TOPIC: WHEN CHOOSING A JOB, THE SALARY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE AND DISAGREE?

Many people choose the jobs base on the size of the salary offered. Personally, I disagree with the idea that money is play the most important when choosing a job, because I believe that other factors are equally important.

On the one hand, I agree that money is essential in order to meet their basic needs for reasonable quality of life. For example, people have to work to raise a family, pay for housing, food, bills and health care and education; therefore, they would like to decide a career that have a maximum wage to allow them to cover these needs. If they choose a work which is based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they can find it difficult to live in the big city. So, they have to earn as much as they can and think that money is outweights all other motivations.

On the other hand, people would like to have a career path is not depend on financial factors. They find a job which has an atmosphere in a workplace, build relationships and contribute something positive to society than base on the size of the salary. For constance, having a good manager or friendly collagues can make a huge difference to worker’s levels of happiness and general professional achievements, the skills they learn like communication skills, problem-solving skills, the position they reach, rather than the money they earn.

In a nutshell, while salaries certainly affect people’s choice of profession, I do not believe that money outweighs at all motivations

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Many people choose the jobs base on the size of the salary offered." -> "Many individuals select jobs based on the salary offered."
Explanation: Replacing "choose the jobs base on" with "select jobs based on" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more formal verb "select" instead of the less formal "choose."
"Personally, I disagree with the idea that money is play the most important when choosing a job" -> "Personally, I disagree with the notion that money is the most important factor in choosing a job"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error "money is play" to "money is the most important factor" and replaces "when" with "in" for correct prepositional usage, enhancing clarity and formality.
"because I believe that other factors are equally important" -> "because I believe that other factors are equally significant"
Explanation: Replacing "important" with "significant" refines the language to better suit an academic tone, emphasizing the importance of the factors beyond just their importance.
"people have to work to raise a family, pay for housing, food, bills and health care and education" -> "individuals must work to support their families, pay for housing, food, utilities, healthcare, and education"
Explanation: "Individuals must work" is more formal than "people have to work," and "support their families" is more precise than "raise a family." Also, "bills" is vague; "utilities" is a more specific term.
"they would like to decide a career that have a maximum wage" -> "they seek to choose a career with the highest possible salary"
Explanation: "Seek to choose" is more formal than "would like to decide," and "with the highest possible salary" is more precise than "that have a maximum wage."
"If they choose a work which is based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they can find it difficult to live in the big city" -> "If they choose a career based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they may struggle to afford living in a large city"
Explanation: "Struggle to afford" is more precise than "find it difficult," and "a large city" is more specific than "the big city."
"So, they have to earn as much as they can and think that money is outweights all other motivations" -> "Therefore, they must earn as much as possible and consider that financial gain outweighs all other motivations"
Explanation: "Therefore" is more formal than "So," and "must earn as much as possible" is more precise than "have to earn as much as they can." Also, "consider that financial gain outweighs" is more formal and clear than "think that money is outweights."
"They find a job which has an atmosphere in a workplace, build relationships and contribute something positive to society than base on the size of the salary" -> "They seek a job with a favorable work environment, build relationships, and contribute positively to society, rather than basing their decision on salary"
Explanation: "Seek a job with a favorable work environment" is more formal and specific than "find a job which has an atmosphere in a workplace." Also, "rather than basing their decision on salary" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity.
"For constance, having a good manager or friendly collagues" -> "For instance, having a good manager or friendly colleagues"
Explanation: "For instance" is the correct phrase for providing an example, and "colleagues" is the correct plural form of "colleague."
"the skills they learn like communication skills, problem-solving skills, the position they reach, rather than the money they earn" -> "the skills they acquire, such as communication and problem-solving skills, the positions they attain, rather than the salary they receive"
Explanation: "Acquire" and "attain" are more formal than "learn" and "reach," and "such as" is more appropriate than "like" for listing examples. Also, "salary they receive" is more formal than "money they earn."
"I do not believe that money outweighs at all motivations" -> "I do not believe that money outweighs all other motivations"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error "at all" to "all other," ensuring the correct usage of the phrase.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding the importance of salary when choosing a job. The writer acknowledges that salary is a significant factor for many individuals, particularly in meeting basic needs. However, the essay also presents the opposing viewpoint that other factors, such as workplace atmosphere and personal fulfillment, are equally important. This dual perspective is essential for a balanced response to the prompt. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit statement of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the prompt, as this is a key requirement of the task.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their stance on the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For example, stating "I partially agree that salary is important, but I believe other factors are equally significant" would provide clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that disagrees with the notion that salary is the most important consideration. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, while the first paragraph supports the importance of salary, the transition to discussing non-financial factors lacks a strong connective statement that reiterates the writer’s overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use transitional phrases that link back to their main argument. Phrases like "Despite the importance of salary, it is crucial to consider…" can help reinforce the overall stance and guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the necessity of salary for basic needs and the importance of workplace environment. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the examples provided are general and could be more specific or detailed to strengthen the argument. The phrase "having a good manager or friendly colleagues" could be expanded with specific examples or research findings to illustrate the impact of these factors on job satisfaction.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating statistics, studies, or personal anecdotes can make the arguments more compelling. For example, discussing a study that shows the correlation between job satisfaction and workplace relationships would provide stronger support for the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing salary and non-financial factors in job choice. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the phrase "they can find it difficult to live in the big city" introduces a new idea about living conditions that is not fully explored or connected back to the main argument about job choice.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of salary versus other factors in job choice. Avoiding tangential statements and ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument will help keep the essay on topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a balanced view, improvements can be made in clarity of position, depth of argumentation, and focus on the topic to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with a distinct introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first body paragraph discusses the importance of salary, while the second highlights non-financial factors. This logical division helps the reader follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, some ideas within the paragraphs could be better connected. For instance, the transition from discussing financial needs to the challenges of living in a big city could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that encapsulate the main idea. Additionally, use transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "Moreover") to connect sentences and ideas more fluidly, which will guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer internal structure. For example, the ideas about workplace atmosphere and relationships could be organized into separate sentences or even sub-points to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. Consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences or bullet points to improve readability. This will help maintain focus and ensure that each point is adequately developed.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, phrases like "for example" and "in a nutshell" are used, but the essay could benefit from a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, use "additionally," "in addition," or "conversely" to connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between sentences. This will improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further improve the clarity and effectiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "essential," "basic needs," "career path," and "professional achievements." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "money is essential" and "size of the salary." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the essay’s lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate a broader range of vocabulary related to employment and job satisfaction. For example, instead of repeatedly using "money" and "salary," they could use terms like "compensation," "remuneration," or "financial rewards." Additionally, employing more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could add depth to the arguments presented.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "money is play the most important" which should be "money plays the most important role." The phrase "outweights all other motivations" is also incorrect; the correct term is "outweighs." Such errors can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and ensure that phrases are correctly structured. It would be beneficial to review common collocations and phrases related to job selection and financial considerations. For example, instead of "a career path is not depend on financial factors," it should be "a career path that does not depend on financial factors."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "base" instead of "based," "constance" instead of "instance," and "collagues" instead of "colleagues." These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and may lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice writing and proofreading their work more carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there are notable areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing these issues, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences present. For example, phrases like "people choose the jobs base on the size of the salary offered" and "they would like to decide a career that have a maximum wage" reflect a basic sentence structure. The use of phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but the overall variety is insufficient for a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "people have to work to raise a family," the writer could say, "Although people have to work to raise a family, many also seek fulfillment in their careers." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: There are several grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout the essay. For example, "the jobs base on the size of the salary offered" should be "the jobs based on the size of the salary offered." Additionally, "money is play the most important" should be corrected to "money plays the most important role." Punctuation errors are also present, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which affects clarity. For instance, in the sentence "they can find it difficult to live in the big city," a comma before "and" would improve readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can help. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding the use of commas, especially in compound sentences. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion, improving the variety of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality and potentially increase the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many people choose jobs based on the size of the salary offered. Personally, I disagree with the idea that money plays the most important role when choosing a job, because I believe that other factors are equally important.

On the one hand, I agree that money is essential in order to meet basic needs for a reasonable quality of life. For example, people have to work to raise a family, pay for housing, food, bills, healthcare, and education; therefore, they would like to choose a career that has a maximum wage to allow them to cover these needs. If they choose a job based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they may find it difficult to live in a big city. So, they have to earn as much as they can and think that money outweighs all other motivations.

On the other hand, people would like to have a career path that does not depend solely on financial factors. They seek a job that has a positive atmosphere in the workplace, allows them to build relationships, and enables them to contribute something positive to society, rather than basing their decision on the size of the salary. For instance, having a good manager or friendly colleagues can make a huge difference to workers’ levels of happiness and general professional achievements. The skills they learn, like communication skills and problem-solving skills, and the positions they attain, are often more important than the money they earn.

In a nutshell, while salaries certainly affect people’s choice of profession, I do not believe that money outweighs all other motivations.