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we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

"It is not appropriate for children to experience pain as part of their upbringing, a fact highlighted by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization. Disturbingly, 60% of Vietnamese children undergo physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, supposedly in the name of education.

These acts take various forms, including slapping, spanking, and the use of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or endure a time-out. We firmly believe that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our suggested policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we recommend progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children's rights organizations. Our arguments center on four key claims: first, emphasizing children's rights; second, highlighting the non-educational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let's delve into the first claim – children's rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates that governments must ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even under optimal circumstances, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still violating a child's right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention's principles.

Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child's well-being. We challenge contrary viewpoints to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention."


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is not appropriate" -> "It is not suitable"
    Explanation: Replacing "appropriate" with "suitable" maintains formality and avoids the somewhat colloquial tone of "appropriate" in this context.

  2. "Disturbingly" -> "Concerningly"
    Explanation: Replacing "Disturbingly" with "Concerningly" preserves the sense of unease while using a more formal term.

  3. "60% of Vietnamese children undergo" -> "60% of Vietnamese children experience"
    Explanation: "Undergo" is a bit informal; replacing it with "experience" maintains formality and clarity.

  4. "supposedly in the name of education" -> "ostensibly for the sake of education"
    Explanation: "Supposedly" is less formal; using "ostensibly" conveys the idea with a more academically appropriate term.

  5. "acts take various forms" -> "incidents manifest in various forms"
    Explanation: Replacing "acts" with "incidents" and "take" with "manifest" adds precision and formality to the sentence.

  6. "slapping, spanking, and the use of harsh objects" -> "physical discipline such as slapping, spanking, and the utilization of harsh objects"
    Explanation: Expanding and rephrasing the list to "physical discipline" and "utilization" enhances the academic tone without sacrificing clarity.

  7. "We firmly believe" -> "We contend"
    Explanation: "Firmly believe" is somewhat informal; "We contend" adds a more assertive and formal tone to the statement.

  8. "inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate" -> "intrinsically innocent, vulnerable, and delicate"
    Explanation: Substituting "inherently" with "intrinsically" maintains the meaning while using a more formal term.

  9. "imposed by such punishments" -> "imposed by these disciplinary measures"
    Explanation: Replacing "such punishments" with "these disciplinary measures" adds specificity and formality.

  10. "Therefore, as the advocacy team" -> "Therefore, in our capacity as the advocacy team"
    Explanation: Expanding "as the advocacy team" to "in our capacity as the advocacy team" adds formality and precision.

  11. "educational lectures" -> "instructional seminars"
    Explanation: "Educational lectures" can be refined to "instructional seminars" for a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "To raise awareness" -> "In order to raise awareness"
    Explanation: Adding "In order to" before "raise awareness" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  13. "actively promote" -> "vigorously promote"
    Explanation: "Actively promote" can be replaced with "vigorously promote" for a more energetic and formal tone.

  14. "our arguments center on" -> "our arguments revolve around"
    Explanation: "Center on" can be substituted with "revolve around" to convey the idea more formally.

  15. "Let’s delve into the first claim" -> "Let us delve into the first claim"
    Explanation: Replacing "Let’s" with "Let us" adds formality to the transition.

  16. "stipulates that governments must ensure" -> "mandates that governments must ensure"
    Explanation: "Stipulates" can be replaced with "mandates" for a more formal expression.

  17. "physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation" -> "physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, or exploitation"
    Explanation: Replacing the conjunction "and" with "or" enhances clarity, making it consistent with the list.

  18. "Even under optimal circumstances" -> "Even in optimal circumstances"
    Explanation: Substituting "under" with "in" improves the preposition’s formality in this context.

  19. "scrutiny" -> "examination"
    Explanation: "Scrutiny" can be replaced with "examination" for a more formal and precise term.

  20. "Thank you for your attention" -> "We appreciate your attention"
    Explanation: "Thank you" can be refined to "We appreciate" for a more formal closing statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the prevalence of corporal punishment in Vietnam, proposes a ban, and outlines a comprehensive policy for enforcement. The reference to the report from the End Corporal Punishment organization strengthens the argument.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, consider providing additional statistics or real-world examples to underscore the severity of the issue in Vietnam. This can bolster the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position advocating for a ban on corporal punishment. Each paragraph contributes to building a compelling argument against such practices, and the concluding statement reinforces the stance.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence explicitly stating the stance. This will guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, elaborating on the different forms of corporal punishment and providing a well-structured policy proposal. The argumentation is supported by referencing Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child and offering logical reasoning.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea extension, consider including more real-life examples or case studies demonstrating the negative impact of corporal punishment on children. This can make the essay more relatable and persuasive.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of corporal punishment throughout, consistently connecting each point to the central theme. There are no significant deviations from the main argument.
    • How to improve: To further emphasize staying on topic, ensure that every piece of evidence or example directly relates to the harmful effects of corporal punishment in Vietnam. Avoid any tangential discussions that might dilute the essay’s focus.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of the Task Response criteria, earning a well-deserved Band Score of 8. To enhance the overall effectiveness, consider incorporating more statistical data, explicitly stating the position in each paragraph, providing additional real-world examples, and maintaining a laser-like focus on the central theme. These refinements will contribute to an even more compelling and persuasive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization by presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction sets the stage by providing relevant statistics and context. Body paragraphs follow a structured sequence, addressing specific claims and supporting them with evidence. The conclusion effectively summarizes key points and reinforces the stance against corporal punishment. However, there could be a slightly smoother transition between the introduction and the first body paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a brief roadmap of the essay’s structure in the introduction, explicitly outlining the main claims to prepare the reader for the upcoming arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, and body paragraphs focus on distinct claims related to the ban on corporal punishment. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the link between paragraphs is explicit, reinforcing the overall coherence of the essay. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, such as referencing statistics ("60% of Vietnamese children") and employing cohesive conjunctions ("therefore," "in conclusion"). Additionally, the essay maintains coherence through the logical progression of arguments and the use of pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
    • How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, explore the use of synonyms or parallel structures within sentences. This can enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent and varied use of linking words to establish clear connections between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on enhancing the smooth transition between the introduction and the first body paragraph, explicitly signaling the essay’s structure. Additionally, continue to employ a variety of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and refined expression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. Various terms are employed to articulate ideas and convey meaning effectively. For instance, phrases such as "physical and psychological trauma," "imposing fines," and "revoke child custody" showcase a broad lexical repertoire.
    • How to improve: To elevate your lexical resource score further, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary in specific contexts. For instance, in the introduction, you might use synonyms for "highlighted" or "firmly believe" to add nuance. Additionally, vary your sentence structures to showcase diversity in sentence complexity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. For instance, terms like "non-educational nature," "fostering dishonesty," and "contradicting the convention’s principles" exhibit precise language.
    • How to improve: While precision is maintained, explore opportunities to replace common phrases with more refined expressions. For example, instead of "It is not appropriate," you could use "It is inherently inappropriate" to convey a stronger sense of impropriety. This fine-tuning will enhance the overall precision of your vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of spelling accuracy. There are no noticeable spelling errors, contributing to the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: Continue with the current attention to spelling accuracy. One strategy to enhance spelling is to review commonly misspelled words regularly and, if possible, seek feedback from peers or use spelling check tools to catch any inadvertent errors.

Overall, the lexical resource in this essay is strong, contributing significantly to the overall Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on incorporating more nuanced vocabulary and refining the precision of your language. Keep up the excellent work on spelling accuracy, as it significantly contributes to the essay’s overall professionalism.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For instance, it uses introductory phrases, dependent clauses, and compound sentences effectively to convey ideas. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more intricate structures such as conditional sentences or inversion for added complexity and stylistic flair.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating more complex sentence constructions, such as conditional sentences (e.g., If…then…), inverted sentences, or the use of participial phrases. This will not only add sophistication to the writing but also contribute to a more nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. However, a few instances of grammatical errors are present, such as in the phrase "supposedly in the name of education," where the use of ‘supposedly’ may lead to ambiguity. Additionally, there are a few minor punctuation errors, like the unnecessary comma in "first, emphasizing children’s rights."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures for potential ambiguity. In the mentioned instance, consider rephrasing for clarity, such as "purportedly in the name of education." Additionally, be vigilant about unnecessary commas; in this case, omitting the comma after "first" would improve punctuation accuracy.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a solid command of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further and refining punctuation accuracy. Integrating more sophisticated sentence constructions and paying attention to potential grammatical ambiguities will elevate the overall linguistic quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

“It is not suitable for children to endure pain as part of their upbringing, a concern highlighted by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization. Concerningly, 60% of Vietnamese children experience physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, ostensibly for the sake of education.

These incidents manifest in various forms, including physical discipline such as slapping, spanking, and the utilization of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or endure a time-out. We contend that children, intrinsically innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by these disciplinary measures.

Therefore, in our capacity as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our suggested policy mandates that governments must ensure fines and provide instructional seminars for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we recommend progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

In order to raise awareness and vigorously promote the new policy, we will actively support this through mass media and collaborate with children’s rights organizations. Our arguments revolve around four key claims: first, emphasizing children’s rights; second, highlighting the non-educational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let us delve into the first claim – children’s rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child mandates that governments must ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, or exploitation. Even in optimal circumstances, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still violating a child’s right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention’s principles.

Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being. We challenge contrary viewpoints to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. We appreciate your attention.”

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