Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Many people believe that women and men should be dismissed from specific working fields based on the exclusive traits of their genders. This essay will disagree with this statement because people can improve their abilities over time, and it is immoral to limit an individual’s career path.
The advantages and disadvantages of individuals are not fixed in their genders, in fact, it will transform in a positive way if those individuals know how to become a better version of themselves. Allocating the weaknesses in order to improve them as well as leveraging the strengths in a most sufficient way are the two keys to success in every field without concern about gender. For example, numerous famous male chefs who struggled in their early career years due to the culinary domain is notorious for only belonging to women, and eventually, by hard work, they overcome all those challenges.
The immorality is. another reason why you should not prohibit individuals from accessing a specific profession owing to their gender. People did not have an opportunity to decide their sexualities when they were born, and because of that, they much have the autonomy to pursue their career paths, it will waste the potential of many people if they are prevented from doing that. For instance, in the past, women did not have the right to vote or participate in political areas, and after these discriminatory policies toward women were lifted, we witnessed many talented female politicians have their chances to shine.
In conclusion, I again the exclusion of genders in professional fields, because the differences in both strengths and weaknesses can change over time, and it heavily breaches the human rights of many people if this statement was executed.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"dismissed" -> "excluded"
Explanation: Replacing "dismissed" with "excluded" maintains a formal tone and conveys the idea of being kept out of specific working fields based on gender without using an overly casual term.
"it is immoral" -> "it is unethical"
Explanation: Substituting "immoral" with "unethical" enhances the academic tone by using a more precise term, aligning with formal language norms.
"improve their abilities" -> "enhance their skills"
Explanation: "Enhance their skills" is a more sophisticated and precise alternative to "improve their abilities," fitting well within an academic context.
"transform in a positive way" -> "evolve positively"
Explanation: "Evolve positively" is a more formal and concise phrase, contributing to a more academic tone in discussing the transformation of individuals’ strengths and weaknesses.
"Allocating the weaknesses" -> "Addressing weaknesses"
Explanation: "Addressing weaknesses" is a clearer and more academic expression compared to "Allocating the weaknesses," providing a better flow to the sentence.
"most sufficient way" -> "most effective manner"
Explanation: Substituting "most sufficient way" with "most effective manner" adds precision and formality to the statement, maintaining a higher level of language.
"due to the culinary domain is notorious for only belonging to women" -> "because the culinary domain was traditionally associated exclusively with women"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and provides a clearer explanation of why male chefs faced challenges in their early career years.
"by hard work" -> "through diligent effort"
Explanation: "Through diligent effort" is a more sophisticated phrase than "by hard work," contributing to a more formal and academically appropriate language.
"The immorality is" -> "Another ethical concern is"
Explanation: Starting the sentence with "Another ethical concern is" enhances the formality of the statement and provides a smoother transition to the next point.
"People did not have an opportunity to decide their sexualities" -> "Individuals did not have the opportunity to choose their sexual orientations"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal language and specifies "sexual orientations" for clarity and precision.
"they much have the autonomy" -> "they must have the autonomy"
Explanation: Correcting the typo by changing "much" to "must" improves the grammatical accuracy of the sentence.
"it will waste the potential of many people if they are prevented from doing that" -> "it would hinder the potential of numerous individuals if they were barred from pursuing their chosen paths"
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains a formal tone while providing a more elaborate and precise expression of the idea.
"I again the exclusion of genders" -> "I oppose the exclusion based on gender"
Explanation: Replacing "again" with "oppose" and restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality in expressing the writer’s stance.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of individuals based on their genders. It mentions the transformative nature of abilities over time and argues against the exclusion of genders from certain professions.
- How to improve: The essay is already strong in this aspect. To enhance it further, consider providing more specific examples or elaborating on the idea of transformative abilities over time.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance against excluding individuals based on gender throughout. The thesis statement clearly articulates the disagreement with the idea of dismissing people from specific fields based on gender, and this position is consistently upheld.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph ties back to the central argument. Emphasize the thesis statement in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for added clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the ideas coherently, elaborates on the concept of improving abilities over time, and provides a relevant example of male chefs overcoming challenges in a traditionally female-dominated field. However, more examples or detailed explanations could enhance the development of ideas.
- How to improve: While the example of male chefs is relevant, consider incorporating more diverse examples to enrich the essay. Additionally, provide deeper analysis and elaboration on each point to ensure a thorough exploration of ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the question of whether it is right to exclude individuals from professions based on gender. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as in the transition between discussing transformative abilities and the immorality of exclusion.
- How to improve: Maintain a strong connection between paragraphs and ideas to ensure a seamless flow. Consider using transitions to guide the reader through the logical progression of your argument and maintain a consistent focus on the essay prompt.
In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, presents a clear and consistent position, and provides relevant support for its ideas. To further improve, the writer can incorporate more examples, elaborate on key points, and ensure a seamless flow between ideas. Overall, it is a well-crafted essay with room for refinement and enhancement.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization. It starts with a clear thesis statement in the introduction, followed by well-structured body paragraphs presenting arguments and examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining transitions between paragraphs for a smoother connection of ideas. Make sure each paragraph builds on the previous one, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, and the structure is generally effective. However, some paragraphs could benefit from more development and elaboration to fully support the main ideas.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and provides sufficient details and examples to support the argument. Aim for a balance in paragraph length to maintain reader engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases and pronouns, to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used for a more varied and sophisticated expression.
- How to improve: Experiment with a broader range of cohesive devices, including synonyms, parallel structures, and varied sentence structures. This will add depth and nuance to the essay, contributing to a higher level of cohesion.
The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs for a seamless flow of ideas. Additionally, enhance paragraph development by providing more detailed examples and ensuring each paragraph contributes significantly to the overall argument. Experiment with a wider array of cohesive devices to elevate the essay’s expression and enhance its overall coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied expressions, but it lacks consistency and depth. For instance, phrases like "transform in a positive way," and "leverage the strengths in a most sufficient way" could be expressed more precisely.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, strive for more nuanced and contextually fitting words. Instead of generic terms, opt for specific and impactful vocabulary. For example, replace "transform in a positive way" with "evolve positively," and "leverage the strengths in a most sufficient way" with "capitalize on their strengths effectively."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is moderate. Some phrases lack specificity, like "exclusive traits of their genders" and "allocating the weaknesses." There is room for improvement in conveying ideas more precisely.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that accurately convey your intended meaning. For instance, instead of "exclusive traits of their genders," consider "distinct characteristics based on gender," and instead of "allocating the weaknesses," use "addressing and overcoming their weaknesses."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling accuracy is acceptable, with only minor issues such as "the immorality is" (should be "immorality is"). However, be cautious of minor typographical errors like missing articles ("I again the exclusion") that slightly impact fluency.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to minor errors in articles and conjunctions. Proofread your work systematically to catch these issues. Additionally, consider reading your essay aloud to identify and rectify any awkward phrasing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of language, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range and precision. To elevate the lexical resource score, strive for more varied and contextually precise vocabulary throughout the essay. Additionally, maintain a vigilant eye for minor spelling and grammatical errors to enhance overall clarity and coherence.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It employs simple and complex structures, such as compound sentences and conditional clauses. However, there is a tendency towards using simpler structures, impacting the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as relative clauses, passive constructions, and varied sentence lengths. This will elevate the sophistication of the essay and showcase a broader command of language.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and errors in subject-verb agreement. For example, in the sentence "The immorality is. another reason," the use of "is" is incorrect. Punctuation is generally appropriate, but there are sporadic issues, such as missing commas or overuse of commas.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Review the use of commas, focusing on proper placement for clarity. Additionally, revise sentences that may sound awkward to improve overall fluency and coherence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures, with room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Working on sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation accuracy will contribute to achieving a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many individuals argue that certain professions should be reserved exclusively for either men or women based on perceived gender-specific strengths and weaknesses. However, I strongly disagree with this viewpoint, as people can enhance their skills through dedicated effort, and it is unethical to restrict someone’s career choices based on their gender.
The strengths and weaknesses of individuals are not inherently tied to their genders; rather, they can evolve positively through diligent effort. Identifying and addressing weaknesses while optimizing strengths are key factors for success in any field, regardless of gender. For instance, in the culinary industry, which was traditionally associated exclusively with women, many renowned male chefs faced initial challenges but overcame them through hard work and dedication.
Another ethical concern is the limitation of career paths based on gender. Individuals do not choose their sexual orientations at birth, and they must have the autonomy to pursue their desired professions. It would hinder the potential of numerous individuals if they were barred from following their chosen paths. For example, historical restrictions on women’s participation in politics denied them the right to vote, but when these discriminatory policies were lifted, talented female politicians emerged and had the opportunity to showcase their capabilities.
In conclusion, I oppose the exclusion of genders from professional fields because strengths and weaknesses can change over time, and it is a violation of human rights to restrict career choices based on gender. It is essential to foster an environment where individuals, regardless of gender, can pursue their aspirations and contribute to society.