Write an essay of 350 words on the following topic. In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

Write an essay of 350 words on the following topic.

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

The ultimate end to employment is a wealthy and fulfilling life. Nevertheless, working seems to have become a never-ending process nowadays as the retirement age has been heightened across the globe. From my perspective, although raising individuals' retirement age from their occupation can demonstrate certain benefits, such advantages pale in comparison with the downsides the people and their organizations may incur.

Admittedly, raising the retirement age of employees can offer some merits. To begin with, governments can foster and maintain a sufficiently large workforce to compete with other countries in economic terms. For instance, it is necessary for a nation such as Japan, whose population is rapidly decreasing, to keep a significant proportion of its elderly workers in their employment via raising the retirement age so as to maintain the output of the country. Furthermore, as the seniors are kept at their occupation for a longer amount of time, they can dedicate more of the experience and skills they have polished to the younger generation of the enterprises. The implication of this is that the repertoire of the next generation of workers can be greatly enhanced.

Nonetheless, such upsides are overwhelmingly overshadowed by the following drawbacks. Firstly, the older employees may suffer mentally. As mentioned, their ultimate goal of working is to lead a fulfilling life, but raising their retirement age is synonymous with the fact that they have to give up that opportunity. Consequently, denying them the chance to exit the rat race can adversely impact their mental state, further leading to a reduction in productivity. Additionally, albeit experienced, the older workers obviously cannot guarantee the effectiveness of their work. But the salary of these employees are often substantially higher than the younger ones or the cost of machine applications. Therefore, it would be prohibitively expensive for companies or public organizations to maintain these employees in the workforce, given their amount of productivity compared to other alternatives.

In summary, having delineated the pros and cons of raising the workforce's retirement age, I firmly believe that its advantages are unable to outweigh its shortcomings. Particularly, the elderly workers are not the only victim, as their companies also have to face an exorbitant cost to hire these employees, which equates to a disproportionate amount of contribution.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The ultimate end to employment is a wealthy and fulfilling life." -> "The ultimate goal of employment is a financially secure and fulfilling life."
Explanation: The phrase "the ultimate end to employment" is awkward and unclear. "The ultimate goal of employment" is more precise and contextually appropriate, aligning better with formal academic language.
"working seems to have become a never-ending process" -> "working has become an ongoing process"
Explanation: "seems to have become" is speculative and informal; "has become" is more definitive and formal. "Never-ending" is also somewhat emotional; "ongoing" is neutral and suitable for academic writing.
"raising individuals’ retirement age from their occupation" -> "increasing the retirement age for individuals in their occupation"
Explanation: "raising individuals’ retirement age from their occupation" is awkward and unclear. "Increasing the retirement age for individuals in their occupation" is clearer and more direct.
"such advantages pale in comparison with the downsides" -> "these advantages are outweighed by the disadvantages"
Explanation: "pale in comparison with" is somewhat informal and vague; "are outweighed by" is more precise and formal.
"foster and maintain a sufficiently large workforce" -> "maintain a sufficient workforce"
Explanation: "foster" is not typically used in this context; "maintain" is more direct and appropriate for discussing workforce size.
"it is necessary for a nation such as Japan" -> "it is crucial for countries like Japan"
Explanation: "it is necessary" is somewhat vague; "it is crucial" emphasizes the importance more strongly. "Countries like Japan" is more inclusive and formal than "a nation such as Japan."
"dedicate more of the experience and skills they have polished" -> "contribute more of their accumulated experience and skills"
Explanation: "polished" is informal and not typically used in this context; "accumulated" is more precise and formal.
"the repertoire of the next generation of workers" -> "the skillset of the next generation of workers"
Explanation: "repertoire" is less common in this context; "skillset" is a more direct and commonly used term in academic writing.
"the older employees may suffer mentally" -> "older employees may experience mental distress"
Explanation: "suffer mentally" is informal and vague; "experience mental distress" is more specific and formal.
"the rat race" -> "the competitive work environment"
Explanation: "the rat race" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing; "the competitive work environment" is neutral and appropriate.
"the salary of these employees are often substantially higher" -> "the salaries of these employees are often substantially higher"
Explanation: "salary" should be plural to match "employees," and "are" should be used instead of "is" for consistency in subject-verb agreement.
"the cost of machine applications" -> "the cost of automation"
Explanation: "machine applications" is vague and informal; "automation" is a precise and widely recognized term in the context of labor and technology.
"it would be prohibitively expensive" -> "it would be excessively costly"
Explanation: "prohibitively expensive" is a bit redundant; "excessively costly" is more concise and maintains formality.
"the amount of productivity compared to other alternatives" -> "the productivity compared to other alternatives"
Explanation: "the amount of productivity" is redundant; "productivity" alone is sufficient and more direct.
"the elderly workers are not the only victim" -> "the elderly workers are not the sole victims"
Explanation: "victim" is singular and informal; "victims" is plural and more appropriate for formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age, providing a balanced view of the topic. The author begins by acknowledging the potential benefits, such as maintaining a large workforce and transferring skills to younger generations. However, the essay also highlights significant drawbacks, including mental health issues and economic costs associated with retaining older workers. This dual perspective demonstrates a thorough understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could include more specific examples or data to support the claims made about the disadvantages. For instance, citing studies on the mental health impacts of prolonged employment or statistics on productivity differences between older and younger workers could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author’s position is clear from the outset, stating that the disadvantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistently maintained throughout the essay, with each paragraph reinforcing this viewpoint. The conclusion succinctly reiterates the main argument, ensuring that readers understand the author’s perspective.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the author could improve the essay by explicitly stating the criteria used to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages. This would provide a clearer framework for the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, particularly regarding the economic implications of an aging workforce and the mental health of older employees. The use of examples, such as Japan’s demographic challenges, effectively supports the points made. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration, particularly the impact on younger workers and the potential solutions to the issues raised.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author could include more detailed explanations or examples for each point made. For instance, discussing how younger workers might feel about the increased competition for jobs or how companies can adapt to an aging workforce would provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the implications of raising the retirement age without deviating into unrelated areas. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument, maintaining relevance to the prompt.
- How to improve: To further ensure that the essay remains tightly focused, the author could avoid phrases that may seem tangential, such as "the ultimate end to employment is a wealthy and fulfilling life." Instead, a more direct introduction that ties directly to the prompt would enhance clarity and focus from the beginning.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and presents a well-structured argument, meriting a band score of 8. With some enhancements in supporting details and clarity, it could reach an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the advantages of raising the retirement age, followed by the disadvantages. This logical progression aids the reader in understanding the argument. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For example, the phrase "Nonetheless, such upsides are overwhelmingly overshadowed by the following drawbacks" serves as a transition but could be more fluid to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the advantages, a phrase like "Despite these benefits, there are significant drawbacks that must be considered" could provide a clearer transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea can further improve clarity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with clear distinctions between the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. Each paragraph contains relevant supporting details, which helps in maintaining focus. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it summarizes the points but does not reinforce the argument as strongly as it could.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly reiterating the main points discussed in the body paragraphs and clearly restating the thesis. This will not only reinforce the argument but also provide a more satisfying closure to the essay. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible paragraphs if they contain multiple points.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "for instance," and "in summary," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a few specific devices, which can lead to repetition and a less dynamic reading experience. For example, the phrase "raising the retirement age" is used frequently, which could be varied to maintain engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate synonyms and alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "raising the retirement age," consider phrases like "extending the working age" or "increasing the age of retirement." Additionally, using more complex devices such as "on the other hand," "furthermore," and "in contrast" can enhance the essay’s cohesiveness and make the argument more compelling.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on smoother transitions, reinforcing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "merits," "adversely impact," and "delineated" showcasing a higher level of lexical sophistication. The use of phrases like "rat race" and "foster and maintain" adds variety and depth to the language. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be expanded further, particularly in discussing the disadvantages of raising the retirement age. For example, the phrase "overwhelmingly overshadowed" could be replaced with a more nuanced expression to enhance clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied synonyms and phrases, especially when discussing similar concepts. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "older employees," consider alternatives like "senior workers" or "aged workforce." Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or collocations related to the topic could enrich the vocabulary range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are moments where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the ultimate end to employment is a wealthy and fulfilling life" could be misinterpreted as suggesting that the only purpose of employment is wealth, which may not align with the essay’s intent. Additionally, the term "exorbitant cost" is appropriate, but the phrase "the amount of productivity compared to other alternatives" could be clearer if rephrased to specify what the alternatives are.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary aligns closely with the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and specificity. For example, instead of "the implication of this is that the repertoire of the next generation of workers can be greatly enhanced," consider rephrasing to "this allows the next generation to benefit from a richer skill set."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of spelling, with no noticeable errors present in the text. Words such as "occupation," "productivity," and "organizations" are spelled correctly, reflecting a solid understanding of standard English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: While spelling accuracy is commendable, the writer should continue to practice proofreading their work to catch any potential typographical errors. Engaging in regular spelling exercises or utilizing spelling apps can further reinforce this skill. Additionally, reading widely can help in internalizing correct spelling through exposure to varied vocabulary in context.

Overall, the essay showcases a commendable level of lexical resource, with room for improvement in vocabulary range and precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "although raising individuals’ retirement age from their occupation can demonstrate certain benefits" and "as the seniors are kept at their occupation for a longer amount of time" showcase the use of subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the use of "can" and "may," which limits the overall range of grammatical forms.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound sentences and different forms of conditional statements. For example, instead of repeatedly using "can" and "may," the writer could use alternatives like "might," "could," or "is likely to" to express possibilities. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create more dynamic sentence constructions.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. However, there are some punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences. For example, in the sentence "As mentioned, their ultimate goal of working is to lead a fulfilling life, but raising their retirement age is synonymous with the fact that they have to give up that opportunity," the comma before "but" is correctly placed, but the sentence could benefit from clearer separation of clauses for better readability. Additionally, the phrase "the salary of these employees are often substantially higher" contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be "the salary of these employees is often substantially higher."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms are correctly matched. Practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will also aid in enhancing clarity. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud to identify any awkward phrasing or punctuation errors that may disrupt the flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay showcases a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, but there are opportunities for improvement in sentence variety and grammatical precision. By diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ultimate goal of employment is a wealthy and fulfilling life. Nevertheless, working seems to have become a never-ending process nowadays as the retirement age has been raised across the globe. From my perspective, although increasing the retirement age for individuals in their occupation can demonstrate certain benefits, such advantages pale in comparison to the downsides that people and their organizations may incur.

Admittedly, raising the retirement age of employees can offer some merits. To begin with, governments can foster and maintain a sufficient workforce to compete with other countries in economic terms. For instance, it is crucial for a nation such as Japan, whose population is rapidly decreasing, to keep a significant proportion of its elderly workers in their employment by raising the retirement age in order to maintain the output of the country. Furthermore, as seniors are kept in their occupations for a longer amount of time, they can contribute more of their accumulated experience and skills to the younger generation of the enterprises. The implication of this is that the skillset of the next generation of workers can be greatly enhanced.

Nonetheless, such upsides are overwhelmingly overshadowed by the following drawbacks. Firstly, older employees may experience mental distress. As mentioned, their ultimate goal of working is to lead a fulfilling life, but raising their retirement age is synonymous with the fact that they have to give up that opportunity. Consequently, denying them the chance to exit the rat race can adversely impact their mental state, further leading to a reduction in productivity. Additionally, albeit experienced, older workers obviously cannot guarantee the effectiveness of their work. However, the salaries of these employees are often substantially higher than those of younger ones or the cost of automation. Therefore, it would be excessively costly for companies or public organizations to maintain these employees in the workforce, given their productivity compared to other alternatives.

In summary, having delineated the pros and cons of raising the workforce’s retirement age, I firmly believe that its advantages are unable to outweigh its shortcomings. Particularly, the elderly workers are not the sole victims, as their companies also have to face an exorbitant cost to hire these employees, which equates to a disproportionate amount of contribution.