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You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The line graph demonstrates the numbers of competitors with
different activities at the social centre in Melbourne of Australia from
2000 to 2020.
Overall, the film club was the highest during 20 years, while the
musical performances were the lowest from 2000 to about 2015.
Moreover, the amateur dramatics was the lowest from 2015 to 2020.
Starting with the film club, there were stable for the period 2000 to
2020 at about 65 people. With the martial arts, there were two dips in
2005 with 30 players and 2015 with a little above 30 players. In
contrast with the two roles stably, the amateur dramatics was
increasing just a little bit between 200 and 2005; from 2005 to 2020,
it fell down significantly from just above 30 entrants in 2005 to under
10 entrants 2020.
Turning to the two roles increased in contenders, there were table
tennis and musical performances. The musical performances just went
up slightly from 2005 to 2020 at zero to about 20 contestants
respectively. Additionally, in contrast to the amateur dramatics, table
tennis grew considerably between 2010 at 20 participants and 2020 at
above 50 participants.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "numbers of competitors" -> "number of competitors"
    Explanation: "Number" should be singular when referring to a collective quantity, ensuring grammatical accuracy.

  2. "with different activities" -> "engaged in various activities"
    Explanation: "Engaged in" conveys active participation, while "various" is more precise than "different," enhancing clarity.

  3. "the highest during 20 years" -> "the highest over the 20-year period"
    Explanation: "Over the 20-year period" is more formal and precise than "during 20 years," improving the academic tone.

  4. "the musical performances were the lowest" -> "musical performances recorded the lowest participation"
    Explanation: This phrasing clarifies that the focus is on participation levels, enhancing specificity.

  5. "the amateur dramatics was the lowest" -> "amateur dramatics recorded the lowest participation"
    Explanation: Similar to the previous change, this improves clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  6. "there were stable for the period" -> "remained stable throughout the period"
    Explanation: "Remained stable" is a more precise expression, and "throughout" is more formal than "for."

  7. "there were two dips" -> "there were two declines"
    Explanation: "Declines" is a more formal term than "dips," which can sound informal or colloquial.

  8. "with a little above 30 players" -> "with slightly above 30 participants"
    Explanation: "Slightly" is more precise than "a little," and "participants" is a more formal term than "players."

  9. "in contrast with the two roles stably" -> "in contrast to the two consistently stable activities"
    Explanation: "In contrast to" is the correct phrase, and "consistently stable activities" clarifies the meaning.

  10. "fell down significantly" -> "declined significantly"
    Explanation: "Declined" is a more formal and precise term than "fell down," which is informal.

  11. "just above 30 entrants" -> "slightly above 30 participants"
    Explanation: "Slightly" is more precise than "just," and "participants" maintains a formal tone.

  12. "Turning to the two roles increased in contenders" -> "Turning to the two activities that increased in participation"
    Explanation: "Activities" is more precise than "roles," and "increased in participation" clarifies the context.

  13. "the musical performances just went up slightly" -> "musical performances experienced a slight increase"
    Explanation: "Experienced a slight increase" is more formal and precise than "just went up slightly."

  14. "at zero to about 20 contestants respectively" -> "from zero to approximately 20 contestants"
    Explanation: "From" is clearer than "at," and "approximately" is more formal than "about."

  15. "in contrast to the amateur dramatics, table tennis grew considerably" -> "In contrast to amateur dramatics, table tennis experienced considerable growth"
    Explanation: "Experienced considerable growth" is a more formal and precise expression than "grew considerably."

  16. "between 2010 at 20 participants and 2020 at above 50 participants" -> "between 2010, when there were 20 participants, and 2020, when there were over 50 participants"
    Explanation: This restructuring improves clarity and maintains a formal tone by specifying the years and participant counts.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some information appropriately selected, but it does not adequately highlight all key features/bullet points. For example, the essay mentions that the film club was the highest during 20 years, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also mentions that the musical performances were the lowest from 2000 to about 2015, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that the film club had the highest number of participants in 2020, with approximately 65 people. The essay could also state that the musical performances had the lowest number of participants in 2015, with approximately 0 people. The essay could also be improved by providing more comparisons between the different activities. For example, the essay could compare the number of participants in the film club to the number of participants in the martial arts. The essay could also compare the number of participants in the amateur dramatics to the number of participants in the table tennis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but it lacks a clear overall progression. While there are attempts to describe trends and make comparisons, the coherence of the ideas is hindered by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. For example, phrases like "the two roles stably" and "there were stable for the period" are unclear. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between ideas are not smooth. Overall, the essay demonstrates some understanding of the task but fails to effectively communicate the information in a coherent manner.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearer sentence structures and more precise use of cohesive devices. Using linking words and phrases to connect ideas logically will improve the flow of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas progress logically from one to the next will strengthen the overall organization. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help eliminate confusion in the presentation of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe trends and make comparisons, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the lowest" and "the highest." There are noticeable errors in word choice (e.g., "competitors" instead of "participants") and awkward phrases (e.g., "there were stable for the period"), which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors are present, such as "the two roles stably" and "fell down significantly," which detract from the overall clarity of the message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the context. Improving accuracy in word choice and collocation is essential. Additionally, focusing on grammatical correctness and avoiding repetitive phrases will help convey ideas more clearly and effectively. Reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in developing a richer vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("there were stable" should be "there was stability") and awkward phrasing ("the two roles stably"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Additionally, punctuation issues are present, which further detracts from clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentences and subordinate clauses to demonstrate flexibility in grammar.
  2. Error Correction: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly verb forms and subject-verb agreement.
  3. Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to ensure clarity and coherence in writing.
  4. Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify and rectify common grammatical mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph demonstrates the number of participants in different activities at the social centre in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020. Overall, the film club had the highest attendance over the 20-year period, while musical performances recorded the lowest numbers from 2000 to around 2015. Additionally, amateur dramatics had the lowest participation from 2015 to 2020.

Starting with the film club, the number of participants remained stable throughout the period, averaging about 65 individuals. In contrast, martial arts experienced two dips, with participation falling to 30 players in 2005 and slightly above 30 players in 2015. While the film club maintained consistent numbers, amateur dramatics showed a slight increase from 2000 to 2005; however, from 2005 to 2020, it declined significantly from just above 30 entrants in 2005 to under 10 entrants by 2020.

Turning to the other activities, both table tennis and musical performances saw increases in participation. Musical performances rose slightly from 2005 to 2020, starting at zero and reaching about 20 contestants, respectively. In contrast to amateur dramatics, table tennis experienced considerable growth, increasing from 20 participants in 2010 to over 50 participants by 2020.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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