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Write a pagraph about a language that you want to learn in the future

Write a pagraph about a language that you want to learn in the future

Currently, I just have one language which I want to learn in the future is German. I learnt it a little before, so it brings me a funny and a new language. I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons. Many newspapers in German are very useful for me, so that is why I want to learn German. Besides, I can make a conversation with Germans in my travels and it will help me in the future when I study at a university or I start work after graduation. Therefore, I want to learn German in order to increase my value and confidence when I have an abroad travel


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Currently, I just have one language which I want to learn in the future is German." -> "At present, I am focused on acquiring proficiency in one particular language, namely German."
    Explanation: Replacing "Currently, I just have one language which I want to learn in the future is" with "At present, I am focused on acquiring proficiency in one particular language, namely" enhances formality and clarity, avoiding redundancy.

  2. "I learnt it a little before, so it brings me a funny and a new language." -> "I have previously acquired some basic knowledge of it, finding it both intriguing and novel."
    Explanation: "I learnt it a little before, so it brings me a funny and a new language" is informal. Replacing it with "I have previously acquired some basic knowledge of it, finding it both intriguing and novel" maintains formality and provides a more precise description.

  3. "I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons." -> "I am motivated to learn German as it aligns with my goal of broadening my intellectual horizons."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances formality by replacing "I like learning it because" with "I am motivated to learn" and emphasizes the academic benefit of expanding intellectual horizons.

  4. "Many newspapers in German are very useful for me, so that is why I want to learn German." -> "Access to German newspapers is highly beneficial for me, thus motivating my desire to learn the language."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains clarity while replacing the colloquial "Many newspapers in German are very useful for me" with "Access to German newspapers is highly beneficial for me," aligning with academic style.

  5. "Besides, I can make a conversation with Germans in my travels and it will help me in the future when I study at a university or I start work after graduation." -> "Furthermore, the ability to engage in conversations with Germans during my travels will prove advantageous as I pursue higher education and enter the workforce after graduation."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "Besides, I can make a conversation with Germans in my travels and it will help me in the future when I study at a university or I start work after graduation" with a more structured and academically appropriate expression.

  6. "Therefore, I want to learn German in order to increase my value and confidence when I have an abroad travel." -> "Hence, my motivation to learn German stems from the desire to enhance my competence and confidence during international travels."
    Explanation: The improved version maintains formality by replacing "Therefore, I want to learn German in order to increase my value and confidence when I have an abroad travel" with a more nuanced and academically suitable expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the language the author wants to learn in the future, which is German. However, the response lacks depth and fails to elaborate on why German specifically, and it does not effectively address the aspect of writing a paragraph.

    • How to improve: To improve, the author should provide more detailed reasons for choosing German, such as personal interests, career goals, or cultural connections. Additionally, the response should adhere to the prompt’s instruction to write a paragraph, ensuring a concise and focused discussion.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to convey a position by expressing the desire to learn German for personal growth and future benefits. However, the position is not consistently clear, and the essay lacks a strong thesis or central idea.

    • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the author should formulate a strong thesis statement at the beginning of the paragraph, explicitly stating the importance of learning German. Additionally, each supporting point should align with and reinforce the main position.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay briefly presents the idea of wanting to learn German but lacks substantial development. There is minimal elaboration on the reasons behind the choice, and examples or anecdotes to support the claims are insufficient.

    • How to improve: The author should extend and support ideas by providing more specific details about the benefits of learning German, such as how newspapers in German are useful or how language skills contribute to confidence during travels or academic pursuits. Concrete examples will strengthen the essay.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on the topic of learning German, but there are minor deviations, such as the mention of having only one language at the beginning. These deviations, while not entirely off-topic, contribute to the lack of focus.

    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid unnecessary details or unrelated information. Emphasize relevant content related to the choice of learning German and its implications for personal and academic growth.

In conclusion, while the essay touches on the prompt, it falls short in providing a thorough and focused response. To improve, the author should enhance content depth, strengthen the central position, provide more substantial support, and ensure better adherence to the prompt’s instructions regarding paragraph structure.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction, expressing the desire to learn German and providing some reasons. However, the progression of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the connection between learning German for reading newspapers and conversing with Germans could be made more explicit for a more seamless flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider establishing stronger connections between sentences and ideas. Develop a more cohesive link between the motivation to learn German for reading newspapers and the practical aspects of conversing with Germans. This can be achieved by providing transitional phrases that guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the decision to learn German, such as expanding horizons, practical utility in travel, and future academic or professional benefits.
    • How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is generally appropriate, there is room for improvement in the development of each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. For example, expand on the benefits of reading German newspapers in one paragraph and delve into the advantages of conversing with Germans in another.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as "because," "so," and "therefore," to connect ideas. However, there is limited diversity in the use of cohesive devices. The essay could benefit from a wider range of transitional words and phrases to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enrich cohesion, introduce a variety of transitional words and phrases such as "moreover," "furthermore," and "consequently." This will not only contribute to a smoother flow but also add sophistication to the essay’s structure. Consider using these devices to explicitly link ideas within and between sentences, reinforcing the logical progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. The repetition of phrases like "I want to learn German" and "in the future" indicates a lack of variety. While some words, such as "expand my horizons," show an attempt at diversity, more sophisticated and varied vocabulary choices are needed to achieve a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, using advanced vocabulary related to language acquisition, and exploring varied sentence structures. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating the desire to learn German, diversify expressions like "acquire proficiency in the German language" or "cultivate linguistic skills in German."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage lacks precision. For example, the phrase "I learnt it a little before" is vague and could be more specific. Additionally, stating that German is a "funny" language may be misunderstood, and a more precise adjective could better convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: Focus on providing clear and specific details. Instead of saying "I learnt it a little before," specify the duration or level of proficiency attained, such as "I have a basic understanding of German from introductory courses." When describing the language, replace "funny" with an adjective like "intriguing" or "fascinating" for clearer communication.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "abroad travel" which should be corrected to "overseas travel." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, attention to spelling accuracy is essential to convey professionalism.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processing software to catch and correct errors. Additionally, focus on common areas of difficulty, such as homophones and irregular spellings, to minimize mistakes and improve overall spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of more complex structures such as complex-compound sentences or varied clause structures. For instance, the essay predominantly uses simple sentences, like "I learnt it a little before," which limits the overall range of structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce a variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add depth and sophistication to the writing. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try combining ideas using subordinating conjunctions or relative clauses.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy with only a few noticeable errors. There is a minor issue with subject-verb agreement in the sentence "Currently, I just have one language which I want to learn in the future is German," where the verb "is" should be placed before "which." Additionally, there are some instances of awkward phrasing, such as "it brings me a funny and a new language," which could be improved for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure proper sentence structure. In this case, rephrasing the sentence to "Currently, the only language I want to learn in the future is German" would resolve the issue. To improve clarity, focus on using precise language and avoid unnecessary repetition, as seen in "it brings me a funny and a new language." Consider revising to "it introduces me to a new and intriguing language."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent command of grammar and sentence structure but would benefit from the incorporation of more sophisticated sentence patterns to elevate the overall quality of writing. Additionally, careful proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing will contribute to further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, my focus is on acquiring proficiency in a specific language, namely German. I have previously gained some basic knowledge of it, finding it both intriguing and novel. My motivation to learn German is rooted in my goal of broadening my intellectual horizons. Access to German newspapers is highly beneficial for me, thus fueling my desire to learn the language. Furthermore, the ability to engage in conversations with Germans during my travels will prove advantageous as I pursue higher education and enter the workforce after graduation. Hence, my motivation to learn German stems from the desire to enhance my competence and confidence during international travels.

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