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Topic: In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population.

Topic: In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population.

Over the past decades, ageing population– associated issues have never failed to draw public attention and provoke debates. It is universally acknowledged that an growing number of individuals in industrialized nation live a longer life than in the past. Although this trend could result in several potential problems for people and community, certain possible steps can be introduced to resolve this issues.
There is no denying that the increase in average life expectancy could give rise to a number of unexpected drawbacks. Firstly, the government have to suffer the increasing of budget to pay welfare for elderly plus medical care automatically rise.At the matter of fact, when the government be under an obligation to provide cost of living for retirement fund, which is will place financial pressure on the budget of the government and to resolve the problems of money, the states are more likely to impose greater faxes and put budgetary stress on working adults.Secondly, to take care of their parents, young people will spend a great deal of time, money and energy. For example, if their parents are middle-aged, recently retired and in good health, their children must at least provide them with monthly money. In contrast, if their parents are elderly, it is almost they have to take care of them full-time because normal activities have become difficult and the elderly often get sick as a result they also have to pay other health expenses. All of this lead to the effect on children's life quality.

However, several measures can be taken to mitigate the a foresaid hurdles. One of the measure is that the government can expand retirement age standards. Many countries are adopting a standard retirement age of 55 years old and they may extend this age to 60 or 65 years old because the elderly are still healthy. Therefore, it will reduce the government's social welfare budget for retirees and reduce pressure on children because the elderly can be financially independent. Another measure is government should assist the aged citizens by prioritising them in some suitable jobs such as baby sitter, advisor gardener,…In fact, when older people have jobs that do not require too much effort and are suitable for their current condition, it not only helps them have financial independence and reduce pressure on their children, but also maintains their health because they can exercise frequently.
In conclusion, the rising life expectancy brings its own issues to the individual as well as to the society this leads to financial pressure for the government and children, directly affecting the quality of life of children. However, there are a range of measures can be taken to solve these issues, such as increasing retirement and arranging some less demanding jobs for elderly.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "ageing population– associated issues" -> "issues associated with an aging population"
    Explanation: Replacing "ageing population– associated issues" with "issues associated with an aging population" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the topic.

  2. "It is universally acknowledged that an growing number of individuals" -> "It is widely acknowledged that an increasing number of individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "universally" with "widely" and replacing "an growing" with "an increasing" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  3. "could result in several potential problems" -> "could give rise to various challenges"
    Explanation: Replacing "potential problems" with "various challenges" maintains clarity while using a more sophisticated term.

  4. "government have to suffer" -> "government has to bear"
    Explanation: Changing "government have to suffer" to "government has to bear" improves grammatical accuracy and introduces a more formal expression.

  5. "budget to pay welfare for elderly plus medical care automatically rise" -> "budget for elderly welfare and medical care automatically rises"
    Explanation: Adjusting the sentence structure for better coherence and replacing "to pay" with "for" results in a more polished and formal statement.

  6. "At the matter of fact" -> "In fact"
    Explanation: Replacing "At the matter of fact" with "In fact" eliminates redundancy and contributes to a smoother transition.

  7. "when the government be under an obligation" -> "when the government is obligated"
    Explanation: Changing "when the government be under an obligation" to "when the government is obligated" improves grammatical accuracy and formality.

  8. "impose greater faxes" -> "levy higher taxes"
    Explanation: Substituting "impose greater faxes" with "levy higher taxes" is more accurate and maintains a formal tone.

  9. "take care of their parents" -> "care for their parents"
    Explanation: Replacing "take care of their parents" with "care for their parents" is a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "in good health, their children must at least provide them with monthly money" -> "in good health, their children must provide them with financial support"
    Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by replacing "monthly money" with "financial support."

  11. "almost they have to take care of them full-time" -> "they almost have to take care of them full-time"
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order for grammatical accuracy in "almost they have to take care of them full-time."

  12. "it is almost they have to take care of them full-time" -> "they almost have to take care of them full-time"
    Explanation: Correcting the structure for grammatical accuracy in "it is almost they have to take care of them full-time."

  13. "lead to the effect on children’s life quality" -> "affect the quality of children’s lives"
    Explanation: Replacing "lead to the effect on children’s life quality" with "affect the quality of children’s lives" improves clarity and formality.

  14. "mitigate the a foresaid hurdles" -> "mitigate the aforementioned challenges"
    Explanation: Simplifying and using "aforementioned" instead of "a foresaid" enhances formality.

  15. "One of the measure is that" -> "One measure is that"
    Explanation: Correcting the plural form to singular by replacing "One of the measure is that" with "One measure is that."

  16. "advising gardener" -> "gardening advisor"
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order for accuracy, changing "advising gardener" to "gardening advisor."

  17. "have financial independence" -> "achieve financial independence"
    Explanation: Substituting "have financial independence" with "achieve financial independence" introduces a more formal and precise expression.

  18. "leads to financial pressure for the government and children" -> "results in financial strain for both the government and families"
    Explanation: Replacing "leads to financial pressure for the government and children" with "results in financial strain for both the government and families" offers a more comprehensive and formal statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the problems of an ageing population for individuals and society and suggests measures to mitigate these issues.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating further on the potential problems and solutions. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by acknowledging the potential drawbacks of an ageing population and suggesting specific measures to address the challenges.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph consistently aligns with the main argument. Additionally, explicitly state the thesis or main argument in the introduction for better clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, such as the financial pressure on the government and individuals. However, some ideas lack development and could benefit from more elaboration and examples.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion of each idea by providing detailed examples and explanations. This will strengthen the overall argument and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the issues and solutions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but may benefit from a more focused discussion on the problems associated with an ageing population and the proposed measures.
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, avoid unnecessary repetition and ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to addressing the prompt. Stay mindful of the overall coherence and relevance of each point.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing the problems posed by an ageing population and proposing measures to mitigate these challenges. To improve, the essay could benefit from more specific examples, a clearer thesis statement, and further development of ideas. Additionally, maintaining a high level of coherence and relevance throughout will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It opens with an introduction that establishes the relevance of the aging population issue. The body paragraphs discuss potential problems and suggested measures. However, the progression of ideas could be more streamlined. For instance, the transition between discussing the problems and proposing solutions is somewhat abrupt. Additionally, there’s room for improvement in the internal organization of paragraphs, as some ideas could be more effectively connected.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider establishing clearer connections between ideas. Smoothly transition from discussing problems to proposing solutions. Within paragraphs, ensure a coherent progression of thoughts, with each sentence building upon the previous one. This will contribute to a more seamless organization of information.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be refined. Some paragraphs address multiple ideas without a clear division, impacting readability. For instance, the paragraph discussing government budgetary issues combines different aspects, making it less focused. Effective paragraphing contributes significantly to coherence, and there’s an opportunity here to improve the structure for better clarity and organization.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-defined paragraphs, each centered around a single main idea. Ensure a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by supporting details. This will improve the overall organization and make it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s progression.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas and guide the reader. However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be enhanced. There’s a tendency to rely on basic transitions, and some connections between sentences and ideas are not as seamless as they could be.
    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices to include a variety of conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional expressions. This will create a smoother and more sophisticated flow between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to the logical relationships between ideas, using cohesive devices to strengthen connections and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refinements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can contribute to a more polished and effective presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, including terms like "ageing population," "drawbacks," "financial pressure," and "retirement age standards." However, there is room for improvement in the variety of vocabulary used, and some words are repeated throughout the essay (e.g., "financial pressure" and "elderly"). Additionally, certain phrases are somewhat awkward, impacting the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score, aim for greater diversity in vocabulary. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "financial pressure," consider alternatives such as "economic burden" or "financial strain." Be cautious about the usage of words; for instance, "the a foresaid hurdles" is a bit awkward, and using "aforementioned" would be more formal and precise.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There is a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For example, the term "a number of unexpected drawbacks" is somewhat vague. On the other hand, the essay uses more precise terms like "retirement age standards" and "budgetary stress." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more specific to convey ideas accurately.
    • How to improve: Work on using more precise and contextually fitting words. Instead of "a number of unexpected drawbacks," consider specifying the drawbacks to provide a clearer picture. For instance, mention "financial burdens on the government" or "increased caregiving responsibilities for the youth." Precision enhances the clarity and depth of your argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good, but there are instances of minor errors, such as "faxes" instead of "taxes" and "a foresaid" instead of "aforementioned." These errors do not significantly impede understanding, but they should be addressed for a higher score.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essays carefully to catch these minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to enhance spelling accuracy. Pay close attention to commonly confused words, like "faxes" and "taxes," to ensure precise and error-free writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is a mix of sentence types, such as simple and compound sentences, the use of more complex structures, such as complex-compound sentences or varied clause structures, is limited. There is also a tendency to rely on basic transitional phrases, which impacts the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions, such as using subordination and coordination effectively. Additionally, experiment with diverse transitional phrases to improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay. For example, explore the use of introductory adverbial phrases or adverbial clauses to add depth to the sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. One notable issue is the inconsistent use of verb tenses throughout the essay, affecting the overall clarity of the message. Additionally, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, such as in the phrase "the government have to suffer," where "have" should be replaced with "has." Punctuation marks, especially commas, are frequently misused, leading to confusion in sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To address grammatical issues, pay close attention to verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement. Proofread the essay for these specific errors. Regarding punctuation, review the rules for comma usage, ensuring correct placement to enhance sentence structure and coherence. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and correct specific punctuation errors. For example, in the sentence "there is no denying that the increase in average life expectancy could give rise to a number of unexpected drawbacks," a comma after "denying" would improve readability.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably broad vocabulary and an attempt to address the prompt comprehensively, refining sentence structures and addressing grammatical errors would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay, potentially leading to an improved Band Score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Over the past decades, issues associated with an aging population have consistently garnered public attention and sparked debates. It is widely acknowledged that an increasing number of individuals in industrialized nations now live longer lives than in the past. While this trend could give rise to various challenges for both individuals and society, there are certain possible steps that can be introduced to address these issues.

There is no denying that the increase in average life expectancy could result in several potential drawbacks. Firstly, the government has to bear the burden of an expanding budget to cover welfare for the elderly, with automatic rises in medical care costs. In fact, when the government is obligated to provide for retirement funds, it places financial pressure on the budget, prompting states to potentially levy higher taxes and create budgetary stress for working adults. Secondly, young people may face significant time, money, and energy commitments to care for their parents. For instance, if their parents are middle-aged, recently retired, and in good health, their children must at least provide them with monthly financial support. Conversely, if their parents are elderly, they almost have to take care of them full-time due to difficulties in normal activities and increased health expenses, impacting the quality of children’s lives.

However, there are several measures that can be implemented to mitigate the aforementioned challenges. One such measure is for the government to consider expanding retirement age standards. Many countries, with a current standard retirement age of 55 years old, may extend this age to 60 or 65 years old, particularly for healthy seniors. This would reduce the government’s social welfare budget for retirees and alleviate pressure on children, as the elderly can achieve financial independence. Another measure involves the government assisting aged citizens by prioritizing them in suitable jobs, such as babysitters or gardening advisors. In fact, when older people engage in jobs that do not demand excessive effort and align with their current conditions, it not only helps them attain financial independence and reduces pressure on their children but also maintains their health through regular exercise.

In conclusion, the rising life expectancy poses challenges for both individuals and society, leading to financial strain for the government and families, directly impacting the quality of children’s lives. Nonetheless, there are various measures that can be taken to address these issues, such as increasing retirement age standards and arranging less demanding jobs for the elderly.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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