Topic là CAUSE SOLUTION: More and more people today are drinking sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons for this? What are the s

There are many problems resulting from some people buy a car for the first time like financial, experience and many other things. One obvious issue is the financial of users. First, when customers want to buy a car, they have to pay a huge amount of money. In addition, they also have to pay other fees such as taxes, gasoline or car repair costs and many other expenses. If they have no experience buying a car, they will be shocked when they first buy it. Another potential risk is that traffic congestion and pollution. When many people buy cars, there will be more cars, meaning there will be a large number of cars emitting CO2. This leads to serious environmental pollution. In addition, there is a large number of cars participating in traffic causing traffic congestion.
Various measures, nevertheless, can be adopted to tackle the situation. The government should reduce some taxes when buying a car and car stores should explain the problem to car buyers. The second approach is that encourage users to buy electric cars and expand the road
In conclusion, although buy cars can give rise to many issues like expenses, taxes and many other things, steps can be taken to improve the situation are to advise users to buy electric cars and open up the road

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"some people buy a car for the first time" -> "some individuals purchase their first car"
Explanation: Replacing "buy a car for the first time" with "purchase their first car" elevates the formality of the language while maintaining clarity and precision.
"financial of users" -> "financial burden on users"
Explanation: "Financial of users" lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "financial burden on users" clarifies the impact of expenses associated with car ownership.
"they also have to pay other fees such as taxes, gasoline or car repair costs and many other expenses" -> "they also incur additional expenses such as taxes, gasoline, car repair costs, and various other fees"
Explanation: The revised phrase improves clarity and organization by listing expenses more comprehensively and using parallel structure.
"they will be shocked when they first buy it" -> "they may experience shock upon their initial purchase"
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and avoids the colloquialism "shocked" by using "may experience shock" and enhances clarity by specifying "initial purchase."
"Another potential risk is that traffic congestion and pollution." -> "Another potential concern is the exacerbation of traffic congestion and pollution."
Explanation: Replacing "risk" with "concern" and adding "exacerbation of" before "traffic congestion and pollution" provides a more nuanced description and maintains formality.
"When many people buy cars, there will be more cars, meaning there will be a large number of cars emitting CO2." -> "An increase in car purchases contributes to higher vehicle emissions, particularly CO2."
Explanation: The revision enhances clarity and conciseness by restructuring the sentence and specifying the emission type.
"This leads to serious environmental pollution." -> "This contributes to significant environmental degradation."
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and precise, using "contributes to" instead of "leads to" and "environmental degradation" instead of "environmental pollution."
"there is a large number of cars participating in traffic causing traffic congestion." -> "a significant number of cars contributing to traffic congestion."
Explanation: The revision maintains formality and clarity by rephrasing to avoid redundancy and improve flow.
"Various measures, nevertheless, can be adopted to tackle the situation." -> "Several measures, however, can be implemented to address the issue."
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality while using "implemented" instead of "adopted" for clarity and precision.
"The government should reduce some taxes when buying a car" -> "The government should consider reducing certain taxes associated with car purchases."
Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the government’s role in tax reduction and uses "certain taxes" for specificity.
"car stores should explain the problem to car buyers" -> "dealerships should educate prospective buyers about potential challenges."
Explanation: The revised phrase uses "dealerships" instead of "car stores" for formality and employs "educate" instead of "explain the problem" for clarity and precision.
"The second approach is that encourage users to buy electric cars and expand the road" -> "Another approach involves promoting the adoption of electric vehicles and expanding infrastructure."
Explanation: The revised phrase improves clarity and formality by specifying "promoting the adoption of electric vehicles" and restructuring the sentence.
"although buy cars can give rise to many issues like expenses, taxes and many other things" -> "While purchasing cars can lead to various issues such as expenses and taxes"
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and clarity by restructuring the sentence and specifying the issues without using the informal phrase "many other things."
"steps can be taken to improve the situation are to advise users to buy electric cars and open up the road" -> "Steps that can be taken to improve the situation include encouraging the adoption of electric vehicles and expanding road infrastructure."
Explanation: The revised phrase improves clarity and formality by specifying the steps and restructuring the sentence for coherence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing reasons why people are increasingly consuming sugar-based drinks. However, it fails to fully explore all aspects of the question, particularly the reasons behind the trend. The essay focuses primarily on problems associated with buying cars, which deviates from the prompt’s topic.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a comprehensive analysis of the prompt by directly addressing all components. Clearly outline reasons for the increasing consumption of sugar-based drinks, such as marketing influence, lifestyle changes, or societal norms.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear stance on the issue of sugar-based drink consumption, as it primarily discusses problems related to purchasing cars. There is no consistent position maintained regarding the topic.
- How to improve: Maintain a clear and consistent position throughout the essay by directly addressing the topic of sugar-based drink consumption. Clearly state whether the trend is positive or negative, and support this position with relevant arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the problems associated with buying cars, including financial burdens and environmental concerns. However, these ideas are not relevant to the prompt about sugar-based drink consumption. Additionally, the ideas presented lack elaboration and support.
- How to improve: Ensure ideas presented are directly relevant to the topic. Elaborate on each idea by providing examples, statistics, or real-life scenarios to strengthen the argument. Support claims with evidence to enhance credibility and persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay strays significantly from the given topic of sugar-based drink consumption. Instead, it focuses on issues related to purchasing cars, such as financial burdens and environmental pollution. This deviation indicates a lack of focus and relevance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, carefully analyze the prompt and ensure all discussion points relate directly to sugar-based drink consumption. Avoid introducing unrelated topics or examples that detract from the main argument.

Overall, to improve the essay and achieve a higher band score, it is crucial to address the prompt directly, maintain a clear and consistent position, present relevant ideas with adequate support, and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay. Additionally, expanding on the reasons behind the trend of sugar-based drink consumption and providing practical solutions would enhance the depth and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at organization but lacks a clear and coherent structure. Ideas are presented without a logical progression, leading to confusion for the reader. For instance, the essay begins by discussing the financial aspects of buying a car, then abruptly shifts to discussing environmental concerns without a smooth transition. This lack of coherence affects the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the essay should follow a clear structure with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed, followed by body paragraphs focusing on individual reasons for the increase in sugar-based drink consumption and potential solutions. Ensure that ideas are logically connected, with smooth transitions between paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. Paragraphs are inconsistently structured and lack cohesion within themselves. For example, the paragraph discussing financial issues related to car ownership contains multiple ideas without clear separation, leading to a lack of clarity. Additionally, there is a lack of transition between paragraphs, making it difficult for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs around a single main idea or argument, with supporting details and examples. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting sentences that provide further explanation or evidence. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases to connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in cohesive devices, relying primarily on simple conjunctions such as "and" and "but" to connect ideas. While some cohesive devices are used, their effectiveness is limited, leading to a lack of coherence in the essay. For instance, transitions between ideas are often abrupt, making it challenging for the reader to follow the flow of the argument.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns. Utilize cohesive devices such as "therefore," "however," "furthermore," and "in conclusion" to signal shifts in ideas and create a more cohesive narrative. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used effectively to maintain coherence and guide the reader through the essay’s structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "financial," "experience," "traffic congestion," "pollution," "emitting CO2," "environmental pollution," "various measures," "government," "electric cars," and "expanding the road." However, the vocabulary lacks diversity and sophistication. For instance, there is repetition of phrases like "buy a car" and "many other things," which could be replaced with more specific and varied vocabulary to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve lexical resource, aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary, including synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terminology. Avoid repetitive phrases and explore nuanced vocabulary choices to convey ideas more precisely. For example, instead of repeatedly using "buy a car," consider using alternatives such as "purchase a vehicle," "acquire an automobile," or "invest in a car."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage, particularly in terms related to the topic, such as "financial," "traffic congestion," and "environmental pollution." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "many other things" is vague and lacks specificity, diminishing the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive to use terms that precisely convey the intended meaning. Avoid vague or general terms that can weaken the clarity of your argument. Instead, opt for specific and descriptive language that effectively communicates your ideas. Consider replacing ambiguous phrases with precise terminology or providing specific examples to elucidate your points further.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates adequate spelling accuracy overall. However, there are some instances of spelling errors, such as "financial" instead of "finances" and "encourage" instead of "encouraging." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, improving spelling accuracy would enhance the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and practice spelling words correctly in context. Reviewing and editing your work carefully before submission can help minimize spelling errors and ensure greater accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex sentence structures, which limits the variety and sophistication of the writing. Most sentences follow a basic subject-verb-object pattern without much variation.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and sophistication of the essay, the writer should incorporate a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases to provide more depth and complexity to the writing. Additionally, varying sentence lengths can add rhythm and flow to the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the text. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("problems resulting from some people buy"), tense consistency ("they also have to pay" should be "they also have to pay"), and word choice ("when many people buy cars" should be "when many people buy cars"). Additionally, there are missing articles ("the financial of users" should be "the financial burden on users") and punctuation errors (missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and word choice. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, reviewing grammar rules related to articles (definite and indefinite) and punctuation (comma usage in compound sentences) can improve the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also provide valuable insights for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are several issues associated with individuals purchasing their first car, including financial concerns, lack of experience, and other factors. One significant challenge is the financial burden on buyers. Initially, customers must invest a considerable amount of money in purchasing a car. Additionally, they incur additional expenses such as taxes, gasoline, car repair costs, and various other fees. For those unfamiliar with the process of buying a car, they may experience shock upon their initial purchase.

Another potential concern is the exacerbation of traffic congestion and pollution. An increase in car purchases contributes to higher vehicle emissions, particularly CO2, leading to significant environmental degradation. Moreover, a significant number of cars contribute to traffic congestion.

Several measures, however, can be implemented to address the issue. The government should consider reducing certain taxes associated with car purchases to alleviate financial strain on buyers. Furthermore, dealerships should educate prospective buyers about potential challenges, including environmental impacts and traffic congestion.

Another approach involves promoting the adoption of electric vehicles and expanding infrastructure to support them. By encouraging the transition to electric cars, emissions can be reduced, mitigating environmental pollution. Moreover, expanding road infrastructure can help alleviate traffic congestion, providing smoother transportation for all.

In conclusion, while purchasing cars can lead to various issues such as expenses and taxes, steps that can be taken to improve the situation include encouraging the adoption of electric vehicles and expanding road infrastructure.