time schoolchildren (10-11 years old) spend on different home activities

The line graph compares figures for time schoolchildren at age of 10 and 11 years old allocate on two home activities using different forms of hours per week over a period 24 years, starting from 2000 to present.
As shown, TV is by far the most popular home activities for children throughout the period shown. Also, while the number of schoolchildren who use computers increases gradually, the number of TV users falls steadily.
From 2000 to 2004, children played TV as an important activity when they were at home with around 21 hours per week. However, this amount of time had reduced substantially by 2003 at 15 hours per week, while the numbers of people who use the computer increased gradually. Furthermore, the amount of time people spent using TV and computers intersected at a point of 15 hours per week in 2004.
From 2004 to present, around 15 hours per week are spent on a daily basis by children, and having significantly a surge to the highest point at 22 hours per week. In the period of the year 2004 to the time period shortly after 2006, the amount of time using TV which is used by schoolchildren to serve various purposes fluctuated from 14 to 16 hours per week. However, there was a maintained stability of approximately 14 hours per week in the amount of time spent watching TV.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"time schoolchildren at age of 10 and 11 years old allocate on two home activities" -> "time spent by 10- and 11-year-old schoolchildren on two home activities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The revised version clarifies the subject and verb agreement, making the sentence more direct and formal.
"using different forms of hours per week" -> "in different forms of hours per week"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the preposition to "in" which is the appropriate choice for describing the manner in which time is allocated.
"over a period 24 years" -> "over a 24-year period"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the prepositional phrase to "over a 24-year period," which is grammatically correct and more precise.
"is by far the most popular home activities" -> "is by far the most popular home activity"
Explanation: The original phrase incorrectly uses the plural form "activities" when referring to a single activity. The singular form "activity" is correct and maintains grammatical consistency.
"the number of schoolchildren who use computers increases gradually" -> "the number of schoolchildren using computers increases gradually"
Explanation: The original phrase is passive and awkward. The revised version uses the present participle "using" to maintain the active voice, enhancing clarity and formality.
"the numbers of people who use the computer" -> "the number of children using computers"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and incorrect. The revised version corrects the plural form to singular and specifies "children" for clarity and consistency.
"having significantly a surge to the highest point" -> "experiencing a significant surge to the highest point"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.
"the amount of time using TV" -> "the time spent watching TV"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the preposition and verb form to "time spent watching TV," which is grammatically correct and more formal.
"which is used by schoolchildren to serve various purposes" -> "used by schoolchildren for various purposes"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and verbose. The revised version simplifies and clarifies the sentence, improving readability and formality.
"there was a maintained stability" -> "there was a consistent stability"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version uses "consistent" which is more precise and appropriate in an academic context, indicating a steady or regular occurrence.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the number of schoolchildren who use computers increases gradually" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "the number of schoolchildren who use computers increased from 3 hours per week in 2000 to 15 hours per week in 2004." The essay could also be improved by using more accurate language. For example, the essay states that "the amount of time people spent using TV and computers intersected at a point of 15 hours per week in 2004." This is not accurate, as the lines intersect at a point of 15 hours per week in 2003.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information regarding the time schoolchildren spend on home activities, but it lacks overall coherence and logical progression. While it attempts to organize the information chronologically, the transitions between ideas are often unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some phrases being repetitive or inaccurately used. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, making it difficult for the reader to follow the main points effectively.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically, ensuring a clear progression from one point to the next. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically flows into the next will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main ideas, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the most popular home activities" (should be "activity") and "having significantly a surge" (should be "having a significant surge"). Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation, such as "the amount of time had reduced substantially by 2003 at 15 hours per week," which is awkwardly phrased. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and expressions. Incorporating synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors is essential. The use of more precise and contextually appropriate vocabulary will also improve clarity and sophistication in writing. Engaging with more complex ideas and vocabulary related to the topic can further elevate the essay’s quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at more complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the number of schoolchildren who use computers increases gradually" should be "increased gradually" to maintain tense consistency. Additionally, the phrase "having significantly a surge" is awkwardly constructed and unclear. Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a greater variety of complex and compound sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Improve Accuracy: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and tense consistency throughout the essay. Proofreading for common grammatical errors can help enhance accuracy.
Clarify Phrasing: Work on phrasing to ensure clarity and coherence. Avoid awkward constructions and ensure that each sentence flows logically into the next.
Practice Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to reduce errors, particularly in longer sentences, which can help improve overall readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph compares the time that schoolchildren aged 10 and 11 allocate to two home activities, measured in hours per week, over a period of 24 years, starting from 2000 to the present.

As shown, watching TV is by far the most popular home activity for children throughout the period depicted. While the number of schoolchildren using computers increases gradually, the number of TV users declines steadily.

From 2000 to 2004, children spent around 21 hours per week watching TV, making it an important activity when they were at home. However, this amount of time reduced substantially by 2003 to 15 hours per week, while the number of people using computers increased gradually. Furthermore, the amount of time spent on TV and computers intersected at a point of 15 hours per week in 2004.

From 2004 to the present, children have spent around 15 hours per week on average, with a significant surge to the highest point of 22 hours per week. During the period from 2004 to shortly after 2006, the amount of time spent watching TV fluctuated between 14 and 16 hours per week. However, there was a maintained stability of approximately 14 hours per week in the time spent watching TV.