Write about the following topic. Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. ent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about the following topic.
Inventors are not as important to society as doctors.
ent do you agree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is a controversial opinion that states that doctors make a greater contribution to society than those who innovate new things. While the statement is right in its own way, I do not stand on the same page with it, and here's why.
The argument of this statement in my understanding is doctors, as well as other professions, can employ their expertise to contribute to the community directly and instantaneously, cursing illness in this situation for example. While the inventions of the inventor on the other hand can take a prolonged amount of time to develop, refine and optimize before it can be put in use, and even then the invention may sometimes turn out to be not as useful. This may be true when we only look at the present, but when we look through the length of human history, innovations and inventions are the ones that propel our civilization forward. When new ideas come out and improve people’s life, or change the way we see the world.
In another view, inventors and doctors are simply incomparable. Our society diversifies labor, with each task being distributed to certain groups. Which means every job and profession are necessary for the well being of a civilization, and removing any of it can disturb the flow of life. That being said, some doctors were and are inventors themselves. Where do you think medical innovations come from?
In the big picture, every job has its own reason to exist, and contribute to society in its own way. For that reason, discriminating between professions doesn't make much sense.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There is a controversial opinion" -> "There exists a contentious viewpoint"
   Explanation: "There exists a contentious viewpoint" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "those who innovate new things" -> "those who innovate new technologies"
   Explanation: Specifying "technologies" provides clarity and precision, aligning better with the context of the essay.

3. "I do not stand on the same page with it" -> "I do not concur with this perspective"
   Explanation: "Concur with this perspective" is more formal and academically appropriate than the colloquial "stand on the same page with it."

4. "employ their expertise to contribute to the community directly and instantaneously" -> "utilize their expertise to contribute directly and immediately to the community"
   Explanation: "Utilize" and "immediately" are more formal and precise, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

5. "cursing illness" -> "treating illnesses"
   Explanation: "Treating illnesses" is the correct verb form and is more appropriate in a formal academic context than "cursing illness."

6. "the inventions of the inventor" -> "the inventions of inventors"
   Explanation: "Inventors" is the correct plural form, as it refers to multiple individuals, not just one.

7. "take a prolonged amount of time" -> "require a significant amount of time"
   Explanation: "Require a significant amount of time" is more formal and precise, avoiding the vague "prolonged amount."

8. "put in use" -> "implemented"
   Explanation: "Implemented" is a more formal and precise term than "put in use."

9. "not as useful" -> "less effective"
   Explanation: "Less effective" is a more precise and formal term than "not as useful."

10. "When new ideas come out and improve people’s life" -> "When new ideas emerge and enhance people’s lives"
    Explanation: "Emerge" and "enhance" are more formal and precise, and "lives" should be plural to match the generalization.

11. "or change the way we see the world" -> "or alter our perceptions of the world"
    Explanation: "Alter our perceptions of the world" is more formal and academically appropriate than the more casual "change the way we see the world."

12. "In another view" -> "From another perspective"
    Explanation: "From another perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "In another view."

13. "Our society diversifies labor" -> "Our society diversifies labor roles"
    Explanation: Adding "roles" clarifies the meaning and enhances the formality of the sentence.

14. "Which means every job and profession are necessary" -> "This implies that every job and profession is essential"
    Explanation: "This implies that every job and profession is essential" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

15. "removing any of it can disturb the flow of life" -> "the removal of any one of these professions could disrupt societal functioning"
    Explanation: "The removal of any one of these professions could disrupt societal functioning" is more precise and formal, avoiding the vague "disturb the flow of life."

16. "That being said" -> "Notwithstanding"
    Explanation: "Notwithstanding" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing.

17. "discriminating between professions doesn’t make much sense" -> "discriminating between professions is unjustified"
    Explanation: "Is unjustified" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express the idea that discrimination is unreasonable.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the roles of both doctors and inventors in society, ultimately arguing that both are important. The author acknowledges the statement that doctors are more important but counters it by emphasizing the long-term impact of inventors. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer delineation of how each profession contributes uniquely to society. The argument is somewhat vague and could be strengthened by explicitly stating the importance of inventors alongside doctors in a more structured manner.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the author should clearly outline the specific contributions of both doctors and inventors. This could include examples of medical advancements made by inventors and how these innovations have improved healthcare. Structuring the essay to directly compare and contrast the two professions would enhance clarity and depth.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that both doctors and inventors are important, but the clarity of this stance fluctuates. The phrase "I do not stand on the same page with it" is somewhat ambiguous and could confuse readers about the author’s exact position. The essay does attempt to maintain a balanced view, but the initial agreement with the statement could mislead the reader regarding the author’s true stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should explicitly state their agreement or disagreement with the statement in the introduction and reiterate this stance throughout the essay. Using clear transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the author’s viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the immediate impact of doctors and the long-term contributions of inventors. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of "medical innovations" lacks concrete examples that could illustrate the point more effectively. Additionally, the argument about the necessity of all professions is somewhat generalized and could benefit from more specific instances.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the author should include specific examples of inventions that have significantly impacted society, particularly in the medical field. Citing historical figures or specific innovations would strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on how these contributions are interlinked could provide a more robust discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the roles of doctors and inventors in society. However, the argument occasionally drifts into generalizations about the necessity of all professions without directly tying back to the prompt. For example, the statement about diversifying labor, while relevant, could distract from the central argument of comparing the importance of doctors and inventors.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the comparison between doctors and inventors. Avoiding broad statements about all professions and instead honing in on the specific contributions of each would help keep the essay aligned with the prompt. Using topic sentences that clearly connect back to the thesis can also help maintain focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that doctors are more important than inventors. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the subsequent paragraphs attempt to build on this argument. However, the logical flow is somewhat hindered by abrupt transitions between ideas. For instance, the shift from discussing the immediate contributions of doctors to the historical significance of inventions lacks a smooth connection, making it harder for the reader to follow the progression of thought.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "Moreover") can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively, ensuring that each point builds on the previous one.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. For example, the second paragraph mixes several ideas about the contributions of doctors and the time it takes for inventions to be realized, which could confuse the reader. The third paragraph introduces a new perspective but does not clearly relate back to the main argument about the comparative importance of doctors and inventors.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the immediate impact of doctors and the other on the long-term contributions of inventors. This would not only clarify the argument but also enhance the overall structure of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "while," "but," and "that being said," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, the phrase "on the other hand" appears in a context that could be better expressed with a more varied vocabulary, which would enrich the text and improve its readability.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "in addition," "for instance," and "however." This not only helps in connecting ideas but also adds sophistication to the writing. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can aid in developing a more fluid and cohesive writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "controversial opinion," "contribution," "innovate," and "civilization." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the term "invention" appears multiple times without synonyms or related terms to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, phrases such as "the statement is right in its own way" could be expressed more diversely to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related expressions. For example, instead of repeating "invention," consider using "innovation," "creation," or "development." Furthermore, using phrases like "the assertion holds merit" or "the claim has validity" could diversify the language used in the introduction.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "cursing illness," which seems to be a typographical error for "curing illness." This not only affects clarity but also detracts from the overall quality of the writing. Additionally, phrases like "removing any of it can disturb the flow of life" could be more clearly articulated, as "it" does not specify what is being referred to.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. Using more specific language can also help; for instance, instead of saying "disturb the flow of life," the writer could say "disrupt societal functions" for clearer communication.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a significant spelling error with the word "cursing," which should be "curing." This error not only impacts the clarity of the argument but also reflects a lack of attention to detail in spelling. Other words appear to be spelled correctly, but the presence of one major error can significantly affect the overall impression of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, utilize spell-check tools, and read the essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing, potentially raising the band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the phrase "While the statement is right in its own way, I do not stand on the same page with it, and here’s why" effectively combines contrasting ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the use of passive voice or other advanced structures to enhance complexity. For instance, the sentence "This may be true when we only look at the present" could be rephrased to use a more complex structure, such as "Although this may hold true when considering only the present, a broader historical perspective reveals a different narrative."
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporating introductory phrases, varying the placement of clauses, and using more advanced grammatical forms (such as participial phrases or inversion) can add sophistication to the writing. Additionally, reading a variety of high-level essays can provide models for effective sentence variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "cursing illness in this situation for example" appears to be a typographical error, likely intended to be "curing illness in this situation, for example." This error impacts the overall coherence of the argument. Additionally, there are instances of missing commas that could clarify meaning, such as before "and even then" in the sentence discussing the time it takes for inventions to be useful. The use of "the inventor" should also be corrected to "inventors" for consistency.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work, focusing on common errors such as subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing writing with a focus on punctuation rules, especially around clauses and conjunctions, will improve clarity and coherence in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, attention to grammatical precision and further diversification of sentence structures will enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There exists a contentious viewpoint that states that doctors make a greater contribution to society than those who innovate new technologies. While the statement is right in its own way, I do not concur with this perspective, and here’s why.

The argument of this statement, in my understanding, is that doctors, as well as other professions, can utilize their expertise to contribute directly and immediately to the community, treating illnesses in this situation, for example. While the inventions of inventors, on the other hand, can require a significant amount of time to develop, refine, and optimize before they can be implemented, and even then, the invention may sometimes turn out to be less effective. This may be true when we only look at the present, but when we look through the length of human history, innovations and inventions are the ones that propel our civilization forward. When new ideas emerge and enhance people’s lives or alter our perceptions of the world, their impact becomes undeniable.

From another perspective, inventors and doctors are simply incomparable. Our society diversifies labor roles, with each task being distributed to certain groups. This implies that every job and profession is essential for the well-being of a civilization, and the removal of any one of these professions could disrupt societal functioning. Notwithstanding, some doctors were and are inventors themselves. Where do you think medical innovations come from?

In the big picture, every job has its own reason to exist and contributes to society in its own way. For that reason, discriminating between professions is unjustified.