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Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society but they haven’t agreed on what the ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? What can people do to achieve an ideal society?

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society but they haven’t agreed on what the ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? What can people do to achieve an ideal society?

An ideal society is an ambition of many individuals to conquer, however, they do not come to a general consensus on how their dream life would like to be. Personally, I firmly believe that societal harmony is the key issue to possessing a better living in several ways. The essay will clarify my viewpoint and how to achieve an ideal society.
Harmony in society is an integral factor contributing to obtaining a perfect society where crime and disparity between the wealthy and the poor do not exist. First and foremost, raising awareness among residents about living for public benefits through daily actions. Small practices, including littering, could have an enormous impact on the landscape of the city which could lead to poor imagery of the country in the eyes of visitors. Furthermore, in today's modern society, aiding the needy, particularly the disabled and homeless children, is crucial to bridge the gap in the social hierarchy. This could easily seen in the charity clubs, organized aiming at promoting a better community, encompassing meaningful events like teaching the minor people and providing scholars. To reach that goal, people have to live with empathy and compassion which are the moral compass to steer the right direction to shape a prominent future by education. In this context, parents and schools play their part in instilling the younger generation to treat others with kindness. Not only do kindness is an act, but also the language connecting the disabled, particularly the deaf and the blind. Additionally, government authorities should be accountable for imposing stringent sanctions restricting crime. A case in point is the fine and imprisonment of those who commit vandalism. This can enhance safety and avoid abuses which are the elements contributing to a dream life where social anxiety does not appear.
In conclusion, the ideal society necessitates collective efforts from families, educational institutions, and governments to happen.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "An ideal society is an ambition of many individuals to conquer, however, they do not come to a general consensus on how their dream life would like to be." -> "Many individuals aspire to achieve an ideal society; however, they do not reach a general consensus on the envisioned way of life."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by replacing "ambition" with "aspire," and the restructuring enhances clarity and formal language.

  2. "Personally, I firmly believe that societal harmony is the key issue to possessing a better living in several ways." -> "Personally, I firmly believe that achieving societal harmony is paramount for an improved quality of life in various aspects."
    Explanation: The suggested changes use more precise language, replacing "key issue" with "paramount," and provide a clearer expression of the idea.

  3. "The essay will clarify my viewpoint and how to achieve an ideal society." -> "This essay will elucidate my perspective on achieving an ideal society."
    Explanation: The revision streamlines the sentence for clarity and replaces "clarify" with "elucidate" for a more formal tone.

  4. "Harmony in society is an integral factor contributing to obtaining a perfect society where crime and disparity between the wealthy and the poor do not exist." -> "Social harmony is a crucial factor contributing to the realization of an ideal society devoid of crime and economic disparity."
    Explanation: The changes enhance clarity and formality, replacing "integral factor" with "crucial factor" and rephrasing to improve flow.

  5. "First and foremost, raising awareness among residents about living for public benefits through daily actions." -> "Primarily, fostering awareness among residents about contributing to the public good through daily actions."
    Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more formal expression, replacing "raising awareness" with "fostering awareness" and providing a clearer description.

  6. "Small practices, including littering, could have an enormous impact on the landscape of the city which could lead to poor imagery of the country in the eyes of visitors." -> "Minor actions, such as littering, can significantly impact the cityscape, potentially creating a negative impression of the country in the eyes of visitors."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality and clarity by replacing "enormous impact" with "significantly impact" and restructuring the sentence for better flow.

  7. "Furthermore, in today’s modern society, aiding the needy, particularly the disabled and homeless children, is crucial to bridge the gap in the social hierarchy." -> "Moreover, in contemporary society, assisting the vulnerable, especially individuals with disabilities and homeless children, is essential to narrow the gaps in the social hierarchy."
    Explanation: The changes enhance formality and precision, replacing "crucial" with "essential" and providing more specific terms for clarity.

  8. "This could easily seen in the charity clubs, organized aiming at promoting a better community, encompassing meaningful events like teaching the minor people and providing scholars." -> "This is evident in charity clubs organized with the aim of fostering a better community, including meaningful events such as educating the youth and providing scholarships."
    Explanation: The revision improves clarity and formality, rephrasing for better structure and replacing "minor people" with "the youth" for precision.

  9. "To reach that goal, people have to live with empathy and compassion which are the moral compass to steer the right direction to shape a prominent future by education." -> "To achieve this objective, individuals must embody empathy and compassion, serving as the moral compass to navigate towards a brighter future through education."
    Explanation: The changes enhance formality and precision, replacing "live with" with "embody," and restructuring for improved flow.

  10. "Not only do kindness is an act, but also the language connecting the disabled, particularly the deaf and the blind." -> "Kindness is not just an act; it is also the language that connects with the disabled, especially the deaf and the blind."
    Explanation: The revision corrects the grammatical error, replacing "do kindness is" with "kindness is not just" for clarity and formality.

  11. "Additionally, government authorities should be accountable for imposing stringent sanctions restricting crime." -> "Furthermore, government authorities should be responsible for implementing rigorous sanctions to curb criminal activities."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, replacing "accountable for" with "responsible for," and provide a clearer expression of the idea.

  12. "A case in point is the fine and imprisonment of those who commit vandalism." -> "An illustrative example is the imposition of fines and imprisonment for individuals engaging in vandalism."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality by rephrasing and using more specific terms for clarity.

  13. "This can enhance safety and avoid abuses which are the elements contributing to a dream life where social anxiety does not appear." -> "This measure can enhance safety and prevent abuses, factors contributing to an ideal life free from social anxiety."
    Explanation: The changes enhance formality and clarity, replacing "avoid abuses" with "prevent abuses" and restructuring for improved flow.

  14. "In conclusion, the ideal society necessitates collective efforts from families, educational institutions, and governments to happen." -> "In conclusion, the realization of an ideal society requires collective efforts from families, educational institutions, and governments."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality, replacing "necessitates" with "requires," and provides a clearer expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both components of the prompt. It discusses the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world (societal harmony) and outlines how people can achieve an ideal society through collective efforts from families, educational institutions, and governments.

    • How to improve: While the essay covers the essential elements, providing more specific examples or illustrations could enhance the depth of the discussion. For instance, elaborating on the potential challenges or counterarguments and addressing them would strengthen the response.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that societal harmony is the key element for a perfect society. The position is evident throughout the essay, with consistent support for this viewpoint.

    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity, consider explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This reinforces the essay’s overall coherence and makes the central argument more memorable for the reader.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and develops ideas effectively. It provides examples, such as the impact of small actions on the city’s landscape and the role of charity clubs in promoting a better community. The use of specific instances strengthens the overall argument.

    • How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider providing additional details or explanations for the examples provided. This can help in creating a more vivid and persuasive picture for the reader.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on societal harmony and its components. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing government authorities’ role in imposing sanctions on crime. While related, it could be more directly tied back to the theme of societal harmony.

    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger connection to the main theme, ensure that every point made directly relates to how it contributes to or hinders societal harmony. In this case, explicitly link the discussion of government sanctions to the broader goal of achieving an ideal society through harmony.


Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively conveys a coherent argument. To enhance the response, the writer should consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and conclusion, extending ideas with additional details, and ensuring that all points directly contribute to the central theme of societal harmony.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically by introducing the topic in the introduction, presenting arguments in the body paragraphs, and providing a conclusion. However, there are instances where the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing societal harmony to the role of empathy and compassion could be more clearly connected.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a seamless transition between ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the progression of your argument. In this essay, explicitly connect the importance of societal harmony to the role of empathy and compassion, creating a more cohesive flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more refined. The second paragraph, for instance, combines ideas about raising awareness and aiding the needy without a clear separation. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to a clearer and more organized structure.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to paragraph structure. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. In the second paragraph, consider dividing it into two distinct paragraphs—one discussing raising awareness and the other focusing on aiding the needy. This will improve the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost" and "furthermore," but there is room for improvement. The connection between ideas within and between paragraphs could be strengthened. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more diverse range of cohesive devices to create a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used. Instead of relying solely on transitional phrases, consider using pronouns, synonyms, and parallel structures to enhance coherence. Also, ensure that the relationship between sentences is clear to guide the reader through the essay more effectively.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization and the use of paragraphs, refining the transitions between ideas and improving paragraph structure will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay. Additionally, diversifying the use of cohesive devices will enhance the overall flow of the essay, leading to an even stronger presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "harmony," "disparity," "compassion," and "sanctions." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of vocabulary further. For instance, some phrases and expressions are repeated, like "ideal society," and there is a tendency to rely on general terms like "better living" without delving into more nuanced vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for commonly used phrases. For instance, instead of frequently using "ideal society," experiment with phrases like "utopian community" or "optimal societal structure." Also, be attentive to avoiding repetition and aim to introduce more specialized vocabulary related to the specific aspects of societal improvement discussed in the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the meaning may be slightly unclear or where a more precise term could be used. For example, in the phrase "dream life," it might be beneficial to specify what aspects constitute this dream life for greater clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive to provide more explicit details when using broad terms. In this case, define what constitutes the "dream life" by specifying particular elements such as economic prosperity, social equality, or environmental sustainability. Additionally, be cautious of using ambiguous terms and ensure that each word contributes to a clear and concise expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor errors, such as missing spaces after punctuation marks and typographical errors like "ambition" instead of "ambitious," can be observed.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to minor details like spacing after punctuation and carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools during the revision process to identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of meticulous proofreading will contribute to consistently accurate spelling throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence. For instance, the essay includes complex sentences like "Harmony in society is an integral factor contributing to obtaining a perfect society where crime and disparity between the wealthy and the poor do not exist." However, the variety could be further enriched by incorporating compound-complex sentences for a more sophisticated structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by combining related ideas using coordinating and subordinating conjunctions. For example, you can merge two sentences to create a compound-complex structure: "Raising awareness among residents about living for public benefits through daily actions is crucial, and this, coupled with efforts to aid the needy, could significantly impact the societal landscape."
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar usage. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and pronoun-antecedent agreement could be improved. For instance, in the sentence "Not only do kindness is an act, but also the language connecting the disabled," the correct form is "Not only is kindness an act, but it is also the language connecting the disabled."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and pronoun-antecedent agreement. In the example provided, revise the sentence to ensure proper agreement: "Not only is kindness an act, but it is also the language connecting the disabled, particularly the deaf and the blind."
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally accurate, but there are instances of comma splices and missing commas in compound sentences. For example, "Furthermore, in today’s modern society, aiding the needy, particularly the disabled and homeless children, is crucial to bridge the gap in the social hierarchy." Consider revising as "Furthermore, in today’s modern society, aiding the needy, particularly the disabled and homeless children, is crucial to bridge the gap in the social hierarchy."
    • How to improve: Pay attention to comma usage in compound sentences. Ensure that commas are appropriately placed to separate independent clauses or items in a series. Additionally, review the use of commas in introductory phrases to enhance overall punctuation accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The aspiration for an ideal society is common among many individuals, yet there is often a lack of consensus on the envisioned way of life. Personally, I am steadfast in my belief that achieving societal harmony is crucial for an improved quality of life in various aspects. This essay will elucidate my perspective on achieving an ideal society.

Social harmony stands out as a pivotal factor contributing to the realization of an ideal society, one free from crime and economic disparity. Firstly, it involves fostering awareness among residents about contributing to the public good through daily actions. Even seemingly minor actions, such as littering, can significantly impact the cityscape, potentially creating a negative impression of the country in the eyes of visitors.

Moreover, in contemporary society, it is essential to assist the vulnerable, especially individuals with disabilities and homeless children, in order to narrow the gaps in the social hierarchy. This is evident in charity clubs organized with the aim of fostering a better community, including meaningful events such as educating the youth and providing scholarships.

To achieve this objective, individuals must embody empathy and compassion, serving as the moral compass to navigate towards a brighter future through education. Kindness is not just an act; it is also the language that connects with the disabled, especially the deaf and the blind.

Furthermore, government authorities should be responsible for implementing rigorous sanctions to curb criminal activities. An illustrative example is the imposition of fines and imprisonment for individuals engaging in vandalism. This measure can enhance safety and prevent abuses, factors contributing to an ideal life free from social anxiety.

In conclusion, the realization of an ideal society requires collective efforts from families, educational institutions, and governments. It is through these combined efforts that we can strive towards a harmonious society, devoid of crime and economic disparities, where individuals live with empathy and compassion, ensuring a brighter and more equitable future for all.

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