we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam
firstly i want to give some rebuttals you have said that the corporate punishments are inflict inflict on children's rights so by that i don't see how you prove that banning will stop it and how all form of punishment are inflicting on children's rights so i would further prove in my argument that this ban will be ineffective and helpful now let's get on to some framing on either side of the debate the most extreme form of punishment are classified as abuse which are already banned and enforced which mechanisms the chi support system criminal justice system and periodical health report of the children as such our goal is to prove how the policy of your side are going to reduce the ability of existing structure to prevent abuse now let's get into our argument that this ban is ineffective damaging and worsening child abuse three main layers firstly this man will dramatically reduce the ability to detect and intervene into instances of abuse children now are less likely to report due to heightened threats from their parents and that don't want to be framed as criminals parents have authority over children and can easily manipulate the children onto not reporting for outsider they could have
otherwise observed and report your abuse now cannot do so because parents are more aware and hide it better corporal punishment are pervasive in vietnam and so normalized in this culture so criminalizing the only normalized secret corporate punishment secondly it worsens dry abuse it is now easier far more easier to escalate to verbal abuse and manifest psychological abuse so the threshold escalation to abuse behavior has dramatically dropped consequently it increases the instances of abuse on top of that anyone who are currently against child abuse are now becoming less vigilant so making long-term policy change less likely thirdly the ban is damaging regardless of enforcement mechanism with a fight rich parents feel little to no pressure and poor parents struggle in providing the children with you know education and food and honesty they can also place the blame on the children so parents of this group hence are not likely to be reported for the sake of maintaining the children the children wellness and you know raising the fine or get them lectured doesn't help with any of that because it's only causing more into the problem we're used to send them to jail it would be unjust for parents because they are only know how to do coprobation because they also raised on it and we're separating children from loving parents that create more often and unnecessarily more stress on the foster care confidence system alternatively i just say we can do mass media we can do you know better education and more quality discussion on this topic but our second speaker will prove furthermore how this is exclusive from banning all form of corporate punishment of children in vietnam so proud to oppose for all this reason thank you guys great work do you feel satisfied oh yeah i think so yeah a little bit disappointed but it's all fine disappointed you should feel proud yeah i'm proud proud feel proud don't feel disappointment it's not good how do you feel pretty good yeah pretty good i think yeah is there something that you know you feel that you're scared the speaker will prove furthermore how this is exclusive from banning all form of corporate punishment of children in vietnam so proud to oppose for all this reason
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"firstly" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Capitalizing the first letter in "Firstly" adheres to the conventions of formal writing, providing a more polished and academic appearance to the essay.
"rebuttals" -> "counterarguments"
Explanation: The term "counterarguments" is more precise and formal than "rebuttals," aligning better with academic language.
"inflict inflict" -> "inflicted"
Explanation: Correcting the repetition by changing "inflict inflict" to "inflicted" improves the sentence’s flow and maintains a formal tone.
"by that" -> "thus"
Explanation: Replacing "by that" with "thus" enhances the connection between sentences and contributes to a more sophisticated writing style.
"I don’t see how you prove" -> "It is not evident how you demonstrate"
Explanation: The phrase "I don’t see how you prove" is informal; replacing it with "It is not evident how you demonstrate" conveys a more academic tone.
"all form of punishment" -> "all forms of punishment"
Explanation: Correcting the plural form by changing "all form of punishment" to "all forms of punishment" ensures grammatical accuracy.
"further prove in my argument" -> "further substantiate my argument"
Explanation: Replacing "further prove in my argument" with "further substantiate my argument" adds precision and formality to the expression.
"debate the most extreme form of punishment" -> "debate, the most extreme forms of punishment"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "debate" clarifies the structure of the sentence and improves readability.
"which mechanisms" -> "through mechanisms"
Explanation: Changing "which mechanisms" to "through mechanisms" improves the grammatical structure and maintains formality.
"periodical health report" -> "periodic health reports"
Explanation: Using "periodic health reports" is more grammatically correct and aligns with academic language.
These improvements aim to enhance the essay’s formal tone and correctness while maintaining clarity in academic expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does address all parts of the question by presenting arguments against banning all forms of corporal punishment. The rebuttal attempts to refute the claim that banning corporal punishment is effective in protecting children’s rights. The essay also provides framing for the debate and argues against the effectiveness of the proposed ban.
- How to improve: While the essay attempts to address all parts of the question, there is room for improvement in the clarity and organization of ideas. The response could benefit from a more structured approach, clearly delineating points and evidence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the ban on corporal punishment, arguing that it is ineffective, damaging, and worsens child abuse. The stance is maintained throughout the essay, with the speaker consistently opposing the proposed ban.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could begin with a concise thesis statement that clearly outlines the speaker’s position on banning corporal punishment, providing a roadmap for the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas against the ban, providing arguments related to the ineffectiveness of detection, escalation to other forms of abuse, and the potential damage to different socio-economic groups. However, the development of ideas could be more elaborate and connected for a more cohesive argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could expand on each point with more specific examples, evidence, or real-world scenarios. Additionally, connections between ideas could be strengthened to create a more cohesive and persuasive argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the proposed ban on corporal punishment. However, there are instances of repetition and lack of clarity, especially in the latter part of the essay.
- How to improve: The essay could benefit from a more focused and concise discussion. Eliminating repetitive statements and refining the structure will help maintain a clearer focus on the topic.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively opposes the proposed ban on corporal punishment, there is room for improvement in organization, clarity, elaboration of ideas, and avoidance of repetition. A more structured and detailed approach, along with concrete examples, will contribute to a more convincing and higher-scoring essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some attempt at organization, but there are issues with the logical flow. Ideas are presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument coherently. For example, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, and there is a lack of smooth transitions between ideas, causing confusion.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a well-defined introduction that outlines the essay’s main points. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Consider creating a roadmap or outline before writing to ensure a more coherent structure.
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are discernible, but the overall structure lacks sophistication. Some paragraphs address multiple ideas without a clear focus, while others could be more effectively combined to create a more cohesive narrative. There is room for improvement in maintaining a consistent structure and coherence within paragraphs.
- How to improve: Aim for well-structured paragraphs with a clear main idea and supporting details. Avoid straying from the central theme within a paragraph. Consider combining related ideas into unified paragraphs and use topic sentences to guide the reader through each section of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, but their effectiveness is limited. Some transitions between ideas are abrupt, impacting the overall coherence. There is also a repetition of certain phrases, hindering variety and sophistication in language use.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Introduce synonyms or varied expressions to avoid repetitive language. Pay attention to the logical placement of transitional phrases to ensure a seamless flow of ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates some coherence in presenting arguments, there is a need for improved organization, paragraph structure, and the effective use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these elements will contribute to a more logically structured and easily comprehensible essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. While it attempts to use varied vocabulary, some terms are repeated, and there is room for improvement in the diversity of word choices. For instance, terms like "corporate punishments" should be corrected to "corporal punishment," and there is a need for more nuanced expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms, exploring alternative phrases, and incorporating domain-specific vocabulary related to child psychology, law, and social issues. For instance, replacing repetitive phrases like "corporate punishments" with more accurate terms like "corporal discipline" or "physical reprimand" would contribute to a richer lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates imprecise vocabulary usage, leading to unclear communication. For instance, phrases like "heightened threats" and "escalation to abuse behavior" lack specificity, making it challenging for the reader to grasp the intended meaning. Precision in terminology could significantly improve the clarity of the arguments.
- How to improve: Focus on using precise language to convey ideas more accurately. Replace vague terms with specific ones. For example, instead of "heightened threats," specify the nature of threats, such as "increased intimidation or fear." Additionally, refine expressions like "escalation to abuse behavior" to provide a clearer description of the progression from one form of punishment to another.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits numerous spelling errors, such as "corporate" instead of "corporal," "manifest" instead of "manifold," and "coprobation" instead of "corporation." These errors detract from the overall quality of the essay and may impede reader comprehension.
- How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to identify and correct spelling errors. Consider using spell-check tools and paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, reviewing the essay with a focus on accurate spelling will enhance the professionalism of the writing.
In conclusion, while the essay presents arguments against the proposed ban on corporal punishment, there is room for improvement in lexical resource. Enhancing vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more sophisticated and effective communication of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempts at varied sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound structures. However, there is a noticeable lack of fluency and coherence in the use of these structures. For instance, the repeated use of the phrase "now let’s get" hinders the flow of ideas. More sentence variety, particularly in connecting ideas, would enhance the overall structure of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, focus on using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Pay attention to transitions between ideas to create a smoother flow. Varying the length and structure of sentences can also contribute to a more engaging and cohesive essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical issues, including punctuation errors, subject-verb agreement problems, and awkward phrasing. For example, the sentence "firstly i want to give some rebuttals you have said that the corporate punishments are inflict inflict on children’s rights" lacks proper punctuation and has a subject-verb disagreement. Identifying and correcting these errors would enhance the overall grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: Review basic grammar rules, focusing on areas such as subject-verb agreement and proper punctuation. Take the time to proofread the essay to catch and correct errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to gain insights into common grammatical mistakes and ways to address them.
In summary, while the essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, it falls short in achieving fluency and coherence. Moreover, grammatical issues, including punctuation errors and subject-verb agreement problems, impact the overall accuracy of the essay. To improve, the writer should focus on enhancing sentence variety and addressing fundamental grammar rules through careful proofreading and seeking constructive feedback.
Bài sửa mẫu
Firstly, I’d like to address some counterarguments. You mentioned that corporal punishments may infringe on children’s rights. However, it is not evident how you demonstrate that banning them will effectively address this issue. Additionally, claiming that all forms of punishment inflict on children’s rights requires further substantiation.
Let’s delve into framing both sides of the debate. The most extreme forms of punishment are classified as abuse, which is already banned and enforced through mechanisms like the child support system, criminal justice system, and periodic health reports of children. Our goal is to prove how the proposed ban could reduce the ability of existing structures to prevent abuse.
Now, let’s discuss the argument that this ban is ineffective, damaging, and worsens child abuse on three main layers. Firstly, it could dramatically reduce the ability to detect and intervene in instances of child abuse. Children may be less likely to report due to heightened threats from their parents, who may manipulate them into not reporting for fear of being framed as criminals. The normalization of corporal punishment in Vietnamese culture makes criminalizing it a challenge.
Secondly, it may worsen child abuse, making it easier to escalate to verbal and psychological abuse. The threshold for abusive behavior could drop, leading to an increase in instances of abuse. Those currently against child abuse might become less vigilant.
Thirdly, the ban could be damaging, irrespective of enforcement mechanisms. Wealthier parents may feel little to no pressure, while poorer parents may struggle to provide education and food. Placing blame on the children becomes a coping mechanism for some parents, making them less likely to be reported. Simply imposing fines or lectures does not address these underlying issues and could exacerbate the problem.
Instead of an outright ban, alternatives such as mass media campaigns, improved education, and quality discussions on the topic could be explored. These alternatives could address the issue without separating children from loving parents or causing unnecessary stress on the foster care system.
In conclusion, the proposal to ban all forms of corporal punishment in Vietnam may not effectively address the complexities of child abuse. Exploring alternative approaches, as discussed, could lead to more comprehensive and sustainable solutions. Thank you.