Today more people put personal and private information (address, telephone and plastic card numbers) online to do their daily activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

These days, it is widely believed that several individuals put their personal data online for financial and communicating purposes. While I accept that this trend is somewhat justifiable, I am not totally convinced that this trend is positive growth.

On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why I suppose that providing private information online is a negative development. First of all, personal data may be stolen by cyber criminals. This can be explained by the fact that with advances in technology, hackers can easily access all kinds of private information that people provide on social networking sites such as Facebook, Instagram, and so forth. Therefore, users’ personal data are used for bad purposes such as blackmailing, property fraud, and online scams. Furthermore, greedy firms abuse users’ data and sell it for a profit to other organizations and industries for commercial purposes. In other words, users’ information may fall into the hands of suspicious organizations and they can become victims of manipulation by other ones.

On the other hand, it is reasonable to support the idea that putting personal data online is a positive growth. The first reason is that it has improved the shopping experience for many people. They can buy products easily through personal information on e-commerce sites like Shopee or Lazada. This means that they just need to submit information during the initial purchase, after which the buyer can skip the steps of phone number, address, and so forth; then, move to the next step of payment very quickly and conveniently. Another reason is that a database of consumers’ information may help enterprises gain insight into the market and make better decisions for them. For example, banks often analyze trends in consumer shopping behavior, thereby devising more targeted marketing schemes which can yield higher sales rates.

In conclusion, while providing private data online is a positive growth, I believe that this tendency can be a negative development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"These days" -> "Currently"
Explanation: Replacing "These days" with "Currently" provides a more formal and precise temporal reference.
"several individuals" -> "many individuals"
Explanation: "Several" may imply a smaller, more specific group, whereas "many" is more appropriate for the generalization being made here.
"put their personal data online" -> "share their personal data online"
Explanation: "Share" is more specific and accurate in the context of online data, as it implies intentional action.
"somewhat justifiable" -> "to some extent justifiable"
Explanation: "To some extent" is a more formal phrase that enhances the academic tone.
"I am not totally convinced" -> "I remain unconvinced"
Explanation: "Remain unconvinced" is a more formal expression that avoids the use of "totally," which can sound informal.
"a number of reasons why" -> "several reasons why"
Explanation: "Several" is more academically appropriate than "a number of," which is vague and informal.
"First of all" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "Firstly" is conventionally used in formal and academic writing to introduce a list of points.
"cyber criminals" -> "cybercriminals"
Explanation: "Cybercriminals" is the correct term without a space, adhering to standard terminology in academic contexts.
"greedy firms" -> "profit-driven firms"
Explanation: "Profit-driven" is more specific and less emotionally charged than "greedy," aligning better with academic tone.
"bad purposes" -> "malicious purposes"
Explanation: "Malicious" is a more precise term that enhances formality and specificity.
"positive growth" -> "positive development"
Explanation: "Development" is a more suitable term in this context, as "growth" can imply a quantitative increase, which may not be the intended meaning.
"improved the shopping experience" -> "enhanced the shopping experience"
Explanation: "Enhanced" is a more formal term than "improved," fitting the academic style better.
"they just need to" -> "they only need to"
Explanation: "Only" is more formal and precise than "just" in academic writing.
"and so forth; then," -> "subsequently,"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal and provides a clearer transition than "and so forth; then," which is conversational and somewhat disjointed.
"a database of consumers’ information" -> "a database of consumer information"
Explanation: "Consumer information" is a more standard term than "consumers’ information," avoiding the unnecessary possessive form.
"make better decisions for them" -> "make more informed decisions"
Explanation: "Make more informed decisions" is a clearer and more formal way to express the benefit to enterprises without the ambiguous "for them."
"tendency" -> "trend"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is important in academic writing. Since "trend" was used earlier to describe the phenomenon, it should be used here as well for clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the positive and negative aspects of putting personal and private information online, as required by the prompt. It discusses the potential risks associated with online data sharing, such as cybercrime and exploitation by corporations, as well as the benefits, such as convenience in shopping and market analysis by businesses.
- How to improve: While the essay touches upon both sides of the argument, it could improve by providing a more balanced and thorough analysis of each perspective. Additionally, explicitly stating the stance (whether it’s more positive or negative) would enhance clarity for the reader.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat ambiguous stance throughout. While the introduction leans towards viewing the trend as negative, the conclusion suggests a more nuanced view, stating that it can be both positive and negative.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should maintain a consistent position throughout. If the author intends to convey a nuanced perspective, it should be clearly articulated and supported with balanced arguments.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in elaboration and support. For instance, it briefly discusses the risks of data theft and exploitation by firms, as well as the benefits of improved shopping experiences and market analysis. However, these points are not thoroughly developed or supported with examples or evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, it should provide more detailed explanations and concrete examples to support each idea. Additionally, incorporating relevant statistics or studies could enhance the credibility of the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the positive and negative aspects of putting personal information online. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off topic, such as the brief mention of social networking sites like Facebook and Instagram without direct relevance to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the prompt. Avoiding tangential discussions and staying closely aligned with the main topic would strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay addresses the key elements of the prompt and presents some relevant arguments, it would benefit from clearer positioning, deeper analysis, stronger support for ideas, and tighter adherence to the topic. By incorporating these improvements, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that outlines the two opposing viewpoints, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on the positive and negative aspects of putting personal data online. The concluding paragraph offers a brief summary of the discussed points. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother, such as the transition between discussing the negative and positive aspects.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining transitions between paragraphs to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to prevent the essay from feeling disjointed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure the content. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, beginning with an introduction that presents the thesis statement, followed by body paragraphs that discuss the positive and negative implications of putting personal data online. The conclusion neatly summarizes the key points without introducing new information.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence by focusing on a single main idea. Consider providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices adequately to connect ideas and facilitate coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "while," "on the one hand," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion" help to signal shifts between different arguments and sections of the essay. Additionally, the repetition of key phrases like "personal data" and "online" contributes to cohesion.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, strive to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices beyond basic transitional phrases. Consider using pronouns, synonyms, and parallel structures to reinforce connections between ideas and improve overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to consistency in terminology usage throughout the essay to avoid confusion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary, encompassing terms such as "widely believed," "justifiable," "blackmailing," "property fraud," "abuse," "manipulation," "e-commerce," "insight," and "tendency." These terms contribute to conveying a nuanced understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms or expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of frequently using "personal data," explore alternatives like "confidential information" or "private details." Additionally, diversify the vocabulary related to positive and negative aspects to avoid repetition.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, particularly in delineating the potential risks associated with sharing personal information online, such as "cyber criminals," "blackmailing," and "online scams." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, instead of "bad purposes," using terms like "nefarious intentions" or "malicious activities" would heighten precision.
- How to improve: Continuously refine word choice to accurately convey intended meanings. Carefully consider the context in which each term is used and opt for the most fitting option. Utilize resources like a thesaurus to explore alternatives and select the most precise vocabulary for each scenario.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "ecommerce" instead of "e-commerce" and "tendency" instead of "tendencies." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, enhancing spelling consistency would elevate the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: Practice diligent proofreading to identify and rectify spelling errors before finalizing the essay. Utilize spell-checking tools available in word processing software to assist in detecting and correcting spelling inaccuracies. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling conventions and seek clarification for any uncertainties regarding specific terms.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It employs simple and compound sentences predominantly, with occasional complex structures. For instance, the use of introductory clauses ("While I accept that…") and conditional sentences ("This can be explained by the fact that…") adds variety. However, the essay could benefit from more diverse structures such as complex sentences with embedded clauses or parallelism to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with relative clauses or participial phrases. For instance, instead of solely relying on basic subject-verb-object structures, aim to integrate subordination and coordination to convey ideas more effectively. Additionally, explore the use of parallelism to create rhythm and emphasis in your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are grammatically correct, with minor errors such as subject-verb agreement ("users’ personal data are used") and preposition usage ("improved the shopping experience for many people"). Punctuation is generally used accurately, although there are occasional lapses in comma placement and sentence boundary punctuation.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency throughout the essay. Proofread carefully for errors in punctuation, particularly regarding comma splices and run-on sentences. Additionally, consider revising sentence structures to ensure clarity and coherence, especially in complex sentences where errors are more likely to occur. Reviewing grammar guides and practicing sentence construction can help refine your grammatical skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, many individuals opt to share their personal data online for various daily activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. While to some extent justifiable, I remain unconvinced about the overall positivity of this trend.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why I harbor reservations regarding the proliferation of personal data online. Firstly, there is the looming threat of cybercriminals who exploit technological advancements to gain unauthorized access to private information shared on platforms like Facebook or Instagram. Consequently, users’ data are susceptible to being misused for malicious purposes such as blackmail, fraud, and online scams. Moreover, profit-driven firms often exploit users’ data for commercial gains, selling it to other organizations without consent. This can potentially lead to users becoming victims of manipulation by unscrupulous entities.

On the other hand, it is plausible to acknowledge the positive aspects of sharing personal data online. One significant benefit is the enhanced shopping experience it offers. By inputting their information on e-commerce platforms like Shopee or Lazada, users streamline the purchasing process, eliminating the need to repeatedly enter details such as phone numbers and addresses. This convenience facilitates quicker and more efficient transactions. Additionally, the compilation of a database of consumer information enables enterprises to better understand market trends and make more informed decisions. For instance, banks can analyze consumer shopping behavior to tailor marketing strategies, ultimately leading to higher sales rates.

In conclusion, while the practice of sharing private data online has its merits, I maintain reservations regarding its overall impact. It is imperative for users to exercise caution and for regulatory measures to be implemented to safeguard against potential risks associated with the misuse of personal information.