“Using social platforms such as Youtube, Tiktok, Facebook and Twitter is te best way for youngsters to gain fame and wealth. ” To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write an essay of abot 250 words to express your opinio, using specifc details and examples to support your answer.
"Using social platforms such as Youtube, Tiktok, Facebook and Twitter is te best way for youngsters to gain fame and wealth. "
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Write an essay of abot 250 words to express your opinio, using specifc details and examples to support your answer.
In today’s modern life, social media platforms like YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter provide opportunities for young people to achieve fame and wealth. While these platforms can lead to success for some, I partly agree with the statement as they are not the only or necessarily the best way for youngsters to attain fame and fortune.
Alternatively, social media offers a quick route to recognition. Smartphones, televisions, and ipads are the tool playing an indispensable part in everyone’s life. From young to old can integrate into the Internet. So nobody doesn’t know about social platforms. Many young people have successfully used platforms like TikTok and YouTube to showcase their talents or unique content, gaining a substantial following. For instance, young influencers can attract brand deals and sponsorships, turning their online popularity into financial rewards. The ability to reach a global audience instantly is a powerful tool for gaining fame in today’s connected world.
However, relying only on social media can be risky and aleatory to make use of gaining fame. Reputation on these platforms is often short-lived, and maintaining it requires constant effort and creativity. Additionally, the pressure to constantly produce new content can lead to burnout, and the online environment can expose young individuals to negative criticism, cyberbullying or private life revealed. Moreover, traditional pathways, such as education and building a professional career can offer a more secure and sustainable way to gain success, providing long-term skills and stability.
In conclusion, while social media platforms can be a valuable tool for gaining fame and wealth, they are not the only and the best way for young people to succeed. A balanced approach, including hard work, education, and patience, is more likely to lead to enduring success.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In today’s modern life" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In today’s modern life" is redundant and informal. "In contemporary society" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"social media platforms like YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter" -> "social media platforms such as YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter"
Explanation: Using "such as" instead of "like" enhances the formality and precision of the list, aligning better with academic style. -
"provide opportunities for young people to achieve fame and wealth" -> "offer opportunities for young individuals to attain fame and wealth"
Explanation: "Offer" is more formal than "provide," and "attain" is a more precise verb than "achieve" in this context, fitting the academic tone better. -
"partly agree with the statement" -> "partially concur with the assertion"
Explanation: "Partially concur" is more formal and precise than "partly agree," and "assertion" is a more academic term than "statement." -
"Smartphones, televisions, and ipads" -> "smartphones, televisions, and iPads"
Explanation: Capitalizing "iPads" correctly adheres to standard English conventions and enhances readability. -
"the tool playing an indispensable part" -> "the tools playing an indispensable role"
Explanation: "Tools" should be plural to match the plural "everyone," and "role" is more appropriate than "part" in this context, as it emphasizes the function or position of the tools. -
"From young to old can integrate into the Internet" -> "From the young to the old can integrate with the Internet"
Explanation: "From the young to the old" is grammatically correct and clearer than "From young to old," which is awkward and incorrect. "Integrate with" is also more precise than "integrate into." -
"So nobody doesn’t know about social platforms" -> "Therefore, no one is unaware of social platforms"
Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "So," and "no one is unaware of" is more precise and formal than "nobody doesn’t know about." -
"Many young people have successfully used platforms like TikTok and YouTube" -> "Numerous young individuals have successfully utilized platforms such as TikTok and YouTube"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more formal than "many," and "utilized" is more precise than "used" in this context, which refers to the strategic use of resources. "Such as" is also preferred over "like" for formal lists. -
"young influencers can attract brand deals and sponsorships" -> "young influencers can secure brand deals and sponsorships"
Explanation: "Secure" is a more precise and formal verb than "attract" in this context, implying a more deliberate and successful outcome. -
"relying only on social media can be risky and aleatory" -> "relying solely on social media can be risky and unpredictable"
Explanation: "Solely" is more precise than "only," and "unpredictable" is a more appropriate term than "aleatory," which is less commonly used and may be unclear to some readers. -
"to make use of gaining fame" -> "to leverage fame"
Explanation: "To leverage" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea of utilizing something to achieve an advantage, eliminating the awkward construction "to make use of gaining."
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by acknowledging the potential of social media platforms for young people to gain fame and wealth, while also presenting a counterargument that these are not the only or necessarily the best means to achieve success. The writer states, "I partly agree with the statement," which indicates a balanced approach. However, the essay could have benefited from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees, as the prompt specifically asks for this.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should clarify their stance by explicitly stating the degree of agreement or disagreement early in the essay and reinforcing this throughout. Including more specific examples or statistics about the success rates of social media versus traditional pathways could also strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that social media is not the sole avenue for success. However, the phrase "I partly agree" could lead to some ambiguity regarding the extent of the author’s agreement. While the position is generally consistent, the nuances of the argument could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: The writer should consider using stronger transitional phrases to guide the reader through their argument. For instance, stating "While I acknowledge the benefits of social media, I believe…" would help clarify their position. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion would reinforce the essay’s stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of social media for gaining fame and the risks associated with it. The examples of influencers and the challenges they face are relevant and support the argument well. However, some points, such as the mention of traditional pathways, could be further developed to provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate more on the traditional pathways mentioned. For instance, discussing specific careers or educational paths that have led to success would provide a stronger contrast to the social media argument. Additionally, incorporating more detailed examples or case studies could enhance the depth of the analysis.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of social media in achieving fame and wealth. However, some sections, such as the discussion on burnout and negative criticism, while relevant, could be streamlined to maintain focus on the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the central argument. Reducing tangential discussions and ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the thesis would help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, using topic sentences that clearly relate to the main argument at the beginning of each paragraph could improve coherence.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the role of social media in achieving fame and wealth. The introduction effectively sets the stage by stating the writer’s partial agreement with the prompt. The body paragraphs are organized to first highlight the advantages of social media, followed by its drawbacks and alternative pathways to success. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, relying only on social media can be risky…" could be better linked to the previous paragraph to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of social media, a phrase like "Despite these advantages, there are significant risks associated with relying solely on these platforms" would create a clearer transition.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas. Each paragraph has a clear focus: the first discusses the benefits of social media, while the second addresses its risks and alternative paths to success. However, the second paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the risks of social media and another on traditional pathways to success. This would enhance clarity and allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea. Consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new concept or argument. This will help maintain clarity and allow readers to follow your argument more easily.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "additionally," and "moreover," to connect ideas. These devices help in linking sentences and paragraphs, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, phrases like "on the other hand" or "in contrast" could be utilized to enhance the discussion of opposing views.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, familiarize yourself with a wider range of linking words and phrases. Incorporate synonyms and alternative expressions to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "additionally," you could use "furthermore" or "in addition." This variety will enhance the essay’s flow and make it more engaging to read.
In summary, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, improvements can be made in logical organization, paragraphing, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "opportunities," "recognition," "influencers," and "sponsorships." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "young people" could be replaced with synonyms like "youth," "adolescents," or "teenagers" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. For instance, instead of saying "young people" multiple times, use "youth" or "the younger generation" in some instances. Additionally, explore using more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "entrepreneurial" or "digital landscape."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, the phrase "the tool playing an indispensable part" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer. The term "aleatory" is also used incorrectly; it generally means "random" or "by chance," which does not fit the context of discussing social media’s risks.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on context-appropriate vocabulary. Replace "the tool playing an indispensable part" with "tools that play an indispensable role." Additionally, consider using "unpredictable" instead of "aleatory" to convey the intended meaning more clearly. Reviewing vocabulary in context can help ensure that word choices align with their meanings.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "te" instead of "the," "abot" instead of "about," and "specifc" instead of "specific." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, practice proofreading your work before submission. Consider reading the essay aloud to catch errors, as this can help identify words that sound incorrect. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can assist in identifying and correcting spelling mistakes. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also enhance overall spelling skills.
By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its lexical resource score, leading to a more effective and polished response.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "While these platforms can lead to success for some, I partly agree with the statement…" effectively combines contrasting ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "can" and "to" in several sentences, which limits the overall range.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "Many young people have successfully used platforms like TikTok and YouTube to showcase their talents," you could say, "Many young people, who have successfully used platforms like TikTok and YouTube, showcase their talents in innovative ways." Additionally, varying the use of transitional phrases can help create smoother connections between ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "So nobody doesn’t know about social platforms" contains a double negative, which can confuse readers. Additionally, "the tool playing an indispensable part" should be "the tools playing an indispensable part" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on avoiding double negatives and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Proofreading for common errors, such as run-on sentences, can also enhance clarity. For instance, consider breaking up longer sentences into shorter, more manageable ones. Instead of saying, "Reputation on these platforms is often short-lived, and maintaining it requires constant effort and creativity," you could separate these ideas: "Reputation on these platforms is often short-lived. Maintaining it requires constant effort and creativity." This will help improve readability and comprehension.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, social media platforms such as YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter offer opportunities for young individuals to attain fame and wealth. While these platforms can lead to success for some, I partially concur with the assertion that they are the best way for youngsters to achieve fame and fortune.
On one hand, social media provides a quick route to recognition. Smartphones, televisions, and iPads play an indispensable role in everyone’s life today. People of all ages can easily access the Internet, making social platforms widely known. Many young individuals have successfully utilized platforms like TikTok and YouTube to showcase their talents or unique content, gaining a substantial following. For instance, young influencers can attract brand deals and sponsorships, transforming their online popularity into financial rewards. The ability to reach a global audience instantly is a powerful tool for gaining fame in today’s interconnected world.
However, relying solely on social media can be risky and unpredictable for gaining fame. Reputation on these platforms is often short-lived, and maintaining it requires constant effort and creativity. Additionally, the pressure to continually produce new content can lead to burnout, and the online environment can expose young individuals to negative criticism, cyberbullying, or the invasion of their private lives. Furthermore, traditional pathways, such as education and building a professional career, can offer a more secure and sustainable route to success, providing long-term skills and stability.
In conclusion, while social media platforms can be a valuable tool for gaining fame and wealth, they are not the only or necessarily the best way for young people to succeed. A balanced approach, including hard work, education, and patience, is more likely to lead to enduring success.