You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? You should write at least 250 words.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
You should write at least 250 words.
It is a common belief that the further people live away from their families and friends, the more effortlessly people get a job. Although I see potential negative effects from this, the benefits still outweigh the disadvantages.
On the other hand, working in other cities or countries brings drawbacks. To begin with, independence and discipline have to increase significantly because there are no relatives by side in case of illness and discouragement. For instance, the young in Ho Chi Minh City who live alone mostly have savings accounts in case of being sick or having accidents. In addition, this is also the main reason for homesickness, which causes psychological influences to numerous people such as depression, insomnia or Anorexia. Therefore, there are various negative and positive news about “Why do the young generation love healing nowadays?”. Lastly, moving to other places somewhat leads to culture shocks, which includes tradition, lifestyles or living standards. This can let people waste more money than normal through and they have to purchase cheap goods for penny-pitching targets.
However, there are some benefits of finding a job in other countries that can overshadow those analysed disadvantages above. Firstly, working far from home can raise human independence, discipline and efforts. Not only that, people are able to get more opportunities to make new friends and have more offers for their entrepreneurship. In addition, their living standards are improved remarkably including infrastructures such as working on modern buildings, shopping on malls, and receiving good healthcare services.
In conclusion, the negative effects on working far from home must not be underestimated but the positive benefits are very clear through getting various potential chances for living standards and future occupations.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"the further people live away from their families and friends" -> "the farther individuals reside from their families and friends"
Explanation: "Further" typically refers to a distance or extent, while "farther" specifically denotes physical distance, making it more precise in this context. -
"the benefits still outweigh the disadvantages" -> "the advantages still outweigh the drawbacks"
Explanation: "Disadvantages" is a common term, but "drawbacks" is slightly more formal and aligns better with academic style. -
"have to increase significantly" -> "must significantly increase"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase to "must significantly increase" maintains the formality and clarity of expression. -
"by side" -> "by their side"
Explanation: Adding "their" before "side" clarifies whose side is being referred to, making the sentence more precise. -
"mostly have savings accounts" -> "often maintain savings accounts"
Explanation: "Mostly" is somewhat informal; "often maintain" is more academically appropriate and conveys the habitual nature of having savings accounts. -
"because there are no relatives by side" -> "due to the absence of relatives nearby"
Explanation: "By side" is colloquial; "nearby" is more formal and precise in this context. -
"For instance" -> "For example"
Explanation: "For instance" and "for example" are often interchangeable, but "for example" is slightly more formal. -
"such as depression, insomnia or Anorexia" -> "such as depression, insomnia, or anorexia"
Explanation: Capitalization of "Anorexia" is incorrect; it should be lowercase to maintain consistency. -
"there are various negative and positive news" -> "there is various negative and positive news"
Explanation: "News" is a collective noun and is typically treated as singular. -
"leads to culture shocks" -> "results in culture shock"
Explanation: "Leads to" is a bit informal; "results in" is more formal and precise. -
"which includes tradition, lifestyles or living standards" -> "which encompass traditions, lifestyles, and living standards"
Explanation: "Includes" can be replaced with "encompass" for a more formal and precise expression, and the use of "or" should be changed to "and" for parallelism. -
"let people waste more money than normal through" -> "may lead to increased spending"
Explanation: "Let people waste" is too casual; "may lead to increased spending" is more formal and clearer. -
"they have to purchase cheap goods for penny-pitching targets" -> "they are compelled to buy inexpensive goods to meet budgetary constraints"
Explanation: "Penny-pitching targets" is informal; "meet budgetary constraints" is more formal and clearer. -
"benefits of finding a job in other countries that can overshadow those analysed disadvantages" -> "benefits of finding employment in other countries that can outweigh the analyzed drawbacks"
Explanation: "Finding a job" can be replaced with "employment" for variety and formality, and "overshadow" can be replaced with "outweigh" for clarity and precision. -
"raise human independence, discipline and efforts" -> "enhance human independence, discipline, and diligence"
Explanation: "Raise" is acceptable but "enhance" is more formal and precise. "Efforts" is slightly vague; "diligence" is more specific. -
"have more offers for their entrepreneurship" -> "have more opportunities for entrepreneurial endeavors"
Explanation: "Offers for their entrepreneurship" is awkward; "opportunities for entrepreneurial endeavors" is clearer and more formal. -
"working on modern buildings" -> "working in modern facilities"
Explanation: "Working on modern buildings" could imply construction work; "working in modern facilities" is more precise. -
"shopping on malls" -> "shopping at malls"
Explanation: "Shopping on malls" is grammatically incorrect; "shopping at malls" is the correct preposition usage. -
"getting various potential chances for living standards and future occupations" -> "accessing diverse opportunities to enhance living standards and future career prospects"
Explanation: "Getting various potential chances" is redundant and awkward; "accessing diverse opportunities" is more concise and clearer.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family to find work. The writer acknowledges the potential negative effects but ultimately argues that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Specific examples and reasoning are provided to support this stance.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the disadvantages and advantages, providing more nuanced analysis and perhaps considering counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the benefits of moving away from friends and family for work outweigh the drawbacks. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, and each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph explicitly supports the main argument, avoiding any ambiguity or contradictory statements.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, but there are instances where further elaboration and support could enhance the depth of analysis. For example, while discussing the disadvantages, more detailed examples or statistics could strengthen the argument. Additionally, some ideas are presented without sufficient explanation, such as the mention of "positive benefits" without elaborating on what these entail.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas effectively, provide specific examples, data, or anecdotes to illustrate key points. Additionally, ensure that each idea is thoroughly explained and connected to the main argument to enhance coherence and persuasiveness.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for work. However, there are moments where the discussion slightly deviates, such as the brief mention of "Why do the young generation love healing nowadays?" which appears tangential to the main topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and discussions directly relate to the prompt. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that detract from the coherence of the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in extending and supporting ideas with more depth and specificity. Additionally, maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout the essay would further enhance its coherence and persuasiveness.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved for better coherence. For example, the transition between discussing drawbacks and benefits in the second paragraph is somewhat abrupt, leading to a disjointed flow of ideas. Additionally, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider restructuring the essay to ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the main point of the paragraph. This will help readers follow the progression of your argument more easily.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure and effectiveness of paragraphing could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple points without clear delineation, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument cohesively. Additionally, paragraph length varies inconsistently, with some paragraphs being overly long and others too short.
- How to improve: Aim for more consistent paragraphing by focusing each paragraph on a single main idea or argument. Break up long paragraphs into shorter, more digestible chunks to improve readability. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and provides sufficient supporting details to develop the main point effectively.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in addition"). However, there is limited variety in the cohesive devices used, leading to repetition and a lack of sophistication in connecting ideas. Additionally, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs are abrupt, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices to include a wider range of transition words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "however," "conversely") to create smoother connections between ideas. Pay attention to transitions between sentences and paragraphs to ensure they flow seamlessly and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices within paragraphs to reinforce the logical progression of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt to incorporate a variety of vocabulary, albeit with occasional inaccuracies and word choices that could be further diversified. For instance, the essay employs words such as "drawbacks," "independence," "discipline," "homesickness," "psychological influences," "Anorexia," "culture shocks," "entrepreneurship," and "infrastructures," showcasing a broad lexical range. However, some phrases lack precision or could be substituted with more fitting alternatives. For instance, the phrase "positive benefits" is somewhat redundant as "benefits" inherently imply positivity. Similarly, the phrase "the young generation love healing nowadays" lacks clarity and could benefit from more precise language.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, strive for greater precision and specificity in word choice. Rather than opting for generic terms like "positive benefits," aim for more precise descriptors. Additionally, ensure that all vocabulary used aligns seamlessly with the context to avoid ambiguity or confusion. Consider substituting vague phrases with clearer expressions to bolster the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with a reasonable degree of precision, though there are instances where the usage could be more exact. For instance, the term "penny-pitching targets" may not accurately convey the intended meaning, as it appears to be a colloquial expression rather than a precise term. Furthermore, phrases like "the young generation love healing nowadays" lack specificity and clarity, detracting from the precision of the language.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, prioritize clarity and accuracy in expression. Instead of relying on colloquialisms or ambiguous phrases, opt for terms that succinctly convey the intended meaning. Consult a thesaurus to explore alternative expressions that may offer greater precision. Additionally, ensure that each word employed aligns precisely with the intended message to eliminate any potential for misunderstanding or ambiguity.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with few notable errors detracting from overall comprehension. However, there are instances where minor spelling inaccuracies are evident, such as "illness" spelled as "illnes," and "through" possibly intended to be "though." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they indicate areas for improvement in spelling precision.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading meticulously to catch and correct any spelling errors before submission. Utilize spell-checking tools or dictionaries to verify the correct spelling of uncertain words. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and rules to develop a more intuitive grasp of correct spelling conventions. Practice writing regularly to reinforce spelling proficiency and minimize errors in future compositions.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of structures further. The essay predominantly utilizes simple and compound sentences, with occasional complex structures. For instance, simple sentences such as "It is a common belief" and "However, there are some benefits" are prevalent. Complex structures like "Although I see potential negative effects from this, the benefits still outweigh the disadvantages" and "Firstly, working far from home can raise human independence, discipline, and efforts" offer some variety, but more complex sentence structures could be incorporated to enhance fluency and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider integrating more complex sentences, such as those containing dependent clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases. For example, instead of exclusively relying on simple sentences, try combining ideas using subordinating conjunctions like "while," "although," or "despite," to create more intricate sentences. Additionally, experiment with different sentence lengths and structures to maintain reader engagement and convey ideas more effectively.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few errors that affect comprehension. However, there are instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the essay that slightly detract from its clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "because there are no relatives by side" could be revised to "because there are no relatives by their side" for clarity and grammatical accuracy. Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas after introductory phrases, as seen in "However, there are some benefits" and "Firstly, working far from home."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct errors. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper use of articles and prepositions. Additionally, review the rules of punctuation, including the placement of commas, periods, and apostrophes. Practice constructing grammatically correct sentences and punctuating them accurately to enhance the overall clarity and coherence of your writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is commonly believed that the farther individuals reside from their families and friends, the easier it becomes to secure employment. While there are potential negative effects to consider, the advantages still outweigh the drawbacks.
On one hand, relocating for work does come with its downsides. Firstly, individuals must significantly increase their independence and discipline, as they lack the support of family members in times of illness or discouragement. For example, young people in Ho Chi Minh City who live alone often maintain savings accounts in case of emergencies. Moreover, the absence of relatives nearby can lead to feelings of homesickness, resulting in psychological issues such as depression, insomnia, or anorexia. Thus, there is various negative and positive news regarding the growing trend of seeking solace in healing practices among the younger generation. Additionally, moving to new places may result in culture shock, encompassing changes in traditions, lifestyles, and living standards, potentially leading to increased spending as individuals strive to adjust to their new environment by purchasing inexpensive goods to meet budgetary constraints.
However, despite these challenges, there are undeniable benefits to finding employment in other countries that can outweigh the analyzed drawbacks. Firstly, working away from home can enhance human independence, discipline, and diligence. Furthermore, individuals have more opportunities for entrepreneurial endeavors and can expand their social circles by making new friends. Moreover, working in modern facilities, shopping at malls, and accessing diverse opportunities to enhance living standards and future career prospects contribute to an overall improvement in quality of life.
In conclusion, while the negative effects of working far from home should not be underestimated, the positive benefits are evident in the form of various potential opportunities for enhancing living standards and future career prospects.
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