fbpx

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

"It should not be a part of childhood to endure pain, a fact underscored by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization. Shockingly, 60% of Vietnamese children undergo physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, ostensibly in the name of education.

These acts manifest in various forms, encompassing slapping, spanking, and even the use of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or endure a time-out. We firmly believe that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not shoulder the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our suggested policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we recommend progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children's rights organizations. Our arguments center on four key claims: first, emphasizing children's rights; second, highlighting the non-educational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let's delve into the first claim – children's rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates that governments must ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even under optimal circumstances, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still violating a child's right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention's principles.

Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

To conclude, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child's well-being. We challenge contrary viewpoints to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention."


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It should not be a part of childhood to endure pain, a fact underscored by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization."
    -> "Children should not be subjected to pain as a component of their upbringing, a reality emphasized by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization."
    Explanation: The suggested revision maintains the emphasis on the undesirability of childhood pain while using more formal language and structure.

  2. "Shockingly, 60% of Vietnamese children undergo physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, ostensibly in the name of education."
    -> "Alarmingly, 60% of Vietnamese children experience physical and psychological trauma as a result of corporal punishment administered by parents and teachers, ostensibly under the guise of educational purposes."
    Explanation: The replacement of "undergo" with "experience" and the rephrasing contribute to a more formal and academic tone.

  3. "These acts manifest in various forms, encompassing slapping, spanking, and even the use of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts."
    -> "These actions manifest in diverse forms, including slapping, spanking, and the utilization of harsh objects such as broomsticks or belts."
    Explanation: The term "acts" is replaced with "actions," and the language is refined for greater formality and precision.

  4. "We firmly believe that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not shoulder the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments."
    -> "We assert that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments."
    Explanation: The language is strengthened by replacing "firmly believe" with "assert" and refining the wording for a more formal tone.

  5. "Therefore, as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam."
    -> "Therefore, in our capacity as the advocacy team, we recommend the prohibition of all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam."
    Explanation: The word "propose" is replaced with "recommend," and the sentence is restructured for a more formal expression of the suggestion.

  6. "Our suggested policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences."
    -> "Our proposed policy entails the imposition of fines and the delivery of educational lectures for first-time violators to deter recurrences."
    Explanation: The term "suggested" is replaced with "proposed," and the language is refined for increased formality and precision.

  7. "To raise awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children’s rights organizations."
    -> "In order to heighten awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively advocate for this new policy through mass media and lend support to children’s rights organizations."
    Explanation: The language is refined for a more formal and precise expression of the actions to be taken.

  8. "Let’s delve into the first claim – children’s rights."
    -> "Let us delve into the first assertion – children’s rights."
    Explanation: The contraction "Let’s" is replaced with the more formal "Let us" for a more academic tone.

  9. "Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment."
    -> "Moving on to the second assertion, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment."
    Explanation: The term "Transitioning to" is replaced with "Moving on to" for a smoother and more formal transition between paragraphs.

  10. "To conclude, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being."
    -> "In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being."
    Explanation: The phrase "To conclude" is replaced with the more formal "In conclusion" for a polished ending to the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It begins by acknowledging the issue of corporal punishment, provides statistical evidence about its prevalence, and presents a clear stance on banning it in Vietnam. The proposed policy solutions are discussed, aligning with the task requirements.
    • How to Improve: The essay could enhance its completeness by briefly addressing potential counterarguments or acknowledging potential challenges in implementing the proposed policy.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position against corporal punishment from the beginning to the end. It clearly articulates the negative impact of corporal punishment on children and advocates for a ban throughout the essay.
    • How to Improve: To further strengthen the position, the essay could include a stronger thesis statement in the introduction, explicitly stating the stance against corporal punishment.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides detailed examples of different forms of corporal punishment, proposes a comprehensive policy solution, and supports arguments with references to international conventions.
    • How to Improve: To enhance the essay, consider incorporating more specific examples or case studies to illustrate the impact of corporal punishment on children in Vietnam.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing the issue of corporal punishment in Vietnam and proposing a ban. There are no significant deviations from the main theme.
    • How to Improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to supporting the central argument. Avoid unnecessary details that do not directly relate to the topic.

General Comments:

  • The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the issue and a well-structured argument.
  • The proposed policy solutions are well-reasoned and align with the advocacy against corporal punishment.
  • The incorporation of international conventions strengthens the essay’s credibility.
  • Consider including a more explicit acknowledgment of potential counterarguments to showcase a nuanced understanding of the issue.

This essay effectively addresses the task requirements, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue and providing a well-supported argument for the ban on corporal punishment in Vietnam.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. The introduction effectively sets the stage by presenting relevant statistics and a clear stance. The body paragraphs follow a structured approach, addressing specific claims related to the advocacy for banning corporal punishment. The transitions between paragraphs are smooth, aiding the overall flow of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider reinforcing the connection between body paragraphs by explicitly referencing key concepts from the preceding section when introducing a new claim. This will help create a seamless narrative flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-paragraphed, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction provides context, body paragraphs delve into the proposed policy and supporting claims, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. The structure contributes to clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: While the paragraph structure is effective, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will aid readers in quickly grasping the focus of each section.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases such as "Therefore," and "To raise awareness." Pronouns are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, contributing to the overall coherence. Additionally, the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs enhances cohesion.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more diverse cohesive devices, such as parallelism or synonyms, to avoid repetition. This can elevate the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, pay attention to the use of pronouns to ensure clarity, especially when referring to complex ideas or multiple entities.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong coherence and cohesion level, earning a band score of 7. To further enhance this score, focus on reinforcing the connections between paragraphs, ensuring clear topic sentences, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and polished expression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. It effectively employs varied words and phrases to convey ideas and arguments. For instance, terms such as "psychological trauma," "advocacy team," and "non-educational nature" showcase a nuanced vocabulary that enhances the essay’s overall quality. The essay incorporates diverse vocabulary related to the topic, covering aspects of punishment, child rights, and societal impact.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the lexical resource, consider introducing more specialized or domain-specific terms related to child psychology, legal aspects, or educational theory. This can add depth to your arguments and showcase an even broader lexical repertoire.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, conveying ideas clearly and concisely. Specific terms like "physical and mental violence," "revoking child custody," and "mass media" contribute to the clarity of the message. However, there are instances where the use of more precise vocabulary could enhance the essay’s impact further.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider replacing general terms with more specific ones where possible. For instance, instead of "harsh objects," you might use "implements of punishment." Additionally, in the sentence "Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons," specifying the type of scrutiny (e.g., fear-based scrutiny) can add precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of spelling accuracy. There are no noticeable spelling errors that impede the reader’s understanding. The use of complex terminology and varied sentence structures is handled with consistent spelling proficiency.
    • How to improve: While spelling is generally accurate, proofreading the essay to catch any potential typographical errors or minor spelling issues is advisable. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and ensure that each word is used in its correct context, as this contributes to the overall impression of language proficiency.

In conclusion, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary, showcasing a wide range and precision in expression. To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating specialized terms and conducting a thorough proofread for minor spelling or typographical improvements. Overall, a well-executed use of language contributes significantly to the effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the author effectively employs complex sentences when presenting detailed arguments, while simpler structures enhance clarity in conveying key points. The use of rhetorical questions and transitions also adds to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences, where appropriate. Additionally, be mindful of maintaining clarity while experimenting with diverse sentence structures.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are well-constructed, and there are minimal grammatical errors. Punctuation is generally accurate, contributing to the coherence of the essay. However, there are a few instances where the use of commas or semicolons could be refined for smoother flow.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the use of commas and semicolons in complex sentences. Ensure that these punctuation marks are employed appropriately to enhance readability. Additionally, consider employing dashes or parentheses for emphasis or clarification in certain contexts.

In conclusion, the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy contribute significantly to its overall effectiveness. The author’s adept use of diverse sentence structures and precise grammar allows for a clear and persuasive presentation of ideas. To improve, a subtle refinement of punctuation usage in complex sentences is recommended, along with a continued exploration of varied sentence structures to further elevate the essay’s sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

“It is not appropriate for children to experience pain as part of their upbringing, a fact highlighted by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization. Disturbingly, 60% of Vietnamese children undergo physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, supposedly in the name of education.

These acts take various forms, including slapping, spanking, and the use of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or endure a time-out. We firmly believe that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our suggested policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we recommend progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children’s rights organizations. Our arguments center on four key claims: first, emphasizing children’s rights; second, highlighting the non-educational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let’s delve into the first claim – children’s rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates that governments must ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even under optimal circumstances, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still violating a child’s right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention’s principles.

Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being. We challenge contrary viewpoints to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention.”

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT