Topic: Some people believe that your personality doesn’t change over time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give relevant examples to support your argument.

Personality is one of the things that help us project ourselves, so there is a belief that it is a permanent factor. I partly agree with this opinion yet due to the outside factors that can impact our traits, and the uniqueness of every individual discussed below.

First, personality is not fixed as it can be altered through our life. This is mainly because we almost have a chance to stay in different environments in which we need to develop our adaptability to be easily integrated, like schools and workplaces. For instance, we tend to become more confident through our school time instead of being shy due to the effect of school assignment relating to public speaking and teamwork. Moreover, facing life’s difficulties also lead us to become our better versions, like losing some opportunities due to carelessness or losing some relationships because of having unreasonable anger. Thanks to such things, we know how to adjust our shortcomings and stay civil.

However, personality is also what defines who we are, so what would happen if everyone had the same qualities? Hence, it is important to maintain inborn traits which will contribute to our distinctions in a community. On the contrary, our features should be maintained in a positive way instead of having some conservative perceptions, which may restrain our developments.

To conclude, I believe that our personalities are both changeable and unchangeable, it depends on our aims. It is better for us to stay flexible and keep balance between gaining more social skills and keeping our unique characteristics while trying to improve our defects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Personality is one of the things that help us project ourselves" -> "Personality is a key aspect that helps us present ourselves"
Explanation: Replacing "things that help us project ourselves" with "a key aspect that helps us present ourselves" refines the phrase to sound more formal and precise, aligning better with academic language.
"there is a belief that it is a permanent factor" -> "it is widely believed that it is a permanent factor"
Explanation: Changing "there is a belief" to "it is widely believed" enhances the formality and specificity of the statement, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"I partly agree with this opinion" -> "I partially concur with this perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "partly agree" with "partially concur" uses more formal vocabulary, and "perspective" is a more academic term than "opinion."
"due to the outside factors that can impact our traits" -> "owing to external factors that can influence our traits"
Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "due to," and "external factors" is a more precise term than "outside factors."
"almost have a chance to stay" -> "have a chance to remain"
Explanation: "Almost have a chance to stay" is awkward and unclear; "have a chance to remain" is more direct and formal.
"we need to develop our adaptability to be easily integrated" -> "we must cultivate our adaptability to facilitate integration"
Explanation: "Cultivate" is more precise than "develop," and "facilitate integration" is a more formal expression than "be easily integrated."
"we tend to become more confident through our school time" -> "we tend to become more confident during our school years"
Explanation: "During our school years" is a more formal and precise way to describe the timeframe.
"due to the effect of school assignment relating to public speaking and teamwork" -> "due to the impact of school assignments involving public speaking and teamwork"
Explanation: "Impact" is more formal than "effect," and "involving" is more precise than "relating to."
"losing some opportunities due to carelessness or losing some relationships because of having unreasonable anger" -> "losing opportunities due to carelessness or relationships due to unreasonable anger"
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure improves clarity and formality.
"Thanks to such things" -> "thanks to these experiences"
Explanation: "Experiences" is a more specific and formal term than "things," which is vague and informal.
"what would happen if everyone had the same qualities?" -> "what would occur if everyone possessed the same qualities?"
Explanation: "Occur" is more formal than "happen," and "possessed" is more precise than "had."
"it is important to maintain inborn traits" -> "it is crucial to preserve innate traits"
Explanation: "Crucial" and "preserve" are more formal and precise than "important" and "maintain," respectively.
"our features should be maintained in a positive way" -> "our features should be cultivated positively"
Explanation: "Cultivated positively" is a more formal and precise expression than "maintained in a positive way."
"having some conservative perceptions" -> "holding conservative views"
Explanation: "Holding conservative views" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.
"trying to improve our defects" -> "seeking to address our shortcomings"
Explanation: "Seeking to address our shortcomings" is more formal and academically appropriate than "trying to improve our defects."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both sides of the argument regarding whether personality changes over time. The writer states a partial agreement, which is a valid approach. The first paragraph effectively discusses how personality can change due to environmental influences, such as school and workplace experiences. However, the second paragraph introduces the idea of maintaining inborn traits without fully elaborating on how this supports the argument. The conclusion reiterates the mixed stance but lacks a clear summary of the main points made.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly addressed. This could involve providing more concrete examples of how personality traits can both change and remain stable over time. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the two sides in the conclusion would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position of partial agreement with the notion that personality can change. However, the transition between discussing change and the importance of maintaining certain traits could be smoother. The phrase "it depends on our aims" in the conclusion is somewhat vague and does not reinforce the position effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link back to the main argument throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases that clarify the relationship between changing traits and inherent characteristics would help. Additionally, a more definitive statement in the conclusion that encapsulates the writer’s stance would provide clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the influence of school on confidence and the impact of life experiences on personality development. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient examples. For instance, while the writer mentions "losing relationships due to unreasonable anger," this point could be expanded with a specific example or scenario to illustrate the impact of such experiences on personality.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each point made should be followed by a specific instance or a deeper analysis to strengthen the argument. This could involve personal anecdotes or hypothetical situations that clearly illustrate the points being made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the nature of personality and its potential for change. However, some sentences, particularly in the second paragraph, introduce ideas that feel slightly tangential, such as the notion of everyone having the same qualities, which could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence directly relates to the main argument regarding personality change. Avoiding general statements that do not directly support the thesis will help keep the essay on track. A clear outline before writing could assist in organizing thoughts and ensuring relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the nature of personality, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance. The main body consists of two paragraphs that discuss the changeability of personality and the importance of maintaining certain traits. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing adaptability in different environments to the importance of inborn traits feels abrupt and could benefit from clearer linking phrases to guide the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," to better connect contrasting ideas. Additionally, a more structured approach, such as clearly delineating the arguments for and against the changeability of personality, could improve coherence. A brief summary sentence at the end of each paragraph could also reinforce the main point before transitioning to the next idea.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which is a positive aspect. The first paragraph effectively discusses the argument for changeability, while the second addresses the need to maintain certain traits. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. The second paragraph introduces new ideas that could be better developed in a separate paragraph, particularly the discussion on the importance of inborn traits and the potential negative effects of conservatism.
- How to improve: Consider separating the ideas into three distinct paragraphs: one for the argument that personality can change, one for the argument that some traits should remain constant, and a concluding paragraph that synthesizes these ideas. This will create a clearer structure and allow for more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, the use of "first," "second," and "moreover" is effective, but the essay lacks devices that indicate contrast or conclusion, such as "nevertheless," "in contrast," or "ultimately."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a broader range of linking words. For instance, when introducing a counterargument, use phrases like "on the contrary" or "despite this." Additionally, when concluding, phrases like "in summary" or "to sum up" can help reinforce the overall argument and provide a clearer closure to the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "adaptability," "integrated," and "inborn traits." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For example, phrases like "better versions" and "unique characteristics" are somewhat generic and could be replaced with more sophisticated synonyms or expressions to enhance the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied vocabulary and expressions. For instance, instead of "better versions," consider using "enhanced selves" or "improved identities." Additionally, exploring synonyms for common words can help diversify the language used, such as replacing "important" with "crucial" or "paramount."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the writer generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "having unreasonable anger" could be more accurately expressed as "experiencing uncontrolled anger" or "exhibiting irrational anger." The phrase "maintain inborn traits" could also be more clearly articulated as "preserve innate qualities."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning more accurately. This can be achieved by reviewing vocabulary in context and considering whether the chosen words truly reflect the intended message. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building resources can also aid in finding more precise alternatives.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "stay civil," which could be misinterpreted. While the spelling is correct, the phrase may not convey the intended meaning clearly in this context.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy and clarity, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling through writing exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling habits. Additionally, reading extensively can expose the writer to correct spelling in context, aiding retention.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and clarity. By actively expanding vocabulary, refining word choice, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their overall performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "This is mainly because we almost have a chance to stay in different environments in which we need to develop our adaptability to be easily integrated" showcases an ability to convey intricate ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the opening sentences of paragraphs, which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This is mainly because," you could use alternatives like "One reason for this is that…" or "An important factor contributing to this is…". Additionally, experimenting with inversion or conditional structures could further enrich the essay’s complexity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few notable errors. For example, in the phrase "due to the outside factors that can impact our traits, and the uniqueness of every individual discussed below," the comma before "and" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. Additionally, phrases like "losing some opportunities due to carelessness or losing some relationships because of having unreasonable anger" could be streamlined for clarity and conciseness. The use of punctuation is mostly correct, but there are moments where clarity could be improved with better punctuation choices.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on eliminating unnecessary commas and ensuring that conjunctions are used correctly. Reviewing sentence structure for clarity can also help; for instance, rephrasing "losing some relationships because of having unreasonable anger" to "losing relationships due to unreasonable anger" would enhance readability. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can also help identify and rectify common errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Personality is a key aspect that helps us present ourselves, leading to the belief that it is a permanent factor. I partially concur with this perspective, owing to external factors that can influence our traits, as well as the uniqueness of every individual, which I will discuss below.

First, personality is not fixed; it can be altered throughout our lives. This is mainly because we often have a chance to remain in different environments where we need to cultivate our adaptability to facilitate integration, such as schools and workplaces. For instance, we tend to become more confident during our school years instead of remaining shy, due to the impact of school assignments involving public speaking and teamwork. Moreover, facing life’s difficulties also leads us to become better versions of ourselves, such as losing opportunities due to carelessness or relationships due to unreasonable anger. Thanks to these experiences, we learn how to adjust our shortcomings and maintain civility.

However, personality is also what defines who we are. What would occur if everyone possessed the same qualities? Hence, it is crucial to preserve innate traits, as they contribute to our distinctions within a community. On the contrary, our features should be cultivated positively rather than being held back by conservative views, which may restrain our development.

To conclude, I believe that our personalities are both changeable and unchangeable, depending on our aims. It is beneficial for us to remain flexible and strike a balance between gaining social skills and preserving our unique characteristics while seeking to address our shortcomings.