Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others in the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

Arguably one of the most common phenomena among youngsters nowadays is peer pressure – a term commonly used to indicate the influence of peers on a person. While the merits this may bring about are justifiable, I personally believe that they pale in comparison with the potential demerits.

Admittedly, there are indeed several positives associated with peer influence. Firstly, it might serve as a motivating factor for students and workers to strive harder in their academic or professional career. Indeed, when surrounded by conscientious and brilliant classmates or colleagues, one would feel compelled to put in more effort so as not to fall behind their peers. This, in turn, may translate into better performances at school or at work, hence a greater chance of thriving in life later on. Secondly, with the encouragement or companionship of friends of the same age, a young person would feel a more overwhelming sense of confidence when trying on new things, be it a hobby or sporting activities. For example, while it can be intimidating and embarrassing to apply for, say, the english contest at school, when there are other fellow students joining that competition as well, those feelings can be effectively subdued, thus allowing for better performances throughout the contest.

Nevertheless, I would argue that the aforementioned beneficial attributes are not sufficient to compensate for the dire consequences that peer pressure may pose. Evidently, this type of pressure can sometimes motivate people to work harder, however, in some extreme cases, a highly likely scenario would be that they might overwork themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling inferior to others. Such an unhealthy habit would, indubitably, take a heavy toll on their general well-being, thus reducing their productivity and canceling out the academic or professional benefit brought about by peer pressure. In addition, if youngsters hang out with the bad clique, in the long run, they may commit criminal offenses, like petty theft, gambling, or even drug addiction, either because being pressured into doing so or in an attempt to gain a sense of power from their friends. As a consequence, those young people would, 9 in 10 cases, end up in jail or lose the motivation to pursue a decent life.

In conclusion, while peer pressure in young people can translate into several benefits, I firmly believe that these are overshadowed by the possible drawbacks, namely the risk of overworking, and the adoption of criminal behaviors from indecent peers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"youngsters" -> "adolescents" or "young individuals"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "Adolescents" or "young individuals" are more appropriate and maintain a formal tone.
"a term commonly used to indicate" -> "a term often employed to signify"
Explanation: "Commonly used to indicate" can be replaced with "often employed to signify" for a more formal expression.
"While the merits this may bring about are justifiable" -> "While the benefits this may yield are justifiable"
Explanation: "Merits" can be replaced with "benefits" for clearer and more formal language.
"they pale in comparison with the potential demerits" -> "they are outweighed by the potential drawbacks"
Explanation: "Pale in comparison with" can be substituted with "outweighed by" for a more precise and formal expression.
"Admittedly, there are indeed several positives associated with peer influence." -> "Admittedly, there are indeed several advantages associated with peer influence."
Explanation: "Positives" can be replaced with "advantages" for a more formal tone.
"a motivating factor" -> "an incentivizing factor"
Explanation: "Motivating factor" can be replaced with "incentivizing factor" to enhance the formality and precision of the expression.
"conscientious and brilliant classmates or colleagues" -> "diligent and accomplished classmates or colleagues"
Explanation: "Conscientious" can be substituted with "diligent" for a more formal synonym, and "brilliant" with "accomplished" for a more sophisticated tone.
"Nevertheless, I would argue that" -> "However, I contend that"
Explanation: "Nevertheless, I would argue that" can be replaced with "However, I contend that" for a more formal and assertive transition.
"the aforementioned beneficial attributes" -> "the aforementioned advantages"
Explanation: "Beneficial attributes" can be replaced with "advantages" for a more concise and formal expression.
"highly likely scenario would be that they might" -> "highly likely scenario could entail"
Explanation: "Would be that they might" can be replaced with "could entail" for a more formal and precise expression.
"indubitably" -> "undoubtedly"
Explanation: "Indubitably" is slightly archaic and can be replaced with "undoubtedly" for a more modern and formal tone.
"in the long run" -> "eventually"
Explanation: "In the long run" can be replaced with "eventually" for a more concise expression without sacrificing formality.
"commit criminal offenses" -> "engage in criminal activities"
Explanation: "Commit criminal offenses" can be replaced with "engage in criminal activities" for a more formal and precise term.
"lose the motivation to pursue a decent life" -> "lose motivation to pursue a respectable life"
Explanation: "Decent" can be replaced with "respectable" for a more formal synonym, maintaining the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, providing examples and arguments for each side.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider offering a more nuanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages, exploring potential grey areas or exceptions where the benefits might outweigh the drawbacks, or vice versa.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistently supported and reinforced throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that the thesis statement explicitly states the position taken on the issue, leaving no room for ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, extending them with examples and explanations. For instance, it illustrates the positive influence of peer pressure on academic performance and confidence, while also delving into the potential negative consequences such as overworking and criminal behavior.
- How to improve: To improve further, consider providing more varied examples and expanding on the analysis of each point, perhaps by incorporating additional research or real-life case studies to deepen the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure as prompted. However, there are minor instances where the focus could be tighter, such as the brief mention of embarrassment in relation to participating in an English contest.
- How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the topic of peer pressure and its implications, avoiding tangents or peripheral discussions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue, there is room for refinement in terms of depth of analysis and focus to elevate the response to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization overall. It begins with an introduction that defines peer pressure and states the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph presents a separate advantage or disadvantage of peer pressure, supported by examples and analysis. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: While the logical organization is generally sound, ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs could further enhance coherence. Consider using transition words or phrases to connect ideas more explicitly, facilitating the reader’s understanding of the essay’s progression.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct introductory, body, and concluding paragraphs. Each body paragraph focuses on a single aspect of peer pressure, allowing for clear development of ideas. Topic sentences effectively introduce the main points of each paragraph, and supporting details are logically arranged within each paragraph.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its main idea and avoids straying off-topic. Additionally, strive for consistency in paragraph length to create a more visually balanced and cohesive essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transition words and phrases (e.g., "arguably," "admittedly," "nevertheless," "in conclusion"), pronouns for reference (e.g., "they," "those"), and cohesive conjunctions (e.g., "firstly," "secondly," "in addition"). These cohesive devices help guide the reader through the essay and maintain coherence.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of transitional expressions to further enrich the text. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices throughout. For instance, phrases like "arguably one of the most common phenomena," "conscientious and brilliant classmates," and "dire consequences" showcase the writer’s ability to employ diverse vocabulary to express ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, instead of "beneficial attributes," you might use "salient advantages," or instead of "indubitably," you could opt for "undoubtedly." Additionally, introducing specialized terminology related to the essay topic, such as psychological terms discussing the effects of peer pressure, could elevate the sophistication of the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, although there are a few instances where clarity could be improved. For example, the phrase "this type of pressure can sometimes motivate people to work harder" could be refined to specify the exact nature of the pressure being discussed. Is it academic pressure, social pressure, or another form? Providing more specificity would enhance the precision of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: Ensure that each term used aligns precisely with the intended meaning to avoid ambiguity. When discussing complex concepts like peer pressure, clarity is paramount to ensure the reader fully grasps the argument being presented. Consider revising sentences to incorporate more precise vocabulary that leaves no room for misinterpretation.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally strong, with no glaring errors observed. The writer demonstrates a good command of standard spelling conventions, contributing to the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain this level of spelling accuracy, continue practicing proofreading techniques to catch any minor spelling errors that may arise. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Consistent attention to detail in spelling will further enhance the clarity and coherence of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, there is effective use of subordinate clauses ("while the merits this may bring about are justifiable") and complex sentence structures ("Evidently, this type of pressure can sometimes motivate people to work harder, however, in some extreme cases…"). This variety enhances the flow of the essay and adds sophistication to the argument.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of expression, consider incorporating more advanced syntactic structures, such as inversion, parallelism, or rhetorical questions. Introducing a mix of sentence lengths can also add dynamism to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a strong command of grammar and punctuation. There are minor errors, such as missing articles ("in the english contest") and slight punctuation inconsistencies (use of comma splice in "in some extreme cases, a highly likely scenario would be that they might overwork themselves"), but these do not significantly impede comprehension. The essay effectively employs proper verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure coherence.
- How to improve: To refine grammatical accuracy further, pay close attention to articles, verb forms, and punctuation consistency. Proofreading the essay carefully to catch minor errors like missing articles or punctuation inconsistencies can elevate the overall polish of the writing. Additionally, incorporating more complex grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences or modal verbs, can add depth to the argument while showcasing linguistic proficiency.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to its cohesive and persuasive presentation. Strengthening sentence variety and refining minor grammatical errors can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Your essay provides a well-rounded analysis of the topic, maintaining a clear structure and coherent argumentation. Below, I’ve made slight refinements to enhance clarity and correct grammatical errors, while preserving your original vocabulary and structure.

**Refined Essay:**

“Arguably, one of the most common phenomena among youngsters nowadays is peer pressure—a term commonly used to indicate the influence of peers on a person. While the merits this may bring about are justifiable, I personally believe that they pale in comparison with the potential demerits.

Admittedly, there are indeed several positives associated with peer influence. Firstly, it might serve as a motivating factor for students and workers to strive harder in their academic or professional careers. Indeed, when surrounded by conscientious and brilliant classmates or colleagues, one would feel compelled to put in more effort so as not to fall behind their peers. This, in turn, may translate into better performances at school or at work, hence a greater chance of thriving later in life. Secondly, with the encouragement or companionship of friends of the same age, a young person would feel a more overwhelming sense of confidence when trying new things, be it a hobby or sporting activities. For example, while it can be intimidating and embarrassing to apply for, say, the English contest at school, when there are other fellow students joining that competition as well, those feelings can be effectively subdued, thus allowing for better performances throughout the contest.

Nevertheless, I would argue that the aforementioned beneficial attributes are not sufficient to compensate for the dire consequences that peer pressure may pose. Evidently, this type of pressure can sometimes motivate people to work harder; however, in some extreme cases, it is highly likely that they might overwork themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling inferior to others. Such an unhealthy habit would, indubitably, take a heavy toll on their general well-being, thus reducing their productivity and canceling out the academic or professional benefit brought about by peer pressure. In addition, if youngsters associate with the wrong clique, in the long run, they may commit criminal offenses, such as petty theft, gambling, or even drug addiction, either because they are pressured into doing so or in an attempt to gain a sense of power from their friends. As a consequence, those young people would, in nine out of ten cases, end up in jail or lose the motivation to pursue a decent life.

In conclusion, while peer pressure in young people can translate into several benefits, I firmly believe that these are overshadowed by the possible drawbacks, namely the risk of overworking and the adoption of criminal behaviors from unsavory peers.”

**Notes on Improvements:**
– Corrected minor grammatical issues and improved sentence structure for better readability.
– Enhanced punctuation for clarity, especially around the term ‘peer pressure’.
– Adjusted the phrasing slightly in places to make the arguments clearer and more precise.

Your essay effectively addresses the prompt, and these small modifications will help ensure your ideas are expressed as clearly as possible. Keep focusing on developing your arguments with relevant examples, as you have done here.