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Today, people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today, people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In an age where advertising saturates every facet of our existence, our understanding of essential priorities can undergo a significant transformation. I am firmly convinced that the incessant barrage of marketing not only shapes our values but also detrimentally impacts our overall well-being.
The primary rationale behind this viewpoint is that unrelenting advertising distorts our perception of significance. Advertisements, often portraying a life of opulence and convenience, craft a compelling illusion that material possessions are the gateway to happiness. This prompts an increased emphasis on acquiring goods, often at the expense of more meaningful pursuits like personal growth, relationships, and community engagement. Moreover, the pervasive nature of advertising, particularly through digital channels, ensures a continuous influx of these messages, reinforcing materialistic values and overshadowing other traditionally significant aspects of life, such as simplicity, contentment, and the joy derived from experiences rather than possessions.
Additionally, the omnipresence of advertising has adverse effects on various facets of our lives. It propels a cycle of consumerism, urging individuals to incessantly chase after the latest products, resulting in financial challenges and a perpetual pursuit of fleeting trends. This consumer culture also contributes to environmental degradation through excessive production and waste. Moreover, advertising establishes unattainable standards for beauty, success, and happiness, fostering low self-esteem and dissatisfaction among those who measure their lives against these impractical ideals. Lastly, the intrusive nature of digital advertising disrupts our daily routines, encroaching upon our privacy and diminishing the quality of our online experiences.
In conclusion, I contend that the pervasive impact of advertising undeniably distorts our perception of importance and has adverse effects on our overall quality of life. It not only redirects our focus toward materialism but also brings about negative consequences, spanning from financial challenges to environmental issues and personal discontent.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In an age where advertising saturates every facet of our existence" -> "In an era where advertising permeates every aspect of our lives"
    Explanation: Replacing "age" with "era" and "saturates" with "permeates" adds a more formal and sophisticated tone to the statement, aligning with academic writing standards.

  2. "I am firmly convinced that" -> "I strongly believe that"
    Explanation: Substituting "firmly convinced" with "strongly believe" maintains the author’s assertion while using a more common and direct expression in academic writing.

  3. "The primary rationale behind this viewpoint is that" -> "The main justification for this perspective is that"
    Explanation: Replacing "rationale" with "justification" and "viewpoint" with "perspective" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  4. "craft a compelling illusion" -> "create a compelling illusion"
    Explanation: The change from "craft" to "create" maintains the meaning while using a more straightforward and standard term.

  5. "prompt an increased emphasis on acquiring goods" -> "lead to an intensified focus on acquiring goods"
    Explanation: Substituting "prompt" with "lead to" and "emphasis" with "focus" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  6. "ensures a continuous influx of these messages" -> "ensures a constant influx of these messages"
    Explanation: Changing "continuous" to "constant" maintains the meaning while using a more standard term in academic writing.

  7. "meaningful pursuits like personal growth, relationships, and community engagement" -> "meaningful endeavors such as personal development, relationships, and community involvement"
    Explanation: Replacing "pursuits" with "endeavors" and rephrasing the list enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  8. "overshadowing other traditionally significant aspects of life, such as simplicity, contentment, and the joy derived from experiences rather than possessions" -> "casting a shadow over other traditionally significant aspects of life, such as simplicity, contentment, and the joy derived from experiences rather than possessions"
    Explanation: Introducing the phrase "casting a shadow over" adds a more vivid and formal expression to the sentence.

  9. "Additionally, the omnipresence of advertising" -> "Furthermore, the ubiquity of advertising"
    Explanation: Substituting "Additionally" with "Furthermore" and replacing "omnipresence" with "ubiquity" contributes to a more formal and precise transition between paragraphs.

  10. "resulting in financial challenges and a perpetual pursuit of fleeting trends" -> "resulting in financial difficulties and a perpetual pursuit of transient trends"
    Explanation: Substituting "challenges" with "difficulties" and "fleeting" with "transient" enhances the formality and specificity of the sentence.

  11. "This consumer culture also contributes to environmental degradation through excessive production and waste." -> "Moreover, this consumer culture contributes to environmental degradation through excessive production and waste."
    Explanation: Introducing "Moreover" creates a smoother transition between paragraphs, and the rest of the sentence remains unchanged for clarity.

  12. "those who measure their lives against these impractical ideals" -> "individuals who gauge their lives against these impractical ideals"
    Explanation: Replacing "those" with "individuals" and "measure" with "gauge" maintains formality and precision in academic writing.

  13. "Lastly, the intrusive nature of digital advertising" -> "Finally, the intrusive nature of digital advertising"
    Explanation: Changing "Lastly" to "Finally" provides a more formal and appropriate transition to the concluding paragraph.

  14. "In conclusion, I contend that" -> "In conclusion, I argue that"
    Explanation: Substituting "contend" with "argue" maintains the author’s assertion while using a more common and direct expression in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the impact of advertising on people’s perception of importance and its negative consequences on well-being. Relevant sections include the introduction, body paragraphs, and the conclusion, which consistently focus on the prompt’s key aspects.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, consider providing even more specific examples or case studies to bolster your points. This would further enhance the depth of your analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer asserts a firm belief in the negative effects of advertising on values and well-being. The stance is evident in the thesis statement and is reinforced throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider refining your thesis statement to explicitly outline the main points that will be discussed. This can serve as a roadmap for the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Each paragraph contains well-developed arguments supported by examples and reasoning. The essay’s structure is logical, with a clear progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: While the ideas are well-developed, ensure that each paragraph maintains a strong connection to the main thesis. This will reinforce the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, addressing the impact of advertising on values and well-being. There are no significant deviations, and the examples provided are relevant to the prompt.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen your essay, consider incorporating counterarguments and refuting them. This will demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates a clear and well-supported perspective. To further enhance the essay, consider providing more specific examples, refining the thesis statement for explicitness, ensuring a strong connection between paragraphs, and incorporating counterarguments for a more comprehensive analysis. Overall, well done!

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear organizational structure. It opens with a strong introduction that presents a clear standpoint, followed by well-developed body paragraphs. Each body paragraph elaborates on a specific impact of advertising, providing examples and explanations. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas. However, transitions between paragraphs could be more explicit to enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the transitions between paragraphs by employing explicit linking words or phrases. For instance, using phrases like "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Moreover" can enhance the flow between ideas, aiding in a smoother progression of arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a particular aspect of the argument. However, the length of some paragraphs could be optimized to improve readability and coherence. For instance, the second paragraph, discussing the impact on values, could be divided into smaller paragraphs to create a more concise and organized structure.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to ensure each paragraph addresses a single idea or point. This restructuring can enhance clarity and make the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions ("Moreover," "Additionally"), cohesive referencing ("This," "These"), and parallel structures ("personal growth, relationships, and community engagement"). These devices contribute to the coherence of the essay by linking ideas within and between sentences.
    • How to improve: While the essay already utilizes cohesive devices, further diversification and strategic placement can strengthen coherence. Consider integrating more transitional phrases or using synonyms for repeated words (e.g., "furthermore" instead of "moreover") to add variety without sacrificing clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion. By refining transitional elements, paragraphing, and expanding the range of cohesive devices used, the essay can further elevate its coherence and achieve an even more polished structure, potentially reaching a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable attempt to utilize a variety of vocabulary. For instance, the phrases "incessant barrage," "craft a compelling illusion," and "perpetual pursuit" demonstrate an effort to employ diverse language. However, there is room for improvement in terms of depth and nuance. The vocabulary used is often on the surface level and lacks the richness that could elevate the expression. Adding more sophisticated and contextually fitting words would enhance the lexical range.

    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more specialized or nuanced vocabulary where applicable. For instance, instead of frequently using general terms like "significant" or "adverse effects," explore synonyms or more specific descriptors that capture the intricacies of your ideas. Engage with synonyms and antonyms to build a more nuanced vocabulary.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a level of precision in vocabulary usage. Phrases such as "financial challenges," "environmental degradation," and "intrusive nature" demonstrate a clear attempt to articulate specific concepts. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise, such as in the use of the term "impractical ideals," which could be more precisely defined.

    • How to improve: To enhance precision, delve into the specifics of your arguments and provide more concrete examples. Instead of using broad terms like "impractical ideals," specify which ideals and in what context. Precision often comes from the clarity of examples and the specificity of language.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no egregious errors that hinder comprehension. However, there are a few instances where the choice of words could be refined for a more accurate expression. For example, the word "craft" in "craft a compelling illusion" could be replaced with "create" for a more precise and commonplace term.

    • How to improve: While the spelling is correct, pay attention to the choice of words to ensure they accurately convey your intended meaning. Utilize common and easily understood synonyms when they better align with your message. Additionally, consider proofreading for minor errors that may not be immediately apparent.

This essay exhibits a solid grasp of vocabulary and spelling, but refinement in the depth of vocabulary and precision of expression could elevate the overall lexical resource score. Utilizing a more varied and nuanced vocabulary, along with fine-tuning word choices for precision, will contribute to a more compelling and sophisticated essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of complex and compound sentences, contributing to a sophisticated flow. For instance, the use of complex sentences in the opening paragraph ("In an age where advertising saturates every facet of our existence, our understanding of essential priorities can undergo a significant transformation") adds depth to the argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay exhibits a good range, consider integrating more advanced structures such as inversion or conditional sentences. This can elevate the complexity and sophistication of the prose, enhancing the overall impression.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The grammar usage is generally accurate throughout the essay. Complex sentence structures are handled well, and there are no major grammatical errors that impede comprehension.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement in complex sentences. For example, in the sentence "Advertisements, often portraying a life of opulence and convenience, craft a compelling illusion," ensure that the subject ("Advertisements") and the verb ("craft") are in perfect agreement.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is employed correctly, with appropriate use of commas, periods, and colons. However, there is an occasional tendency to overuse commas, which can slightly disrupt the flow.
    • How to improve: Review the instances where commas are used and assess whether they are necessary for clarity. In some cases, restructuring sentences or using alternative punctuation (such as semicolons) might enhance readability. For instance, in the sentence "This prompts an increased emphasis on acquiring goods, often at the expense of more meaningful pursuits like personal growth, relationships, and community engagement," consider using semicolons to separate items in the list for better clarity: "This prompts an increased emphasis on acquiring goods; often at the expense of more meaningful pursuits like personal growth, relationships, and community engagement."

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. To further improve, focus on incorporating more advanced sentence structures and refining punctuation usage for optimal clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In an era where advertising permeates every aspect of our lives, I strongly believe that our understanding of essential priorities can undergo a significant transformation. The main justification for this perspective is that the incessant barrage of marketing not only shapes our values but also detrimentally impacts our overall well-being.

The primary rationale behind this viewpoint is that unrelenting advertising distorts our perception of significance. Advertisements, often portraying a life of opulence and convenience, create a compelling illusion that material possessions are the gateway to happiness. This leads to an intensified focus on acquiring goods, often at the expense of more meaningful endeavors such as personal development, relationships, and community involvement. Furthermore, the ubiquity of advertising, particularly through digital channels, ensures a constant influx of these messages, reinforcing materialistic values and casting a shadow over other traditionally significant aspects of life, such as simplicity, contentment, and the joy derived from experiences rather than possessions.

Moreover, the omnipresence of advertising has adverse effects on various facets of our lives. It propels a cycle of consumerism, urging individuals to incessantly chase after the latest products, resulting in financial difficulties and a perpetual pursuit of transient trends. This consumer culture also contributes to environmental degradation through excessive production and waste. Additionally, individuals who gauge their lives against these impractical ideals may experience low self-esteem and dissatisfaction. Finally, the intrusive nature of digital advertising disrupts our daily routines, encroaching upon our privacy and diminishing the quality of our online experiences.

In conclusion, I argue that the pervasive impact of advertising undeniably distorts our perception of importance and has adverse effects on our overall quality of life. It not only redirects our focus toward materialism but also brings about negative consequences, spanning from financial challenges to environmental issues and personal discontent.

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