Today, people in many countries have to spend more and more time away from their families. Why is this happening? What effects does this have on the people themselves and on their families?

Today, people in many countries have to spend more and more time away from their families.
Why is this happening?
What effects does this have on the people themselves and on their families?

In today’s society, there is a growing tendency in many nations worldwide where people have to distance themselves away from their loved ones. This essay aims to rigorously explain the driving force behind this phenomenon and dive deeply into it’s influence on individuals and their family welfare.

Firstly, to set the record straight, there are abundant reasons why this issue became the way it is today, but ultimately, it all boils down to internal and external motivations. When talking about internal forces, the main factor is undoubtedly family conflict, which is in itself a product of apathy and disparity among all members. Evidently, most extended families suffer from generation gap and inequality because seniors, being who they are, tend to show limitations in physical ability, cognitive ability and in mindset, the difference can be seen as ‘day and night’ when compared to young people. Added with conflicting beliefs and world views all things considered, this can make communication challenging and counterproductive, potentially damaging family bonds.

External force however, is much more nuanced, as young people enter adulthood, getting a job and starting a family will be their top priorities. But a constantly growing world population comes with exponentially increasing competition. Consequently, many people find themselves having to seek for opportunity elsewhere, thus passively distancing themselves from family. The problem is also prevalent among employed people, as the pursuit of material possession and family well-being drives people further and further down the rabbit hole. Another perpetrator is the global network of capital, it seeks to heavily profit from it’s labor, this forces workers to do more than their capabilities and some even have to take multiple jobs. There has been instances of workers having to take multiple business trips around the globe on a regular basis, away from their families.

It is undeniable that such a pervasive trend is a heavy burden on one’s family and social dynamics, as people spend less and less time with their loved ones, it can take a toll on their mental health, causing anxiety, stress and all the problems that ensue, family wise, the rare presence of a member or lack thereof can loosen the much needed bond. Statistics have shown that children growing up with the absence of a father or mother figure tend to perform worse in school, and people who are separated from their families for long periods are most likely to develop depression and all sorts of mental health issues.

To sum up, the growing trend that causes people to live away from their families is due to many factors at play, such as family conflicts or the pursuit of a career. This in the long term will ultimately deplete the strength of a family bond and take a heavy toll on the individuals’ well-being as well as their family dynamics.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s society" -> "In contemporary society"
   Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "today’s," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in this context.

2. "distance themselves away from" -> "distance themselves from"
   Explanation: The phrase "distance themselves away from" is redundant. "Distance themselves from" is sufficient and more concise.

3. "This essay aims to rigorously explain" -> "This essay seeks to thoroughly examine"
   Explanation: "Rigorously explain" may imply a level of intensity that is not necessary in academic writing. "Thoroughly examine" is more appropriate for academic essays, suggesting a detailed and systematic analysis.

4. "dive deeply into it’s influence" -> "explore the profound influence"
   Explanation: "Dive deeply into" is informal and slightly awkward in this context. "Explore the profound influence" is more formal and academically suitable.

5. "abundant reasons" -> "numerous reasons"
   Explanation: "Abundant" can imply a sense of quantity that is not necessarily precise in this context. "Numerous" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.

6. "apathy and disparity" -> "apathy and disparities"
   Explanation: "Disparity" should be pluralized to "disparities" to match the plural form of "apathy."

7. "being who they are" -> "due to their nature"
   Explanation: "Being who they are" is informal and vague. "Due to their nature" is more precise and formal.

8. "tend to show limitations" -> "often exhibit limitations"
   Explanation: "Tend to show" is less formal and slightly vague. "Often exhibit" is more direct and suitable for academic writing.

9. "the difference can be seen as ‘day and night’" -> "the difference is stark"
   Explanation: The phrase "day and night" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Stark" is a more formal and precise term.

10. "Added with conflicting beliefs" -> "Additionally, conflicting beliefs"
    Explanation: "Added with" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Additionally" is grammatically correct and more formal.

11. "seek to heavily profit from it’s labor" -> "seek to heavily profit from their labor"
    Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and should be replaced with "their" to maintain grammatical correctness and formality.

12. "workers to do more than their capabilities" -> "workers to exceed their capabilities"
    Explanation: "Do more than their capabilities" is awkward and unclear. "Exceed their capabilities" is more precise and formal.

13. "Statistics have shown" -> "Research has demonstrated"
    Explanation: "Statistics have shown" is a bit generic and informal. "Research has demonstrated" is more specific and academically appropriate.

14. "all sorts of mental health issues" -> "a range of mental health issues"
    Explanation: "All sorts of" is informal and vague. "A range of" is more precise and formal.

15. "This in the long term will ultimately" -> "This will ultimately"
    Explanation: "In the long term" is redundant when "ultimately" already implies a long-term effect. Removing "in the long term" simplifies and clarifies the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies reasons for people spending more time away from their families, such as family conflict and external pressures related to work and competition. The essay also discusses the effects of this trend on individuals and families, highlighting issues like mental health problems and weakened family bonds. The structure is logical, with a clear progression from causes to effects.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to support the claims made. For instance, citing studies on the impact of parental absence on children’s academic performance would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the essay could explore more diverse reasons for this phenomenon, such as technological influences or cultural shifts, to provide a more comprehensive view.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that both internal and external factors contribute to the distancing from family. The writer consistently supports this stance with relevant arguments and examples. However, the introduction could be slightly clearer in stating the main argument, as the phrase "it all boils down to internal and external motivations" could be more explicitly linked to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the introduction could explicitly state that the essay will explore both the reasons for and the effects of distancing from family. Using a thesis statement that directly reflects the prompt would help set a clear direction for the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas effectively, particularly in the discussion of internal and external motivations. The writer elaborates on the impact of family conflict and the pressures of modern life, providing a nuanced understanding of the issue. However, some points, such as the "global network of capital," could be further unpacked to clarify their relevance to the topic.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could include more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, discussing specific industries where long working hours are common could provide a clearer picture of how work pressures lead to family separation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for and effects of spending time away from family. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "multiple business trips" could be better integrated into the overall argument rather than being presented as a standalone point.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main thesis. Using topic sentences that relate directly to the prompt can help keep the discussion aligned with the central issues of the essay. Additionally, avoiding overly complex sentences can help clarify the main points being made.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively communicates ideas, earning a solid Band 8 score. With some refinements in clarity, support, and focus, it could potentially reach an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the essay’s purpose. The body paragraphs are organized around distinct themes: internal motivations and external pressures. However, while the ideas are generally coherent, some transitions between points could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing internal family conflicts to external societal pressures could benefit from a clearer linking sentence to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "In addition," "Conversely," or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the prompt, such as internal motivations and external pressures. However, the second paragraph is quite lengthy and could be broken down into two separate paragraphs to better delineate the internal factors from the external ones. This would allow for a more focused discussion on each point.
  • How to improve: The writer should consider dividing longer paragraphs into smaller ones, especially when introducing new concepts or factors. For instance, the discussion on family conflict could be one paragraph, while the discussion on external pressures could be another. This would not only improve clarity but also help the reader digest the information more easily.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "To sum up," which help to signal the progression of ideas. Nonetheless, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "this can make communication challenging and counterproductive" could be better linked to the previous sentence with a cohesive device that emphasizes contrast or consequence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "As a result," and "Consequently." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately in context will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement in the organization of information, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "growing tendency," "driving force," and "pursuit of material possession." These expressions contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "family" and "individuals" could be substituted with synonyms like "relatives," "kin," or "members of the household" to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader variety of synonyms and expressions. Practicing with vocabulary lists related to family dynamics and societal issues could help in this regard. Additionally, reading a wider range of academic texts might expose the writer to different ways of expressing similar ideas.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "generation gap" and "cognitive ability," which effectively convey specific ideas. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, particularly with the phrase "distance themselves away from their loved ones." The word "away" is redundant here, as "distance themselves" already implies separation.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on eliminating redundancy and ensuring that each word contributes meaningfully to the sentence. A careful review of phrases for clarity and conciseness can help. Additionally, using contextually appropriate terms that accurately reflect the intended meaning will strengthen the overall clarity of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "it’s" instead of "its" (the possessive form) and "perpetrator" instead of "perpetrators." These errors detract from the professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regular writing practice, along with feedback from peers or instructors, can also help in identifying and correcting spelling mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, focusing on expanding lexical variety, enhancing precision, and ensuring correct spelling will contribute to achieving a higher score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clause types. For instance, phrases like "there are abundant reasons why this issue became the way it is today" and "the rare presence of a member or lack thereof can loosen the much needed bond" showcase the writer’s ability to construct intricate ideas. However, some sentences are overly lengthy and could benefit from being broken down for clarity, such as the sentence starting with "Evidently, most extended families suffer from generation gap and inequality…" which could be split into shorter, more digestible parts.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Additionally, incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses could help maintain reader engagement. For example, starting sentences with adverbial phrases like "In light of this," or "Consequently," can add variety and improve flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, the use of "it’s" instead of "its" in "dive deeply into it’s influence" is a common grammatical mistake. Additionally, the phrase "the difference can be seen as ‘day and night’ when compared to young people" could benefit from clearer punctuation, as the quotation marks are somewhat misplaced. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences where additional commas could clarify meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on distinguishing between possessive pronouns (its) and contractions (it’s). Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence structure could be simplified for better comprehension.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the highlighted areas for improvement will further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there is a growing tendency in many nations worldwide for individuals to distance themselves from their loved ones. This essay seeks to thoroughly examine the driving forces behind this phenomenon and explore the profound influence it has on individuals and their family welfare.

Firstly, to set the record straight, there are numerous reasons why this issue has developed as it has today, but ultimately, it all boils down to internal and external motivations. When discussing internal forces, the main factor is undoubtedly family conflict, which is itself a product of apathy and disparities among family members. Evidently, most extended families suffer from generational gaps and inequalities because older generations often exhibit limitations in physical ability, cognitive capacity, and mindset. The difference is stark when compared to young people. Additionally, conflicting beliefs and worldviews can make communication challenging and counterproductive, potentially damaging family bonds.

External forces, however, are much more nuanced. As young people enter adulthood, securing a job and starting a family become their top priorities. Yet, a constantly growing world population brings about exponentially increasing competition. Consequently, many individuals find themselves seeking opportunities elsewhere, thus passively distancing themselves from their families. This problem is also prevalent among employed individuals, as the pursuit of material possessions and family well-being drives people further down the rabbit hole. Another contributor is the global network of capital, which seeks to heavily profit from its labor, forcing workers to exceed their capabilities; some even have to take on multiple jobs. There have been instances of workers having to undertake numerous business trips around the globe regularly, away from their families.

It is undeniable that such a pervasive trend places a heavy burden on family and social dynamics. As people spend less time with their loved ones, it can take a toll on their mental health, causing anxiety, stress, and a range of mental health issues. Family-wise, the rare presence of a member or lack thereof can weaken the much-needed bond. Research has demonstrated that children growing up without a father or mother figure tend to perform worse in school, and individuals who are separated from their families for extended periods are more likely to develop depression and various mental health issues.

To sum up, the growing trend that causes people to live away from their families is due to many factors at play, such as family conflicts and the pursuit of a career. This will ultimately deplete the strength of family bonds and take a heavy toll on individuals’ well-being as well as their family dynamics.