You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: In many countries, people decide to have children at a later age than in the past. Why? Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In many countries, people decide to have children at a later age than in the past. Why?
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

In this aging population generation, the number of people who tend to have children later is higher and higher than in the past. They use that time to build their successes, while this development has more negative impact than positive.
Initially, the main reason for this trend is that many individuals believe that they might have a child when they have good financial resources. On the internet, many celebrities say that people must have good economic conditions before having a kid, and this statement has changed many people's thinking. Not only that, the tuition fees and medical facilities are higher than in the past. For example, in Vietnam, it can be seen that there were many parents in the past who did not have enough money for their children's tuition fees and medical expenses, which made them become debtors and could not ensure living standards for their kids. That is why many people in this generation prefer to have good economic conditions to ensure their kids have a better life.
Despite this development being virtual to upgrade our lives, it also has many negative effects. It is evident that having a kid after 30 years old will increase the rate of congenital disease among kids. For instance, in Vietnam, not only the age rate of mothers is higher, but the data for congenital disease also higher. The main reason for this problem is that many families tend to have a kid when they are successful hoping that their kids will have a good condition to grow. However, this thinking unintentionally causes diseases in children. Furthermore, having a kid after 30 years old also increases the statistical risk for the mothers. This development is a risk for both mothers and their children, also it has some advantages for them.
In conclusion, parents can choose what time they need a child, but if they have the opportunity, they should do it at the right time to decrease the risk for both mothers and children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "In this aging population generation" -> "In this aging demographic"
   Explanation: Replacing "aging population generation" with "aging demographic" is more precise and aligns better with formal language, avoiding redundancy.

2. "number of people who tend to have children later" -> "proportion of individuals delaying parenthood"
   Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more specific and formal expression for the concept of delaying parenthood.

3. "while this development has more negative impact than positive" -> "however, this trend has a predominantly negative impact"
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, using "predominantly negative impact" instead of "more negative impact than positive."

4. "Initially, the main reason for this trend is" -> "Primarily, this trend can be attributed to"
   Explanation: Enhancing the introductory phrase by replacing "Initially, the main reason" with "Primarily, this trend can be attributed to," resulting in a more academic tone.

5. "that they might have a child" -> "that they should conceive a child"
   Explanation: Substituting "might have" with "should conceive" strengthens the assertion and aligns better with a formal tone.

6. "On the internet, many celebrities say" -> "Online, numerous celebrities assert"
   Explanation: Using "assert" instead of "say" adds formality to the statement, and "Online" is a more sophisticated term than "On the internet."

7. "people’s thinking" -> "individuals’ perspectives"
   Explanation: Replacing "people’s thinking" with "individuals’ perspectives" introduces a more formal term without losing clarity.

8. "tuition fees and medical facilities are higher than in the past" -> "educational expenses and healthcare facilities have witnessed an escalation"
   Explanation: Employing more formal terms such as "educational expenses" and "healthcare facilities" contributes to a more academic style.

9. "For example, in Vietnam, it can be seen that" -> "For instance, in Vietnam, it is evident that"
   Explanation: The phrase "it can be seen that" is replaced with "it is evident that" for a more assertive and academic tone.

10. "made them become debtors" -> "forced them into indebtedness"
    Explanation: Substituting "made them become debtors" with "forced them into indebtedness" enhances the precision of the expression.

11. "many people in this generation" -> "a significant portion of this cohort"
    Explanation: Introducing "a significant portion of this cohort" provides a more formal and specific term for the demographic group.

12. "it also has many negative effects" -> "it also carries numerous adverse consequences"
    Explanation: Replacing "has many negative effects" with "carries numerous adverse consequences" imparts a more formal and precise language.

13. "It is evident that having a kid after 30 years old" -> "Evidently, giving birth after the age of 30"
    Explanation: Adjusting the sentence structure for better flow and using "giving birth" instead of "having a kid" adds formality.

14. "For instance, in Vietnam, not only the age rate of mothers is higher" -> "For example, in Vietnam, not only is the average maternal age higher"
    Explanation: Improving the sentence structure and using "average maternal age" for precision.

15. "This development is a risk for both mothers and their children, also it has some advantages for them" -> "This trend poses risks for both mothers and their offspring; however, it also offers certain benefits."
    Explanation: Replacing the informal conjunction "also" with a more formal alternative, and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt by discussing why people choose to have children at a later age and evaluating the advantages and disadvantages. However, the explanation lacks depth, and there is room for a more comprehensive analysis of the reasons behind the trend.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, delve deeper into the reasons for choosing to have children at a later age. Provide specific examples or elaborate on the factors contributing to this decision.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that having children at a later age has more negative impacts than positive ones. However, the clarity could be improved by explicitly stating this position in the introduction and conclusion for emphasis.
  • How to improve: Begin the essay with a concise thesis statement outlining the stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Reiterate this position in the conclusion to reinforce the essay’s clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks thorough development and support. For example, when discussing the negative effects, it mentions an increase in congenital diseases, but there is no in-depth explanation or statistical evidence to support this claim.
  • How to improve: Elaborate on each point with specific examples, data, or statistics. Provide a more detailed analysis of the impact of having children at a later age, supporting your arguments with evidence for a more convincing presentation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the reasons for having children at a later age and the associated advantages and disadvantages. However, there are moments of slight deviation, such as the reference to celebrities and tuition fees.
  • How to improve: Ensure a more focused discussion by avoiding tangential points. Stick closely to the main topic and eliminate unnecessary details that do not contribute directly to the central theme.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, development of ideas, and maintaining a more focused discussion. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the reasons for having children later and the advantages and disadvantages. However, there is a slight lack of smooth transitions between some ideas, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the transition between discussing economic conditions and the impact on children’s health could be more seamless.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas and guide the reader through the essay. Consider the natural progression of thoughts and ideas to create a more cohesive structure.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with a clear structure for the introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second paragraph is lengthy and could be better structured to enhance readability. Breaking it down into smaller paragraphs, each addressing a specific point, would improve the overall flow.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraphing by breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones. This not only enhances readability but also allows for a more organized presentation of ideas. Aim for a balance between paragraph length and content coverage.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as "initially," "despite," and "furthermore," to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices. The essay relies on a few common transitional phrases, and incorporating a broader range would add richness to the text.
  • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases. For example, consider using not only contrastive phrases like "despite" but also additive phrases such as "furthermore" or "in addition." This will create a smoother flow and enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms related to the topic, such as "congenital disease," "tuition fees," and "medical facilities." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and vividly.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating a broader array of synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "good economic conditions," explore alternatives like "financial stability" or "economic well-being" to enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary is used with precision, such as "congenital disease" and "successful." However, there are instances of imprecise language, like "this development being virtual to upgrade our lives." This phrase lacks clarity and could be more precisely articulated.
  • How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "virtual," you might use "intended" or "purported" for more accuracy. Also, consider rephrasing to clarify the sentence structure for better coherence.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. There are a few minor errors, such as "tuition fees" (singular "fee" might be more appropriate), but overall, spelling does not significantly hinder comprehension.
  • How to improve: While the spelling is generally correct, reviewing the essay for minor errors and paying attention to singular/plural forms can further enhance spelling accuracy. Consider proofreading to catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary with areas for improvement in diversifying and refining word choices. Enhancing precision and paying attention to minor spelling details will contribute to an overall improvement in the Lexical Resource band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use different sentence structures to convey ideas. For instance, the author uses compound sentences (e.g., "They use that time to build their successes, while this development has more negative impact than positive") and complex sentences (e.g., "On the internet, many celebrities say that people must have good economic conditions before having a kid, and this statement has changed many people’s thinking"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of sentence structures. More complex structures, such as conditional sentences or inversion, could be incorporated for a higher score.

  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences, relative clauses, or inversion for added complexity and nuance. For example, instead of using straightforward sentences, introduce sentences with phrases like "If individuals prioritize financial stability before starting a family, they might…" or "In cases where economic conditions are a priority, it is essential to…"

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates adequate grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of minor errors. For example, in the sentence "Despite this development being virtual to upgrade our lives," the word "virtual" seems out of place and may be a usage error. Additionally, the phrase "age rate of mothers" could be improved to "mothers’ age rate." Punctuation is generally correct, but there are a few instances where commas could be used more effectively to enhance clarity.

  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to word choice and usage. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors in sentence structure. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence. For instance, instead of "Despite this development being virtual to upgrade our lives," consider rephrasing to "Despite the perceived benefits of this trend in improving our lives." Additionally, review the placement of commas for better precision and readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures but could benefit from a more nuanced use of language and careful proofreading to eliminate minor errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this aging demographic, there is a growing trend where individuals choose to start their families at a later age compared to previous generations. However, this trend has a predominantly negative impact on various aspects of society. Primarily, this shift can be attributed to the belief among many individuals that they should only conceive a child when they have achieved financial stability. Online, numerous celebrities assert the importance of having good economic conditions before embracing parenthood, influencing people’s perspectives.

Educational expenses and healthcare facilities have witnessed an escalation over time, contributing to the inclination of delaying parenthood. For instance, in Vietnam, it is evident that in the past, many parents faced financial challenges in providing for their children’s tuition fees and medical expenses, which forced them into indebtedness. A significant portion of this cohort now prefers to wait until they have ensured good economic conditions to guarantee a better life for their children.

However, while this trend may seem to offer certain benefits, it also carries numerous adverse consequences. Evidently, giving birth after the age of 30 is associated with an increased risk of congenital diseases among children. For example, in Vietnam, not only is the average maternal age higher, but the incidence of congenital diseases is also elevated. The main reason for this issue is the tendency of families to have children when they have achieved success, hoping to provide a favorable environment for their offspring. Unfortunately, this thinking unintentionally leads to an increase in the occurrence of diseases in children.

Furthermore, having a child after the age of 30 also poses health risks for the mothers, increasing the statistical probability of complications during pregnancy. This development is not only a risk for both mothers and their children, but it also has some advantages for them.

In conclusion, while it is within the rights of parents to choose the timing of having a child, it is crucial to recognize that if they have the opportunity, they should consider doing so at the right time to decrease the risks for both mothers and children.