Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

Today more people are overweight than ever before.
What in your opinion are the primary causes of this?
What are the main effects of this epidemic?

Nowadays, an increasing number of people suffer from obesity compared to the past. In my opinion, there are several reasons why this phenomenon happens. In this essay, I also discuss some negative effects of this trend on each individual’s health and productivity.
Having the two main causes leads to the overweight trend. Firstly, temporary people tend to have sedentary lifestyles, so their weights gradually increase. For example, citizens frequently rely on cars or motorbikes instead of walking in movement processes. Therefore, they could not burn calories completely which causes the redundancy of energy and fat. Besides, people are interested in choosing office jobs today. As a result, they have to cope with huge workloads and do not spend more time on taking regular exercise. Secondly, eating unhealthy food is also a factor making people overweight. People seem to enjoy junk food and high-calorie beverages that overprovides unnecessary energy to human bodies.
Many communities really care about this issue because of its harmful influences. First of all, productivities of every high-weight people decrease. They feel tired and stressed more easily than normal people due to excess fat that hinders movements. Consequently, this lessens their work capacity and results in lower productivity. Moreover, if this positive eating habit continues to occur, it will not only increase people’s weight more than average level, but also affect detrimentally people’s well-being and lead to some risky health harzards such as blood fat, diabetes, and stroke.
In conclusion, the main roots of a popular issue today-obesity are people’s unhealthy eating habits and inactive lifestyles. This phenomenon affects negatively personal productivity and health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

2. "suffer from obesity" -> "experience obesity"
   Explanation: "Experience" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term than "suffer from," which can imply a negative emotional connotation.

3. "compared to the past" -> "compared to historical trends"
   Explanation: "Historical trends" provides a more specific and formal context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

4. "Having the two main causes leads to the overweight trend." -> "The two primary causes contribute to the trend of overweight."
   Explanation: "Contribute to" is more precise and formal than "leads to," and "the trend of overweight" is grammatically correct and clearer.

5. "temporary people" -> "individuals with sedentary lifestyles"
   Explanation: "Individuals with sedentary lifestyles" is a more accurate and formal description than the vague and incorrect "temporary people."

6. "frequently rely on cars or motorbikes" -> "increasingly rely on cars or motorbikes"
   Explanation: "Increasingly" is more precise and formal than "frequently," which is somewhat informal and imprecise in this context.

7. "could not burn calories completely" -> "fail to burn calories completely"
   Explanation: "Fail to" is a more formal and precise expression than "could not," which is somewhat colloquial.

8. "redundancy of energy and fat" -> "excess energy and fat"
   Explanation: "Excess" is a more precise and formal term than "redundancy," which is not typically used in this context.

9. "people are interested in choosing office jobs" -> "individuals often opt for office jobs"
   Explanation: "Opt for" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "are interested in choosing," which is redundant.

10. "huge workloads" -> "substantial workloads"
    Explanation: "Substantial" is a more formal and academically appropriate adjective than "huge," which can be seen as informal.

11. "do not spend more time on taking regular exercise" -> "fail to allocate sufficient time for regular exercise"
    Explanation: "Fail to allocate sufficient time" is a more formal and precise way to express the lack of time for exercise.

12. "Many communities really care about this issue" -> "Many communities are concerned about this issue"
    Explanation: "Are concerned about" is a more formal and appropriate expression than "really care about," which is colloquial.

13. "productivities of every high-weight people" -> "productivity of individuals with high weights"
    Explanation: "Productivity of individuals with high weights" is grammatically correct and more formal than "productivities of every high-weight people."

14. "lessens their work capacity" -> "reduces their work capacity"
    Explanation: "Reduces" is a more precise and formal term than "lessens," which is somewhat vague and informal.

15. "affect detrimentally people’s well-being" -> "adversely affect individuals’ well-being"
    Explanation: "Adversely affect" is a more formal and precise phrase than "affect detrimentally," and "individuals’" is grammatically correct.

16. "blood fat" -> "high blood pressure"
    Explanation: "High blood pressure" is a medically accurate term, replacing the incorrect and vague "blood fat."

17. "harzards" -> "health hazards"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error and provides the correct term for health risks.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying causes (sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy eating habits) and effects (decreased productivity and health risks) of obesity. However, while the causes are clearly stated, the effects could be elaborated further. For instance, the mention of "lower productivity" is somewhat vague and could benefit from specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, consider expanding on the effects of obesity. Include specific examples of how decreased productivity manifests in various sectors (e.g., workplace absenteeism, healthcare costs) and discuss broader societal implications.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position on the causes and effects of obesity, stating that both sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy eating habits contribute to the issue. However, the transition between the causes and effects could be smoother, as the connection between them is not strongly emphasized.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, use transitional phrases to link causes and effects more explicitly. For example, after discussing a cause, you could introduce the effects with a phrase like, "As a result of these causes, we see significant impacts on…"

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented are relevant and generally well-structured, but they lack depth. The essay mentions sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy eating as causes, but does not delve into why these trends are increasing or how they are interrelated. Additionally, the support for the effects of obesity is limited and could be more persuasive.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, consider incorporating more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, when discussing sedentary lifestyles, you could mention the role of technology and how it has contributed to decreased physical activity. Similarly, provide more detailed statistics or studies that illustrate the health risks associated with obesity.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and effects of obesity. However, there are moments where the language becomes slightly unclear, such as "temporary people," which may confuse readers and detracts from the overall focus.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, ensure that all terminology is clear and precise. Avoid vague phrases and ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the discussion of obesity. Proofreading for clarity and coherence will help in staying on topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the depth of analysis, improving transitions, and ensuring clarity will help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and effects, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing causes to effects is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "Many communities really care about this issue because of its harmful influences" introduces the effects but lacks a smooth transition from the previous paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in focus. For instance, after discussing the causes, you might say, "These causes lead to significant consequences, which can be observed in various aspects of life." This would create a more seamless connection between the sections.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. However, the paragraph discussing the causes could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on sedentary lifestyles and the other on unhealthy eating habits. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each cause.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. For example, start a new paragraph when introducing a new cause or effect. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily and enhance the overall clarity of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Moreover," which help in structuring the points. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some connections between sentences feel weak. For instance, the phrase "As a result" could be more effectively linked to the previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases such as "In addition," "Consequently," and "Furthermore." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain coherence. For example, instead of repeating "people," you could use "individuals" or "they" to avoid redundancy and improve flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of obesity, such as "sedentary lifestyles," "junk food," and "health hazards." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "overweight trend" could have been expressed with more variety, such as "rising obesity rates" or "increasing prevalence of obesity." Additionally, terms like "temporary people" are unclear and do not effectively convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "people" frequently, alternatives like "individuals," "citizens," or "the population" could be utilized. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "redundancy of energy and fat," which is unclear and does not accurately describe the concept of excess energy leading to weight gain. Additionally, "positive eating habit" is misleading in the context, as it contradicts the discussion about unhealthy eating.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, replacing "redundancy of energy" with "excess energy" or "caloric surplus" would clarify the point. It is also beneficial to review definitions and contexts of words to ensure they are used correctly.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "harzards" (hazards) and "productivities" (productivity). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch mistakes. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be effective strategies. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can further enhance spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary related to the topic, improvements can be made in the areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively working on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "Firstly, temporary people tend to have sedentary lifestyles" and "As a result, they have to cope with huge workloads" show an attempt to use different structures. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the redundancy of energy and fat," which could be clearer. The use of transitional phrases like "First of all" and "Secondly" helps in organizing the ideas, but there is room for more sophisticated linking devices.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For example, instead of saying "People seem to enjoy junk food," you could say, "While many people enjoy junk food, it is essential to recognize its contribution to the obesity epidemic." Additionally, varying the use of transitional phrases and incorporating more advanced connectors (e.g., "Moreover," "Consequently," "In contrast") can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "temporary people" is unclear; it likely intended to convey "contemporary people." Additionally, "overprovides unnecessary energy" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "which causes the redundancy of energy and fat."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Avoid vague terms like "temporary" and ensure that each term accurately conveys your intended meaning. Regular practice with complex sentence structures can also help. For punctuation, review rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where pauses (commas) are needed for clarity. Additionally, consider peer reviews or grammar-checking tools to catch errors before finalizing the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its overall coherence and clarity, potentially raising the band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, an increasing number of people experience obesity compared to historical trends. In my opinion, there are several reasons why this phenomenon occurs. In this essay, I will also discuss some negative effects of this trend on individuals’ health and productivity.

The two primary causes contribute to the trend of overweight. Firstly, many individuals tend to have sedentary lifestyles, leading to a gradual increase in their weight. For example, citizens increasingly rely on cars or motorbikes instead of walking for transportation. As a result, they fail to burn calories completely, which causes an excess of energy and fat. Additionally, individuals often opt for office jobs today. Consequently, they face substantial workloads and fail to allocate sufficient time for regular exercise. Secondly, consuming unhealthy food is also a significant factor contributing to obesity. People seem to enjoy junk food and high-calorie beverages that provide unnecessary energy to their bodies.

Many communities are concerned about this issue because of its harmful influences. First of all, the productivity of individuals with high weights decreases. They feel tired and stressed more easily than those with normal weights due to excess fat that hinders movement. Consequently, this reduces their work capacity and results in lower productivity. Moreover, if this unhealthy eating habit continues, it will not only increase people’s weight beyond the average level but also adversely affect individuals’ well-being and lead to health hazards such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke.

In conclusion, the main roots of the prevalent issue of obesity today are unhealthy eating habits and inactive lifestyles. This phenomenon negatively impacts personal productivity and health.