Topic 1 : Describe your ideal healthy living environment. You should say: where it would be what features it would have how easy it would be to live there and explain why this would be your ideal environment

Topic 1 : Describe your ideal healthy living environment.
You should say:

where it would be
what features it would have
how easy it would be to live there

and explain why this would be your ideal environment

In today’s world, I have become enmeshed in a tangle of hectic lifestyle, I have been swamping with assignments in university and my part-time job; thus, I oftentimes feel under the weather. I found that a healthy living environment has the ability to uplift my mood and inspire me to work efficiently. the ideal place that springs to my mind is the house near the beach in Da Nang city. Not only is Danang city is an ideal place to unwind, but this city also has lots of opportunities to make and meet. Amenities in this city are ubiquitous, health services, job opportunities, modern structures, and shopping centers. Everything is omnipresent, and I also can access these amenities here easily too

In Danang City, there are many must-visit eye-catching attractions, including Son Tra Peninsuala, hot spring park, Hoi an old quarter, Bana Hills, etc. Attractions are engaging places to blow off my steam. After dinner, I’m really into strolling along the beach, you know, immersing myself in harmonious wave sound and watching flocks of fish is fishing, this is definitely a tranquil scene). especially, I am capable of obtaining opportunities in Danang city which is one of the hustle and bustle cities in Vietnam. I guessed beach city is considered to be a healing city for those people working around the clock like me. And, above all, I have relish for delicious seafood and fresh air. The fresh air is very invigorating. It is not like Ho Chi Minh city’s air. HCMC choked by exhaust fumes, factory smoke and construction dust.

My feeling is better off in this place. When I have been residing in a vibrant metropolis such as Ho Chi Minh City, I use all the best of my ability to study and make money. I’m tied up in work and assignments now just because purposes are to save for rainy days and to keep body and soul together. When I’m on my way to go home, I have been suffering from lots of infernal issues, such as honks of vehicles and rushing hours. During this time, I just contemplated how to manage to pay for the lodging fee and electric bill, water bill, etc. These expenses to live in this city are really costly. These issues literally piss me off, and then I am home with an exhausted feeling. I’m partially fed up with the pace of life in Ho Chi Minh City. You know, the cost of living in Ho Chi Minh city is definitely more expensive than Da Nang city in all aspects as a result of soaring immigration. I thought I needed to get back in nature, one place has lots of opportunities, and this place is not busy like Ho Chi Minh city right now. This place is definitely Da Nang city, and my hometown is also in Da Nang city too; thus, consequently; Da Nang city is a better place to settle down. When I am well-off and have stability in my job, I prefer to get back to my hometown. My homeland is obviously the impeccable place for the rest of my life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I have become enmeshed in a tangle of hectic lifestyle" -> "I am immersed in a hectic lifestyle"
   Explanation: Simplifying "enmeshed in a tangle" to "immersed in" maintains the intended meaning while using more concise and formal language suitable for academic writing.

2. "swamping with assignments" -> "overwhelmed by assignments"
   Explanation: "Swamping" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Overwhelmed" is a more precise and formal term that conveys the same meaning.

3. "I oftentimes feel under the weather" -> "I frequently feel unwell"
   Explanation: "Oftentimes" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Frequently" is more commonly used in formal writing, and "unwell" is a more direct and appropriate term than "under the weather."

4. "the ideal place that springs to my mind" -> "the ideal location that comes to mind"
   Explanation: "The ideal place" is redundant with "the ideal location," and "springs to my mind" is a metaphor that may be considered too colloquial for academic writing. "Comes to mind" is a more straightforward and formal expression.

5. "Not only is Danang city is an ideal place" -> "Not only is Da Nang a desirable location"
   Explanation: "Danang city" should be "Da Nang" for proper noun capitalization, and "an ideal place" is redundant with "a desirable location," which is more concise and formal.

6. "lots of opportunities to make and meet" -> "numerous opportunities for socializing and career advancement"
   Explanation: "Lots of opportunities to make and meet" is vague and informal. "Numerous opportunities for socializing and career advancement" is more specific and formal, fitting the academic style.

7. "Amenities in this city are ubiquitous" -> "Amenities in this city are abundant"
   Explanation: "Ubiquitous" implies widespread presence, which may not be the intended meaning here. "Abundant" better conveys the idea of plenty without the connotation of omnipresence.

8. "I’m really into strolling along the beach" -> "I thoroughly enjoy strolling along the beach"
   Explanation: "I’m really into" is informal and conversational. "I thoroughly enjoy" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

9. "immersing myself in harmonious wave sound" -> "immersing myself in the harmonious sounds of the waves"
   Explanation: "Wave sound" is awkward and unclear. "The harmonious sounds of the waves" is more precise and grammatically correct.

10. "flocks of fish is fishing" -> "flocks of fish while fishing"
    Explanation: "Is fishing" is grammatically incorrect. "While fishing" corrects the sentence structure and clarifies the activity.

11. "I guessed beach city is considered to be a healing city" -> "I believe that beach cities are considered healing cities"
    Explanation: "I guessed" is incorrect as it implies a guess rather than a statement of fact. "I believe" is more appropriate for expressing personal opinion in academic writing. Also, "beach city" should be pluralized to "beach cities" for accuracy.

12. "HCMC choked by exhaust fumes, factory smoke and construction dust" -> "HCMC is choked by exhaust fumes, factory smoke, and construction dust"
    Explanation: Adding "is" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and clear.

13. "I’m tied up in work and assignments" -> "I am heavily engaged in work and assignments"
    Explanation: "Tied up" is informal and vague. "Heavily engaged" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

14. "I’m partially fed up with the pace of life" -> "I am partially disenchanted with the pace of life"
    Explanation: "Fed up" is informal and colloquial. "Disenchanted" is a more formal term that conveys the same meaning.

15. "piss me off" -> "irks me"
    Explanation: "Piss me off" is extremely informal and inappropriate for academic writing. "Irks me" is a more formal alternative.

16. "I thought I needed to get back in nature" -> "I believed I needed to reconnect with nature"
    Explanation: "Get back in nature" is informal and vague. "Reconnect with nature" is more specific and formal.

17. "one place has lots of opportunities" -> "this place offers numerous opportunities"
    Explanation: "One place has lots of opportunities" is informal and imprecise. "This place offers numerous opportunities" is more formal and specific.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and tone of the essay to better align with

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by describing the ideal healthy living environment as Da Nang city. It mentions where it would be (near the beach in Da Nang), some features (such as health services, job opportunities, and attractions), and the ease of living there (access to amenities and fresh air). However, the response could be more structured in directly answering each part of the question in a clearer manner. For instance, while the essay mentions features, it does not explicitly categorize them or explain how they contribute to a healthy living environment.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that each part of the prompt is addressed in a clear and organized manner. Using bullet points or headings could help delineate where each aspect of the prompt is being addressed. Additionally, providing specific examples of how these features contribute to health (e.g., access to parks for exercise) would enhance the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear preference for Da Nang over Ho Chi Minh City, which is consistent throughout. However, the position could be more explicitly stated at the beginning and reinforced throughout the essay. The transition between discussing the drawbacks of Ho Chi Minh City and the benefits of Da Nang could be smoother to maintain a cohesive argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should start with a strong thesis statement that encapsulates their main argument. Additionally, using transition phrases can help connect ideas and reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about why Da Nang is an ideal living environment, such as its attractions and lifestyle benefits. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, while the writer mentions the fresh air and seafood, there is little elaboration on how these contribute to a healthy lifestyle.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. For example, they could explain how the fresh air contributes to physical health or how access to recreational activities can improve mental well-being. Providing statistics or personal anecdotes could also strengthen the support for their ideas.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on Da Nang as the ideal healthy living environment. However, there are moments where the writer digresses into personal anecdotes about life in Ho Chi Minh City, which, while relevant, could distract from the main focus. For instance, the detailed description of the challenges faced in Ho Chi Minh City could be condensed to maintain focus on the ideal environment.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main topic of the ideal living environment. They can achieve this by summarizing the relevance of personal experiences to the overall argument and minimizing unrelated details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear progression of ideas, starting from the author’s current situation to the ideal living environment in Da Nang. However, the organization could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the hectic lifestyle in Ho Chi Minh City and the benefits of living in Da Nang could be more fluid. The author jumps between ideas, which can confuse the reader. For example, the mention of "must-visit eye-catching attractions" appears abruptly and could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the author should outline the essay before writing. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader. Additionally, grouping similar ideas together and using transitional phrases (e.g., "In contrast," "Furthermore," "Moreover") can create smoother transitions between points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several paragraphs, but they lack clear structure. Some paragraphs are overly long and cover multiple ideas, making it difficult for the reader to follow. For instance, the paragraph discussing attractions in Da Nang mixes personal reflections with descriptions of the city, which can dilute the main point.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The author could create separate paragraphs for discussing the features of Da Nang, personal feelings about the city, and comparisons with Ho Chi Minh City. This would not only improve readability but also allow for more in-depth exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" and "especially," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, the phrase "this is definitely a tranquil scene" feels disjointed from the previous sentence, as it does not clearly relate back to the main idea.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the author should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "additionally," "consequently," "for instance," and "in summary." This would help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is appropriately used within the context of the sentence will enhance clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "enmeshed," "uplift," and "invigorating." However, the use of phrases like "swamping with assignments" and "the pace of life in Ho Chi Minh City" shows a tendency towards repetition and a lack of variation. The phrase "hustle and bustle" is also somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more original expressions.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "city" frequently, alternatives like "urban area," "metropolis," or "locality" could be used. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives and adverbs would enrich the text, such as "vibrant" instead of "busy" or "serene" instead of "tranquil."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "I have been swamping with assignments" should be "I have been swamped with assignments." The phrase "I guessed beach city is considered to be a healing city" is awkward and unclear; "I believe that a beach city is often regarded as a healing environment" would be more precise.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and accuracy in word choice. It is essential to ensure that verbs are used correctly (e.g., "swamped" instead of "swamping"). Additionally, the writer could benefit from using phrases that convey their intended meaning more clearly, such as "I find the beach city to be a healing environment" instead of "I guessed."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Peninsuala" (should be "Peninsula") and "HCMC" (should be spelled out as "Ho Chi Minh City" on first reference). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should take the time to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying word choices, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Not only is Danang city is an ideal place to unwind, but this city also has lots of opportunities to make and meet" shows an attempt at a more complex structure. However, there are instances of redundancy and awkward phrasing, such as "I have become enmeshed in a tangle of hectic lifestyle" and "I have been swamping with assignments." These phrases could be restructured for clarity and fluency.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more varied conjunctions and transitional phrases. Incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas effectively will improve the overall flow. For example, instead of "I’m tied up in work and assignments now just because purposes are to save for rainy days," consider restructuring to "I am currently overwhelmed with work and assignments, driven by the need to save for future uncertainties."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "the ideal place that springs to my mind is the house near the beach in Da Nang city" should capitalize "The" at the beginning of the sentence. Additionally, the phrase "I guessed beach city is considered to be a healing city" lacks proper tense and clarity; it would be better as "I believe that a beach city is considered a healing environment." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of semicolons, also detract from the overall quality.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and proper tense usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, will help. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For example, the sentence "During this time, I just contemplated how to manage to pay for the lodging fee and electric bill, water bill, etc." could be improved by rephrasing to "During this time, I contemplated how to manage my expenses, including lodging and utility bills."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at expressing ideas, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, I find myself immersed in a hectic lifestyle, overwhelmed by assignments at university and my part-time job; thus, I frequently feel unwell. I have discovered that a healthy living environment can uplift my mood and inspire me to work efficiently. The ideal location that comes to mind is a house near the beach in Da Nang city. Not only is Da Nang a desirable location to unwind, but it also offers numerous opportunities for socializing and career advancement. Amenities in this city are abundant, including health services, job opportunities, modern structures, and shopping centers. Everything is easily accessible, making life here quite convenient.

In Da Nang city, there are many must-visit attractions, including Son Tra Peninsula, hot spring parks, the ancient town of Hoi An, and Ba Na Hills. These engaging places provide a perfect escape to blow off steam. After dinner, I thoroughly enjoy strolling along the beach, immersing myself in the harmonious sounds of the waves and watching flocks of fish while fishing—this is definitely a tranquil scene. Moreover, I believe that beach cities are considered healing environments for those who work around the clock like me. Above all, I have a fondness for delicious seafood and the invigorating fresh air, which is a stark contrast to the atmosphere in Ho Chi Minh City, where the air is choked by exhaust fumes, factory smoke, and construction dust.

My well-being improves significantly in this place. While residing in a vibrant metropolis like Ho Chi Minh City, I strive to study and earn money to save for rainy days and maintain my livelihood. However, on my way home, I often suffer from various stressors, such as the incessant honking of vehicles and the chaos of rush hour. During this time, I contemplate how to manage my living expenses, including rent and utility bills, which can be quite costly in this city. These issues irk me, leaving me exhausted by the time I reach home. I am partially disenchanted with the pace of life in Ho Chi Minh City. The cost of living here is certainly higher than in Da Nang, largely due to soaring immigration.

I believe I need to reconnect with nature, and Da Nang is a place that offers numerous opportunities while being less hectic than Ho Chi Minh City. Additionally, my hometown is in Da Nang, making it an even more appealing option for settling down. Once I achieve stability in my job, I prefer to return to my hometown, as it is undoubtedly the ideal place for the rest of my life.