water pollution. What are the causes and solutions to this problems?

water pollution. What are the causes and solutions to this problems?

Over the past few decades, the increasing amount of water polution has become a major problem in many countries. People have questioned what caused this problem and what can be done to improve the situation. In my opinion, two of the most critical cause of this issue are the increase of the use of pesticides and fertilizers

To begin with, Agricultural practices has contributed greatly to the increasing amount of underwater waste we produce every day. In other words, we have turned into a materialistic and mass-consumption society where we use multipe products. Several countries fishing indiscriminately has contaimnated water systems. Moreover, we used over fertilizer and pesticides that cause water polution
To sole this intratable problem, every citizen needs to participate in using less fertilizer. For example, we can make shedule that is resonable. Besides we also should fish the allowable limit. Which the government enforce stricter laws on people to protect ecosystems while also helping to avoid water pollution.
As discussed above, people and the government can share the responsibility to reduce amount of water pollution.I hope that in future our offspring will be better off with the well-preserved environment.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "water polution" -> "water pollution"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "water polution" to "water pollution" is necessary to maintain proper academic writing standards.

  2. "major problem" -> "significant issue"
    Explanation: Replacing "major problem" with "significant issue" adds a more formal and precise tone to the essay.

  3. "what caused this problem" -> "the underlying causes of this issue"
    Explanation: The phrase "what caused this problem" is quite casual. Replacing it with "the underlying causes of this issue" offers a more academic and specific description.

  4. "can be done" -> "can be undertaken"
    Explanation: Substituting "can be done" with "can be undertaken" is a more formal and sophisticated choice of words.

  5. "critical cause" -> "primary factors"
    Explanation: Replacing "critical cause" with "primary factors" elevates the language by using a more academic term.

  6. "increase of the use of pesticides and fertilizers" -> "escalation in the utilization of pesticides and fertilizers"
    Explanation: "Increase of the use" can be enhanced to "escalation in the utilization," which is more formal and precise.

  7. "Agricultural practices has" -> "Agricultural practices have"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement error by changing "Agricultural practices has" to "Agricultural practices have" maintains proper grammar.

  8. "we use multipe products" -> "we consume a multitude of products"
    Explanation: Replacing "we use multiple products" with "we consume a multitude of products" improves both the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  9. "Several countries fishing indiscriminately has contaimnated water systems." -> "Indiscriminate fishing in several countries has contaminated water systems."
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence and improving the verb agreement by changing "has" to "has contaminated" enhances clarity and formality.

  10. "we used over fertilizer and pesticides" -> "we excessively apply fertilizers and pesticides"
    Explanation: "Used over fertilizer and pesticides" should be revised to "excessively apply fertilizers and pesticides" for more precision and academic style.

  11. "To sole this intratable problem" -> "To solve this intractable problem"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling and word choice error, changing "sole" to "solve" and "intratable" to "intractable," maintains the formality of the essay.

  12. "shedule that is resonable" -> "a reasonable schedule"
    Explanation: Correcting "shedule" to "schedule" and "resonable" to "reasonable" ensures proper spelling and a more formal tone.

  13. "we also should fish the allowable limit." -> "we should also adhere to fishing within allowable limits."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "adhere to fishing within allowable limits" improves clarity and formality.

  14. "Which the government enforce stricter laws" -> "The government should enforce stricter laws"
    Explanation: Adding "should" and restructuring the sentence results in a more academically appropriate expression.

  15. "share the responsibility" -> "jointly shoulder the responsibility"
    Explanation: Replacing "share the responsibility" with "jointly shoulder the responsibility" adds a more formal and precise tone.

  16. "reduce amount of water pollution" -> "reduce the level of water pollution"
    Explanation: Enhancing "reduce amount of water pollution" to "reduce the level of water pollution" improves the precision and formality of the statement.

  17. "well-preserved environment" -> "a pristine environment"
    Explanation: Substituting "well-preserved" with "pristine" elevates the language and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It mentions the causes of water pollution, specifically the use of pesticides and fertilizers, and suggests solutions, including using less fertilizer and enforcing stricter fishing laws. However, it could provide a more comprehensive analysis of the causes and explore a wider range of solutions.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should thoroughly examine all aspects of the question. It could delve deeper into the causes, considering industrial pollution, sewage discharge, and other factors. Additionally, it should propose a more diverse set of solutions, such as promoting sustainable farming practices and investing in wastewater treatment facilities.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a reasonably clear position throughout, asserting that agricultural practices, specifically the use of pesticides and fertilizers, are significant causes of water pollution. However, the position could be more firmly established and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should start with a clear thesis statement that explicitly states the main causes and proposed solutions to water pollution. Additionally, each paragraph should directly relate to and reinforce the established position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. It mentions agricultural practices as a cause of water pollution and briefly discusses the need for citizens to use less fertilizer and follow fishing limits. However, it lacks elaboration and evidence to strengthen these points.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide specific examples, statistics, or case studies to support its claims. It should delve deeper into the consequences of water pollution and the potential benefits of implementing the proposed solutions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the causes and solutions to water pollution. However, there are some minor deviations, such as mentioning a "materialistic and mass-consumption society," which is not directly related to the topic.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid unrelated tangents and ensure that every point made directly relates to the causes and solutions of water pollution.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides some relevant insights, it falls short in fully addressing all aspects of the question, maintaining a consistent position, supporting ideas effectively, and staying entirely on topic. To achieve a higher band score, the essay should aim for more comprehensive coverage, clearer positioning, stronger evidence, and strict adherence to the topic. Additionally, expanding the essay to meet the required word count would help provide a more thorough analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, but there are some issues with coherence and flow. The introduction provides a brief overview of the problem but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs discuss causes and solutions separately, which could benefit from a more integrated approach. Additionally, the connection between sentences within paragraphs could be improved for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider providing a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss in the body paragraphs. Instead of discussing causes and solutions separately, try to integrate them when relevant. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas within paragraphs and between sections for better coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness could be improved. Some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main point or idea.
    • How to improve: Aim for shorter, more focused paragraphs. Start a new paragraph when introducing a new point or idea. This will make your essay easier to read and understand.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "to begin with" and "moreover." However, there is room for improvement in using a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the overall cohesion of the essay.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "this problem"), conjunctions (e.g., "because," "however"), and linking words (e.g., "in addition," "furthermore"). This will help create a smoother and more coherent essay.

Overall, your essay addresses the prompt and contains relevant information. To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a clear thesis statement, using shorter and more focused paragraphs, and diversifying your use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow of your essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary. While there are some instances of varied vocabulary, such as "pesticides," "fertilizers," and "ecosystems," many words are repeated, like "water pollution," "problem," "cause," and "people." This repetition limits the essay’s lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and diverse terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "water pollution," they could employ synonyms like "aquatic contamination" or "hydraulic pollution." This subtle variation can contribute to a richer lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary imprecisely. For instance, it mentions "underwater waste," which is not a common term for water pollution. Additionally, the phrase "to sole this intratable problem" is unclear, and "shedule" should be spelled as "schedule."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the chosen words accurately convey their intended meanings. Proofreading for spelling and grammar errors is crucial. For the unclear phrases, rephrasing and providing more context can eliminate ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple spelling errors, such as "polution," "intratable," "resonable," and "contaimnated." These errors significantly affect the essay’s overall quality and readability.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should make use of spelling and grammar check tools. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct spelling errors. Developing good spelling habits through practice and reference to dictionaries can further enhance accuracy.

Overall, while the essay addresses the topic of water pollution and presents some ideas, it would benefit from a more varied vocabulary, greater precision in word usage, and improved spelling accuracy to achieve a higher band score for Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It primarily uses simple and compound sentences. While there is some variation, such as the use of complex sentences, the variety is limited, and the structures could be more diverse.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and add complexity to the writing, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures like conditional sentences, relative clauses, and inverted sentences. This can make your essay more engaging and sophisticated.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that affect its overall clarity. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the increase of the use"), article usage ("the increase of underwater waste"), and word choice ("intratable" should be "intractable"). Punctuation errors include missing commas and inconsistent spacing around punctuation marks.
    • How to improve: Careful proofreading and grammar checks are essential. Review your essay for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice. Pay attention to comma usage for better sentence structure and clarity. Consider seeking assistance from a writing tutor or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct these errors.

Overall, your essay provides relevant content, but improving grammatical accuracy and sentence structure variety will significantly enhance its quality and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

Over the past few decades, the escalating issue of water pollution has become a significant concern in numerous countries. People are increasingly pondering the underlying causes of this problem and potential solutions. In my view, two primary factors contributing to this issue are the escalation in the utilization of pesticides and fertilizers.

To commence, agricultural practices have significantly contributed to the mounting underwater waste generated daily. In essence, our society has transitioned into one characterized by materialism and mass consumption, resulting in the widespread use of a multitude of products. Indiscriminate fishing in several countries has contaminated water systems as well. Additionally, we excessively apply fertilizers and pesticides, further exacerbating water pollution.

To address this intractable problem, it is essential for every citizen to participate in reducing the usage of fertilizers. For instance, we can establish a reasonable schedule for their application. Furthermore, we should also adhere to fishing within allowable limits. It is imperative that the government enforce stricter laws to safeguard ecosystems and mitigate water pollution.

As discussed above, both individuals and the government must jointly shoulder the responsibility to reduce the level of water pollution. With these concerted efforts, we can work towards preserving a pristine environment for our future generations.

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