TOPIC 2: Some people think that men and women have different qualities. Therefore, some certain jobs are suitable for men and some jobs are suitable for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

– It is a controversial consideration that male and female have different strengths and weaknesses, thus some occupations are better suited for men while others are better suited for their counterparts.I utterly agree with this viewpoint for several justifications, which will be outlined in this piece of writing.
– Indisputably, men can perform laborious tasks for extended periods of time without any demur. To be more specific, this effectiveness can be explained by the fact that men could finish their assigned tasks more effectively in high-risk situations based on their hegemonic masculinity including physical well-being, bravery and self-discipline. For instance, during the war in Viet Nam, many male secret agents were arrested and brutally tortured by their enemy; however, they did not reveal the military strategy thanks to their mentally courage. As a result, male could have the priority over their female counterparts when being tasked with more crucial missions.
– Furthermore, women are more suitable for certain occupations in which their male counterparts struggle with . To be more specific, women tend to cope effectively with childcare-related jobs based on their natural characteristics including persistence, meticulousness and conscientiousness. For example, only women could be preschool teachers who have enough persistence to take care of the children as well as have enough calmness to handle all circumstances. As a result, these characteristics of women could draw attention to the employers who require their strength and unique qualities.
– In conclusion, I personally concur that men and women should only work in jobs which are suitable for their different abilities. Both are excellent at their certain positions and eligible to develop their strength in the right fields.

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Errors and Improvements:

"It is a controversial consideration that male and female have different strengths and weaknesses, thus some occupations are better suited for men while others are better suited for their counterparts." -> "It is a contentious issue that males and females possess distinct strengths and weaknesses, leading to certain occupations being better suited for men and others for women."
Explanation: Replacing "controversial consideration" with "contentious issue" and "male and female" with "males and females" enhances the formal tone of the sentence. Additionally, "better suited for their counterparts" is replaced with "better suited for women," providing clarity and specificity.
"I utterly agree with this viewpoint for several justifications, which will be outlined in this piece of writing." -> "I strongly support this viewpoint for several reasons, which will be elaborated upon in this essay."
Explanation: "Utterly agree" is replaced with "strongly support" for a more formal tone. "Justifications" is replaced with "reasons" for simplicity and clarity, and "piece of writing" is replaced with "essay" for precision.
"Indisputably, men can perform laborious tasks for extended periods of time without any demur." -> "Undoubtedly, men can perform arduous tasks for prolonged durations without hesitation."
Explanation: "Indisputably" is replaced with "undoubtedly" for a more formal tone. "Laborious" is replaced with "arduous" for a more precise and sophisticated term. "Demur" is replaced with "hesitation" for clarity and simplicity.
"To be more specific, this effectiveness can be explained by the fact that men could finish their assigned tasks more effectively in high-risk situations based on their hegemonic masculinity including physical well-being, bravery and self-discipline." -> "Specifically, this efficiency can be attributed to men’s ability to complete tasks more effectively in high-risk scenarios due to traits associated with traditional masculinity, such as physical fitness, courage, and self-discipline."
Explanation: "To be more specific" is replaced with "Specifically" for conciseness. "Explain" is replaced with "attribute" for precision. "Hegemonic masculinity" is replaced with "traits associated with traditional masculinity" for clarity.
"For instance, during the war in Viet Nam, many male secret agents were arrested and brutally tortured by their enemy; however, they did not reveal the military strategy thanks to their mentally courage." -> "For example, during the Vietnam War, numerous male secret agents were captured and subjected to brutal torture by the enemy; nevertheless, they refused to divulge military strategies owing to their mental fortitude."
Explanation: "Viet Nam" is corrected to "Vietnam" for standardization. "Brutally tortured" is replaced with "subjected to brutal torture" for grammatical accuracy. "Mentally courage" is replaced with "mental fortitude" for clarity and precision.
"Furthermore, women are more suitable for certain occupations in which their male counterparts struggle with." -> "Moreover, women are better suited for certain occupations in which their male counterparts may face challenges."
Explanation: "Furthermore" is replaced with "Moreover" for variety in transition words. "Struggle with" is replaced with "may face challenges" for clarity and formality.
"To be more specific, women tend to cope effectively with childcare-related jobs based on their natural characteristics including persistence, meticulousness and conscientiousness." -> "Specifically, women tend to excel in childcare-related professions due to their innate qualities, such as persistence, meticulousness, and conscientiousness."
Explanation: "Cope effectively with" is replaced with "excel in" for a stronger term. "Natural characteristics" is replaced with "innate qualities" for clarity and precision.
"For example, only women could be preschool teachers who have enough persistence to take care of the children as well as have enough calmness to handle all circumstances." -> "For instance, preschool teaching is a profession where women often demonstrate the necessary persistence to care for children and maintain composure in various situations."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for clarity and coherence. "Only women could be" is replaced with "preschool teaching is a profession where women often demonstrate" for specificity.
"As a result, these characteristics of women could draw attention to the employers who require their strength and unique qualities." -> "Consequently, these traits in women can attract employers seeking their specific strengths and attributes."
Explanation: "As a result" is replaced with "Consequently" for variety. "Draw attention to" is replaced with "attract" for conciseness. "Strength and unique qualities" is replaced with "specific strengths and attributes" for precision.
"In conclusion, I personally concur that men and women should only work in jobs which are suitable for their different abilities." -> "In conclusion, I firmly agree that men and women should work in professions that align with their respective strengths."
Explanation: "Personally concur" is replaced with "firmly agree" for a stronger expression. "Only work in jobs" is replaced with "work in professions" for clarity and precision. "Different abilities" is replaced with "respective strengths" for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by expressing agreement with the statement that certain jobs are more suitable for men and others for women. It provides arguments supporting this viewpoint and concludes by reiterating the agreement.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately addresses the prompt, it could enhance its response by delving deeper into the implications of gender-specific job suitability and exploring potential counterarguments to strengthen its analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, asserting agreement with the idea that certain jobs are better suited for men and women based on their respective qualities. Each paragraph consistently reinforces this position.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis, ensuring the reader grasps the writer’s viewpoint unequivocally.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas with relevant examples and reasoning. It elaborates on the qualities of men and women that make them suitable for certain occupations and provides illustrative instances to strengthen the arguments.
- How to improve: To extend the depth of analysis, the essay could incorporate additional examples or research findings to bolster its claims and provide a more comprehensive understanding of gender-specific job suitability.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively stays on topic by discussing the extent to which men and women are suitable for different jobs based on their inherent qualities. It maintains relevance to the prompt throughout.
- How to improve: While the essay remains focused on the main theme, it could further enhance coherence by ensuring that each paragraph directly contributes to the discussion of gender-specific job suitability, avoiding any tangential points.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments supporting the idea that certain jobs are more suitable for men and women based on their respective qualities. To improve further, the writer could deepen the analysis, explicitly state their position, incorporate additional examples, and maintain strict relevance to the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization by presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction outlines the writer’s agreement with the prompt and previews the main points. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint (men’s strengths and women’s strengths) with supporting examples. The conclusion restates the writer’s opinion succinctly. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the progression from one paragraph to another might benefit from clearer linkage.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph directly connects to the central argument. Use transition phrases (e.g., ‘furthermore,’ ‘to illustrate,’ ‘in conclusion’) to signal shifts between ideas and sections. Consider a more nuanced approach to developing each argument in a cohesive manner.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic (men’s capabilities vs. women’s capabilities) and presents supporting details. However, some paragraphs could be more developed and coherent, particularly in addressing counterarguments or providing deeper analysis.
- How to improve: Aim for well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Ensure each paragraph contributes directly to the overall argument and avoids unnecessary repetition or redundancy.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a basic range of cohesive devices (e.g., ‘however,’ ‘furthermore,’ ‘in conclusion’) to link ideas within and between sentences. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used, and some transitions could be more sophisticated to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices beyond basic linking words. Incorporate a variety of transitions such as pronouns (‘these,’ ‘those’), synonyms, parallel structures, and cause-effect relationships to create smoother connections between ideas and paragraphs. Vary sentence structures to improve readability and coherence.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument supported by examples, but improvements in logical organization, paragraph development, and the use of diverse cohesive devices would enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with varied word choices such as "controversial consideration," "hegemonic masculinity," "demur," "preschool teachers," and "eligibile." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of vocabulary usage. Some phrases are slightly repetitive or lack nuance, which affects the overall richness of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should strive to incorporate more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Synonyms and alternative phrases can add depth to the arguments and contribute to a more sophisticated overall tone. Additionally, exploring academic or domain-specific vocabulary related to gender studies or occupational psychology could enrich the essay’s content.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances of imprecise word choice or vague phrasing that could be clarified. For example, the use of "controversial consideration" could be more precisely articulated, and the phrase "struggle with" in reference to male counterparts could be more specific.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully consider the context and connotations of the words chosen. Using precise terminology relevant to the topic, such as "gender roles" or "occupational suitability," can help convey ideas more accurately. Additionally, avoiding vague or overly general language by providing specific examples or details can enhance clarity and precision in communication.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates adequate spelling accuracy with no major errors observed. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "Viet Nam" (Vietnam) and "eligibile" (eligible), which do not significantly detract from the readability or comprehension of the text.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should consider proofreading the essay carefully or utilizing spell-checking tools to identify and correct any errors before submission. Additionally, paying attention to common spelling patterns and practicing spelling regularly can help reinforce accuracy in written communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, it utilizes complex sentence structures such as "Indisputably, men can perform laborious tasks for extended periods of time without any demur," and compound sentences like "To be more specific, this effectiveness can be explained by the fact that men could finish their assigned tasks more effectively in high-risk situations based on their hegemonic masculinity including physical well-being, bravery and self-discipline." However, there is room for improvement in the diversification of sentence structures to further enhance coherence and fluency.
- How to improve: To enrich the essay’s expression and coherence, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence structures, including simple, complex, compound, and compound-complex sentences. Introducing variations in sentence length and structure can contribute to a smoother flow of ideas and engage the reader more effectively. Additionally, utilizing rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion can add depth and sophistication to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances where errors or inconsistencies occur. For example, in the sentence "I utterly agree with this viewpoint for several justifications, which will be outlined in this piece of writing," the phrase "for several justifications" could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("Furthermore,"). Overall, the essay displays proficiency in grammar and punctuation, but there is room for refinement.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, consider revising sentences for clarity and precision. Reviewing grammar rules related to sentence structure, verb agreement, and pronoun usage can help refine the essay’s accuracy. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation, ensuring consistency and correctness throughout the essay. Proofreading carefully before submission can help identify and correct any remaining errors, contributing to a polished and professional final draft.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed a contentious issue that males and females possess distinct strengths and weaknesses, leading to certain occupations being better suited for men and others for women. I strongly support this viewpoint for several reasons, which will be elaborated upon in this essay.

Undoubtedly, men can perform arduous tasks for prolonged durations without hesitation. Specifically, this efficiency can be attributed to men’s ability to complete tasks more effectively in high-risk scenarios due to traits associated with traditional masculinity, such as physical fitness, courage, and self-discipline. For example, during the Vietnam War, numerous male secret agents were captured and subjected to brutal torture by the enemy; nevertheless, they refused to divulge military strategies owing to their mental fortitude.

Moreover, women are better suited for certain occupations in which their male counterparts may face challenges. Specifically, women tend to excel in childcare-related professions due to their innate qualities, such as persistence, meticulousness, and conscientiousness. For instance, preschool teaching is a profession where women often demonstrate the necessary persistence to care for children and maintain composure in various situations. Consequently, these traits in women can attract employers seeking their specific strengths and attributes.

In conclusion, I firmly agree that men and women should work in professions that align with their respective strengths. Both genders are excellent in their own right, and they should be encouraged to develop their skills in fields where they can thrive.