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Write a 150 words paragraph about the drawbacks of public transport

Write a 150 words paragraph about the drawbacks of public transport

Public transport offers numerous benefits, while it also comes with several drawbacks. Firstly, in public, you are surrounded by strangers. Therefore, it is likely to have some privacy disclosures such as banking passwords, phone passwords, or even personal information which can lead to dangerous accidents such as robbery and selling personal data. Secondly, during rush hours, public transportation might be overcrowded because of its economical and reasonable price, so there's a high chance you are left standing still without a seat. On top of that, public transport is made bigger to meet the demands of countless people. As a result, it consumes a mass of space and can cause heavy traffic congestion, which might take longer to reach your destination and if you have to stand still during the time you are on the road, it will be devastating. Finally, in developing countries, public transport is well-developed and concentrated. Thus, it may cause fatal accidents because of poor infrastructure and badly organized schedules like losing races and crashing. In conclusion, public transport still has several drawbacks, but it is still not as dangerous and it happens in rare cases.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Firstly, in public, you are surrounded by strangers." -> "Firstly, when using public transportation, one is surrounded by unfamiliar individuals."
    Explanation: Replacing "in public" with "when using public transportation" enhances formality and specificity. Also, "surrounded by strangers" is replaced with "surrounded by unfamiliar individuals" for a more precise and neutral tone.

  2. "so there’s a high chance you are left standing still without a seat." -> "thus, there is a significant likelihood of standing without a seat."
    Explanation: The term "so" is replaced with "thus" for a more formal transition. "High chance" is substituted with "significant likelihood" for a more precise and academic expression.

  3. "On top of that, public transport is made bigger to meet the demands of countless people." -> "Additionally, public transportation vehicles are enlarged to accommodate the needs of a vast number of passengers."
    Explanation: "On top of that" is replaced with "Additionally" for a more formal transition. "Made bigger" is substituted with "enlarged" to convey the idea in a more sophisticated manner.

  4. "it will be devastating." -> "this situation can be distressing."
    Explanation: "It will be devastating" is replaced with "this situation can be distressing" to introduce a more nuanced and less dramatic expression, aligning with academic tone.

  5. "Thus, it may cause fatal accidents because of poor infrastructure and badly organized schedules like losing races and crashing." -> "Consequently, it may lead to fatal accidents due to inadequate infrastructure and poorly coordinated schedules, such as missing timetables and collisions."
    Explanation: "Thus" is replaced with "Consequently" for a more formal transition. "Cause" is substituted with "lead to" for precision. "Like losing races and crashing" is modified to "such as missing timetables and collisions" for a more specific and academic description.

  6. "it is still not as dangerous and it happens in rare cases." -> "Nevertheless, the inherent dangers are relatively infrequent."
    Explanation: "it is still not as dangerous" is replaced with "the inherent dangers are relatively infrequent" to convey the idea more precisely and with a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses drawbacks of public transport, such as privacy concerns, overcrowding during rush hours, increased traffic congestion, and safety issues in developing countries. However, the points lack depth, and the overall analysis is somewhat superficial. Additionally, the essay is under the required word count, which impacts the thoroughness of the response.
    • How to improve: To improve, ensure a more in-depth exploration of each drawback mentioned. Elaborate on the implications of privacy concerns, delve deeper into the consequences of overcrowding, and provide more nuanced insights into traffic congestion and safety issues. Also, make sure to meet the minimum word count to adequately cover the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position on the drawbacks of public transport, emphasizing various issues. However, the clarity is compromised by the occasional lack of development in each point, making it harder for the reader to follow the author’s stance consistently.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, elaborate on each drawback in a more organized manner. Provide examples, statistics, or anecdotes to strengthen the argument. This will help in maintaining a consistent and clear position throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the drawbacks of public transport but lacks in-depth exploration and supporting details. Each point is briefly mentioned without sufficient elaboration or evidence, making the analysis less convincing.
    • How to improve: Extend each idea by providing examples, anecdotes, or relevant data to support the arguments. This will add depth to the essay and make the drawbacks more compelling to the reader. Avoid making general statements without backing them up with concrete evidence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the drawbacks of public transport. However, there is a slight deviation towards the end when the essay states, "public transport still has several drawbacks, but it is still not as dangerous and it happens in rare cases." This statement introduces a comparative element that slightly shifts the focus.
    • How to improve: Maintain a consistent focus on the drawbacks without introducing comparative statements or new perspectives in the conclusion. Summarize the main drawbacks without introducing new ideas to ensure the essay stays on topic.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the drawbacks of public transport, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, supporting details, and maintaining a consistent focus on the topic. Additionally, meeting the minimum word count is crucial to ensure a comprehensive response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It starts by introducing the drawbacks of public transport, discussing privacy concerns, overcrowding, space consumption, and safety issues. Each drawback is presented in a separate paragraph, creating a clear structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing more explicit transitions between paragraphs to create a smoother connection between ideas. For instance, use phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" to signal the progression of arguments.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific drawback, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and detail.
    • How to improve: Provide more elaboration within each paragraph to fully explore and support the presented drawbacks. This will contribute to a more comprehensive and nuanced discussion of the drawbacks of public transport.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "Secondly," "Finally," "In conclusion"), contributing to the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of these devices.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to create a more sophisticated and nuanced connection between sentences and ideas. This will enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonably coherent and cohesive structure, earning a band score of 6. To improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, providing more detailed content within each paragraph, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and sophisticated presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use a variety of words, some are repetitive, and there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "public transport" and "drawbacks" are consistently used, and synonyms or alternative expressions could be introduced to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more varied expressions. Instead of repetitive terms, explore different words that convey similar meanings. For instance, instead of always using "public transport," consider using alternatives like "communal transit" or "mass transportation" to add richness to your vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is somewhat limited. There are instances where words are used in a general manner, and a more nuanced selection of vocabulary could improve the overall precision. For instance, phrases like "dangerous accidents" or "devastating" could benefit from more specific and vivid terms to precisely convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for more specificity in your word choices. For example, instead of "dangerous accidents," you might use "potentially hazardous incidents," and instead of "devastating," consider options like "emotionally distressing" or "severely impactful." This will add depth and clarity to your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with minor errors scattered throughout the essay. Instances like "well-developed" and "stand still" could be improved for better clarity. Overall, the spelling accuracy is at an acceptable level, but careful proofreading is recommended to catch such minor errors.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, make a habit of proofreading your work carefully. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words and be mindful of the context in which certain phrases are used. Consider utilizing spell-check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, taking a moment to review and revise your essay before submission will help improve overall spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are primarily used. For example, "Public transport offers numerous benefits, while it also comes with several drawbacks," showcases a compound sentence. However, there’s limited use of complex sentences or varied sentence beginnings, which could enhance the essay’s overall sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences. For instance, instead of using only simple sentences to express ideas, try combining them into complex structures. Additionally, vary the beginnings of your sentences for a smoother flow and increased reader engagement.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some notable errors, such as "in public, you are surrounded by strangers," where the comma after "public" is unnecessary. Additionally, the sentence "On top of that, public transport is made bigger to meet the demands of countless people" lacks clarity and could benefit from restructuring.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to unnecessary punctuation marks. In this case, removing the comma after "public" would improve the sentence’s clarity. Additionally, rephrase unclear or awkwardly structured sentences to enhance overall coherence. Consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible parts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation, further enhancing sentence variety and addressing specific errors can contribute to a more polished and nuanced piece. Keep refining your writing skills, paying attention to both sentence structure and clarity of expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

Public transportation offers numerous advantages, yet it is not without its drawbacks. Firstly, when using public transportation, one is surrounded by unfamiliar individuals. Consequently, there is a significant likelihood of standing without a seat, particularly during rush hours when the vehicles are overcrowded due to their economical and reasonable pricing. Additionally, public transportation vehicles are enlarged to accommodate the needs of a vast number of passengers, and this situation can be distressing. It may lead to fatal accidents due to inadequate infrastructure and poorly coordinated schedules, such as missing timetables and collisions.

Despite these concerns, it’s important to note that such inherent dangers are relatively infrequent. While there are instances of privacy disclosures and potential risks, they are not the norm. Nevertheless, addressing issues like overcrowding and improving infrastructure can enhance the overall safety and efficiency of public transport systems. In conclusion, although public transport has drawbacks, proactive measures can mitigate these concerns, ensuring a safer and more reliable commuting experience.

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