With the aging of society, we are now beginning to see a growing interest in further abolishment of mandatory retirement. Do you think that mandatory retirement is obsolete or should be sustained?

With the emerging problem of extended life expectancy in contemporary society, people are diverting their attention to the cancellation of obligatory retirement. From my perspective, forced retirement has become obsolete in societal outlooks.

To begin with, allowing the elderly to prolong their work phase is an effective strategy to combat the aging population. Increasing senior population has raised concerns about new social issues such as degrading labor force, increased government expenditure, and so on. Due to that phenomenon, it is crucial to implement new resolutions and abandon improper ones as adaptations to future prospects. To be specific, replacing forced retirement to a more suitable legislation is an essential act to minimize the impacts of increasing life expectancy. For this reason, canceling this obligation is necessary to promote developmental prospects.

Another justification is that elderly individuals require more flexible retiring principles to adjust to this modern societal situation. Firstly, unrestricted working age allows them to assist their families. In other words, when senior populations are permitted to engage in the workforce, they are able to provide financial support and relieve the burden in the family unit. Additionally, further contributions to the labor force of the elderly help to alleviate age discrimination in numerous nations. Balanced efforts to stimulate the economy blur the boundaries between younger generations and their older counterparts, thus supporting senior citizens to feel more engaged and foster an inclusive society.

In conclusion, I concur with the abolishment of mandatory retirement as this enactment is no longer appropriate to the current society and it can promote further advantages individually.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"With the emerging problem of extended life expectancy" -> "With the increasing trend of extended life expectancy"
Explanation: "Emerging problem" is somewhat vague and informal. "Increasing trend" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts to describe ongoing developments.
"people are diverting their attention to the cancellation of obligatory retirement" -> "there is a growing focus on abolishing mandatory retirement"
Explanation: "Diverting their attention" is informal and slightly awkward. "There is a growing focus on" is more formal and direct, fitting the academic style better.
"forced retirement has become obsolete in societal outlooks" -> "the concept of mandatory retirement has become outdated in societal perspectives"
Explanation: "Forced retirement" is redundant as "mandatory" conveys the same meaning. "Outdated" is more precise than "obsolete," and "societal perspectives" is a more formal term than "societal outlooks."
"allowing the elderly to prolong their work phase" -> "enabling the elderly to extend their working years"
Explanation: "Prolong their work phase" is less formal and slightly unclear. "Extend their working years" is more specific and formal.
"degrading labor force" -> "decline in the labor force"
Explanation: "Degrading" is an inappropriate choice as it implies a negative quality. "Decline" is the correct term for describing a decrease in the labor force.
"Due to that phenomenon" -> "owing to this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Due to that" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Owing to this" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"replace forced retirement to a more suitable legislation" -> "replace mandatory retirement with more suitable legislation"
Explanation: "To" is incorrectly used before "a more suitable legislation." "With" is the correct preposition for introducing an alternative.
"canceling this obligation is necessary" -> "abolishing this requirement is essential"
Explanation: "Canceling" is less formal than "abolishing," and "necessary" is less emphatic than "essential," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"unrestricted working age" -> "flexible retirement age"
Explanation: "Unrestricted working age" is awkward and unclear. "Flexible retirement age" is more precise and commonly used in formal discussions about retirement policies.
"relieve the burden in the family unit" -> "alleviate the family’s burden"
Explanation: "Relieve the burden in the family unit" is awkward and slightly informal. "Alleviate the family’s burden" is more direct and formal.
"further contributions to the labor force of the elderly" -> "additional contributions from the elderly to the labor force"
Explanation: "Further contributions to the labor force of the elderly" is awkwardly phrased. "Additional contributions from the elderly to the labor force" is clearer and more formal.
"balanced efforts to stimulate the economy" -> "balanced initiatives to boost the economy"
Explanation: "Efforts" is less specific than "initiatives," and "stimulate" is less formal than "boost," which is commonly used in economic contexts.
"abolishment of mandatory retirement" -> "abolition of mandatory retirement"
Explanation: "Abolishment" is less commonly used and slightly archaic; "abolition" is the standard term in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by arguing that mandatory retirement is obsolete and should be abolished. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this stance. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the implications of an aging population and the need for legislative changes, while the second body paragraph emphasizes the benefits of allowing elderly individuals to work longer, such as financial support for families and combating age discrimination.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a counterargument acknowledging the potential benefits of mandatory retirement, such as creating job opportunities for younger generations or addressing workforce dynamics. This would demonstrate a more balanced consideration of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently advocating for the abolishment of mandatory retirement. Phrases like "from my perspective" and "I concur with the abolishment" reinforce this stance. The essay’s structure supports this clarity, with each paragraph focused on a specific aspect of the argument.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could benefit from more explicit transitions between ideas. Using phrases such as "Furthermore" or "In addition" at the beginning of paragraphs could enhance the flow and reinforce the connection between the ideas presented.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with logical reasoning. For example, the discussion on the economic benefits of allowing elderly individuals to work longer is well-articulated. However, the essay could provide more specific examples or data to substantiate claims, such as statistics on the economic contributions of older workers or studies highlighting the effects of age discrimination.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should consider incorporating specific examples or case studies that illustrate the points made. This could include referencing countries that have successfully implemented flexible retirement policies or research findings that demonstrate the positive impact of older workers on the economy.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of mandatory retirement and its relevance in contemporary society. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument, and there are no significant deviations from the prompt. The writer effectively ties the discussion back to the main question of whether mandatory retirement should be abolished.
- How to improve: To further ensure that the essay stays on topic, the writer could periodically refer back to the prompt in the body paragraphs. For instance, reiterating the question or summarizing how each point relates to the concept of mandatory retirement would reinforce the essay’s focus and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggested areas for improvement, the writer could elevate their response to an even higher level of sophistication and depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by outlining the issue of mandatory retirement and the author’s stance. Each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details that are relevant and well-explained. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the societal benefits of allowing the elderly to work longer, while the second focuses on the personal advantages for elderly individuals. This structure aids in maintaining a coherent flow of information.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, a transitional sentence could be added to indicate that the next point will further explore the benefits of flexible retirement for individuals. This would help in creating a smoother transition between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, with each one dedicated to a specific point that supports the overall argument. The paragraphs are of appropriate length and contain a mix of explanations and examples, which aids in clarity. The introduction and conclusion are also well-defined, framing the essay effectively. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, as it currently combines multiple points about family support and age discrimination without distinct transitions.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. In the second body paragraph, consider splitting it into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the financial support aspect and the other on combating age discrimination. This would allow for deeper exploration of each point and enhance clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "for this reason," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas and maintain flow. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are moments where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "due to that phenomenon" is somewhat repetitive and could be replaced with alternatives to enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "additionally," consider alternatives such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "moreover." Additionally, using phrases that indicate contrast or comparison, like "on the other hand" or "in contrast," could provide a more nuanced discussion of the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication in its argumentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "extended life expectancy," "obligatory retirement," and "age discrimination." These terms reflect an understanding of the subject matter and contribute to the overall argument. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "canceling this obligation" could be replaced with alternatives like "abolishing this requirement" or "eliminating this mandate" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting can help identify alternative words that convey the same meaning but add diversity to the language used.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the term "degrading labor force" could be misleading; it may be better expressed as "declining labor force quality" or "diminishing workforce participation." Additionally, the phrase "improper ones as adaptations" is somewhat vague and could benefit from clearer language, such as "ineffective policies that need to be reformed."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately reflect their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing the context in which words are used and ensuring that they align with the argument being presented. Practicing paraphrasing can also help in finding the most suitable terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong command of spelling, with no noticeable errors that detract from the overall quality of the writing. Words such as "contemporary," "obligatory," and "legislation" are spelled correctly, demonstrating a solid grasp of standard English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any potential errors that may have been overlooked during the writing process. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can bolster overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource due to its effective use of vocabulary, though there are areas for improvement in terms of variety and precision. By focusing on these aspects and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource further in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "allowing the elderly to prolong their work phase" and "it is crucial to implement new resolutions" showcases an effective command of complex structures. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional clauses or varied sentence openings, which could enhance the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more conditional sentences (e.g., "If mandatory retirement were abolished, it could lead to…") and vary sentence openings to avoid predictability. Additionally, using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help create smoother connections between ideas and add complexity to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the cancellation of obligatory retirement" is grammatically correct, but the term "obligatory" could be replaced with "mandatory" for consistency with the prompt. There are also some awkward constructions, such as "Due to that phenomenon," which could be more clearly stated as "As a result of this phenomenon." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "thus" in the sentence "Balanced efforts to stimulate the economy blur the boundaries between younger generations and their older counterparts, thus supporting senior citizens to feel more engaged."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence restructuring can help avoid repetitive patterns. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity and flow. Reading more complex texts can also provide insights into effective punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. Engaging with more varied sentence forms and enhancing punctuation use will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

With the increasing trend of extended life expectancy in contemporary society, people are turning their attention to the abolishment of mandatory retirement. From my perspective, the concept of mandatory retirement has become outdated in societal perspectives.

To begin with, enabling the elderly to extend their working years is an effective strategy to address the challenges posed by an aging population. The rising number of senior citizens has raised concerns about new social issues such as a decline in the labor force and increased government expenditure. Owing to this phenomenon, it is crucial to implement new solutions and abandon outdated practices as adaptations to future prospects. Specifically, replacing mandatory retirement with more suitable legislation is essential to minimize the impacts of increasing life expectancy. For this reason, abolishing this requirement is necessary to promote developmental opportunities.

Another justification is that elderly individuals require more flexible retirement policies to adapt to the modern societal landscape. Firstly, a flexible retirement age allows them to assist their families. In other words, when senior populations are permitted to engage in the workforce, they can provide financial support and alleviate the family’s burden. Additionally, the additional contributions from the elderly to the labor force help to combat age discrimination in numerous nations. Balanced initiatives to boost the economy blur the boundaries between younger generations and their older counterparts, thus supporting senior citizens in feeling more engaged and fostering an inclusive society.

In conclusion, I support the abolition of mandatory retirement, as this requirement is no longer appropriate for current society and can promote further advantages for individuals.