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When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Job seekers are considered for job selection like experience, benefits, learning, workplace environment, and salary. Personally, I feel salary is an important factor, but not the most important one. It is true that some job seekers select their career based on salary level. The more handsome income you get, the better quality of your life becomes. For instant, the wage will give you a convenience life to have car, your own house, the good stability of your future. On top of that, people with low salaries would not be able to receive medical support once they are ill. On the other hand, people with low salaries would not be able to receive medical support once they are ill. Therefore, when people don’t get enough money from their job, they may become exhausted, and hard to be cured when sick. There are multiple factors apply as crucial as the salary, which i will discuss in this paragraph. Firstly, people should take the distance between the workplace and the dwelling into consideration, because excessive commuting time is a cost. Secondly, an ideal career should offer employees different welfare, such as performance bonuses and medical insurance. Last but not least, unreasonable working hours will damage people's health for long term. For instance, people who always work overtime have no chance to ease themselves physically and mentally and may encounter breakdowns eventually. In conclusion, it is important for people to take not only the salary but also workplace distance, given welfare, and working hours into consideration when seeking a suitable


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "like" -> "such as"
    Explanation: Replacing "like" with "such as" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic style.

  2. "Personally, I feel" -> "In my opinion,"
    Explanation: "Personally, I feel" is somewhat redundant. The suggested replacement, "In my opinion," maintains the author’s voice while sounding more formal.

  3. "handsome income" -> "substantial income"
    Explanation: "Handsome income" may sound informal. Replacing it with "substantial income" maintains the emphasis on a good salary while using a more formal term.

  4. "For instant" -> "For instance"
    Explanation: "For instant" is incorrect; the correct phrase is "For instance," which is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  5. "convenience life" -> "comfortable life"
    Explanation: "Convenience life" is awkward; replacing it with "comfortable life" maintains clarity and improves the formality of the expression.

  6. "have car" -> "own a car"
    Explanation: "Have car" lacks the necessary article and is informal. The suggested replacement, "own a car," is more grammatically correct and formal.

  7. "your own house" -> "a personal residence"
    Explanation: "Your own house" can be refined to "a personal residence" for a more formal tone.

  8. "the good stability of your future" -> "financial stability"
    Explanation: "The good stability of your future" is awkward; replacing it with "financial stability" is more precise and formal.

  9. "people with low salaries" -> "individuals with lower incomes"
    Explanation: "People with low salaries" can be replaced with "individuals with lower incomes" for a more formal expression.

  10. "medical support" -> "healthcare assistance"
    Explanation: "Medical support" can be replaced with "healthcare assistance" for a more formal and precise term.

  11. "when people don’t get enough money" -> "if individuals do not earn sufficient income"
    Explanation: "When people don’t get enough money" can be replaced with "if individuals do not earn sufficient income" for a more formal construction.

  12. "may become exhausted" -> "might experience exhaustion"
    Explanation: "May become exhausted" can be refined to "might experience exhaustion" for a more formal expression.

  13. "hard to be cured" -> "difficult to recover"
    Explanation: "Hard to be cured" can be replaced with "difficult to recover" for improved formality.

  14. "apply as crucial as" -> "are as crucial as"
    Explanation: "Apply as crucial as" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "are as crucial as" provides a correct and formal expression.

  15. "which i will discuss in this paragraph" -> "which I will elaborate on in the following paragraphs"
    Explanation: The phrase "which i will discuss in this paragraph" can be replaced with "which I will elaborate on in the following paragraphs" for a more formal and detailed transition.

  16. "Firstly" -> "First and foremost"
    Explanation: "Firstly" can be replaced with "First and foremost" for a more formal and emphatic introduction of the first point.

  17. "dwelling" -> "place of residence"
    Explanation: "Dwelling" can be replaced with "place of residence" for a more formal expression.

  18. "excessive commuting time is a cost" -> "lengthy commuting times incur costs"
    Explanation: "Excessive commuting time is a cost" can be refined to "lengthy commuting times incur costs" for a more formal and precise statement.

  19. "Last but not least" -> "Lastly"
    Explanation: "Last but not least" can be replaced with "Lastly" for a more formal transition.

  20. "working hours" -> "work hours"
    Explanation: "Working hours" can be replaced with "work hours" for a more concise and formal term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address different factors influencing job selection, including salary, experience, benefits, learning, and workplace environment. However, the response lacks clarity in addressing the specific question of whether salary is the most important consideration. The essay mentions that salary is important but not the most important without clearly exploring the extent of agreement or disagreement.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, the writer should explicitly state their position on whether they agree or disagree with the notion that salary is the most important consideration. Additionally, provide more specific examples or details supporting this stance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat unclear and inconsistent. While it initially suggests that salary is not the most important factor, it later discusses the significance of salary, emphasizing its role in providing a comfortable life and necessary support, which may create confusion.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should clearly state their perspective in the introduction and consistently support and elaborate on this stance throughout the essay. Avoid contradictory statements that may confuse the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, such as the importance of salary, workplace distance, welfare, and working hours, but lacks development and depth. For example, the discussion on workplace distance and unreasonable working hours is brief and lacks specific examples or elaboration.
    • How to improve: To improve idea presentation and development, provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. Elaborate on how these factors impact job satisfaction and selection. Strengthen the argument by offering specific instances or evidence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the topic by discussing factors like workplace distance, welfare, and working hours. While these are relevant, the essay should focus on the extent to which salary is the most important consideration.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic, ensure that each point made in the essay directly relates to the importance of salary in job selection. If discussing additional factors, tie them back explicitly to the central theme of salary consideration.

In conclusion, while the essay touches on various aspects of job selection, it needs to refine its focus on the specific prompt and present a more coherent and well-supported argument. Strengthening the position, providing specific examples, and ensuring each point aligns with the main topic will contribute to an improved response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction briefly introduces various factors considered in job selection, including salary, and the body paragraphs discuss these factors. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the mention of low salaries affecting medical support twice. Additionally, the transition between ideas is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, avoid unnecessary repetition and consider a smoother transition between ideas. Clearly outline each paragraph’s main point, and ensure a logical progression from one idea to the next.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for readers to follow. For instance, the paragraph discussing factors other than salary combines workplace distance, welfare, and working hours without clear separation.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, and use topic sentences to clearly convey the purpose of each paragraph. Create a new paragraph for each distinct point, fostering readability and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as linking words ("Firstly," "Secondly," "Last but not least"). However, there is limited variety, and some connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened for a more cohesive overall structure.
    • How to improve: Diversify cohesive devices by incorporating a range of transition words and phrases. Use pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, creating a smoother connection between sentences. Ensure that the relationships between ideas are clearly established to enhance overall cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, but refinement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices can contribute to a more effective and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, incorporating words like "benefits," "convenience," and "exhausted." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. Repetition of phrases such as "good stability of your future" and "people with low salaries would not be able to receive medical support once they are ill" affects the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring more diverse vocabulary related to the topic. For example, instead of repeating the idea about medical support, explore different ways to express the concept of financial challenges during illnesses.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is moderate. While there is an attempt to convey ideas, some terms lack specificity. For instance, the phrase "good stability of your future" could be more precisely expressed to provide a clearer picture of financial security.
    • How to improve: Aim for more precise and nuanced language. Instead of general terms like "good stability," consider using specific terms like "financial security" or "economic stability" to convey the idea more accurately. This will contribute to a clearer and more impactful expression of concepts.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate, with no major issues observed in the essay. However, there are some minor grammatical errors, such as missing articles in phrases like "have car" and "the wage will give you a convenience life."
    • How to improve: Pay attention to minor grammatical details, including the use of articles. In this case, it should be "have a car" and "the wage will give you a convenient life." Reviewing such details can contribute to overall language accuracy and clarity. Additionally, consider proofreading to catch any overlooked errors before finalizing the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency to rely on basic sentence structures, and some sentences are overly repetitive, affecting the overall variety. For instance, the repeated mention of "people with low salaries would not be able to receive medical support once they are ill" diminishes the diversity of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound or compound-complex sentences. Vary the beginnings and lengths of sentences to create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style. Avoid repetitive statements, especially within the same paragraph.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "For instant" should be corrected to "For instance," and there is a repetition of the statement about low salaries and medical support.
    • How to improve: Review the essay carefully for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Pay attention to article usage, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. Additionally, ensure that ideas are expressed clearly and concisely, avoiding unnecessary repetition. Consider seeking feedback or proofreading to catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammatical range and accuracy, but improvements in sentence structure variety and careful proofreading can elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

When selecting a job, various factors come into play, including experience, benefits, learning opportunities, workplace environment, and salary. In my opinion, while salary holds significance, it is not the sole determinant. It is undeniable that some individuals base their career choices solely on the level of income. The higher the income, the more comfortable and stable one’s life can be. For instance, a substantial income enables individuals to own a car, acquire a personal residence, and secure their financial stability for the future. Moreover, those with lower incomes may struggle to access healthcare assistance when needed, potentially leading to exhaustion that is difficult to recover from.

However, there are other factors that are as crucial as salary, which I will elaborate on in the following paragraphs. First and foremost, individuals should consider the distance between their workplace and place of residence, as lengthy commuting times incur costs, both in terms of time and money. Additionally, an ideal career should provide various employee benefits, such as performance bonuses and medical insurance. Lastly, it is essential to consider reasonable work hours, as excessive working hours can have long-term health implications. For instance, individuals who consistently work overtime may find it challenging to maintain their physical and mental well-being, potentially leading to breakdowns in the long run.

In conclusion, while salary is an important aspect of job selection, it should not be the sole focus. It is crucial for individuals to consider not only the salary but also factors such as workplace distance, available welfare, and reasonable working hours when seeking a suitable job.

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