write about your dream job

I’ve always wanted to become a surgeon who works in a hospital, takes care of people and performs operations to save their lives. I love this job because I like helping sick people and I want to make them feel better. To some people, this does not sound right as a surgeon always works under high pressure. It is because if they make a mistake, they might end one’s life. In addition, surgeons have to work with blood which might be scary to some people, however it is not a problem for me. In order to be a good surgeon, you have to be calm, healthy and good at making decisions. I hope I can be a good surgeon in the future

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"I’ve always wanted" -> "I have always desired"
Explanation: Replacing "I’ve always wanted" with "I have always desired" formalizes the tone and aligns better with academic writing standards by using the more formal verb "desired" instead of the contraction "wanted."
"takes care of people and performs operations to save their lives" -> "provides medical care to patients and conducts surgical procedures to save lives"
Explanation: The phrase "takes care of people" is somewhat informal and vague. "Provides medical care to patients" is more precise and formal. Similarly, "performs operations" is replaced with "conducts surgical procedures" to enhance the technical accuracy and formality of the language.
"I love this job" -> "I am drawn to this profession"
Explanation: "I love this job" is too informal and emotional for academic writing. "I am drawn to this profession" maintains a professional tone and avoids emotional language.
"I want to make them feel better" -> "I aim to improve their well-being"
Explanation: "I want to make them feel better" is informal and vague. "I aim to improve their well-being" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"To some people, this does not sound right" -> "To some, this may not be considered appropriate"
Explanation: "To some people, this does not sound right" is informal and conversational. "To some, this may not be considered appropriate" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone.
"It is because if they make a mistake, they might end one’s life" -> "This is because a single mistake could result in the loss of life"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revised version is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "they might end one’s life."
"In addition, surgeons have to work with blood which might be scary to some people" -> "Furthermore, surgeons must work with blood, which can be intimidating to some"
Explanation: "In addition" is somewhat informal for academic writing; "Furthermore" is more appropriate. Also, "which might be scary" is replaced with "which can be intimidating" to use a more formal and precise adjective.
"it is not a problem for me" -> "this does not pose a concern for me"
Explanation: "it is not a problem for me" is informal and conversational. "This does not pose a concern for me" is more formal and suitable for an academic essay.
"you have to be calm, healthy and good at making decisions" -> "one must be composed, physically fit, and adept at decision-making"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revised version uses more formal vocabulary ("composed," "physically fit," "adept at decision-making") and avoids the colloquial "good at making decisions."
"I hope I can be a good surgeon in the future" -> "I aspire to become a skilled surgeon in the future"
Explanation: "I hope I can be a good surgeon" is informal and uncertain. "I aspire to become a skilled surgeon" is more confident and formal, fitting the tone of an academic essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating the writer’s dream job as a surgeon and briefly explaining why they aspire to this profession. However, it lacks depth in exploring all aspects of the job, such as the required qualifications, the impact on personal life, or specific experiences that led to this aspiration. The response is somewhat superficial and does not fully engage with the complexities of being a surgeon.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should elaborate on the various facets of being a surgeon. This could include discussing the educational path, the emotional and physical demands of the job, and personal anecdotes that illustrate their passion for this career. Adding these elements would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a clear desire to become a surgeon and outlines some reasons for this choice. However, the position could be strengthened by providing more consistent arguments throughout the essay. The mention of the pressures and challenges of being a surgeon is somewhat contradictory to the initial enthusiasm expressed, which may confuse the reader regarding the writer’s true feelings about the profession.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently support their desire to become a surgeon with positive aspects while acknowledging the challenges in a balanced manner. They could structure the essay to first outline the reasons for their aspiration, followed by a discussion of the challenges, ultimately reinforcing their commitment to the profession.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a few ideas about why the writer wants to be a surgeon, such as helping people and the excitement of the job. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with examples or elaboration. For instance, the statement about working under high pressure is introduced but not explored further, leaving the reader wanting more information.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should expand on each point made. For example, they could describe a specific moment that inspired them to pursue surgery or discuss the qualities that make someone a good surgeon in more detail. Using examples and elaborating on thoughts would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by focusing on the writer’s dream job as a surgeon. However, some sentences introduce ideas that could lead the reader off-topic, such as the mention of blood being scary. While relevant, this point could be better integrated into the overall narrative of why the writer is drawn to surgery.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main theme of the essay. They could refine their points to ensure that any challenges mentioned are tied back to their passion for the job, thereby reinforcing the central topic without diverging into unrelated areas.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim to provide a more comprehensive and structured response that thoroughly addresses the prompt, maintains a clear and consistent position, elaborates on ideas with supporting details, and stays focused on the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear progression of ideas, starting with the writer’s aspiration to become a surgeon and moving into the reasons for this choice. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the subsequent sentences logically build on this foundation. However, the transition between the challenges of being a surgeon and the qualities required for the role could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the pressures of the job to the personal qualities needed lacks a clear linking phrase, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more fluidly. For instance, after discussing the pressures of the job, a phrase like "Despite these challenges, I believe that…" could serve to bridge the two sections more effectively. Additionally, structuring the essay into distinct paragraphs for each main idea (aspiration, challenges, required qualities) would improve clarity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is presented as a single block of text, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the distinct points being made. While the ideas are related, the lack of paragraphing detracts from the overall coherence. Each main idea could benefit from its own paragraph, allowing for a clearer focus and better readability.
- How to improve: Implementing a clear paragraph structure is essential. Start a new paragraph when introducing a new idea or aspect of the discussion. For example, one paragraph could focus on the writer’s passion for surgery, another on the challenges faced by surgeons, and a third on the qualities necessary for success in the field. This will not only enhance readability but also allow for a more organized presentation of thoughts.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition" and "however," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and some sentences could benefit from additional linking words or phrases to enhance the flow. For instance, the phrase "It is because if they make a mistake…" could be better connected to the previous sentence for clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "Furthermore," "On the other hand," or "Consequently" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can enhance cohesion; for instance, using relative clauses or participial phrases can create smoother transitions between thoughts.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to the topic of becoming a surgeon, such as "surgeon," "hospital," "operations," and "sick people." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrases "takes care of people" and "make them feel better" are quite similar and could be expressed in more varied ways. The use of phrases like "high pressure" and "make a mistake" is appropriate but could be enriched with synonyms or more sophisticated expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider incorporating synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "sick people," alternatives like "patients" or "individuals in need of care" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary, such as "critical care," "medical procedures," or "patient outcomes," would demonstrate a broader lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "perform operations to save their lives" is somewhat vague; it could be more precise by specifying the types of operations or the conditions being treated. Additionally, the expression "this does not sound right" is informal and could be misinterpreted; a more precise phrase like "this may seem unappealing" would convey the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using specific terminology related to surgery and healthcare. For instance, instead of saying "work with blood," the writer could specify "handle blood during surgical procedures." This not only clarifies the context but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. Words like "surgeon," "hospital," "operations," and "healthy" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression. However, the essay could benefit from a more careful proofreading to ensure that all words are consistently spelled correctly, especially in longer essays where fatigue might lead to oversight.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help catch any potential spelling errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled medical terms or vocabulary related to the essay topic can further improve spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and uses vocabulary accurately, there is room for improvement in the range and precision of vocabulary. By incorporating more varied and specific terms, as well as ensuring careful proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the writer uses simple sentences ("I love this job because I like helping sick people") alongside more complex structures ("To some people, this does not sound right as a surgeon always works under high pressure"). However, the overall range is somewhat limited, as many sentences follow a similar structure, primarily relying on simple and compound sentences without much variation in complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or use different sentence openings. For example, instead of starting several sentences with "I," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "Although it is a high-pressure job, I believe that being a surgeon is rewarding." This would not only diversify the structure but also improve the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "it is not a problem for me" is correctly structured, but the sentence "In addition, surgeons have to work with blood which might be scary to some people, however it is not a problem for me" contains a punctuation issue. The clause "which might be scary to some people" should be preceded by a comma to separate it from the main clause, and the conjunction "however" should ideally start a new sentence or be preceded by a semicolon for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should focus on the correct use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Practicing the use of conjunctions and punctuation marks in various contexts can help. Additionally, proofreading the essay for run-on sentences and ensuring that each clause is properly punctuated would enhance clarity. For example, the sentence could be revised to: "In addition, surgeons have to work with blood, which might be scary to some people; however, it is not a problem for me."

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

I have always desired to become a surgeon who works in a hospital, provides medical care to patients, and conducts surgical procedures to save lives. I am drawn to this profession because I enjoy helping sick individuals and aim to improve their well-being. To some, this may not be considered appropriate, as a surgeon always works under high pressure. This is because a single mistake could result in the loss of life. Furthermore, surgeons must work with blood, which can be intimidating to some; however, this does not pose a concern for me. In order to be a skilled surgeon, one must be composed, physically fit, and adept at decision-making. I aspire to become a skilled surgeon in the future.