There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that practical subjects such as physical education should be abandoned from the school syllabus, therefore, students can focus on academic ones. This essay disagrees with the opinion above because every student has the abilities and skillset to develop further, as well as academic study is not the only way to success in today's society.
Every subject has its advantages, so they should be treated equally and should not be underestimated. There exist misconceptions that some occupations are more highly valued than others. In former times, people wanted their children to study well at theoretical subjects such as Mathematics and Chemistry so that they could grow up being doctors and scientists, which were jobs considered high-value and could make a lot of money. However, every jobs should be looked at respectfully, whether it is intellectual tasks or physical ones, because they are all contributing to the greater society that we are living in. Therefore, all subjects should be taught in school no matter their nature.
Moreover, every child grows up with their skills and interests, hence removing some subjects from the school syllabus could hinder their true capabilities. All subjects are created for a reason which is to serve students' interests. For instance, some of the students might cope with numbers and data so they would prefer Mathematics as their major, while some want to be a chef or a musician. Thus, deleting some of the subjects from the school programs may cause challenges to the students who desire to pursue a career based on those subjects.
In conclusion, non-academic subjects should not be canceled from school programs for students to focus on academic study. This is because every subject is valuable, and students can have wider options regarding their career choices in their life.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"practical subjects such as physical education" -> "practical subjects, including physical education"
Explanation: Adding "including" before "physical education" clarifies that physical education is one example of practical subjects, enhancing the precision of the phrase and aligning with formal academic style. -
"should be abandoned" -> "should be discontinued"
Explanation: "Discontinued" is a more formal and precise term than "abandoned," which can imply a complete removal without consideration for future use or alternatives. -
"therefore, students can focus on academic ones" -> "therefore, students can concentrate on academic subjects"
Explanation: "Concentrate on academic subjects" is more specific and formal than "focus on academic ones," which is vague and informal. -
"every student has the abilities and skillset" -> "every student possesses the abilities and skillset"
Explanation: "Possesses" is a more formal and precise verb than "has" in this context, enhancing the academic tone. -
"academic study is not the only way to success" -> "academic study is not the sole path to success"
Explanation: "Path" is a more precise and formal term than "way," and "sole" is more academically appropriate than "only." -
"There exist misconceptions" -> "There are misconceptions"
Explanation: "There are" is a more natural and formal way to introduce the existence of something in academic writing. -
"In former times" -> "Historically"
Explanation: "Historically" is a more formal and precise adverbial phrase suitable for academic texts, replacing the less formal "In former times." -
"highly valued" -> "highly regarded"
Explanation: "Highly regarded" is a more formal expression than "highly valued," which is slightly informal and less precise in this context. -
"could make a lot of money" -> "can generate significant income"
Explanation: "Can generate significant income" is more formal and precise than "could make a lot of money," which is colloquial. -
"every jobs" -> "every job"
Explanation: "Job" should be singular to match the singular context of discussing occupations in general. -
"intellectual tasks or physical ones" -> "intellectual and physical tasks"
Explanation: Using "and" instead of "or" correctly conveys that both types of tasks are being discussed, enhancing clarity and formality. -
"all subjects should be taught" -> "all subjects should be included in the curriculum"
Explanation: "Included in the curriculum" is a more precise and formal way to express the inclusion of subjects in educational programs. -
"removing some subjects from the school syllabus could hinder their true capabilities" -> "removing certain subjects from the school curriculum could limit their potential"
Explanation: "Limit their potential" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact on students’ abilities, replacing "hinder their true capabilities." -
"All subjects are created for a reason" -> "Each subject serves a purpose"
Explanation: "Each subject serves a purpose" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase than "All subjects are created for a reason," which is somewhat redundant and informal. -
"deleting some of the subjects from the school programs" -> "eliminating certain subjects from the school curriculum"
Explanation: "Eliminating" is a more formal term than "deleting," and "curriculum" is the correct term for the academic programs discussed, replacing "programs." -
"non-academic subjects should not be canceled" -> "non-academic subjects should not be discontinued"
Explanation: "Discontinued" is a more formal and precise term than "canceled" in this context, aligning better with academic language.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a disagreement with the notion of removing non-academic subjects from the school syllabus. It discusses the importance of practical subjects and their role in catering to diverse student interests and skills. The argument is well-supported with examples, such as the reference to various career paths that students might pursue, which aligns with the prompt’s focus on the balance between academic and non-academic education.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. Including a brief discussion on why some may advocate for the removal of non-academic subjects would demonstrate a deeper engagement with the prompt and provide a more balanced argument. Additionally, integrating specific examples of how non-academic subjects contribute to students’ overall development could strengthen the argument further.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the removal of non-academic subjects, consistently reinforcing this stance throughout the text. Phrases like "This essay disagrees with the opinion above" and "Therefore, all subjects should be taught in school" effectively communicate the author’s viewpoint. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and assertiveness, the conclusion could reiterate the main arguments more forcefully. Instead of simply stating that non-academic subjects should not be canceled, the author could emphasize the consequences of such actions on students’ futures and societal contributions. Using more definitive language can help solidify the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the value of non-academic subjects and their role in student development. It extends these ideas by discussing the potential consequences of removing such subjects and providing examples of different career paths. However, some points could be elaborated further, particularly the societal contributions of non-academic fields.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author could include more specific examples or statistics that illustrate the success of individuals in non-academic fields. Additionally, discussing how non-academic subjects can enhance skills applicable in academic settings (e.g., teamwork in physical education) would provide a more comprehensive view of their importance.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the implications of removing non-academic subjects and supporting the argument with relevant points. There are no significant deviations from the main argument, which helps maintain coherence.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring that every paragraph directly ties back to the central thesis can strengthen the overall coherence. The author could also consider using topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the main argument in each paragraph, reinforcing the focus on the importance of non-academic subjects.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively argues against the removal of non-academic subjects. By incorporating a more balanced acknowledgment of opposing views, strengthening the assertiveness of the position, elaborating on supporting ideas, and ensuring that each paragraph ties back to the thesis, the author could further enhance the quality of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the removal of non-academic subjects, structured around the idea that all subjects have value. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs logically follow, each focusing on a specific point that supports the thesis. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the societal perception of different occupations, while the second emphasizes the importance of catering to students’ diverse interests and skills. This logical flow enhances the reader’s understanding of the argument.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to explicitly state the main idea. This will guide the reader more effectively through the argument. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs can help signal shifts in focus, making the structure even more apparent.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, and the body paragraphs are appropriately separated. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision, as it covers two related but distinct ideas: the importance of diverse skills and the potential hindrance of removing subjects. This could lead to a more balanced and focused discussion.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs. One could focus on the importance of recognizing diverse skills, while the other could address the consequences of removing subjects. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "moreover," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. These devices effectively signal relationships between ideas, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied expressions of contrast and addition, which would enhance the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating phrases such as "on the other hand," "in addition," or "conversely" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help reduce repetition and improve the flow of the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "subjects," you might refer to them as "curricula" or "courses" in some instances.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "abandoned," "misconceptions," and "capabilities." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "academic subjects" and "non-academic subjects." For example, the term "subjects" is used frequently without variation, which limits the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could use synonyms or related terms. Instead of repeatedly using "subjects," alternatives like "curricula," "courses," or "disciplines" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs would enrich the language. For instance, instead of "high-value jobs," one might say "prestigious careers" or "lucrative professions."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "every jobs should be looked at respectfully" contains a grammatical error ("every jobs" should be "every job"). Additionally, the term "intellectual tasks" is vague and could be more specifically defined, as it does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure subject-verb agreement and clarify vague terms. Instead of "intellectual tasks," the writer could specify "academic disciplines" or "cognitive skills." Furthermore, reviewing grammar rules related to singular and plural forms would help avoid similar errors in the future.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors, such as "every jobs" instead of "every job." However, there is a misspelling of "therefore" in the first sentence, where it is used incorrectly as "therefore," which may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing software can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future essays.
In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. Expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling will contribute to a higher score in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Some people believe that practical subjects such as physical education should be abandoned from the school syllabus" showcases a complex structure with a subordinate clause. Additionally, the phrase "this essay disagrees with the opinion above because every student has the abilities and skillset to develop further" effectively combines ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, such as starting several sentences with "every" or "some."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence openings and experiment with different ways to connect ideas. For instance, using transitional phrases or varying the subject of sentences can add depth. Additionally, integrating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If non-academic subjects are removed, students may…"), could further diversify the grammatical range.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few noticeable errors. For example, the phrase "every jobs should be looked at respectfully" contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be "every job." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, particularly before conjunctions like "and" and "but." The sentence "therefore, students can focus on academic ones" incorrectly uses "therefore" as a conjunction; it should be "so that students can focus on academic ones."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms are correctly matched. Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound sentences, will also be beneficial. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing or punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before final submission. Additionally, reviewing grammar resources or exercises focused on common errors can reinforce understanding and application of correct grammar rules.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people believe that practical subjects, such as physical education, should be discontinued from the school syllabus; therefore, students can focus on academic subjects. This essay disagrees with the opinion above because every student possesses the abilities and skillset to develop further, and academic study is not the only path to success in today’s society.
Every subject has its advantages, so they should be treated equally and should not be underestimated. There are misconceptions that some occupations are more highly regarded than others. Historically, people wanted their children to excel in theoretical subjects, such as Mathematics and Chemistry, so that they could grow up to be doctors and scientists, which were jobs considered high-value and could generate significant income. However, every job should be looked at respectfully, whether it involves intellectual or physical tasks, because they all contribute to the greater society in which we live. Therefore, all subjects should be taught in school, regardless of their nature.
Moreover, every child grows up with their own skills and interests; hence, removing certain subjects from the school syllabus could limit their potential. Each subject serves a purpose, which is to serve students’ interests. For instance, some students might excel with numbers and data, so they would prefer Mathematics as their major, while others may want to be a chef or a musician. Thus, eliminating certain subjects from the school programs may pose challenges for students who wish to pursue a career based on those subjects.
In conclusion, non-academic subjects should not be discontinued from school programs for students to focus solely on academic study. This is because every subject is valuable, and students can have wider options regarding their career choices in life.
