What are some other effects of globalisation on cultural diversity? Give some examples in the context of Viet Nam.

Globalization has continually improved day by day and has had significant influences on our society’s cultural diversity. This essay will discuss both positive and negative effects and give some examples in the context of Vietnam.

On the one hand, thanks to globalization, people can access numerous cultural identities from different nations all over the world. Participating in activities relating to cultural exchange, more and more individuals can find their own potential in a variety of fields. The implication of this is that most countries get a range of opportunities which assist them to stimulate economic growth. In Vietnam, oversea businesses allocate funds in order to recruit qualified employees, so the young are able to reach plenty of occupation chances.

On the other hand, the rise of this phenomenon also results in many issues. The compelling reason is that the lack of strict policies on the Internet platforms lead to various bad news being published. As a consequence, the young may change their moral aspects and ideology in a negative way. For example, a few teenagers in Vietnam have the belief that working and living in foreign countries helps them obtain well-being life.

In conclusion, globalization has both merits and drawbacks on cultural diversity. However, on balance, I believe that beneficial impacts outweigh detrimental ones because it brings employment opportunities for lots of areas.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"continually improved day by day" -> "continuously improved over time"
Explanation: "Continually" is often used incorrectly to mean "continuously," which is the correct term for indicating continuous action over time. "Over time" is a more formal and precise way to describe ongoing improvement.
"has had significant influences" -> "has had significant influences on"
Explanation: Adding "on" after "influences" clarifies that the influence is directed towards something, which is necessary for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"people can access numerous cultural identities" -> "individuals can access a wide range of cultural identities"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "a wide range of" is more precise than "numerous," which can be vague.
"more and more individuals" -> "an increasing number of individuals"
Explanation: "An increasing number of" is more formal and precise than "more and more," which is colloquial.
"most countries get a range of opportunities" -> "many countries gain a range of opportunities"
Explanation: "Gain" is more specific and formal than "get," and "many" is more appropriate than "most" in this context.
"oversea businesses" -> "overseas businesses"
Explanation: "Overseas" is the correct adjectival form for referring to businesses operating outside one’s own country.
"allocate funds in order to recruit qualified employees" -> "invest funds to recruit qualified employees"
Explanation: "Invest" is more precise and formal than "allocate," and removing "in order to" simplifies the sentence without losing meaning.
"the young are able to reach plenty of occupation chances" -> "young people have access to numerous career opportunities"
Explanation: "Young people" is more formal and specific than "the young," and "career opportunities" is a more precise term than "occupation chances."
"the rise of this phenomenon also results in many issues" -> "the rise of this phenomenon also leads to several challenges"
Explanation: "Leads to" is more formal than "results in," and "challenges" is a more precise term than "issues" in this context.
"the compelling reason is that" -> "a significant reason is that"
Explanation: "A significant reason" is more formal and academically appropriate than "the compelling reason," which can be seen as overly emotional.
"the lack of strict policies on the Internet platforms lead to" -> "the absence of stringent policies on online platforms leads to"
Explanation: "Absence" and "stringent" are more formal and precise than "lack" and "strict," and "online platforms" is a more modern and accurate term than "Internet platforms."
"the young may change their moral aspects and ideology in a negative way" -> "young individuals may alter their moral values and beliefs in a negative manner"
Explanation: "Young individuals" is more formal than "the young," and "alter" and "manner" are more precise and formal than "change" and "way."
"working and living in foreign countries helps them obtain well-being life" -> "working and living abroad can lead to a better quality of life"
Explanation: "Working and living abroad" is more concise and formal than "working and living in foreign countries," and "better quality of life" is a more precise and formal expression than "well-being life."
"beneficial impacts outweigh detrimental ones" -> "beneficial effects outweigh the detrimental effects"
Explanation: "Effects" is more specific and formal than "impacts," and specifying "the detrimental effects" clarifies that the comparison is between two types of effects.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both positive and negative effects of globalization on cultural diversity, specifically in the context of Vietnam. However, it lacks depth in exploring "other effects" beyond employment opportunities and moral changes. The mention of cultural exchange is too vague and does not provide concrete examples of how this affects cultural diversity in Vietnam.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should identify and elaborate on additional effects of globalization, such as the homogenization of cultures, loss of traditional practices, or the influence of global media. Providing specific examples from Vietnam, such as the impact of Western media on local customs or the adoption of foreign cuisines, would enhance the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that globalization has both positive and negative effects, but it lacks a strong, clear stance throughout. The conclusion states that the beneficial impacts outweigh the detrimental ones, but this position is not consistently reinforced in the body paragraphs. The discussion of negative effects is somewhat overshadowed by the focus on employment opportunities.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph supports this stance. This can be achieved by linking back to the main argument in each paragraph and summarizing how each point contributes to the overall position in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. While the writer mentions cultural exchange and employment opportunities, these points are not sufficiently extended or supported with detailed examples or evidence. The discussion on negative effects is particularly weak, lacking specific instances that illustrate the impact on cultural diversity.
- How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, when discussing cultural exchange, the writer could mention specific festivals or events in Vietnam that showcase this exchange. Additionally, citing studies or statistics related to cultural shifts due to globalization could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on globalization’s effects on cultural diversity. However, some parts, particularly the discussion about employment opportunities, drift slightly away from the core issue of cultural diversity. The mention of moral changes is relevant but could be more directly tied to cultural identity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to cultural diversity. This can be achieved by framing each argument in terms of how it affects cultural identities, practices, and diversity in Vietnam, rather than veering into broader economic or moral implications without clear connections to cultural diversity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both positive and negative effects, and a conclusion. The positive aspects of globalization are discussed first, followed by the negative impacts, which allows for a balanced view. However, the transition between the two sides could be smoother. For instance, the connection between the benefits of cultural exchange and the subsequent negative consequences is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear transitional phrase that ties these ideas together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," when moving from one argument to another. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of globalization’s effects on cultural diversity. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to enhance clarity, as it combines multiple ideas regarding cultural exchange and economic growth without a clear delineation between them.
- How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones, especially when introducing a new idea or example. For instance, separating the discussion of cultural exchange from the economic implications would allow for a more focused analysis within each paragraph. This will also help maintain the reader’s attention and improve overall clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting points. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from a broader variety of linking words and phrases. For example, the phrase "As a consequence" is used, but other devices that indicate cause and effect, such as "therefore," "thus," or "consequently," could enhance the connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words throughout the essay. For instance, when discussing the negative impacts of globalization, you could use phrases like "This leads to," or "Furthermore," to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion without repetitive language.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "cultural identities," "cultural exchange," and "economic growth." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "cultural diversity" appears multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "cultural diversity," they might use "cultural variety," "cultural multiplicity," or "cultural richness." Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to globalization, such as "interconnectedness" or "cultural assimilation," could elevate the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "bad news being published" is vague and could be more specific. It is unclear what "bad news" refers to, which detracts from the clarity of the argument. Additionally, the phrase "well-being life" is awkward and not commonly used in English.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for clearer and more specific language. Instead of "bad news," they could specify "misleading information" or "negative cultural influences." The phrase "well-being life" could be revised to "a better quality of life" or "improved living standards" to convey the intended meaning more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there is a noticeable spelling mistake in "oversea," which should be "overseas." Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary can help reduce errors. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the phrase "thanks to globalization, people can access numerous cultural identities from different nations" effectively uses a dependent clause to introduce the main idea. Additionally, the use of phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" helps to structure the argument clearly. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "the young" or "globalization," which can reduce the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider varying the sentence openings and using more diverse grammatical forms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the young," you could employ synonyms or rephrase to include "youth" or "young individuals." Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay’s grammatical variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "the lack of strict policies on the Internet platforms lead to various bad news being published" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "lead" should be "leads." Additionally, the phrase "helps them obtain well-being life" is awkward and should be revised to "helps them achieve a better quality of life." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "thanks to globalization."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. For punctuation, review rules regarding comma usage, particularly in complex sentences and lists, to ensure clarity and coherence. Reading more academic texts can also provide insights into proper punctuation and structure.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Globalization has continuously improved over time and has had significant influences on our society’s cultural diversity. This essay will discuss both the positive and negative effects, providing examples in the context of Vietnam.

On the one hand, thanks to globalization, individuals can access a wide range of cultural identities from different nations around the world. By participating in activities related to cultural exchange, an increasing number of individuals can discover their potential in various fields. The implication of this is that many countries gain a range of opportunities that assist in stimulating economic growth. In Vietnam, overseas businesses invest funds to recruit qualified employees, allowing young people to access numerous career opportunities.

On the other hand, the rise of this phenomenon also leads to several challenges. A significant reason is that the absence of stringent policies on online platforms leads to various negative content being disseminated. As a consequence, young individuals may alter their moral values and beliefs in a negative manner. For example, some teenagers in Vietnam believe that working and living abroad guarantees a better quality of life.

In conclusion, globalization has both merits and drawbacks on cultural diversity. However, on balance, I believe that the beneficial effects outweigh the detrimental effects because it brings employment opportunities to many areas.