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Throughout history, male leaders have led us into violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Throughout history, male leaders have led us into violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Opinions are divided as to whether bolstering a male-oriented leadership or allowing females to take up on leading responsibility is preferable. While I accept that a civilization which is governed by women has some discernible merits, I would argue that an equality-centered society by far bears more favorable aspects, and it should, therefore, be taken into great consideration elaborately.
On the one hand, I agree with the point of view that individuals reap multitude advantages when living in a feminism-based system. As can be witnessed from the past when male is intensively treasured, continual violent and confrontational escalation between nations have posed deleterious threats to the environment and wreaked havoc on the survival of all living creatures. It is apparent that the destructive power of nuclear weapons not only triggers contamination and loss of diversification but also puts innocent people’s lives in jeopardy. Provided that a feminism-driven empire is regarded as the mainstream, national riots will be sorted out by bargaining or negotiation instead of igniting the fire of war as male leaders had done before. Apart from that, the massive influence of ladies on the internet and social platforms is highly appreciated by online citizens, especially in reference to inspiring topics and life motivations. By the courtesy of outstanding appearance and soothing voice, many women have stimulated public endeavor by taking themselves as a surviving example or sharing daily stories on recreational applications. As a consequence, the number of people suffering from mental issues are purported to be eradicated thanks to the contribution of female influencers, ceding the throne to a civilized and trouble-free society.
On the other hand, I still hold the fervent belief that a discrimination-free civilization brings more benefits, and should be bolstered. The key justification for my argument is that many social riots including resentment, hostility and conflicts are prone to be ruled out when individuals irrespective of gender differences are entitled to rights as well as opportunities to prove their ability and ambition. On the edge of turning into utopia-centered society, governments are supposed to divert part of their coffers to create more job opportunities in order not to missout talents to develop the nations. As a matter of fact, there will certainly be no longer elitism, dichotomy, polarization and pecking order, equality of opportunities is prioritized and ready for global cooperation. What is more, the government expenditures utilized in social issues, particularly coping with imbalanced sex ratio and raising public awareness will apparently decrease and save up for other purposes. For instance, spendings in coping with dystopia-related problems is capable of contributing to the government coffers with an endless effort to improve social welfare and meet the demands of citizens. Subsequently, financial burdens from the government’s budget is assertedly removed, paying heed to lucrative paychecks, better management and supervision.
In conclusion, notwithstanding many people opine that arranging women in leading positions is truly beneficial, I’m strongly convinced that a gender-discrimination-free society has greater advantages, and should be put under scrutiny.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Opinions are divided as to whether bolstering a male-oriented leadership or allowing females to take up on leading responsibility" -> "Opinions are divided regarding the merits of male-oriented leadership versus female leadership"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language.

  2. "a civilization which is governed by women" -> "a society governed by women"
    Explanation: "Civilization" is too broad and less specific for the context; "society" is more precise and commonly used in academic discussions about governance.

  3. "an equality-centered society by far bears more favorable aspects" -> "an equality-centered society undoubtedly offers more favorable aspects"
    Explanation: "By far" is informal and vague; "undoubtedly" is more assertive and academically appropriate.

  4. "taken into great consideration elaborately" -> "carefully considered"
    Explanation: "Taken into great consideration elaborately" is redundant and awkward. "Carefully considered" is concise and maintains formal tone.

  5. "individuals reap multitude advantages" -> "individuals reap numerous advantages"
    Explanation: "Multitude" is less commonly used and can be confusing; "numerous" is straightforward and appropriate for formal writing.

  6. "feminism-based system" -> "feminist system"
    Explanation: "Feminism-based system" is awkward and redundant; "feminist system" is more direct and commonly used in academic contexts.

  7. "male is intensively treasured" -> "men were highly valued"
    Explanation: "Male is intensively treasured" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Men were highly valued" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

  8. "national riots will be sorted out by bargaining or negotiation" -> "national conflicts will be resolved through diplomacy or negotiation"
    Explanation: "Riots" is too informal and imprecise; "conflicts" is more appropriate and formal. "Sorted out" is also informal; "resolved" is more academic.

  9. "the massive influence of ladies on the internet and social platforms" -> "the significant influence of women on the internet and social media"
    Explanation: "Ladies" is informal and less precise; "women" is more appropriate and inclusive. "Social platforms" is vague; "social media" is specific and commonly used in academic discussions.

  10. "outstanding appearance and soothing voice" -> "outstanding appearance and soothing voices"
    Explanation: "Voice" should be plural to match the plural subject "women."

  11. "the number of people suffering from mental issues are purported to be eradicated" -> "the number of people suffering from mental health issues is likely to decrease significantly"
    Explanation: "Purported to be eradicated" is overly dramatic and incorrect; "is likely to decrease significantly" is more accurate and formal.

  12. "ceding the throne to a civilized and trouble-free society" -> "enabling a more civilized and peaceful society"
    Explanation: "Ceding the throne" is metaphorical and informal; "enabling" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing.

  13. "many social riots including resentment, hostility and conflicts" -> "various social issues including resentment, hostility, and conflicts"
    Explanation: "Riots" is too specific and informal; "issues" is more general and appropriate for academic writing.

  14. "missout talents" -> "miss out on talents"
    Explanation: "Missout" is a typographical error; "miss out on" is the correct phrase.

  15. "utopia-centered society" -> "utopian society"
    Explanation: "Utopia-centered society" is awkward and redundant; "utopian society" is the correct term.

  16. "spendings in coping with dystopia-related problems" -> "expenditures on addressing dystopian issues"
    Explanation: "Spendings" is incorrect; "expenditures" is the correct term. "Coping with" is informal; "addressing" is more formal and precise.

  17. "assertly removed" -> "clearly reduced"
    Explanation: "Assertly" is not a word; "clearly" is the correct adverb to use in this context, indicating clarity in the reduction of financial burdens.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the potential benefits of female leadership and the importance of a gender-equal society. The writer acknowledges the merits of a female-led society but ultimately argues for a discrimination-free society as the superior option. However, the response could be more directly aligned with the prompt’s focus on whether female leaders would lead to a more peaceful society. The discussion of female leadership is somewhat overshadowed by the emphasis on equality, which may not fully satisfy the prompt’s requirements.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly link the discussion of female leadership to the concept of peace. This could involve providing specific examples or evidence of how female leaders have historically contributed to peace or conflict resolution, thereby directly addressing the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that a gender-discrimination-free society is preferable. However, the transition between acknowledging the benefits of female leadership and advocating for equality could be smoother. The initial acceptance of female leadership merits might create confusion about the writer’s ultimate stance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could use transitional phrases that reinforce their main argument. For instance, after discussing the benefits of female leadership, the writer could explicitly state, "Despite these advantages, I believe that true progress lies in fostering equality for all genders."
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the potential for female leaders to foster peace and the benefits of a gender-equal society. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the claim that female influencers help reduce mental health issues lacks specific evidence or examples that would strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more specific examples and evidence to support their claims. For instance, citing studies or historical examples of female leaders who have successfully negotiated peace or improved societal welfare would add depth and credibility to the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing leadership and societal structure. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing the role of female influencers on social media. While relevant to female leadership, this point could be seen as tangential to the main argument regarding governance and peace.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central theme of leadership and its impact on peace. It may be beneficial to limit discussions of social media influence unless directly tied to the governance aspect of the prompt.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score by more effectively answering the prompt and presenting a cohesive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of female leadership, while the second counters this by advocating for a gender-equal society. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the merits of female leadership and the argument for a discrimination-free society feels abrupt. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps signal shifts in perspective, but the connections between ideas could be more explicitly articulated.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of female leadership, you could add a sentence that links this to the idea of equality, such as "While female leadership presents significant advantages, it is essential to recognize that true progress lies in a society where all genders are treated equally."
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, some paragraphs are quite dense, particularly the first one, which contains multiple complex ideas that could be broken down further for clarity.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the historical context of male leadership and its consequences, and another discussing the potential benefits of female leadership. This would allow for more focused arguments and clearer presentation of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as "On the one hand," "Apart from that," and "What is more," which help to guide the reader through the arguments. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "As a consequence" is used, but the relationship between the previous and following sentences could be made clearer.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used clearly reflects the relationship between the ideas being connected. For example, instead of just stating "As a consequence," you could elaborate on how the previous point directly leads to the outcome mentioned.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "bolstering," "feminism-based system," "discrimination-free civilization," and "dichotomy." These choices reflect an ability to discuss complex ideas. However, some phrases are awkward or slightly repetitive, such as "leading responsibility" and "feminism-driven empire," which could be expressed more naturally.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms or varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "feminism," you could use "gender equality" or "female leadership." Additionally, ensure that phrases are idiomatic and flow well within the context.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes sophisticated vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For instance, "bolstering a male-oriented leadership" could be misleading; it might imply support rather than critique. The phrase "the destructive power of nuclear weapons not only triggers contamination and loss of diversification" is also vague, as "loss of diversification" is not a commonly used term in this context.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity by choosing words that accurately convey your intended meaning. For example, instead of "loss of diversification," consider "loss of biodiversity." Additionally, ensure that phrases like "bolstering a male-oriented leadership" are rephrased to reflect a critical stance, such as "supporting male-dominated leadership."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors such as "missout" (should be "miss out") and "spendings" (should be "spending"). These errors, while not frequent, can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay multiple times or using digital tools that check for spelling errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and practice writing them in context to reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource due to its range and sophistication, there are areas for improvement in precision, idiomatic expression, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "While I accept that a civilization which is governed by women has some discernible merits, I would argue that an equality-centered society by far bears more favorable aspects" effectively convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "bolstering a male-oriented leadership" and "allowing females to take up on leading responsibility," which could be expressed more clearly. The use of conditional structures, like "Provided that a feminism-driven empire is regarded as the mainstream," adds depth but could be better integrated.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of consistently starting with the subject, try beginning with adverbial clauses or phrases for variety. Additionally, ensure clarity by avoiding overly complex phrases that may confuse the reader.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors. For instance, "the number of people suffering from mental issues are purported to be eradicated" should use "is" instead of "are" to agree with the singular subject "number." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences (e.g., "On the edge of turning into utopia-centered society"), can disrupt the flow and clarity of the writing. The phrase "missout talents" should be corrected to "miss out on talents."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms are used correctly. Regular practice with punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help improve clarity. Consider reading the essay aloud to identify awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies, as this can often reveal errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Opinions are divided regarding the merits of male-oriented leadership versus female leadership. While I acknowledge that a society governed by women has some discernible merits, I would argue that an equality-centered society undoubtedly offers more favorable aspects and should, therefore, be carefully considered.

On the one hand, I agree with the viewpoint that individuals reap numerous advantages when living in a feminist system. Historically, when men were highly valued, there was a continual escalation of violence and conflict between nations, posing deleterious threats to the environment and wreaking havoc on the survival of all living creatures. The destructive power of nuclear weapons not only triggers contamination and loss of biodiversity but also jeopardizes innocent lives. If a feminist-driven society were to become the norm, national conflicts would likely be resolved through diplomacy or negotiation rather than igniting the fires of war, as male leaders have often done in the past. Additionally, the significant influence of women on the internet and social media is highly appreciated by online communities, particularly in terms of inspiring topics and life motivations. Thanks to their outstanding appearance and soothing voices, many women have motivated public engagement by sharing their experiences or daily stories on various platforms. As a consequence, the number of people suffering from mental health issues is likely to decrease significantly, enabling a more civilized and peaceful society.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that an equality-centered civilization brings more benefits and should be promoted. The key justification for my argument is that various social issues, including resentment, hostility, and conflicts, are likely to diminish when individuals, irrespective of gender, are granted equal rights and opportunities to demonstrate their abilities and ambitions. In the pursuit of a utopian society, governments should allocate part of their resources to create more job opportunities, ensuring that they do not miss out on talents that can contribute to national development. In fact, the elimination of elitism, polarization, and social hierarchies can be achieved when equality of opportunity is prioritized, paving the way for global cooperation. Furthermore, government expenditures aimed at addressing social issues, particularly those related to imbalanced gender ratios and raising public awareness, will clearly be reduced, allowing funds to be redirected for other purposes. For instance, expenditures on addressing dystopian issues could contribute to government coffers, ultimately enhancing social welfare and meeting citizens’ demands. Consequently, financial burdens on the government’s budget would be significantly alleviated, leading to improved management and oversight.

In conclusion, while many people argue that having women in leadership positions is beneficial, I am strongly convinced that a gender-discrimination-free society has greater advantages and should be put under scrutiny.

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