in their sentences. For example, the phrase "young individuals who have gained a wide range of academic achievements and succeeded in their education path" could be simplified to "students who excel academically." This would maintain the focus on the topic while improving readability.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. By clarifying the extent of agreement, using more assertive language, providing specific examples, and enhancing conciseness, the writer can further strengthen their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph develops a distinct point that supports the overall argument, with the first paragraph addressing the rationale for removing non-academic subjects and the subsequent paragraphs countering this view. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of academic subjects to the advantages of non-academic subjects is smooth, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, the writer could include clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to explicitly state the main idea being discussed. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" at the beginning of contrasting points could help to reinforce the logical progression of the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability and comprehension. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, such as the benefits of academic subjects in the first body paragraph and the importance of non-academic subjects in the second. This clear division allows the reader to follow the argument easily.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, the writer could benefit from ensuring that each paragraph contains a balanced mix of explanation and examples. For instance, the second body paragraph could be strengthened by providing specific examples of how non-academic subjects contribute to personal development or mental health, thereby enhancing the argument’s persuasive power.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "firstly," and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. These devices effectively guide the reader through the writer’s reasoning and highlight contrasts and additions in the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, using expressions like "in addition to," "moreover," or "consequently" could enhance the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as relative clauses or participial phrases, would contribute to a more nuanced and engaging writing style.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing information and using paragraphs and cohesive devices to present a well-structured argument. With some minor adjustments and enhancements, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "emphasis," "abolished," "curriculum," "plausible," and "innate talent" showcasing the writer’s ability to express complex ideas. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the repeated use of "academic subjects" and "non-academic subjects" could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "non-academic subjects," alternatives like "extracurricular activities" or "practical disciplines" could be used. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary related to education, such as "curricular breadth" or "holistic education," would elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "those who have a genius for sports or music are often underestimated" could be more effectively articulated. The term "genius" might imply an extraordinary level of talent, which could be better expressed with "aptitude" or "talent," depending on the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the connotations and nuances of words. A more careful selection of terms that accurately reflect the intended meaning will improve clarity. For example, instead of "underestimated," the writer could use "overlooked" to convey the idea that such talents are not given due recognition.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no significant errors that detract from the overall readability. Words such as "curriculum," "academic," and "essential" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as reviewing commonly misspelled words and utilizing spell-check tools. Additionally, reading a variety of texts can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to proper usage in context.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary suitable for a Band 7 score, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, selecting words more carefully, and continuing to practice spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource further.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, effectively utilizing complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases such as "This alteration to the teaching syllabus allows students to set aside their valuable time for studying formal subjects" and "not all students are academically intelligent, and perhaps, they are more superior in arts" showcase the use of subordinate clauses and conjunctions. The writer also employs a mix of declarative and conditional sentences, which adds to the overall sophistication of the writing. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied; for example, the repeated use of "this" at the beginning of several sentences could be replaced with different subjects or introductory phrases to enhance flow and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, such as "In addition to this," or "Moreover," to begin sentences. Additionally, using more rhetorical questions or exclamatory sentences could engage the reader more effectively. Practicing the transformation of simple sentences into complex ones can also help in achieving greater variety.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the phrase "young individuals who have gained a wide range of academic achievements" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "not all students are academically intelligent, and perhaps, they are more superior in arts," where the use of "superior" could be more appropriately expressed as "more talented" to avoid awkwardness. Additionally, the list "art, music, physical education" should include a conjunction before the last item for clarity, such as "art, music, and physical education."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence clarity and avoiding awkward phrasing. Regularly reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing punctuation rules, especially with lists and conjunctions, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors, such as misplaced commas or awkward constructions, can help in achieving a more polished final draft.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. Continued focus on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will further enhance the quality of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, people have placed a great emphasis on youngsters’ academic success. It is therefore argued that non-academic education, for instance, physical education and cookery, should be abolished from the curriculum. While this perspective holds merit, I believe there are valid arguments against this approach.
Admittedly, it is understandable why many advocate for eliminating non-academic subjects from the program of study. This modification to the curriculum allows students to allocate their valuable time for studying formal subjects, such as mathematics, physics, and chemistry, which can directly sharpen critical and logical thinking, as well as elevate their performance on all exams. In fact, young individuals who have achieved a broad range of academic successes and succeeded in their educational path, especially in the field of science subjects, are generally more highly regarded as gifted students, while those who have a genius for sports or music are often undervalued for their abilities.
However, I contend that there are many more plausible reasons to include non-academic subjects in the curriculum. Firstly, not all students are academically intelligent, and perhaps they excel in the arts. This theory is further supported when you look at those who are either naturally talented artists or possess innate talents in other areas, for example, cooking and sports. By applying non-academic subjects to the curriculum, young people are offered opportunities for personal development and pursuing their own interests.
Furthermore, even if students are not fascinated by these aforementioned areas, subjects like art, music, and physical education are undoubtedly crucial. These activities help students avoid mental health issues and obesity, while also enabling them to be more energetic, sociable, and relaxed after long hours of studying. In addition, non-academic subjects also offer young individuals the opportunity to access hands-on knowledge and practical skills, which are useful in real life.
In conclusion, while the idea of removing non-academic subjects to allow students to concentrate on their studies is rational, I believe that it is crucial to consider the broader implications. Balancing academic achievement with practical knowledge is vital in formulating effective approaches for sustainable education.
