Write a IELTS essay band 6.5 about your family.
Write a IELTS essay band 6.5 about your family.
My Family
My family consists of six people: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and me. Although we have different ages, we share a close bond and support one another in many ways. My eldest sister, who is 16 years older than me, has a full-time job and often advises me about life. My other sister, who is 8 years older, is studying at university, and we enjoy spending time together whenever she visits home.
I also have a younger brother, who is 3 years younger than me, and we often play and study together. Sometimes we argue over small things, but we always make up quickly because we care about each other. My parents encourage us to stay united, and they believe that communication is essential for maintaining a happy family. I feel fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone helps each other in both good and difficult times.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"My Family" -> "My Family Composition"
Explanation: Starting with "My Family" is too informal and lacks specificity. "My Family Composition" provides a clearer and more formal introduction to the topic, which is typical in academic writing. -
"consists of six people" -> "comprises six members"
Explanation: "Consists of" is somewhat informal and vague. "Comprises" is more precise and formal, and "members" is a more appropriate term in academic contexts than "people." -
"my two elder sisters" -> "my two elder sisters"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. The word "sisters" should not be repeated. -
"my younger brother, and me" -> "my younger brother and I"
Explanation: In formal writing, the subject pronoun "I" should always be used after the conjunction "and" to maintain grammatical correctness. -
"we share a close bond" -> "we maintain a close bond"
Explanation: "Share" can imply a temporary or casual connection. "Maintain" suggests a more enduring and intentional relationship, which is more suitable for describing family relationships. -
"support one another in many ways" -> "support each other in various ways"
Explanation: "One another" is less formal and slightly archaic. "Each other" is more commonly used in modern English, and "various" is a more precise adjective than "many." -
"My eldest sister, who is 16 years older than me" -> "My eldest sister, who is 16 years my senior"
Explanation: "16 years older than me" is informal and slightly awkward. "16 years my senior" is a more formal and concise way to express the age difference. -
"often advises me about life" -> "frequently advises me on various aspects of life"
Explanation: "Often advises me about life" is vague and informal. "Frequently advises me on various aspects of life" specifies the nature of the advice and enhances the formality. -
"My other sister, who is 8 years older, is studying at university" -> "My other sister, eight years my senior, is a university student"
Explanation: "8 years older" is informal and less precise. "Eight years my senior" is more formal and avoids redundancy. Also, "is studying at university" is simplified to "is a university student" for a more formal tone. -
"we enjoy spending time together" -> "we relish spending time together"
Explanation: "Enjoy" is a bit casual for academic writing. "Relish" conveys a deeper appreciation and is more suitable for formal contexts. -
"Sometimes we argue over small things" -> "Occasionally we disagree on minor issues"
Explanation: "Sometimes" is too informal and vague. "Occasionally" is more precise and formal. "Disagree on minor issues" is a more academic way to describe disagreements. -
"we always make up quickly" -> "we promptly reconcile"
Explanation: "Make up quickly" is informal and colloquial. "Promptly reconcile" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better. -
"My parents encourage us to stay united" -> "My parents advocate for our unity"
Explanation: "Encourage us to stay united" is somewhat informal and vague. "Advocate for our unity" is more direct and formal, emphasizing the proactive role of parents in maintaining family cohesion. -
"communication is essential for maintaining a happy family" -> "effective communication is crucial for maintaining a harmonious family"
Explanation: "Communication is essential" is a general statement. "Effective communication is crucial" specifies the quality of communication, and "harmonious" is a more precise term than "happy" in this context, aligning better with academic standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a brief overview of the family structure but does not fully address the prompt, which asks for a more comprehensive exploration of the topic. While it mentions the family members and their relationships, it lacks depth in discussing the significance of these relationships or any personal anecdotes that could illustrate the family’s dynamics. For instance, the essay could have included specific examples of how family members support one another in challenging situations or shared memorable experiences that highlight their bond.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should expand on the relationships within the family by providing specific examples and anecdotes. This could involve discussing family traditions, memorable events, or challenges faced together, which would enrich the narrative and provide a fuller picture of the family dynamic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally positive tone regarding the family, but it lacks a clear thesis statement or position that could guide the reader through the narrative. The absence of a defined stance makes it difficult for the reader to grasp the main point or argument of the essay. For example, while the writer expresses feelings of gratitude and support, these sentiments are not tied together with a clear overarching message about the importance of family.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should establish a thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main idea of the essay. This could be something like, "My family plays a crucial role in my life, providing support and guidance," which would then be elaborated upon in the body paragraphs.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat basic and lack development. While the writer mentions the roles of family members, there is minimal elaboration on how these roles impact the writer’s life or the family as a whole. For instance, stating that the eldest sister gives advice is a good start, but it would be more effective if the writer included a specific instance where this advice was particularly helpful or impactful.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve adding details about specific interactions or experiences that showcase the family’s support system. Using examples and anecdotes will help to create a more engaging and persuasive narrative.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on family members and their relationships. However, the brevity of the content and the lack of depth in exploring these relationships may lead to a perception that the writer is not fully engaged with the topic. The essay feels more like a list of family members rather than a nuanced exploration of family life.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contributes to a deeper understanding of the family dynamics. This can be achieved by linking back to the main thesis and ensuring that all points made relate to the central theme of family support and unity. Additionally, avoiding overly simplistic statements will help to keep the content relevant and engaging.
In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to expand on the content, provide specific examples, establish a clear position, and ensure that all ideas are well-developed and relevant to the topic of family.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents information about the family in a clear and logical manner. Each family member is introduced sequentially, starting from the eldest to the youngest, which helps the reader follow the narrative easily. The structure allows for a natural flow of ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific family member and their relationship with the author. For example, the transition from discussing the eldest sister to the younger brother is smooth, maintaining a coherent narrative throughout.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that clearly state the main idea. For instance, starting the paragraph about the younger brother with a sentence like "My younger brother plays a significant role in my life" would provide a clearer focus for the reader.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a different family member. This separation allows for clarity and helps the reader to digest the information. However, the essay could benefit from a concluding paragraph that summarizes the overall importance of family, which would provide closure and reinforce the main theme.
- How to improve: Introduce a concluding paragraph that encapsulates the essence of the essay. For example, you could write, "In conclusion, my family is my greatest support system, and the bonds we share are invaluable." This would not only improve the overall structure but also enhance the coherence of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as "although," "and," and "but" to connect ideas. These devices help in linking sentences and maintaining flow. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times. For instance, the frequent use of "and" to connect ideas could be varied with other devices like "in addition," "furthermore," or "moreover" to enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "and" to list family members, you could use "In addition to my parents, my two elder sisters also play a crucial role in my life." This not only adds variety but also improves the overall sophistication of the writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, incorporating more varied cohesive devices, enhancing paragraph structure with topic sentences, and adding a concluding paragraph would elevate the overall quality and clarity of the writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with terms like "bond," "support," "advise," and "communication" effectively conveying the writer’s ideas about family dynamics. However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "my parents," "my sisters," and "my brother," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the text. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "my," the writer could employ synonyms or descriptors (e.g., "my elder sister" could be replaced with "the eldest sibling").
- How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied vocabulary related to family and relationships. This could include terms like "kin," "siblings," "nurturing," or "interpersonal relationships." Practicing synonyms and exploring more descriptive language can help diversify the vocabulary used in the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "we often play and study together" is somewhat vague; it could be more specific by mentioning the types of games or subjects studied. Additionally, the phrase "argue over small things" could be refined to express the nature of these arguments more clearly, such as "disagree over trivial matters."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on providing specific examples that illustrate their points. Instead of general statements, adding details about activities or conflicts can create a clearer picture. For example, specifying the games played with the younger brother or the subjects studied with the elder sister would add depth and clarity to the writing.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. Words like "family," "support," and "communication" are spelled correctly, which reflects a solid grasp of basic vocabulary. However, to ensure consistency and avoid minor mistakes, the writer should remain vigilant about spelling throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, the writer could benefit from proofreading their work before submission. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and utilizing spell-check tools can help catch any inadvertent errors. Engaging in regular writing exercises can also reinforce correct spelling habits.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are clear opportunities for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, providing specific examples, and maintaining careful attention to spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and aim for a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple sentences are predominant, such as "My family consists of six people" and "I feel fortunate to have a supportive family." There are some complex sentences, like "My eldest sister, who is 16 years older than me, has a full-time job," which effectively adds detail. However, the overall variety is limited, and the essay lacks more sophisticated structures that could enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of saying, "I also have a younger brother, who is 3 years younger than me," the writer could combine ideas: "I have a younger brother who is 3 years younger than me, and we often play and study together, which strengthens our bond." Additionally, using introductory phrases or clauses can add variety, such as starting sentences with "Although we sometimes argue," to create more complex sentence forms.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are minor issues with punctuation, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences. For instance, in the sentence "My other sister, who is 8 years older, is studying at university," the structure is correct, but the sentence could benefit from clearer punctuation in longer sentences to avoid run-ons. The phrase "Sometimes we argue over small things, but we always make up quickly because we care about each other" is correct but could be clearer with a slight rephrasing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on punctuation rules, particularly with complex sentences. Practicing the use of commas to separate clauses and lists will help improve clarity. Additionally, reviewing subject-verb agreement and verb tenses can further refine grammatical accuracy. For example, ensuring that all verbs are in the correct tense when describing ongoing actions or habitual behaviors will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of basic grammatical structures and maintains a clear narrative about the family, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of punctuation. By incorporating more complex sentences and refining punctuation use, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing, potentially raising their band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
**My Family**
My family comprises six members: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and I. Although we have different ages, we maintain a close bond and support each other in various ways. My eldest sister, who is 16 years my senior, has a full-time job and frequently advises me on various aspects of life. My other sister, eight years older than me, is a university student, and we relish spending time together whenever she visits home.
I also have a younger brother, who is three years my junior, and we often play and study together. Occasionally, we disagree on minor issues, but we promptly reconcile because we care about each other. My parents advocate for our unity, and they believe that effective communication is crucial for maintaining a harmonious family. I feel fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone helps each other in both good and difficult times.