Tuan Kiet

Tuan Kiet

In recent years, the use of surveillance cameras by government agencies to alleviate crime in public has been receiving a great deal of public attention. This would create certain benefits but there will also be some drawbacks.
On the one hand, there are numerous advantages to using surveillance cameras. First and foremost, cameras can make people feel safer in public spaces, knowing there’s a system in place to protect them. For example, Ho Thi Ky Market is a popular destination for young generations and foreign visitors, so it is always crowded. Unfortunately, this place attracts criminal activities like pickpocketing, robbery, and theft. However, with the installation of many cameras, it becomes much easier to prevent and detect these crimes. Additionally, surveillance footage can serve as valuable evidence in solving crimes, identifying suspects, and supporting legal proceedings. For instance, a recent car accident occurred in District 10, and the perpetrator fled the scene. Fortunately, the government had installed cameras in the area, which made it possible to quickly identify the suspect through footage retrieval.
On the other hand, there are several downsides to using surveillance cameras. Initially, the high costs of installing and maintaining these systems can be significant, both in terms of equipment and staffing. Since most cameras are installed outdoors, they are exposed to elements like sunlight and oxidation, which can cause damage. This may lead to unclear or distorted recordings, requiring additional funds for repairs and upkeep to maintain high-quality footage. Furthermore, cameras alone may not prevent crime, especially if criminals are unaware of the surveillance or don't fear repercussions. The government should implement strict laws to hold criminals accountable when detected by surveillance cameras. Ultimately, if we fail to integrate surveillance systems with strict regulations, the rise in criminal activity may persist in the long term.
In conclusion, the use of cameras to reduce the number of criminals could have certain positive aspects which is the increasing of public safety and evidence collections. Besides that, its negative ones should not be overlooked such as the high costs and the limited effectiveness.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "the use of surveillance cameras by government agencies to alleviate crime in public" -> "the deployment of surveillance cameras by government agencies to combat crime in public spaces"
   Explanation: "Deploy" is a more precise term than "use" in this context, and "combat" is more specific than "alleviate," which can imply reducing the severity rather than addressing the issue directly. "Public spaces" is a more formal and specific term than "public."

2. "has been receiving a great deal of public attention" -> "has garnered significant public attention"
   Explanation: "Garnered" is a more formal and precise verb than "receiving," and "significant" is a more academic term than "great deal."

3. "there will also be some drawbacks" -> "there will also be certain drawbacks"
   Explanation: "Certain" is more formal and precise than "some," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

4. "make people feel safer" -> "enhance public safety"
   Explanation: "Enhance public safety" is a more formal and succinct way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "make people feel safer."

5. "knowing there’s a system in place to protect them" -> "aware that a protective system is in place"
   Explanation: "Aware that a protective system is in place" is more formal and avoids the contraction "there’s," which is not suitable for academic writing.

6. "it becomes much easier" -> "it becomes significantly easier"
   Explanation: "Significantly" is more precise and formal than "much," which is somewhat informal and vague.

7. "solving crimes, identifying suspects, and supporting legal proceedings" -> "resolving crimes, identifying perpetrators, and facilitating legal proceedings"
   Explanation: "Resolving" is more specific than "solving," and "perpetrators" is more precise than "suspects," which can be too general. "Facilitating" is also more formal than "supporting."

8. "the government had installed cameras" -> "the government had deployed cameras"
   Explanation: "Deployed" is more specific and formal than "installed" in this context, indicating a strategic placement of cameras.

9. "the high costs of installing and maintaining these systems" -> "the substantial costs of deploying and maintaining these systems"
   Explanation: "Substantial" is a more formal adjective than "high," and "deploying" is more precise than "installing" in the context of surveillance systems.

10. "exposed to elements like sunlight and oxidation" -> "exposed to environmental factors such as sunlight and oxidation"
    Explanation: "Environmental factors" is a more formal and encompassing term than "elements," which is too vague and informal.

11. "which can cause damage" -> "which may cause damage"
    Explanation: "May" is more appropriate than "can" in formal writing, as it implies possibility rather than certainty.

12. "the increasing of public safety and evidence collections" -> "the enhancement of public safety and evidence collection"
    Explanation: "Enhancement" is more precise than "increasing," and "evidence collection" is grammatically correct and more formal than "evidence collections."

13. "its negative ones should not be overlooked" -> "its drawbacks should not be overlooked"
    Explanation: "Drawbacks" is a more formal and precise term than "negative ones," which is colloquial and vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt regarding the use of surveillance cameras by government agencies to combat crime. It presents both advantages and disadvantages, fulfilling the requirement to discuss multiple perspectives. The examples provided, such as the Ho Thi Ky Market and the car accident in District 10, illustrate the points made about safety and evidence collection. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating that the essay will discuss both sides, as it only mentions "certain benefits" and "some drawbacks" without explicitly outlining them.
  • How to improve: To enhance the clarity of addressing all parts of the question, the introduction could explicitly state that the essay will explore both the benefits and drawbacks of surveillance cameras. A more structured outline in the introduction can guide the reader on what to expect, thereby improving coherence.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a balanced view throughout, presenting both sides of the argument without leaning too heavily in favor of one. The position is clear, particularly in the conclusion, where it summarizes both the positive and negative aspects. However, the phrase "could have certain positive aspects" in the conclusion could be interpreted as ambiguous, slightly undermining the overall clarity of the position.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the conclusion could be more assertive. Instead of using tentative language, the writer could confidently state that while surveillance cameras have significant benefits, their drawbacks must also be critically considered. This would reinforce a clear stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, using specific examples to extend points made. The advantages of surveillance cameras are well-supported with real-life examples, which enhance the credibility of the arguments. The discussion of costs and limitations also provides a balanced view. However, some ideas could be further elaborated, particularly the suggestion that "cameras alone may not prevent crime." This point could benefit from additional examples or explanations to deepen the analysis.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer could include more detailed examples or statistics regarding the effectiveness of surveillance cameras in crime prevention. Additionally, discussing potential solutions or alternatives to address the limitations of surveillance could provide a more comprehensive analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the use of surveillance cameras and their impact on crime. However, the mention of "strict laws to hold criminals accountable" could be seen as slightly tangential, as it introduces a new concept that is not directly related to the primary focus on surveillance cameras.
  • How to improve: To maintain tighter focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the role of surveillance cameras. If discussing laws, it would be beneficial to explain how these laws would interact with the use of surveillance, thereby keeping the discussion cohesive and on topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively communicates ideas, but with some adjustments in clarity, elaboration, and focus, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two sides of the argument. Each paragraph effectively addresses either the advantages or disadvantages of surveillance cameras. The use of examples, such as Ho Thi Ky Market and the car accident in District 10, supports the points made. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to enhance the overall logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly signal shifts between points. For instance, phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help clarify the transition from discussing benefits to drawbacks. Additionally, summarizing the key points at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the logical connections between ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to advantages and another to disadvantages. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples. However, the conclusion paragraph could be more distinct and structured, as it currently blends into the previous content without a strong summarizing statement.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. In the conclusion, explicitly restate the main points discussed in the body paragraphs and provide a final thought or recommendation. This will help reinforce the essay’s structure and make the conclusion feel more complete.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "for example," and "on the other hand," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "additionally," "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently." This will enhance the flow of ideas and make the relationships between sentences clearer. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between sentences.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "surveillance," "criminal activities," "prevent," and "detect." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "surveillance cameras" and "criminal activities," which are used multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "surveillance cameras," you could use "monitoring systems" or "CCTV." Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs could enrich the descriptions, such as using "widespread" instead of "numerous" or "significant" instead of "high."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the rise in criminal activity may persist in the long term" could be more accurately expressed as "the rise in criminal activity may continue unabated." The term "the increasing of public safety" is also awkward; "the enhancement of public safety" would be more precise.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining word choices to ensure clarity and precision. When drafting, consider whether a word conveys the intended meaning effectively. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases. Additionally, utilizing a thesaurus can aid in finding more suitable alternatives that enhance clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with only minor errors such as "the increasing of public safety," which should be "the increase in public safety." However, there are no blatant spelling mistakes that detract from understanding.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the text backward (from the end to the beginning) can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and keeping a personal list of challenging terms can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a fair range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in lexical diversity, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating these suggestions, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a solid variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "First and foremost" and "On the one hand" effectively organizes the argument. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures, such as "if we fail to integrate surveillance systems with strict regulations," which adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, particularly in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "cameras," try varying the subject or using passive constructions. Additionally, integrating more transitional phrases can help in creating smoother connections between ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some instances where punctuation could be improved. For example, in the sentence "This would create certain benefits but there will also be some drawbacks," a comma before "but" would clarify the sentence structure. Additionally, the phrase "which is the increasing of public safety and evidence collections" in the conclusion is awkwardly constructed and could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to punctuation, particularly in compound sentences. Regularly reviewing rules regarding comma usage can help prevent minor errors. Furthermore, revising awkward phrases for clarity will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Consider rephrasing the conclusion to ensure it conveys the intended message more clearly, such as "which include increased public safety and improved evidence collection."

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, the deployment of surveillance cameras by government agencies to combat crime in public spaces has garnered significant public attention. This approach presents certain benefits, but there will also be certain drawbacks.

On the one hand, there are numerous advantages to using surveillance cameras. First and foremost, cameras can enhance public safety by making people feel more secure in public areas, as they are aware that a protective system is in place. For example, Ho Thi Ky Market is a popular destination for younger generations and foreign visitors, making it a bustling location. Unfortunately, this place attracts criminal activities such as pickpocketing, robbery, and theft. However, with the installation of numerous cameras, it becomes significantly easier to prevent and detect these crimes. Additionally, surveillance footage can serve as valuable evidence in resolving crimes, identifying perpetrators, and facilitating legal proceedings. For instance, a recent car accident occurred in District 10, and the perpetrator fled the scene. Fortunately, the government had deployed cameras in the area, which made it possible to quickly identify the suspect through footage retrieval.

On the other hand, there are several downsides to using surveillance cameras. Initially, the substantial costs of deploying and maintaining these systems can be significant, both in terms of equipment and staffing. Since most cameras are installed outdoors, they are exposed to environmental factors such as sunlight and oxidation, which may cause damage. This could lead to unclear or distorted recordings, necessitating additional funds for repairs and upkeep to ensure high-quality footage. Furthermore, cameras alone may not effectively prevent crime, especially if criminals are unaware of the surveillance or do not fear repercussions. The government should implement strict laws to hold criminals accountable when detected by surveillance cameras. Ultimately, if we fail to integrate surveillance systems with strict regulations, the rise in criminal activity may persist in the long term.

In conclusion, the use of cameras to reduce criminal activity could have certain positive aspects, such as the enhancement of public safety and evidence collection. However, its drawbacks should not be overlooked, including the high costs and limited effectiveness.