Why do people choose cosmetic surgery to change their appearance? Is cosmetic surgery positive/negative?
Why do people choose cosmetic surgery to change their appearance? Is cosmetic surgery positive/negative?
There is an increase in the number of people who choose to have cosmetic procedure to enhance their appearance. This essay aims to discover the cause behind this trend and the negative development to harm a person’s health.
There are several reasons why people have operations to change the way they look. Firstly, people want to meet society’s expectations for beauty. By rising of the social media, there is increase pressure to have a body standard, such as small waist, curvy hips, which is promoted on social media such as Tiktok and Instagram. Besides, some people need to change their appearance to feel more confident. By altering their physical appearance, individuals may feel happier and gain greater self-assurance with skin and shape meet standard, which lead to better quality of life.
While plastic surgery can offer benefits, it also poses physical and psychological risks. Although technology is more advantage and modern, cosmetic procedure make too risky and difficult, which leads to problem with physical such as infection, scarring, and post-anesthetic issues. In severe cases, people may experience facial dysmorphia or even death. Psychological problem is a consequence of cosmetic procedure. Patients suffer from depression and anxiety or become addicted to plastic surgery, all of which contribute to poor mental health.
In conclusion, the pressure to meet society’s expectations for beauty and the hope become more beautiful has led to increase of the cosmetic surgery industry. However, cosmetic surgery makes not only physical risk but also metal problem to patients.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"There is an increase in the number of people who choose to have cosmetic procedure" -> "There is an increasing trend among individuals to undergo cosmetic procedures"
Explanation: The phrase "increasing trend among individuals to undergo cosmetic procedures" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of "There is an increase in the number of people who choose to have cosmetic procedure." -
"This essay aims to discover the cause behind this trend" -> "This essay seeks to investigate the underlying causes of this trend"
Explanation: "Seeks to investigate" is more academically appropriate than "aims to discover," which sounds less formal and slightly vague. -
"the negative development to harm a person’s health" -> "the detrimental effects on a person’s health"
Explanation: "Detrimental effects" is a more precise and formal term than "negative development," which is vague and less commonly used in academic writing. -
"people have operations to change the way they look" -> "individuals undergo procedures to alter their appearance"
Explanation: "Undergo procedures to alter their appearance" is more formal and specific than "have operations to change the way they look." -
"By rising of the social media" -> "With the rise of social media"
Explanation: "With the rise of social media" is grammatically correct and more formal than "By rising of the social media." -
"there is increase pressure" -> "there is increased pressure"
Explanation: "Increased" is the correct form to use when referring to a growing amount of something, whereas "increase" is a noun. -
"small waist, curvy hips" -> "small waistlines and curvaceous hips"
Explanation: "Small waistlines and curvaceous hips" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone. -
"which is promoted on social media such as Tiktok and Instagram" -> "which is promoted on platforms such as TikTok and Instagram"
Explanation: "Platforms" is a more formal term than "social media," and "TikTok" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. -
"skin and shape meet standard" -> "skin and body shape conform to standards"
Explanation: "Conform to standards" is more precise and formal than "meet standard," which is grammatically incorrect. -
"which lead to better quality of life" -> "which can lead to an improved quality of life"
Explanation: "Can lead to an improved quality of life" is more cautious and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"cosmetic procedure make too risky and difficult" -> "cosmetic procedures are too risky and challenging"
Explanation: "Procedures are too risky and challenging" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal vocabulary. -
"problem with physical such as infection, scarring, and post-anesthetic issues" -> "physical complications such as infections, scarring, and post-anesthetic issues"
Explanation: "Physical complications" is a more precise and formal term than "problem with physical." -
"metal problem to patients" -> "mental health issues in patients"
Explanation: "Mental health issues" is the correct term, replacing the incorrect "metal problem" which is a typographical error and not appropriate in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons people choose cosmetic surgery and the potential negative consequences associated with it. The first paragraph effectively outlines societal pressures and personal confidence as reasons for undergoing cosmetic procedures. The second paragraph discusses the physical and psychological risks, which aligns with the prompt’s request for an evaluation of cosmetic surgery’s positive and negative aspects. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, as it leans slightly more towards the negative consequences without fully elaborating on any potential benefits.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should include more detailed examples of the positive aspects of cosmetic surgery, such as improved self-esteem or successful outcomes that lead to life changes. A clearer distinction between the benefits and risks, perhaps by dedicating separate sections to each, would provide a more comprehensive answer.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges both the motivations for cosmetic surgery and its risks. However, the position could be strengthened by consistently reinforcing the implications of these motivations throughout the essay. For example, while the introduction states the aim to explore both causes and negative impacts, the conclusion reiterates the negative aspects without summarizing the positive motivations discussed earlier.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph ties back to the thesis statement. This could involve restating the main points in the conclusion and emphasizing how they interrelate, thus reinforcing the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for cosmetic surgery and its risks, but the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the mention of social media influence is relevant, it could be further supported with specific examples or statistics to illustrate the extent of this influence. Additionally, the discussion of psychological risks is valid but lacks depth and specific examples of how these issues manifest in patients.
- How to improve: To improve the development and support of ideas, the writer should incorporate specific examples, anecdotes, or data that illustrate the points being made. For instance, citing studies on the psychological effects of cosmetic surgery or providing real-life testimonials could enhance the credibility and depth of the arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for cosmetic surgery and its implications. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the phrase "the hope become more beautiful" in the conclusion is awkwardly phrased and could confuse the reader about the intended message. Additionally, the transition between discussing societal pressures and the risks of surgery could be smoother to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Using clear transitions between ideas and revising awkward phrases for clarity will help keep the reader engaged and ensure that the essay remains tightly focused on the topic.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing the balance of perspectives, deepening the support for ideas, and improving clarity will help elevate the score further.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons for cosmetic surgery, and the potential risks involved. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing societal pressures to the personal benefits of cosmetic surgery is somewhat abrupt. The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph and how it connects to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing societal pressures, a transition like "In addition to societal expectations, many individuals pursue cosmetic surgery to boost their self-esteem" would create a smoother flow. Furthermore, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, but the internal structure of each paragraph could be improved. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas without clear delineation, making it harder to follow. The second body paragraph also lacks a clear connection between the risks mentioned and the overall argument about cosmetic surgery.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally begin with a strong topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. For instance, in the paragraph discussing risks, start with a sentence that clearly states the risks associated with cosmetic surgery, followed by specific examples and explanations. This will help maintain focus and coherence within each paragraph.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly" and "Besides," to indicate the flow of ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some transitions are not used effectively. For instance, phrases like "Although technology is more advantage and modern" could be better articulated to enhance clarity and cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that all cohesive devices are used correctly; for example, "Although" should be followed by a contrasting clause. A more precise phrasing could be "Although advancements in technology have made procedures safer, they still carry significant risks."
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of cosmetic surgery. Words such as "enhance," "operations," "confidence," and "psychological risks" indicate an attempt to use varied language. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, such as the repeated use of "cosmetic procedure" and "appearance." Additionally, phrases like "increase pressure" and "rise of the social media" could be expressed with more variety.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "cosmetic procedure," alternatives like "aesthetic surgery" or "surgical enhancements" could be used. Expanding vocabulary around societal beauty standards, such as "aesthetic ideals" or "cultural norms," would also enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes relevant vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the hope become more beautiful" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. Additionally, "make too risky and difficult" is vague; it would be more effective to specify what makes it risky. The term "metal problem" in the conclusion is a typographical error that should read "mental problem."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Revising sentences for grammatical correctness, such as changing "the hope become more beautiful" to "the hope of becoming more beautiful," would enhance understanding. Furthermore, using specific terms to describe risks, such as "surgical complications" instead of "too risky," would provide clearer communication.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact the overall quality. For example, "procedure" is missing an "s" in the phrase "cosmetic procedure," and "advantage" should be "advantageous." Additionally, "metal problem" is a clear misspelling of "mental problem." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Creating a list of commonly misspelled words related to the topic and practicing them can also be beneficial. Furthermore, reading the essay aloud may help identify errors that are easily overlooked during silent reading.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary related to cosmetic surgery, improvements in lexical range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring grammatical accuracy, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can significantly improve their lexical resource in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "There are several reasons why people have operations to change the way they look" is a clear and straightforward statement. However, the essay relies heavily on simple and compound sentences, which limits the overall complexity and sophistication of the writing. Complex structures are somewhat lacking, as seen in phrases like "which is promoted on social media such as Tiktok and Instagram," where the relative clause could be better integrated into a more complex sentence.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying, "By rising of the social media, there is increase pressure," a more complex structure could be, "As social media has risen in prominence, the pressure to conform to beauty standards has significantly increased." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using different conjunctions can help create a more engaging and dynamic writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "By rising of the social media" should be corrected to "With the rise of social media," and "there is increase pressure" should be "there is increased pressure." Furthermore, phrases like "which lead to better quality of life" should use "leads" to agree with the singular subject "which." Punctuation errors are also present, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can help. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used correctly in complex sentences will enhance clarity. For instance, the sentence "However, cosmetic surgery makes not only physical risk but also metal problem to patients" could be revised to "However, cosmetic surgery poses not only physical risks but also mental health problems for patients," correcting both grammar and punctuation.
By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is an increasing trend in the number of people who choose to have cosmetic procedures to enhance their appearance. This essay aims to discover the causes behind this trend and the negative developments that can harm a person’s health.
There are several reasons why people undergo operations to change the way they look. Firstly, people want to meet society’s expectations for beauty. With the rise of social media, there is increased pressure to conform to body standards, such as small waists and curvy hips, which are promoted on platforms such as TikTok and Instagram. Besides, some individuals need to change their appearance to feel more confident. By altering their physical appearance, individuals may feel happier and gain greater self-assurance when their skin and body shape conform to standards, which can lead to an improved quality of life.
While cosmetic surgery can offer benefits, it also poses physical and psychological risks. Although technology is more advanced and modern, cosmetic procedures can be too risky and challenging, which leads to problems such as infections, scarring, and post-anesthetic issues. In severe cases, people may experience facial dysmorphia or even death. Mental health issues are a consequence of cosmetic procedures. Patients may suffer from depression and anxiety or become addicted to plastic surgery, all of which contribute to poor mental health.
In conclusion, the pressure to meet society’s expectations for beauty and the hope of becoming more beautiful has led to an increase in the cosmetic surgery industry. However, cosmetic surgery poses not only physical risks but also mental health problems for patients.